I am here writing to seek some sort of advice from you wonderful, smart people. I'll give you my quick background story first. Last September my boyfriend moved in with me (he moved up here from Texas), we had a very unhealthy, dysfunctional relationship and it increased my anxiety and depression quite a bit. Finally after 9 months of putting up with everything he put me through, I gathered my courage and put an end to it (hardest thing I've ever done in my life). He moved back to Texas and we are done with, but I still feel somewhat traumatized by our relationship, if that makes sense?
Now that I have been single for several months and feeling a bit better day by day, I have been talking to a guy who lives near me. I feel all sorts of confused about it, because I find myself really liking this person and he likes me. He isn't somebody I knew while I was with my ex, he is a new person in my life. The thing is, though, is that I am terrified. I keep asking myself a million questions, usually starting with "What if?" I feel like what if it is too soon? What if I hurt this person? What if I am just rebounding? What if I am just lonely? What if things end up being exactly like they were with my ex? I don't think I could stomach another day of what I went through with my ex.
This person is so different though. He is almost the exact opposite of my exboyfriend. I find myself very drawn to him, but I am so scared. I also think he deserves better than me. That makes me so sad, thinking that people deserve better than to have interest in me. It makes me feel like I'm not worthy of anything and sometimes I truly feel like I am not. I feel like I failed my last relationship (although the majority of what went wrong had little to do with me, not to pass blame or anything) and I am worried I am just going to continually fail them. But I just feel so good whenever I am talking to him. I wish I could just go for it without all of these hesitations, but these hesitations make me feel like I'm not ready to even be in a relationship again.
I'm also afraid that if I decide not to pursue it, I could be missing out on something wonderful, something that maybe I deserve? I guess I just feel really torn. Sometimes I just feel like I am such a mess and I feel so bad for the people who have to deal with me. It makes me want to crawl in bed for the rest of my life and not interact with anybody so I can just avoid disappointing people and ultimately myself. I also feel bad deep down that I am already moving on to somebody else. I literally sit here and bawl sometimes because I feel so bad about what happened with my exboyfriend. I mean, clearly, I am not over it. I believe I am over him, but I don't think I'm anywhere near being over what happened and what we had. This concerns me. I feel like maybe I should tell this new guy to give me some time, but I don't want him to sit and wait around. I think that would also be really hard to give myself space from him, because he makes me feel so happy in the midst of all the terrible things I feel. That also makes me feel like maybe I am not intentionally using him just for relief. Augh, I just feel so confused and I'm tired of hurting people and disappointing myself. I can't believe I am already questioning getting involved with someone again. It makes me feel like I'm insane.
I would really appreciate any advice? As you can see, I am spinning over here.