I am currently on session 6 of the program (and have been for a while) I haven't really moved on for about three weeks. I don't really have an excuse. The tapes really help but sometimes I feel like they are kind of long and my mind starts to wander.
Beyond that I have been in a funk for a while. I feel trapped in my life, my relationship, my job everything. I feel completely SELFISH!! I have a wonderful family who loves each other and me and have been of great support (my mom bought me the program for valentines day). I have a great boyfriend who is loyal and trustworthy and treats me great, gets along with my family great. I have everything I have ever wanted but I am suffocating!
I try to think what I should do to make myself happier, but I am so lazy and depressed that I am totally unmotivated to get off my butt and do it. I sleep a lot. I shouldn't feel this way. There are a lot of people who would want the life I have. Help! I don't know what to do!
trapped
-
Guest
Anna, I feel the exact same way. Im stuck in session 3 right now, its a very important session and Im struggling. There's so much in it that I loose focus when trying to work through it.
I graduated from college, work for a great company, have a great family (my dad bought me the program because he knows Im having trouble), and I have the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.
I find myself sleeping a lot as an escape. A bit strange as I wasnt able to sleep through a whole night due to the anxiety, but Ive found myself doing so now to "escape" from whats going on. Im glad Im sleeping again, but I do feel guilty in that when I go to sleep I wish I would feel better when I wake up. I never do, so I need to stop that.
I should be happy, just as you should be. We have great lives, but the anxiety and depression are ruining it. What I try to do is try to remember what used to make me happy and do those things. Also, Ive learned that happiness is internal (therefore winning the lottery or anything like that would still leave us internally unhappy).
Your quite ahead me, but I say push through the program. Im stuck like you are, but if we both sit we'll never get anywhere.
I graduated from college, work for a great company, have a great family (my dad bought me the program because he knows Im having trouble), and I have the best girlfriend I could ever ask for.
I find myself sleeping a lot as an escape. A bit strange as I wasnt able to sleep through a whole night due to the anxiety, but Ive found myself doing so now to "escape" from whats going on. Im glad Im sleeping again, but I do feel guilty in that when I go to sleep I wish I would feel better when I wake up. I never do, so I need to stop that.
I should be happy, just as you should be. We have great lives, but the anxiety and depression are ruining it. What I try to do is try to remember what used to make me happy and do those things. Also, Ive learned that happiness is internal (therefore winning the lottery or anything like that would still leave us internally unhappy).
Your quite ahead me, but I say push through the program. Im stuck like you are, but if we both sit we'll never get anywhere.
-
Guest
Hi guys I know how you feel or I wouldn't be in this program but I am getting better and I am going to get this behind me. It is harder some days but you need to try your best to talk positive even when it is a really bad day. Tell yourself it is going to get better. Start reading up on vitiams I never spell that right sorry. I have been taking magnesium/calcium,E,mutivitumin, (I don't know why I can't spell that right) anyway, fish oil, minerals, I just started taking Beet Root.
It is hard for me to take things unless I look it up and study it first.
It will help balance you out. Hope that helps
It is hard for me to take things unless I look it up and study it first.
It will help balance you out. Hope that helps
-
Guest
Thank you guys so much for responding. I just get really scared and frustrated becacause this distorted reality that I see keeps me from realizing that I am going to ruin the best things in my life. I just don't know (especially in my relationship) if I love him for real or if I am scared to see whats really out there. Even thinking that makes me feel horrible. I guess I just need to keep trying to figure out who I am.
-
Guest
Wow, I thought I was the only one that felt this way. Ive asked myself the same question "do I love her, or am I scared at the fact of trying to find someone else?", and felt extremly guilty about it as well. The answer for me is "Ive got a good one, I dont have a reason to look". The fact is that she's been with me through all of my anxiety issues and has continued to love me, I dont believe many girls would do that.Originally posted by Anna Burrell:
I just don't know (especially in my relationship) if I love him for real or if I am scared to see whats really out there. Even thinking that makes me feel horrible. I guess I just need to keep trying to figure out who I am.
Anna,
I dont know your situation or how you feel in your heart, but at 23, i started getting panic attacks and had just started dating a new guy. I was scared to death of what was happening to me and my social life came to a screeching halt! I started thinking things like, who else would want me and I better hang on to this guy because at least he loves me with this anxiety crap and I may never find anyone else. Well, fast forward 15 years and I am married to that same guy and I have felt trapped for the entire time. I am not saying that it has been aweful the whole time, he is a good person for the most part, but i dont love him as i should and i never have. He became my safe person and I was afraid to see what else was out there. Please dont make the same mistake i did. You have to know in your heart of hearts that your soul connects with his and that you love him truely. Best of luck to you!
I dont know your situation or how you feel in your heart, but at 23, i started getting panic attacks and had just started dating a new guy. I was scared to death of what was happening to me and my social life came to a screeching halt! I started thinking things like, who else would want me and I better hang on to this guy because at least he loves me with this anxiety crap and I may never find anyone else. Well, fast forward 15 years and I am married to that same guy and I have felt trapped for the entire time. I am not saying that it has been aweful the whole time, he is a good person for the most part, but i dont love him as i should and i never have. He became my safe person and I was afraid to see what else was out there. Please dont make the same mistake i did. You have to know in your heart of hearts that your soul connects with his and that you love him truely. Best of luck to you!
-
Guest
thank you so much for responding. I feel like I am headed down that path. Its the fear. Fear of never finding anyone else and missing "my chance" at love and a family. Fear of realizing I do love him after we are broken up, fear of hurting him. Some days I feel like running away. He doesn't think I am thinking ANY of this. I tell him I love him and I want to marry him I think out of fear that I really don't want that.
Ever since my anxiety my good friends have slowly faded away. I spend most time by myself or with him I am so stuck I don't know what to do!!
Ever since my anxiety my good friends have slowly faded away. I spend most time by myself or with him I am so stuck I don't know what to do!!
-
Guest
Anna, I believe I know how you feel. I married someone that I I knew I shouldn't have. I spent EVERY day with her partly because of her insecurity and partly because I was afraid to speak up and say I wanted some time to myself. She finally asked for divorce and after a lot of turmoil, it ended. But, I lost several years of my life because I was afraid to be alone, say no, etc. Long story short, I now have a wife that I belong with. Now, understand that I didn't find this program or understand that I have this anxiety problem until the end of last year. (That's when I got the program). But I got some sage advice from someone after my divorce, "find someone you can work with". Because marriage entails a lot of work at times, whether its finances, parenting etc. I say this because I was where you are now, exactly. If things don't work out in your current marriage, there is hope. When you go through the program especially! I feel lucky in that I found my wife, despite thinking I'd never even go out on a date again much less be married, before I started the program. I would suggest that you wait, go through the program, get better and see how you feel then. Be a little patient and go a little easier on yourself.
-
Guest
Dear ANNA,
You are not stuck - your current circumstance may make you feel that way & you may tell yourself that - but you're not. If you want your independance + self sufficiency + self love/pride + clarity in your thoughts/decisions back, <span class="ev_code_RED">FOCUS ON "YOU" & "YOUR RECOVERY" = make your recovery your #1 priority.</span>
There is no greater MOTIVATORthan you wanting TO FEEL BETTER than the existence anxiety disorder & depression are creating for you RIGHT NOW, IN THEIR TOTALITY(combined). I say this frequently, Lol "Oprah once said - MOTIVATION COMES FR DOING". In other words, one simply can't sit & wait for it to HAPPEN/APPEAR - no. Rather, motivation comes when, often @ times we feel no "omph" if you will - no "motivation/desire" to DO IT - yet, <span class="ev_code_RED">we do it anyway.</span> It's that singular & defiant act(against anxiety disorder & depression), where the sufferer/afflicted, declares, "I've had enough of you + I want to feel better + I'm not taking it anymore + I am fighting you = I CLAIM ME - MY PERSONAL VICTORY". Is it hard? Yes, it is. However, no harder than living in the EXISTENCE anxiety disorder & depression create for you - that existence is much harder. Lucinda was correct when she said in the PROGRAM, "LIV'G W/ ANXIETY DISORDER & OR DEPRESSION" + taking the JOURNEY to RECOVERY - both will produce anxiety w/o a doubt. However, only 1 will give you personal freedom- that feeling that something has been lifted off your shoulder".
I understand that you are so "conflicted" inside right now. Don't make any RASH decisions now. I would work on YOU & YOUR RECOVERY/FEELING BETTER 1ST - this way, any decision that you do make - are made w/ certainty - not out of sheer emotions driven by the distorted views anxiety disorder & depression create for you.
I am not in your position, relationship wise(re: your BF) - I am married, happily. However, I understand all you mention. I lived on my own 10 yrs b/4 I got married in 1997. I worked FT + went to college @ nite & graduated top of the class. I worked in banking/brokerage on Wall St in NYC. In APR 2005, anxiety disorder triggered after I had surgery for the 1st time in my life. It completely turned my world upside dwn. I could no longer work, as a direct result of the severity of MY CASE OF ANXIETY DISORDER. I became inhibited + restricted + paralized by mind/body numbing FEAR - 24/7, beyond any comprehension I had. In addition, I became totally dependant on my husband & emotionally dependant on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day. I wasn't living, I was EXISTING. I sought immediate help w/ a psychiatrist. I was, after several initial sessions, diagnosed w/: anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) fr 3 different things. I was informed by my psychiatrist, in addition to my regular dr(who made generic & initial diagnosis) my case was 1 of the worst they had seen. Out of sheer necessity, after consulting w/ my psychiatrist + reg dr + pharmacist, I went on anxiety med 3x's per day + 2 sleep aids. It couldn't get much worse than it was for me back then. I had never taken any med's b/4, never had a need to - that in & of itself frightened me to how bad off I truly was. <span class="ev_code_RED">I was in the highest state of absolute DESPERATION.</span> Quite simply, I WANTED TO FEEL BETTER. My "wanting to FEEL BETTER" became the NUCLEUS for all my actions - even when anxiety disorder attempted to ROB ME of my <span class="ev_code_RED">will/desire/ability/energy/clear mindedness</span>Yes, in spite of all the HELL anxiety created for me back then, I did it anyway - again, out of sheer desperation. For the 1st time in my entire life, 37 yrs old @ the time in 2005, I needed to put ME 1ST.
Long b/4 I was even ready for LUCINDA'S PROGRAM, I needed THERAPY 1st. I attended 20mths of very intensive therapy - facing my past/childhood. That was hell on earth- more emotional pain than any words I could use to describe it here. After a little bit, I began to initiate JOURNALING - I needed to get myself to a place where I was comfortable admitting what I was thinking & feeling - then, to FEEL THEM & ANY RESPECTIVE EMOTIONS. I journaled 8, 5 subject notebooks full. I had 30 yrs worth of surpressed anger/pain/fear/deep seeded resentment. I also got CURIOUS - my therapist explained clearly what this new thing was that had befallen me(anxiety disorder). LOL, me being who I am - couldn't just be complacent & take his word ONLY for it. I needed to find out for myself - so, I read a lge amt of books on anxiety disorder. Oh it was funny, I read like 16 books - I got so sick of books on anxiety - I was like a child w/ green veggies, honest & I told my therapist that, lol.
Know what he did? lol, he recommended the 1 book I hadn't read, hahahah - I gave him the look, hahahah. I read it anyways. Anna, knowledge is power - as I would come to find out. When you're recovering, you get so caught up in the process, you can't see the forest fr the trees. The "fear" comes fr: 1) the emotions you don't want to admit you have - then feeling them + 2) of the body symptoms & all physical things anxiety disorder makes you feel: cause, esp in the beginning - you don't know what THIS IS. So, long b/4 I even knew I was doing it, lol - I was doing it, if I make sense. Every session I went to, yep in spite of the bad stuff I felt that came out in sessions, + every single page I journaled + every book I read - it was LENORE - EMPOWERING HERSELF: I was facing & feeling the fear & I was obtaining knowledge about what anxiety disorder was. <span class="ev_code_RED">Think of it this way ANNA: once you admit it, once you feel it - what is there to fear? THen, as a result, anxiety disorder loses its power. Then, in COMBINATION w/ that, if I EDUCATE myself on what anxiety disorder is - getting myself to a place where I KNOW WHAT IT REALLY IS - it can't "DUPE" me anymore - cause then I learn I was in control all along.</span>
After going thru the initial 20mths of therapy - I was ready to FACE & CHANGE MYSELF. That is when I purchased Lucinda's program. I started it in Nov 2006 & completed it the 1st time in March 2007. My priority was ME & FEELING BETTER. I had 2 choices: either I allow the anxiety disorder to envelop me - continually take meds & do nothing or I fight like hell & help myself to the best of my ability. Yes, it was hard - but, what choice did I really have. I didn't like the existence I was living. That was, is, & always will be <span class="ev_code_RED">MY MOTIVATION.</span> I realized I have my character & much more control than I realized. However, I also bare responsibility to myself & how I feel - when it comes to anxiety disorder. I needed to change - what was not FEELING WELL was inside of me. Right/wrong/indifferent it wasn't hers/him/they/them/theirresponsibility + blame + fault. Blame belongs to noone. If I wanted to feel better - then it was I who needed to do the work necessary. If I wanted my independance - I then needed to sever my cypling emotional dependance I had ON EVERYONE . That would come as a result of me doing for me, by me.
I too know how lonely the existence is w/ recovery & anxiety disorder. I was home for 3 1/2 yrs recovering. Everyone I knew = hubby + our family - in laws + friends, etc ALL WORKED. They had jobs + spouses + children + homes + activities to tend to. Oh sure, in the beginning I didn't understand this. To be frank, I got really pissed off about it. "why am I here home alone - going thru this all - where is everybody - why is nobody here for me" - I said it all & yes, a few times, I argued w/ God about it - cried too. I would learn the ans to WHY to all those questions.
Having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder - in March 2007, I was diagnosed w/ depress for the 1st time in my life - boy, fr 1 thing to the next, lol. I never had depress b/4 - & the level I had it was horrible. I had graduated fr therapy having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder & off all anxiety meds & sleep aids. When this depress thing kicked in - I took my behind right back to therapy. After consultation, I agreed to go on a med for it. Simultaneously, addressing the WHY'S BEHIND MY DEPRESSION(that was the 1 stipulation I had in agreeing to take a med). Remember, I was home - alone majority of the time + depressed & on med for it + majority of the people I know/love/hold dear/my INNER CIRCLE - were not around. I was very lonely. That just fueled my resentment. I cried, got mad, & I had many discussions w/ God. 1 common discussion w/ him, I wanted to know "why am I going thru this & having to do it alone? where are my friends & our family? How come people aren't calling me concerned daily to see how I am?" I asked ALL THEM QUESTIONS & MORE. Trust you me, God was in heaven taking SOME SERIOUS "ADVIL" fr me, lol lol
I was feeling all these thing + having to work through/resolve all these diff things + had these issues I needed to work on + things in my life I didn't like - yet wasn't certain WHAT TO DO. Needless to say, I was a tad overwhelmed. I felt "un-loved" - silly, cause I was very much loved by many.
I had an "A-HA" MOMENT - where the lightbulb went off for me - that ans'd those questions & made it all make sense for me. For yrs, up & until when anxiety disorder triggered, I was the sum total of the events I had gone thru in childhood/teenage yrs/20-22 yrs old. I wasn't the woman Lenore - rather I was the VICTIM - I was living as THE PAST - just in present times. Every single thing I did & said, stemmed back to then. I didn't know I was doing it, yet I was. I was a ball of mangled emotional pain & didn't realize just how much so. I know I was always feeling this something & it wasn't right - I didn't know what or how to resolve it - I didn't know there WAS A WAY. That, in part, fueled my <span class="ev_code_RED">emotional dependance on everyone outside of myself.</span>
Next, because I had un-resolved abandonment issues - that just cemented my emotional dependance on folks. It wasn't that it wasn't "ok" for me to seek or need help. Rather, I assumed it majority of the time - long b/4 if ever, I turned to myself. That was the problem. In addition, how ever tragic my experiences were in yrs gone by - no matter what variety of ways I told the story - there would be no one who could HEAL IT for me. What needed to heal, was inside of me. I had spent so many yrs surpressing these emotions - they just built up - til there was no longer any more room in my emotional storage. Then, as a result of my having done those things - I created a series of bad/negative learned behaviors. In other words, it became A WAY OF LIFE FOR ME = A STATE OF BEING - FAMILIAR & COMFORTABLE, as unhealthy as it was to me & as bad as it made me feel. That is why I was home alone for 3 1/2 yrs.
You see ANNA, by being home & YES, ALONE - I had what I never had b/4 - TIME - the chance to heal & face all I needed to. I had been on my own in my senior yr of high school - there was no such thing then as having a CHOICE - I needed a job & secure an apt. My being home GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY I longed for, but didn't have. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - I had no where to run/hide/distract myself fr or with. The circumstance in itself, being home & alone majority of the time, forced me to face my past + myself + heal + grow + change + forgive + let go + move on - live my life as I THE WOMAN - ADULT LENORE chooses, however she chooses. I don't doubt for ONE SINGLE SECOND - if I was given the choice BEFORE HAND, whether or not to go on this JOURNEY(1 that was yrs over due) - I wouldn't have taken it. Anxiety disorder simply forced my hand - it let me know "LENORE, ITS TIME". If everyone I love & hold dear were around - too frequently, I would never have looked inside myself - I would have continued to facilitate the emotional dependance that was familiar to me = I would have sought the answers fr friends, our family, etc. Me being home alone, taught me to turn to me + trust me + learn to depend on me. No, not all the time. I simply learned to go to myself FIRST. Sure, the emotional pain was so bad, often @ times, I cried to my hubby in desperation for help - for him to help me make it go away. I even remember me coming home fr 1 session on a Fri nite(in 2005) - I ran to the bedroom - got on the bed, laid in a fetal position, crying & shaking - cause I felt I couldn't do it - I needed it to go away. There was my hubby, laying there right besides me - crying & frightened. Not only did he not live or have the background I did - he couldn't make it go AWAY FOR ME. There may have been events of the past out of my control - for which I didn't have a choice/say fr. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - gave me that opportunity to unburden myself - to free myself - to heal. As a result of those 3 1/2 yrs, spent majority of the time(not totally though) away fr our family & friends, I was able to heal/grow/change/evolve/unburnden myself - do all the things I needed to do, that TIME ALONE afforded me.Oh sure, I didn't like it- it was like that ICKY cough medicine you needed to take when you were a kid & made that squishy YUCK look on your face, lol. I may not have like it - but IT WAS what was BEST FOR ME. I wasn't alone in life - I just simply had a sm span of time - that required I be alone so I could heal/recover/FEEL BETTER. It was my FOREVER - I am very much loved. Another cool thing that came fr that time alone was this: I was mad I was having to got thru this all & alone at that. I often asked where everyone was - as thought their lives should be put on hold for the daily maintainance of ME, hahah. Really & honest. I was desperately emotionally dependant on people - I had such distorted expectations of those I held close to me - that it impaired my judgement on their roles in my life. AGain, spending time alone showed me that. <span class="ev_code_RED">I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my own happiness. No, not my husband, our family, or friends either. ME!</span> How on earth could I ever expect anyone to put their lives on hold - calling me 24/7(not literally - figuratively) while I recover? This was my journey to take. No, I wasn't above NEEDING LOVE/SUPPORT/COMFORT - what I'm referring to is way beyond that - I am talking about the EMOTIONAL DEPENDANCE = me assuming you/he/her/they/them had MY ANS'S & COULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. Me having to be alone quite simply fostered a much healthier & realistic level of expectations of people. I learned a healthy BALANCE = me reaching out & me knowing I could or needed to do FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. That was frightening to me.
When you take this JOURNEY - so many things come to your attn(issues/problems/decisions that need to be made, yet were put off, etc) - its like the PANDORA'S BOX to your soul & spirit are opened - brought to the forefront - to your attn. Then, combine that w/ the uncertainty + insecurity + low self esteem + self doubt created fr anxiety disorder & depression - you feel like you're on an EMOTIONAL TREADMILL - moving & moving, yet not technically getting anywhere. It's almost like a mix of fact & fiction. By that I mean, all which was surpressed by you emotionally & the FALSEHOODS created by anxiety disorder & depress. This can create self doubt/uncertainty. By you, the anxiety disorder/depression sufferer, working on you - you create the degree of separation needed. You clear the fog away - so that you can see clearly. You feel/heal/resolve what is inside of you - so that you can THEN make the choices/decisions you need to WITH CLARITY - based on what ANNA wants to - that will ENHANCE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. It can all seem daunting & frightening. Be patient w/ yourself & give yourself time - it will come to you. That is why Lucinda recommends in the program TO NOT MAKE ANY BIG DECISIONS WHILE GOING THRU THE PROGRAM - so that you learn fact fr the fiction anxiety disorder creates - so you make an honest "what anna truly wants" DECISION, not 1 fueled souly out of the false/negative emotions anxiety disorder & depression create. Remember ANNA - this IS YOUR LIFE - you DO get to choose how you want to live it & WHOM you choose to partake in it. Take the time to heal & recover - when you do, your self security will go WAYYYYYYYYYY UP^^^^^ - then, you can & will make any decisions you need to or want to.
LENORE
You are not stuck - your current circumstance may make you feel that way & you may tell yourself that - but you're not. If you want your independance + self sufficiency + self love/pride + clarity in your thoughts/decisions back, <span class="ev_code_RED">FOCUS ON "YOU" & "YOUR RECOVERY" = make your recovery your #1 priority.</span>
There is no greater MOTIVATORthan you wanting TO FEEL BETTER than the existence anxiety disorder & depression are creating for you RIGHT NOW, IN THEIR TOTALITY(combined). I say this frequently, Lol "Oprah once said - MOTIVATION COMES FR DOING". In other words, one simply can't sit & wait for it to HAPPEN/APPEAR - no. Rather, motivation comes when, often @ times we feel no "omph" if you will - no "motivation/desire" to DO IT - yet, <span class="ev_code_RED">we do it anyway.</span> It's that singular & defiant act(against anxiety disorder & depression), where the sufferer/afflicted, declares, "I've had enough of you + I want to feel better + I'm not taking it anymore + I am fighting you = I CLAIM ME - MY PERSONAL VICTORY". Is it hard? Yes, it is. However, no harder than living in the EXISTENCE anxiety disorder & depression create for you - that existence is much harder. Lucinda was correct when she said in the PROGRAM, "LIV'G W/ ANXIETY DISORDER & OR DEPRESSION" + taking the JOURNEY to RECOVERY - both will produce anxiety w/o a doubt. However, only 1 will give you personal freedom- that feeling that something has been lifted off your shoulder".
I understand that you are so "conflicted" inside right now. Don't make any RASH decisions now. I would work on YOU & YOUR RECOVERY/FEELING BETTER 1ST - this way, any decision that you do make - are made w/ certainty - not out of sheer emotions driven by the distorted views anxiety disorder & depression create for you.
I am not in your position, relationship wise(re: your BF) - I am married, happily. However, I understand all you mention. I lived on my own 10 yrs b/4 I got married in 1997. I worked FT + went to college @ nite & graduated top of the class. I worked in banking/brokerage on Wall St in NYC. In APR 2005, anxiety disorder triggered after I had surgery for the 1st time in my life. It completely turned my world upside dwn. I could no longer work, as a direct result of the severity of MY CASE OF ANXIETY DISORDER. I became inhibited + restricted + paralized by mind/body numbing FEAR - 24/7, beyond any comprehension I had. In addition, I became totally dependant on my husband & emotionally dependant on ANYONE willing to give me the time of day. I wasn't living, I was EXISTING. I sought immediate help w/ a psychiatrist. I was, after several initial sessions, diagnosed w/: anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD(post traumatic stress disorder) fr 3 different things. I was informed by my psychiatrist, in addition to my regular dr(who made generic & initial diagnosis) my case was 1 of the worst they had seen. Out of sheer necessity, after consulting w/ my psychiatrist + reg dr + pharmacist, I went on anxiety med 3x's per day + 2 sleep aids. It couldn't get much worse than it was for me back then. I had never taken any med's b/4, never had a need to - that in & of itself frightened me to how bad off I truly was. <span class="ev_code_RED">I was in the highest state of absolute DESPERATION.</span> Quite simply, I WANTED TO FEEL BETTER. My "wanting to FEEL BETTER" became the NUCLEUS for all my actions - even when anxiety disorder attempted to ROB ME of my <span class="ev_code_RED">will/desire/ability/energy/clear mindedness</span>Yes, in spite of all the HELL anxiety created for me back then, I did it anyway - again, out of sheer desperation. For the 1st time in my entire life, 37 yrs old @ the time in 2005, I needed to put ME 1ST.
Long b/4 I was even ready for LUCINDA'S PROGRAM, I needed THERAPY 1st. I attended 20mths of very intensive therapy - facing my past/childhood. That was hell on earth- more emotional pain than any words I could use to describe it here. After a little bit, I began to initiate JOURNALING - I needed to get myself to a place where I was comfortable admitting what I was thinking & feeling - then, to FEEL THEM & ANY RESPECTIVE EMOTIONS. I journaled 8, 5 subject notebooks full. I had 30 yrs worth of surpressed anger/pain/fear/deep seeded resentment. I also got CURIOUS - my therapist explained clearly what this new thing was that had befallen me(anxiety disorder). LOL, me being who I am - couldn't just be complacent & take his word ONLY for it. I needed to find out for myself - so, I read a lge amt of books on anxiety disorder. Oh it was funny, I read like 16 books - I got so sick of books on anxiety - I was like a child w/ green veggies, honest & I told my therapist that, lol.
Know what he did? lol, he recommended the 1 book I hadn't read, hahahah - I gave him the look, hahahah. I read it anyways. Anna, knowledge is power - as I would come to find out. When you're recovering, you get so caught up in the process, you can't see the forest fr the trees. The "fear" comes fr: 1) the emotions you don't want to admit you have - then feeling them + 2) of the body symptoms & all physical things anxiety disorder makes you feel: cause, esp in the beginning - you don't know what THIS IS. So, long b/4 I even knew I was doing it, lol - I was doing it, if I make sense. Every session I went to, yep in spite of the bad stuff I felt that came out in sessions, + every single page I journaled + every book I read - it was LENORE - EMPOWERING HERSELF: I was facing & feeling the fear & I was obtaining knowledge about what anxiety disorder was. <span class="ev_code_RED">Think of it this way ANNA: once you admit it, once you feel it - what is there to fear? THen, as a result, anxiety disorder loses its power. Then, in COMBINATION w/ that, if I EDUCATE myself on what anxiety disorder is - getting myself to a place where I KNOW WHAT IT REALLY IS - it can't "DUPE" me anymore - cause then I learn I was in control all along.</span>After going thru the initial 20mths of therapy - I was ready to FACE & CHANGE MYSELF. That is when I purchased Lucinda's program. I started it in Nov 2006 & completed it the 1st time in March 2007. My priority was ME & FEELING BETTER. I had 2 choices: either I allow the anxiety disorder to envelop me - continually take meds & do nothing or I fight like hell & help myself to the best of my ability. Yes, it was hard - but, what choice did I really have. I didn't like the existence I was living. That was, is, & always will be <span class="ev_code_RED">MY MOTIVATION.</span> I realized I have my character & much more control than I realized. However, I also bare responsibility to myself & how I feel - when it comes to anxiety disorder. I needed to change - what was not FEELING WELL was inside of me. Right/wrong/indifferent it wasn't hers/him/they/them/theirresponsibility + blame + fault. Blame belongs to noone. If I wanted to feel better - then it was I who needed to do the work necessary. If I wanted my independance - I then needed to sever my cypling emotional dependance I had ON EVERYONE . That would come as a result of me doing for me, by me.
I too know how lonely the existence is w/ recovery & anxiety disorder. I was home for 3 1/2 yrs recovering. Everyone I knew = hubby + our family - in laws + friends, etc ALL WORKED. They had jobs + spouses + children + homes + activities to tend to. Oh sure, in the beginning I didn't understand this. To be frank, I got really pissed off about it. "why am I here home alone - going thru this all - where is everybody - why is nobody here for me" - I said it all & yes, a few times, I argued w/ God about it - cried too. I would learn the ans to WHY to all those questions.
Having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder - in March 2007, I was diagnosed w/ depress for the 1st time in my life - boy, fr 1 thing to the next, lol. I never had depress b/4 - & the level I had it was horrible. I had graduated fr therapy having successfully recovered fr anxiety disorder & off all anxiety meds & sleep aids. When this depress thing kicked in - I took my behind right back to therapy. After consultation, I agreed to go on a med for it. Simultaneously, addressing the WHY'S BEHIND MY DEPRESSION(that was the 1 stipulation I had in agreeing to take a med). Remember, I was home - alone majority of the time + depressed & on med for it + majority of the people I know/love/hold dear/my INNER CIRCLE - were not around. I was very lonely. That just fueled my resentment. I cried, got mad, & I had many discussions w/ God. 1 common discussion w/ him, I wanted to know "why am I going thru this & having to do it alone? where are my friends & our family? How come people aren't calling me concerned daily to see how I am?" I asked ALL THEM QUESTIONS & MORE. Trust you me, God was in heaven taking SOME SERIOUS "ADVIL" fr me, lol lol
I was feeling all these thing + having to work through/resolve all these diff things + had these issues I needed to work on + things in my life I didn't like - yet wasn't certain WHAT TO DO. Needless to say, I was a tad overwhelmed. I felt "un-loved" - silly, cause I was very much loved by many.I had an "A-HA" MOMENT - where the lightbulb went off for me - that ans'd those questions & made it all make sense for me. For yrs, up & until when anxiety disorder triggered, I was the sum total of the events I had gone thru in childhood/teenage yrs/20-22 yrs old. I wasn't the woman Lenore - rather I was the VICTIM - I was living as THE PAST - just in present times. Every single thing I did & said, stemmed back to then. I didn't know I was doing it, yet I was. I was a ball of mangled emotional pain & didn't realize just how much so. I know I was always feeling this something & it wasn't right - I didn't know what or how to resolve it - I didn't know there WAS A WAY. That, in part, fueled my <span class="ev_code_RED">emotional dependance on everyone outside of myself.</span>
Next, because I had un-resolved abandonment issues - that just cemented my emotional dependance on folks. It wasn't that it wasn't "ok" for me to seek or need help. Rather, I assumed it majority of the time - long b/4 if ever, I turned to myself. That was the problem. In addition, how ever tragic my experiences were in yrs gone by - no matter what variety of ways I told the story - there would be no one who could HEAL IT for me. What needed to heal, was inside of me. I had spent so many yrs surpressing these emotions - they just built up - til there was no longer any more room in my emotional storage. Then, as a result of my having done those things - I created a series of bad/negative learned behaviors. In other words, it became A WAY OF LIFE FOR ME = A STATE OF BEING - FAMILIAR & COMFORTABLE, as unhealthy as it was to me & as bad as it made me feel. That is why I was home alone for 3 1/2 yrs.
You see ANNA, by being home & YES, ALONE - I had what I never had b/4 - TIME - the chance to heal & face all I needed to. I had been on my own in my senior yr of high school - there was no such thing then as having a CHOICE - I needed a job & secure an apt. My being home GAVE ME THE OPPORTUNITY I longed for, but didn't have. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - I had no where to run/hide/distract myself fr or with. The circumstance in itself, being home & alone majority of the time, forced me to face my past + myself + heal + grow + change + forgive + let go + move on - live my life as I THE WOMAN - ADULT LENORE chooses, however she chooses. I don't doubt for ONE SINGLE SECOND - if I was given the choice BEFORE HAND, whether or not to go on this JOURNEY(1 that was yrs over due) - I wouldn't have taken it. Anxiety disorder simply forced my hand - it let me know "LENORE, ITS TIME". If everyone I love & hold dear were around - too frequently, I would never have looked inside myself - I would have continued to facilitate the emotional dependance that was familiar to me = I would have sought the answers fr friends, our family, etc. Me being home alone, taught me to turn to me + trust me + learn to depend on me. No, not all the time. I simply learned to go to myself FIRST. Sure, the emotional pain was so bad, often @ times, I cried to my hubby in desperation for help - for him to help me make it go away. I even remember me coming home fr 1 session on a Fri nite(in 2005) - I ran to the bedroom - got on the bed, laid in a fetal position, crying & shaking - cause I felt I couldn't do it - I needed it to go away. There was my hubby, laying there right besides me - crying & frightened. Not only did he not live or have the background I did - he couldn't make it go AWAY FOR ME. There may have been events of the past out of my control - for which I didn't have a choice/say fr. My being home for those 3 1/2 yrs - gave me that opportunity to unburden myself - to free myself - to heal. As a result of those 3 1/2 yrs, spent majority of the time(not totally though) away fr our family & friends, I was able to heal/grow/change/evolve/unburnden myself - do all the things I needed to do, that TIME ALONE afforded me.Oh sure, I didn't like it- it was like that ICKY cough medicine you needed to take when you were a kid & made that squishy YUCK look on your face, lol. I may not have like it - but IT WAS what was BEST FOR ME. I wasn't alone in life - I just simply had a sm span of time - that required I be alone so I could heal/recover/FEEL BETTER. It was my FOREVER - I am very much loved. Another cool thing that came fr that time alone was this: I was mad I was having to got thru this all & alone at that. I often asked where everyone was - as thought their lives should be put on hold for the daily maintainance of ME, hahah. Really & honest. I was desperately emotionally dependant on people - I had such distorted expectations of those I held close to me - that it impaired my judgement on their roles in my life. AGain, spending time alone showed me that. <span class="ev_code_RED">I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my own happiness. No, not my husband, our family, or friends either. ME!</span> How on earth could I ever expect anyone to put their lives on hold - calling me 24/7(not literally - figuratively) while I recover? This was my journey to take. No, I wasn't above NEEDING LOVE/SUPPORT/COMFORT - what I'm referring to is way beyond that - I am talking about the EMOTIONAL DEPENDANCE = me assuming you/he/her/they/them had MY ANS'S & COULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. Me having to be alone quite simply fostered a much healthier & realistic level of expectations of people. I learned a healthy BALANCE = me reaching out & me knowing I could or needed to do FOR MYSELF, BY MYSELF. That was frightening to me.
When you take this JOURNEY - so many things come to your attn(issues/problems/decisions that need to be made, yet were put off, etc) - its like the PANDORA'S BOX to your soul & spirit are opened - brought to the forefront - to your attn. Then, combine that w/ the uncertainty + insecurity + low self esteem + self doubt created fr anxiety disorder & depression - you feel like you're on an EMOTIONAL TREADMILL - moving & moving, yet not technically getting anywhere. It's almost like a mix of fact & fiction. By that I mean, all which was surpressed by you emotionally & the FALSEHOODS created by anxiety disorder & depress. This can create self doubt/uncertainty. By you, the anxiety disorder/depression sufferer, working on you - you create the degree of separation needed. You clear the fog away - so that you can see clearly. You feel/heal/resolve what is inside of you - so that you can THEN make the choices/decisions you need to WITH CLARITY - based on what ANNA wants to - that will ENHANCE YOUR QUALITY OF LIFE. It can all seem daunting & frightening. Be patient w/ yourself & give yourself time - it will come to you. That is why Lucinda recommends in the program TO NOT MAKE ANY BIG DECISIONS WHILE GOING THRU THE PROGRAM - so that you learn fact fr the fiction anxiety disorder creates - so you make an honest "what anna truly wants" DECISION, not 1 fueled souly out of the false/negative emotions anxiety disorder & depression create. Remember ANNA - this IS YOUR LIFE - you DO get to choose how you want to live it & WHOM you choose to partake in it. Take the time to heal & recover - when you do, your self security will go WAYYYYYYYYYY UP^^^^^ - then, you can & will make any decisions you need to or want to.
LENORE
-
Guest
thank you so much all of you for your responses. I am going to try and do more things for myself. I know it sounds selfish but I think I need to find myself. My mom told me to try and break away from him in doing more things without him and see how I feel. It is SO hard to get motivated but I need to make a change. Thanks again!