Dating again with anxiety?!

[GardenFairy]

Hi,
I hope some of you are willing to share your experience about the subject of "dating after years of marriage AND anxiety"...
I´m 44 and divorced since last September, I have been been married about 14 years. After my husband had to move to another country for his job 4 years ago, it was the beginning of the end, so to speak. I have been dealing with an anxiety disorder all of the time, and since I was seperated from my husband, I gradually got better and better. Meanwhile I´m doing quite well, working full time again and living with my 14 year old daughter. Everything could be fine, but I´m missing that someone special, a person to love and share my life with. In my age it´s not so easy to find a good man, someone who is really good for ME. (I live in Germany, but I think this is an international "problem"...) I have read several guidebooks about dating and have started to look for Mr. Right via online dating.
I have good results, I´m a smart and goodlooking person, I´m not shy and I have become assertive enough to sort out Mr. Jerk, Mr. Idiot, Mr. Affair or Mr. Weird... and I get a lot of e-mails from men. Meanwhile, I have made various experiences so I could write a book about it! However, there are actually nice men of my age who are divorced and not looking for Mrs. Perfect, Mrs. MuchYounger or Mrs. NoWrinklesNoKidsNoPast, you know. So I started to have some dates. Of course, this takes me much courage, and today I will have a date with a man who is REALLY nice. I have seen a picture of him, we have been writing e-mails and talking on the phone, but I haven´t met him in reality yet.
I have always been attracted to men who are distant and reserved, men whose love I had to fight and beg for, which has to do with my father, I think.
Now I meet a man who is very active and calling and writing me frequently, showing me he´s happy to meet me, so I notice that I start to feel suspicious, panicky and threatened. Besides the question if I will still like him when I actually meet him, I ask myself how to overcome these patterns of feeling drawn to Mr. Wrong and overcoming my fears...And how to make the right decision if I meet more than one man who could be the right one....?
Anyone out here who can relate...? I would appreciate to share some of your experience! (sorry for my mistakes, English isn´t my mother tongue)

Thank you!
Susanne

[Guest]

Susanne -

I too went through a divorce (at age 30) and started dating again while also dealing with anxiety. It was difficult for me, especially since I wasn't very experienced in dating to begin with as I had married my first real girlfriend.

After reading your post, my advice to you is try and stop over-analyzing the situation. Dating is much more of an art than a science. You're going to meet some people that you really connect with and others that just don't work out. There are also going to be times when only one of you feels attraction to the other, which of course can't work either. So with that in mind, just continue seeing people until you find someone that you find attractive and interesting and they return your feelings.

Don't worry about if the person you find is "the one." That kind of thinking won't help you in any positive way and will only add to your anxiety and self doubt.

Good luck and try to enjoy the experience for what it is. It's not a competition and you're not out there to be the best. You're getting a fresh start and the world has a new person to meet!

Jamie

[Guest]

Hi Jamie,
thank you so much for your reply! Reading my post again, it sounds like I have made only good experiences. I forgot to mention the problem of how to cope with rejection and disappointments that go along with dating, too, of course! I think online dating and meeting new people really takes courage, even if you are not shy, especially for a person with an anxiety disorder. Meeting a total stranger and being prepared to open your heart again and again, even if it doesn´t work out... that´s the "art" I think...
Here in Germany we have this fairytale about a princess who had to kiss a frog who turned out to be a prince, so I use to say: you have to kiss many frogs until you find the prince...
By the way: my date yesterday was absolutely WONDERFUL...

[Guest]

Hi Jamie and whoever might read this,
looks like I have found my Mr. Right, I can hardly believe it.
I dated a man from an internet dating page after having written e-mails and calling each other on the phone several times. We liked each other and found out that we had many things in common, so we decided to get to know each other personally. I didn´t expect much but when we actually met, I fell in love with him almost instantly, it´s unbelievable. He seems to be the person I was praying for, a warm hearted, intelligent and stable man who wants the same things from life like I do, and likes me the way I am. While telling each other details about our past, I even mentioned my anxiety disorder, and he didn´t run away, wasn´t irritated. Of course we have to take the time to get to know each other well, but in my guts I know that when we are careful with each other... Reminds me very much of the story in Lucinda´s book when she met her husband David.

But now, after only two weeks, I realize that I get panicky, my anxiety is getting worse again. I´m not used to being happy at all, can hardly remember the last time when I was really happy and carefree in my life. Must have been when my daughter was a baby (she´s almost 15 now!) I´m not used to someone taking care of me that much, telling me all the nice things, calling me several times a day. Someone who appreciates my personality, wants to spend time with me, who´s reliable and honest. I have gotten so used to negative things in my life, I experienced rejection so many times, and I was raised to believe that every good thing turns out bad eventually, anyway. So is it any wonder that I get suspicious if I can really let go and feel safe in his arms? Every time we are together, I discover something new about him that´s funny, nice or admirable.
I don´t know how to handle this panic, don´t tell him about it, of course. I go nuts when he drives home with his bike until I get a message from him that he returned safely, for example. Can´t believe he will call again after a wonderful day together, until I hear his voice on the phone again. I have been alone and lonely for so long that I´m afraid to give my heart to someone again (however, I already did!). It feels so good to be with him, I think I couldn´t stand to loose him or get heartbroken again. I have changed so much by overcoming the anxiety, I have learned to take responsibility for my life and think positive, but I don´t know how to handle THIS! Although everything is okay, I´m so afraid and break down in tears sometimes when I´m alone. These feelings are overwhelming. Seems like I felt more safe when I was unhappy. Is´nt that crazy? Can anyone relate?

[Guest]

I know exactly what you are going through. The man I have been seeing for the past 6 months had me questioning myself a lot at first, but now I'm finding I'm much more comfortable with the situation after talking to myself about the positive progressions that have taken place and reminding myself of the personal things I must take care of for myself that are separate from him. The main lesson is that we cannot control other people or situations outside of our grasp. It does seem that good things always turn bad; but, if we look at it from a larger perspective: doesn't life have its ups and downs anyway? People who have been married for years will tell you (if they're honest) that they fall in and out of love with eachother on a regular basis. Some bad feelings or things that happen don't necessarily break the relationship. Both people in the relationship even become so comfortable with the other person that they seem to become separate although they are simply happy with the way things are with you. That voice in our heads can be so insistant and so full of ideas of all of the possible bad things that MIGHT happen. Sure, it's true, those accidents and other bad things happen to many people ever day, but we cannot live in fear. OK, I know this because I have these same fearful thoughts going through my head on a constant basis. I have 3 children, my father has been in the hospital at least 5 times for his heart and once most recently for pneumonia. My brother was in the emergency room 4 days ago for his heart. The man I have been dating I worry about constantly too. I don't ever want to lose him. I finally found him! Our relationship gets better and better. I've been completely honest with him about my depression and anxiety and my suspected bipolar disorder (Oh yeah, I also have OCD), and he's still here. In fact, we've gotten a lot closer, because although he doesn't have all of the same difficulties I do he has some of them. He understands and doesn't judge me. All I can see is something bad happening to him and my source of happiness for this part of my life (separate from the happiness with my children and family) would be gone, because I can't see myself ever meeting another man like him. Maybe the best thing to do is to try to take in all of the fun, enjoyment and closeness possible from this experience for now. See what lessons there may be to learn and what you learn about yourself in opening up and letting some of those walls come down. Stare fear in the face and say to yourself, "I am not going to stay in this dark hole of despair and loneliness you are trying to keep me in. I'm going to breathe, relax, and go-with-the-flow." Then, make sure you're in a bright place--open the blinds and curtains (or drapes), take a slow, careful look outside and imagine yourself out there doing what will help you feel happy and free. No matter what happens you will be fine and move forward. I'm sorry this ran so long. I hope I didn't overstep or misunderstand anything you said. Just remember that there is always something good in or that comes out of ourselves and our experiences if we let them.

[Guest]

GardenFairy -

That's wonderful news. I truly hope that this is the relationship you've been searching for and that it only improves with time. I can imagine how vulnerable you are feeling and how difficult it must be to open yourself up again. But, if you don't, you'll never be able to fully enjoy this experience.

As for your anxiety, it's certainly not to be unexpected. You've made a major change in your life and are experiencing emotions that you haven't felt in some time. Recognize that it's perfectly normal to feel anxious and then let it go. As ConfusedOne said, there are so many things that might happen, you could spend your entire day worrying about them. But worrying is just wasted time. Instead, try to replace your worries with positive, calming thoughts. It's a much better use of your time and energy.

Take care,
Jamie

[Guest]

Hi,
thank you for your answers!
Yes, it´s hard to accept and enjoy the good things AND still know there are no guarantees. My friend is so lovely and caring, it´s wonderful. Of course our love is new, then you are always enthousiastic, but I think it´s more a question of the personality if you are reliable and show your feelings.
And I realized that he is also in a vulnerable position, not only me. He has been married for 20 years and his wife betrayed and cheated on him for almost a year. When he found out, it was absolutely devastating for him, of course. Inspite of that he is willing to open his heart to me and trust again. If think if I were in his shoes, I would have hard time trusting someone new!
One good thing between us is that he is able to SEE when things are bothering him and he is also WILLING to talk about it. I never had that in a relationship, it was all about hiding, covering, holding a grudge, ignoring and denying problemns until it was too late...