I felt the need to come in and share a sort of a testimony of where I am today. Two to three weeks ago I would have never thought I would be sharing this with anyone. I hit rock bottom back then and went through a weekend of he@@ and thought this was it. I thought my marriage was over, my chances for ever being happy were over, and that I was destined to live all lone forever. But somewhere during that weekend something happened to me. I did a lot of meditation, pondering of my life (past, present, and future) and during that frame of mind I refound myself hiding. I want to share with everyone who is severely Agoraphobic and who doesn't think their lives can ever get better that it CAN it really CAN!
First of all I want to thank everyone who has been a part of my life in here for your kindness and your support, it has meant more to me than words can ever say. You have all been a very big part of my slowly getting my life back. <Hugs>
Up until a few weeks ago this has been one of the lonliest walks of my life and I have a long way to go but I pray I can get back to at least the way I was in 2006. I had finally got myself out of my house and going places again here in town. I was so close back then to hitting the highway and then bam I was knocked back for a loop and sunk back further into my shell than I had been before because of the loss of my sister, my mother-in-law, and and my sister-in-law all during the same year (2007). It was the most tragic and worst year of mine and my familys lives. Instead of facing it and accepting it I chose to sink back into my shell and hide from the world.
I was in the chatroom here in the group awhile back and was venting and talking about the Agoraphobia along with the anxiety/panic attacks and told them about Mary, Mary Lou, and Val and one of the members told me that one of the reasons I was having such a hard time was because when they passed on I quit living to. I had never thought about it that way but what they said was so true. At first I was angry that they said that but as we talked more I knew in my heart they were right. I had let myself become so depressed again that I gave up on life and I let the anger, frustrations, and sadness consume and overwhelm me. To those of you who were in the chatroom that night and to that one special person who made me see reality I thank you!!!!!
Later that night my husband and I had a serious talk with Gary telling me things that really hurt me but yet I knew was the truth. He knocked me back into reality and between that talk, my support groups, and the want to live again I think I am slowly coming out of my hibernation. No I take that back I don't think I KNOW!
So please never say never and don't give up because I was there I know things can get better. It's happening to me and I am going to push forward until I get there. It may not happen as fast as I would like it to but I know I will get there one way or another.
Thank you to anyone who was brave enough to read this through lol. Sorry I wrote a book. hehehehe
God bless and hugs,
Susan
Life Can Change For The Better, It's Happening To Me!
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Guest
Thank you Chatterbox. I really needed to hear your testimony. I am really having a difficult time right now. I was feeling this condition is never going to end. Right now I'm having a difficult time deciding if I can go to someones house for Thanksgiving dinner. I finished the program 2 months ago. But my fear, depression and racing thoughts seem never ending. I don't what to do. I hurt, feel all alone and scared. Thank you for helping me to belive things can get better. Thats all I have.
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Guest
Your welcome Robert. I know exactly what you mean. Although I am doing much better than I was I still get the anxiety/panic attacks and continue to stand up to them instead of cowering behind them. Several weeks ago I cowered and would start freaking when I would feel one coming on but now I am more like "who cares you are going to try and scare me whether I fight you or not so go ahead get it over with." Yes I now talk to the anxiety attacks lol and it has helped immensely. It has taken up enough of my life and now its time to take it back. I know I won't get it back as quick as I would like but I am thankful that I am slowly seeing positive changes in my life every day. Don't get me wrong its not peaches and cream and I will still have bad days I am sure but at least now I have the tools on how to control it instead of letting it control me. Hang in there!
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Guest
Dear Susan,
I am soooooo proud of you and your accomplishments and I thank God that He has brought you sooooo far!!!
Thank you sooooooo much for sharing your inspirational true story with each of us...
While reading your story, I must say that I can tell that you are well on your journey to recovery!!!
Once you stopped running from those panic attacks and talked down to them, then, you have got it down-pact...
God Bless You Susan!!! Thanks Again
I am soooooo proud of you and your accomplishments and I thank God that He has brought you sooooo far!!!
Thank you sooooooo much for sharing your inspirational true story with each of us...
While reading your story, I must say that I can tell that you are well on your journey to recovery!!!
Once you stopped running from those panic attacks and talked down to them, then, you have got it down-pact...
God Bless You Susan!!! Thanks Again
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Guest
Hi Susan, thanks so much for sharing your story. I too had a horrid 2007, my middle son was murdered and I did alot like you did. I too got help here but especially got back on track in a little church formed from here. Through prayer and more prayer and working the program I too found my way out of it. Glory be to GOD because I believe and have faith in HIM. Thanks Susan, Bruce
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Guest
Susan,
I am so glad to hear your story of triumph!! I'm also glad to talk with you anytime you're in chat. In fact I'm always hopeful you'll be on when I am. What a difference it can make when someone reaches out, says something that hits or are just there to listen.
I struggle still with holidays esp.Thanksgiving and Christmas. At least I don't run away any more. There were times I actually ran away from my family in the fog and stayed at a motel. I couldn't believe it, my parents came and found me. Now as I'm thinking about this, the parents I thought didn't care, that lied to me, wow, would they really come hunting for me if that was true. Yet there were things they still didn't own up to. My dad died without telling me the truth that he wasn't my real dad. Years later my mom still didn't till I knew that I knew for sure. Here the man she had been engaged to but never married was from up north where she came from. I was born and raised in Milwaukee,WI but met a guy from up here where mom and dad both lived. No wonder they didn't want me dating someone from up here because they were so afraid the truth would come out. Eventually it did. Funny how things work, my real biological father who after I met him, I tried several times but there were other complications, anyhow his name is on both of my kids birth certificates because he was the register of deeds at the time. Things have a way of coming out. Why did I write all this? I have no idea but I guess it shows God is still working on me. The revelation now that my parents coming to find me meant they did care. The problems I still have with my mother to this day are her own anxiety about things and I need to accept her as she is just like I want to be accepted by her.
Now maybe I'll always struggle around the holidays. I did take l/2 of xanax during the day yest. and again before going to bed. I haven't figured out why it seemed the little kids (as much as I like them) were really bothering me along with the dad playing the drums, small space for too many people with all that racket going on. Then while playing a game both my husband and I were feeling intimidated by my niece's smart a** husband. I was then feeling neck pain and weird symptoms, realized I had my own car to get out of there. Was I fleeing the scene? Not totally because by that time others were leaving too. So as I'm listening to your story and thinking over yesterday, I realize I am OK. I don't take xanax every day, it's there when I need it. I guess maybe what I do need to do is lay down for a while with the relaxation tape and try that first. I don't know. The xanax helps me to sleep and I only take l/2 of the smallest dose so what's the problem. Excuse me if it may look like I'm taking over Susan's thread. I'm not meaning to because I appreciate everything she said. I'm just thinking as I write about xanax and have done on other threads am I wanting your approval about xanax? On one of the CD's Lucinda says if you've been on it such and such a time you really need to try to get off. She also talks about people carrying them in their purse just in case. I don't do that but see last night was "as soon as I get home, I'm taking a xanax." I have taken them for maybe 20 yrs. but only 3-4X a mo. So is there any reason I need to feel guilty for this???
I appreciate you once again Susan and hope your or anyone else can answer my comments.
Barb
I am so glad to hear your story of triumph!! I'm also glad to talk with you anytime you're in chat. In fact I'm always hopeful you'll be on when I am. What a difference it can make when someone reaches out, says something that hits or are just there to listen.
I struggle still with holidays esp.Thanksgiving and Christmas. At least I don't run away any more. There were times I actually ran away from my family in the fog and stayed at a motel. I couldn't believe it, my parents came and found me. Now as I'm thinking about this, the parents I thought didn't care, that lied to me, wow, would they really come hunting for me if that was true. Yet there were things they still didn't own up to. My dad died without telling me the truth that he wasn't my real dad. Years later my mom still didn't till I knew that I knew for sure. Here the man she had been engaged to but never married was from up north where she came from. I was born and raised in Milwaukee,WI but met a guy from up here where mom and dad both lived. No wonder they didn't want me dating someone from up here because they were so afraid the truth would come out. Eventually it did. Funny how things work, my real biological father who after I met him, I tried several times but there were other complications, anyhow his name is on both of my kids birth certificates because he was the register of deeds at the time. Things have a way of coming out. Why did I write all this? I have no idea but I guess it shows God is still working on me. The revelation now that my parents coming to find me meant they did care. The problems I still have with my mother to this day are her own anxiety about things and I need to accept her as she is just like I want to be accepted by her.
Now maybe I'll always struggle around the holidays. I did take l/2 of xanax during the day yest. and again before going to bed. I haven't figured out why it seemed the little kids (as much as I like them) were really bothering me along with the dad playing the drums, small space for too many people with all that racket going on. Then while playing a game both my husband and I were feeling intimidated by my niece's smart a** husband. I was then feeling neck pain and weird symptoms, realized I had my own car to get out of there. Was I fleeing the scene? Not totally because by that time others were leaving too. So as I'm listening to your story and thinking over yesterday, I realize I am OK. I don't take xanax every day, it's there when I need it. I guess maybe what I do need to do is lay down for a while with the relaxation tape and try that first. I don't know. The xanax helps me to sleep and I only take l/2 of the smallest dose so what's the problem. Excuse me if it may look like I'm taking over Susan's thread. I'm not meaning to because I appreciate everything she said. I'm just thinking as I write about xanax and have done on other threads am I wanting your approval about xanax? On one of the CD's Lucinda says if you've been on it such and such a time you really need to try to get off. She also talks about people carrying them in their purse just in case. I don't do that but see last night was "as soon as I get home, I'm taking a xanax." I have taken them for maybe 20 yrs. but only 3-4X a mo. So is there any reason I need to feel guilty for this???
I appreciate you once again Susan and hope your or anyone else can answer my comments.
Barb
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Guest
(((((Barb))))) I can so relate to your reply girl. I used to think my Mom was my stepmom and that my Dad must have messed around on her which would be why she was so hateful and distant from me. We never had a close relationship and I can remember always feeling like she didn't love me. I remember day dreaming about my Dad and Mom getting divorced and Dad and I going somewhere else to live. I felt like a cinderella during most of my teenage years. I felt like I could never please her nor do anything right period. She is my birth mom of course and for whatever reasons we just didn't get along nor ever bond like a mother/daughter are supposed to do 
. This is something I will never be able to talk to her about now, because she passed away in '98 so I never got my chance to truly have a heart to heart with her as to why she kept me so confined and chained. My brothers and only sister (who was the one who passed in 2007) weren't nearly as confined and were allowed to do far more than I ever did. I still ponder what I did that she felt she had to keep me a prisoner.
Anyway as far as the Xanax I have never taken it nor anything else but have been seriously thinking about talking to my doctor about taking something that would just take the edge off but not dope me up. My Mom's side of the family has a lot of mental illnesses within it and several of my cousins and one aunt has been on meds for anxiety as far back as I can remember. I don't like the way the meds make them appear and act. They seem so doped up and out of it. I don't know exactly what they are taking for sure but I sure don't want it. A real close friend of mine however, who has became like a 2nd Mom to me (and who has truly shown me what a loving Mom is like), takes the generic form for Xanax and she swears by it. She only takes a pill when she needs it and says that it helps to calm her down when she feels the anxiety going up so high that she can't get it down on her own. I have heard several members in the group chat say it is a wonderful med that really helps them keep their anxieties in control also. If it helps you by all means stick with it.
Thank you for reply Barb, it means a lot to me and I also love visiting with you in chat as well.
God bless,
Susan
. This is something I will never be able to talk to her about now, because she passed away in '98 so I never got my chance to truly have a heart to heart with her as to why she kept me so confined and chained. My brothers and only sister (who was the one who passed in 2007) weren't nearly as confined and were allowed to do far more than I ever did. I still ponder what I did that she felt she had to keep me a prisoner. Anyway as far as the Xanax I have never taken it nor anything else but have been seriously thinking about talking to my doctor about taking something that would just take the edge off but not dope me up. My Mom's side of the family has a lot of mental illnesses within it and several of my cousins and one aunt has been on meds for anxiety as far back as I can remember. I don't like the way the meds make them appear and act. They seem so doped up and out of it. I don't know exactly what they are taking for sure but I sure don't want it. A real close friend of mine however, who has became like a 2nd Mom to me (and who has truly shown me what a loving Mom is like), takes the generic form for Xanax and she swears by it. She only takes a pill when she needs it and says that it helps to calm her down when she feels the anxiety going up so high that she can't get it down on her own. I have heard several members in the group chat say it is a wonderful med that really helps them keep their anxieties in control also. If it helps you by all means stick with it.
Thank you for reply Barb, it means a lot to me and I also love visiting with you in chat as well.
God bless,
Susan
Last edited by SusantheChatterbox on Fri Nov 27, 2009 7:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Guest
Dear Mrs. T and Bruce thank you both for your replies also. Mrs. T as always you continue to inspire me and keep me motivated as you also do for so many others. (((((Mrs. T.)))))
(((((Bruce))))) I am so sorry that you and your family had such a tragic thing happen to you. May God continue to comfort you and help you through each day. God bless you and your family.
Susan
(((((Bruce))))) I am so sorry that you and your family had such a tragic thing happen to you. May God continue to comfort you and help you through each day. God bless you and your family.
Susan
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Guest
Thanks Susan for your reply. I too take the generic form of xanax and only l/2 of the smallest dose so I will not feel guilty any more. I only take it like 4X in a row (hormonal I think) altho yest. I took one in the afternoon and night. So what's the big deal even if I took 6 in a month. If it helps, it's worth it. Yes, maybe you should try it. I think you'd only use it once in a while too.Thanks for the advice.
Barb
Barb