I dunno but I do know that i survived once again and i'm not giving up. i'm going to keep trying until i can do this comfortably
It was bad, but i did it again anyway!!
So i mentioned not long ago about how i went to my boyfriend's house for the first time and it was AWFUL! I was disappointed in myself for the way i felt the whole time i was there and i didn't want to do it again. Well, I did it anyway!! It still wasn't great. I was sick to my stomach most of the time and i got frustrated by that but i still made it through and it was more fun than the first time. i'm thinking my upset stomach might actually be coming down with something rather than it being just anxiety. or perhaps its all the stress of worrying about all kinds of things lately its just given me a constant upset stomach because i have it even when i'm not in stressful situations.
I dunno but I do know that i survived once again and i'm not giving up. i'm going to keep trying until i can do this comfortably
I dunno but I do know that i survived once again and i'm not giving up. i'm going to keep trying until i can do this comfortably
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle... But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Chelsie,
Good for you for trying again! That takes a lot of guts. I remember when I was trying to get myself back out there after several months of being housebound/bedbound. It was very hard and it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I am really glad I forced myself to keep trying, because it got easier with every attempt. Those first few weeks of forcing myself to go places were very hard. I was talking to myself differently and let me tell you, at first it was so hard to believe what I was saying to myself. Things like, "I'm okay, it's just anxiety, no big deal!" That was SO hard to believe, because for 4 years I had made my anxiety a VERY big deal. But you know what? If I was able to tell myself it was a big deal, I was able to tell myself it wasn't... and eventually you do believe it. It's just the process of letting go and trusting yourself. You feel like if you start to believe it isn't a big deal, you're no longer going to be prepared for that huge panic attack right around the corner that we ALWAYS fear. That was the biggest issue for me when I was attempting to belittle my anxiety. The thing is, though, we create all of those unpleasant feelings for ourself! Whether we do it because of an issue we are trying to cover up, because we were raised in fear, or possibly a combination of both.
You are doing such a great job and you're doing the right thing. You've GOT to get out there and work on that stuff. I remember when my coach was telling me that either I get out there and try or I was never going to get better. It was terrible to hear, because honestly, as miserable as I was, I was putting this idea in my head that it was impossible to get out there.
Let me tell you what I've done anxiety-free over the last 2 months... (and keep in mind, November, December, January, and February I wasn't able to leave my bed. I was anxious about going out to other parts of my apartment, if that tells you anything)
I went to the dentist
I went apartment hunting with my boyfriend to help him out with picking an apartment, which meant going to many, many different apartment complexes, sitting in rental offices, going in elevators with complete strangers, and spending hours driving to many different cities
I went out to dinner with my boyfriend for our anniversary and LOVED every minute of it
I went to a job interview that was in a tiny room and I interviewed with 2 big shot people from the county library and as nervous as I was, I did a fantastic job and I was really proud of myself!
I went through the disaster of losing my job, and although I've yet to find anything else, I handled it well and I've been out and about filling out applications at many different places.
I've gone to friends houses and out to socialize with friends and enjoyed myself
And the only time I spend in my bed now, is at night when I sleep.
Last night I was standing out on my patio with my cat, enjoying the spring breeze, listening to some music, and I realized how much I truly love just being alive. And there was a time when, Chelsie, honestly, I didn't want to keep going. I was going through each day dreading the next one. I have been to the lowest point, I know how it feels. No, I am not 'cured' and yes I still deal with anxiety, but not at all to the extent I used to. But you are doing everything right. You must keep trying! It does get easier, I promise. Keep giving it your all and take the power away from that anxiety! You look young to me, and I am also young (22), so I know it isn't any fun dealing with anxiety at our age. But it doesn't have to be a forever thing and I am living proof of that!
Good for you for trying again! That takes a lot of guts. I remember when I was trying to get myself back out there after several months of being housebound/bedbound. It was very hard and it was something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy, but I am really glad I forced myself to keep trying, because it got easier with every attempt. Those first few weeks of forcing myself to go places were very hard. I was talking to myself differently and let me tell you, at first it was so hard to believe what I was saying to myself. Things like, "I'm okay, it's just anxiety, no big deal!" That was SO hard to believe, because for 4 years I had made my anxiety a VERY big deal. But you know what? If I was able to tell myself it was a big deal, I was able to tell myself it wasn't... and eventually you do believe it. It's just the process of letting go and trusting yourself. You feel like if you start to believe it isn't a big deal, you're no longer going to be prepared for that huge panic attack right around the corner that we ALWAYS fear. That was the biggest issue for me when I was attempting to belittle my anxiety. The thing is, though, we create all of those unpleasant feelings for ourself! Whether we do it because of an issue we are trying to cover up, because we were raised in fear, or possibly a combination of both.
You are doing such a great job and you're doing the right thing. You've GOT to get out there and work on that stuff. I remember when my coach was telling me that either I get out there and try or I was never going to get better. It was terrible to hear, because honestly, as miserable as I was, I was putting this idea in my head that it was impossible to get out there.
Let me tell you what I've done anxiety-free over the last 2 months... (and keep in mind, November, December, January, and February I wasn't able to leave my bed. I was anxious about going out to other parts of my apartment, if that tells you anything)
I went to the dentist
I went apartment hunting with my boyfriend to help him out with picking an apartment, which meant going to many, many different apartment complexes, sitting in rental offices, going in elevators with complete strangers, and spending hours driving to many different cities
I went out to dinner with my boyfriend for our anniversary and LOVED every minute of it
I went to a job interview that was in a tiny room and I interviewed with 2 big shot people from the county library and as nervous as I was, I did a fantastic job and I was really proud of myself!
I went through the disaster of losing my job, and although I've yet to find anything else, I handled it well and I've been out and about filling out applications at many different places.
I've gone to friends houses and out to socialize with friends and enjoyed myself
And the only time I spend in my bed now, is at night when I sleep.
Last night I was standing out on my patio with my cat, enjoying the spring breeze, listening to some music, and I realized how much I truly love just being alive. And there was a time when, Chelsie, honestly, I didn't want to keep going. I was going through each day dreading the next one. I have been to the lowest point, I know how it feels. No, I am not 'cured' and yes I still deal with anxiety, but not at all to the extent I used to. But you are doing everything right. You must keep trying! It does get easier, I promise. Keep giving it your all and take the power away from that anxiety! You look young to me, and I am also young (22), so I know it isn't any fun dealing with anxiety at our age. But it doesn't have to be a forever thing and I am living proof of that!
hugs&kisses,
Karilynn
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
"How you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. And, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big test followed by one big lesson. In the end, it all comes down to one word: grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, darkness and the light."
Karilynn
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
Frank Herbert
"How you climb up the mountain is just as important as how you get down the mountain. And, so it is with life, which for many of us becomes one big test followed by one big lesson. In the end, it all comes down to one word: grace. It's how you accept winning and losing, good luck and bad luck, darkness and the light."
Karilynn,
wow, you've done so amazing! You're very inspirational to me. i want to be able to do those things and feel great doing them, too. I am young, only 19, and i've been agoraphobic since i was 14 so i've missed out on all those great years and i want to be able to make them up. And i really want to be the girlfriend my boyfriend deserves. We have been dating for 6 months and i haven't been able to go out with him and have an actual date. I really want to.
You're doing so great. Thank you for sharing your story and sharing that inspiration. You give me so much hope!
wow, you've done so amazing! You're very inspirational to me. i want to be able to do those things and feel great doing them, too. I am young, only 19, and i've been agoraphobic since i was 14 so i've missed out on all those great years and i want to be able to make them up. And i really want to be the girlfriend my boyfriend deserves. We have been dating for 6 months and i haven't been able to go out with him and have an actual date. I really want to.
You're doing so great. Thank you for sharing your story and sharing that inspiration. You give me so much hope!
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle... But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Wow Chelsie my stories pretty much the same. I started gettin agoraphobic when I was 15, now I'm 18. I am having a lot of trouble being able to get out and do stuff, even drive longer then 10 minutes away. I recently went over to a friends house, I only stayed for 10 minutes but I haven't dont that in a while. A month ago I got off meds that I was on for probably 2 or 3 years, and its hard not having the comfort of medicine to fall back on, but I am working on it. I really like this guy, and I know he likes me, but I can never really hang out with him, because of the disorder....kinda sucks but i guess i just have to wait till i'm better.
This is to karilynn, chelsie, and Lizikins,
Karilynn: that is a HUGE inspiration...I am 21, started getting agoraphobic 2 years ago and yes there are some days I don't want to go on...but on those VERY rare days where i get a taste of relief..its the sweetest thing ive ever experienced. When you said how you stood out on your patio with your cat, I could literally feel the breeze you described. That breath of fresh air. there's nothing like it.
Chelsie: sweetie i know EXACTLY how you feel. I assure you i am the same way. I have had periods of being homebound/bedbound, and it is happening right now actually, as i write. I know from experience that the anxiety WILL dissipate and we just have to push on. as hard as that sounds. Because let me tell you lately I have said i don't wana go on anymore, but i know i really would never commit suicide. To us anxiety thinkers, thats just another exit sign we look for, along with ones in crowded places and uncomfy situations. You will get better sweetie.
Lizikins: I'm in the exact same situation as you right now. There is this guy who lives about 25 minutes from me that I am interested in. He's going to take a bus here this weekend so i don't have to go by him, and ironically, he went through anxiety too. My panic attacks are the worst and i worry they will get in the way and i won't be able to see him. We are all so alike, it gives me the chills.
If any of you want to talk to me directly, just let me know and i'll give you my screen name.
And rememeber: it does get better because it has to!
Karilynn: that is a HUGE inspiration...I am 21, started getting agoraphobic 2 years ago and yes there are some days I don't want to go on...but on those VERY rare days where i get a taste of relief..its the sweetest thing ive ever experienced. When you said how you stood out on your patio with your cat, I could literally feel the breeze you described. That breath of fresh air. there's nothing like it.
Chelsie: sweetie i know EXACTLY how you feel. I assure you i am the same way. I have had periods of being homebound/bedbound, and it is happening right now actually, as i write. I know from experience that the anxiety WILL dissipate and we just have to push on. as hard as that sounds. Because let me tell you lately I have said i don't wana go on anymore, but i know i really would never commit suicide. To us anxiety thinkers, thats just another exit sign we look for, along with ones in crowded places and uncomfy situations. You will get better sweetie.
Lizikins: I'm in the exact same situation as you right now. There is this guy who lives about 25 minutes from me that I am interested in. He's going to take a bus here this weekend so i don't have to go by him, and ironically, he went through anxiety too. My panic attacks are the worst and i worry they will get in the way and i won't be able to see him. We are all so alike, it gives me the chills.
If any of you want to talk to me directly, just let me know and i'll give you my screen name.
And rememeber: it does get better because it has to!
Thanks you guys!
To lizikins - you should feel proud of going to your friend's house, even if it was just for a few minutes. And driving the smallest distance is great. I never got my permit so I haven't learned to drive. It's one of my goals for this year and it makes me incredibly anxious just thinking about going to the DMV for the test. I wouldn't give up on the guy just because of your disorder. i met my boyfriend 6 months ago. i only met him because he came over with my cousin. i was actually embarrassed about my disorder and had a hard time telling him about it but i did and he's been really patient with me and he's been a great motivation for trying when my motivation runs out. It's been good for me, maybe it would be good for you too =)
To Ashli6186 - Thank you! I know its difficult and sometimes life's good and sometimes its not so great. I would love to talk to you sometime if you have AIM my screen name is chelsiebug23. =)
To lizikins - you should feel proud of going to your friend's house, even if it was just for a few minutes. And driving the smallest distance is great. I never got my permit so I haven't learned to drive. It's one of my goals for this year and it makes me incredibly anxious just thinking about going to the DMV for the test. I wouldn't give up on the guy just because of your disorder. i met my boyfriend 6 months ago. i only met him because he came over with my cousin. i was actually embarrassed about my disorder and had a hard time telling him about it but i did and he's been really patient with me and he's been a great motivation for trying when my motivation runs out. It's been good for me, maybe it would be good for you too =)
To Ashli6186 - Thank you! I know its difficult and sometimes life's good and sometimes its not so great. I would love to talk to you sometime if you have AIM my screen name is chelsiebug23. =)
"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle... But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." -Marilyn Monroe
Ashli6186- That is pretty cool that hes gone through anxiety because then he'll understand very well with what your going through.
Chelsie- I got my permit last summer. I had to first practice driving to the DMV. Once I could do that, I tried walking in and then left. Then I went another time, walked in, and took the test. It wasn't as long a process as I thought it would be. I went in a room and took the test extremely fast. If your going to take the test, I would recommend studying alot so then right when you see the question, you'll be able to get the answer faster. After that they take your picture, that takes one second, and then you sit and wait for them to call your name to get your permit. During that time I listened to my ipod, and I wasn't feeling that nervous because I had already finished the hard part. lol the hard part is actually getting my license and taking the road test......thats gonna be a challenge.
Right now though my friends have been being a pain and getting mad when I don't show up to things. One of my friends got mad at me because I didnt call her on her birthday, but I thought she was mad at me since i didn't go to her birthday breakfast cuz i felt too nervous......so shes all mad at me about that. I told her that I thought she was mad at me, but she just said that she thought the least i would do is call her and say happy birthday.....idk its annoying me right now....i hate people being mad at me.
Chelsie- I got my permit last summer. I had to first practice driving to the DMV. Once I could do that, I tried walking in and then left. Then I went another time, walked in, and took the test. It wasn't as long a process as I thought it would be. I went in a room and took the test extremely fast. If your going to take the test, I would recommend studying alot so then right when you see the question, you'll be able to get the answer faster. After that they take your picture, that takes one second, and then you sit and wait for them to call your name to get your permit. During that time I listened to my ipod, and I wasn't feeling that nervous because I had already finished the hard part. lol the hard part is actually getting my license and taking the road test......thats gonna be a challenge.
Right now though my friends have been being a pain and getting mad when I don't show up to things. One of my friends got mad at me because I didnt call her on her birthday, but I thought she was mad at me since i didn't go to her birthday breakfast cuz i felt too nervous......so shes all mad at me about that. I told her that I thought she was mad at me, but she just said that she thought the least i would do is call her and say happy birthday.....idk its annoying me right now....i hate people being mad at me.