What to do????

radarsmom · Post by **radarsmom** » Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:11 pm

I usually don't struggle with depression but I am depressed today and I told my husband. He said "I'm depressed too" and I said "I'm sorry, do you feel depressed alot?" and he said "everyday" and I said "What are you depressed about?" and he said "My life" and I said "Well I am part of your life, does your depression have to do with me" and he said "Let's not talk about That." So what am I supposed to do with that?

I know that my husband could have a better life with someone else. I am severely disabled with anxiety, Panic disorder, agoraphobia And to top that off I had endometriosis and had to have a hysterectomy so I can't have children. I am a good person, I love my husband and I know that he loves me but sometimes I wonder if he wouldn't be better off without me. He would be sad for awhile but maybe he would have a better life with someone who isn't disabled in so many ways. The last thing I want to do is go through life without him but after him saying that he is depressed because of me.....I don't know what to think. Please help. I thought I was depressed before and then he tells me that he is depressed because of me, that knocked me for a loop. I have cried off and on all day.

I have the program and I am able to do a few little things that I use to couldn't do but I don't see myself recovering fully ever to be honest. I want to and I am trying though.

Any ideas or advice? I don't want to ruin his life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 13, 2008 2:26 pm

Just remember YOU CAN DO ANYTHING...there is an infinite supply of source/healing energy at your disposal you just have to learn to tap into that and once you do you can create miracles! That is the truth! It is your choice whether or not you do it. You don't have to accept being disabled and having anxiety forever...in my opinion all the anxiety and 'disability' comes from self criticism...be good and gentle to yourself ALWAYS...no matter what...and your strength and vitality will soar and your husband might come running back to you happier than he ever was before!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:23 pm

Hello Radarsmom:

You are working on yourself....it will take time to get to the other side, but if you really want to change the way you think, you can. This program is for you to do with what you wish. The possibilities are endless. Yes, right now you might have some limitations...but that will change and you will too. Remember this, move forward, work on yourself and see what good things will change all around you. Do this for yourself first and foremost. That is so important. Love yourself and everything else will fall into place as it should. Trust! Good luck.

BTTRFLY · Post by **BTTRFLY** » Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:26 pm

I don't know if a separation is the right thing to do it did not work for me. I was also disabled you could say, with clinical depression and my ex husband found another life while we were still married. I wonder if your husband is just frustrated. Would he be willing to do this program with you?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Jul 13, 2008 4:36 pm

radarsmom,

I think you are being too hard on yourself. first of all, he did not directly state you are "ruining his life." He stated, "Let's not talk about That." Sometimes when people who are close to us sees that we are struggling, they feel helpless if they cannot "fix" us. When they realize that they can't, they get depressed and aggravated. It is because they LOVE us. The best thing to do is ask yourself, "What would you do if the tables were turned?" "What if you couldn't "fix" him?" "How would you feel or handle it?"
This disorder takes complete hold of ours lives if we let it. It is a fight, but we can win. I have struggled my whole life with it, and also had people try and "fix" me. They best thing to do is work this program, exercise, meditate and take care of YOU. It all starts with you and the rest will fall into place. Be kind to yourself and talk to yourself as you would talk to your friends struggling. I also have found that I LOSE myself when I let the anxiety take over. Get a manicure, pedicure, hair done, shop, whatever you need to do to help dig you out of this slump. When you feel "pretty" about yourself...it causes a domino effect....then others feel good and want to be around you.
I don't feel separation is the answer. Patience, communication and understanding are the keys.
Good luck and keep me posted please.

Belinda

JohnorVarouj · Post by **JohnorVarouj** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 12:55 pm

Thanks to all who replied. I very much appreciate the words of kindness and encouragement. I am going to take your advice and be kind to myself. I am not very good at that.

I believe that as one of you stated that my husband is frustated more that anything. I can see that he feels helpless, heck, I feel helpless sometimes. I believe you are on target Belinda by saying to take care of me and I will draw others. I am going to do that. I have also decided to fight to keep my husband. He is so worth it. I don't think that he wants to be without me and I hope that I can be half the woman that he sees in me.

Thank you again. I will let you know what happens.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 15, 2008 4:01 pm

i like what gail said. he needs to be more informed about what you are going through. i always fill my husband in on what i'm learning and sometimes we listen to the CDs together. it helps him to understand what i am going through. when i got married someone gave me a list of ten things to have a happy marriage. one of them was: spend more time trying to better yourself than your partner. the best thing you can do for him is improve your anxiety. be good to yourself and tell him you're going through a rough time but you're going to get through it and tell him you might need a little more support from him. most importantly just communicate with him. and when you need to complain jump on here and complain to us. there's always someone online.
good luck!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:32 am

Thanks LaceyM. I probably complain to my husband too much and he gets frustrated because he wants to fix it (which he can't). I am going to talk to everyone here more for support and try to share with my husband when I am having a good day and not just a bad one.

Great advice.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 5:43 pm

I always feel like my husband deserves better. I could only give him one bio child and he is from a huge family. It is heart-breaking, but I am the one not accepting it, not him. He tells me that he chooses to be with me because he loves me and that we will facw WHATEVER we come upon together. Today you and I may be crippled with the things we have,but who knows what tomorrow will bring. Our husbands may encounter an illness totally different than ours. Would we be better not sticking by their sides?
Communication is key. So is forgiving and accepting yourself.
Once in a fight my husband said "don't think I can't find another wife and one that will love our daughter." Those words literally haunt me every day. He has apologized and explained how we say things in anger. Plus when you are angry and want to hurt someone, you dig where you know it will hurt. He did and he's human. I forgive but live in fear.
Gosh. One time he said in a fight that he'd never have sex with me again knowing full well that my ex didn't care for it AT ALL and refused to have it for MONTHS at a time. I always felt like something was wrong with me that he felt that way.
Anyway, keep reaching out to him and hold each other's hand through this. You can make it. Do focus more on the good things- for your sake too!

hayley · Post by **hayley** » Thu Jul 17, 2008 7:16 pm

Regarding this post. I went through this program 8 years ago and I know it works, it worked for me. I was extremely agoraphobic and had panic disorder. I had to practice walking outside over and over again, driving up and down my street...and then everything beyond that.(I wouldn't step outside my house.) I woke up in the middle of the night with the attacks, and every morning. It was terrible....and depressing. I NEVER thought I would get over it. It was SO EXTREME, I didn't think it was possible. It took me a while because of the extreme state I was in, but I did it. I remember there were things I thought I could NEVER do that I actually was EXCITED about doing instead of being scared when I got better. I got to a point where I actually functioned without even thinking about anxiety. Panic attacks were no longer a part of my life. I recently had a set back, some very stressful events in my life I believe brought it on and have had some pretty difficult anxiety and attacks, but it is not as bad because I know I have gotten through it before. I can tell you that you will not feel that down on yourself when you start really making progress. YOU WILL if you stick to the program. It all depends on how badly you want to get better...do the program over and over again. If you are devoting hours a day to negative thinking you are going to have to get really radical and devote hours a day to the program. It will work. Hang in there. I am going through it again and am already starting to feel better and the have only been having the problems again for a couple of weeks. If you address any setbacks right away, I believe you overcome them a lot faster because you don't give yourself a long time to reinforce that negative thinking. TRUST ME, THERE IS HOPE! I WAS TERRIBLE WHEN I FIRST GOT THE PROGRAM AND I HAD A TOTAL RECOVERY.