What's wrong with me!? Seriously.
Ok so I was dating a guy(keith). We have been seeing each other since last Jan. We officially became a couple in May/June 07. Stayed together through I dunno.. Nov/Dec. We had sort of off and on-ness I guess, though we had many good byes, we never really, like really broke up. There is a lot of detail here that I just don't have the time or effort to give. But basically we just didn't get it together and we both had our own faults. Around Jan 08 we broke up. Like officially quit talking and everything. We both joined a dating site, the same one, and ran into each other on it of course.
To make a long story short we started talking. A lot of different things transpired and we came to a point where he said he just needed to think about us and everything, to decide if what he wanted.
I tried. Oh help me I tried so hard to not think about what was going. To stop texting, to stop calling, to just give him a little damn space, and I couldn't. I just kept pushing and shoving. Demanding he tell me what he wanted. WHY? Why couldn't I calm down? Why couldn't I stop myself? I drove him further and further away. But then, he did some things, and I started to think... well maybe.. maybe he is really thinking he might wanna be together. We even spent the whole weekend together. It was great and we had a wonderful time. But then Tuesday rolled around again and I told him to decide what he wants right now. He told me all along that demanding a decision NOW would mean NO, because he had to think. And I hoped like he !!, seriously hoped his answer wouldn't be no. But I demanded an answer NOW yesterday morning (Tuesday) and he said no. And I said if the answer right now is no then I walk.
And we exchanged some words and he said to me that all I was required to do was live. Live my life like I do everyday, without him around, and let him think. My response was that I couldn't. This has now began to seriously bother me, much more-so than it was before. WHY NOT?? WHY did I have to stand over top of him!? WHY did I have to constantly demand an answer!? WHY WHY couldn't I just stop bothering him for two days and let him think!? WHY couldn't I just live my daily life as usual and stop stressing. Stop thinking about it. Stop worrying. Why couldn't I keep myself from waking up in a panic attack everyday?? WHY!? What the Crap is wrong with me!?
I basically pushed him away and then forcefully drove him away by behaving this way and demanding an answer NOW NOW NOW. I told him I needed him in or out of my life and i needed to know now, so he said out. And it hurts. It hurts so bad. I feel like such a SCREW UP! Why am I this way!? Why couldn't I give him the one thing he ask for which was space. Why, when I so badly want him in my life, did I so intently push him out!? WHY couldn't I just stop and be calm!?
I don't know why. I just know I couldn't and I hate it. I don't want to be this way. I have frocked this relationship up, it seems, beyond repair. I don't want to repeat my mistakes in the future. But how do you correct something you cant seem to help yourself from? I mean, I suppose with some SERIOUS will power I could have made myself leave him alone to think, but inside, I was going nuts! I was tense and anxiety ridden and freaking out. Inside I still NEEDED to know the answer. How do i correct that? How do I not be this way? What is wrong with me? Why am I like this? Is anyone else like this? Am I just a very 'special' girl?
... :*( My heart is aching so bad. He is gone. I probably could have prevented it, if i was capable of being calm. Someone help me. I'm so heart broken and don't know how to heal it and don't know how to fix myself.
Why did I push him away? Why am I like this?
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squish_is_me
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:41 pm
sometimes we need to create drama in our lives, especially when things are going well. we get so used to the fear and anxiety, that when things go smoothly,,,,bam! we create it. maybe you just think you miss and need him, because he said he wanted out. maybe that's why its been so on again off again, because all those times were really little dramas you were creating. just something to think about. i am good at creating drama in my life, sometimes i have to step back and really look at myself, and it also helps to write it down. i would bet you are a wonderful person capable of loving and being loved. just remember...this too shall pass.
Hey, stop beating yourself up. If this man really wanted to be with you your pressuring or even "wild horses" wouldn't been able to keep him away from you. Usually when people in love break up because of differences and they both really love each other, they don't usually start going to dating sevices or seeing other people, they're usually feeling too bad to see other people. I think this guy wanted you without the commitment.
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squish_is_me
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:41 pm
well the way we were had to do with a lot of things on both of our parts. The more I look over the past year the more I feel like it was mostly my fault and the more I feel remorseful for the things I did. That is not to say that I believe he had no hand in causing our relationship to take the road it did. But I made so many bad choices.
And this right here, is just bothering me so bad. He said "all you had to do was just live you life. Go to work. Take care of your kids. Hang out with your friend. And you couldnt do it. Just give me more than a day alone to think. This could be so easy."
--I read all this and I think of the fact that I couldnt. Am I that OCD?? Is this really freaking abnormal? Am I making drama, not just externally with him but within myself? Why? I HATE feeling this way inside!
And to boot, he is gone, and I am so sad. And all I have now is to try and heal my heart and understand why I behave this way so I dont do it again. Because as I look over my past(my life, not just with him), I can see this isnt the first time I've taken to this behaviour and inability to just stop. It makes me feel defective.
And this right here, is just bothering me so bad. He said "all you had to do was just live you life. Go to work. Take care of your kids. Hang out with your friend. And you couldnt do it. Just give me more than a day alone to think. This could be so easy."
--I read all this and I think of the fact that I couldnt. Am I that OCD?? Is this really freaking abnormal? Am I making drama, not just externally with him but within myself? Why? I HATE feeling this way inside!
And to boot, he is gone, and I am so sad. And all I have now is to try and heal my heart and understand why I behave this way so I dont do it again. Because as I look over my past(my life, not just with him), I can see this isnt the first time I've taken to this behaviour and inability to just stop. It makes me feel defective.
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'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
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squish_is_me
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:41 pm
well for me at least, I was on htere to try and get over and move on, I wasnt really ready to date.Usually when people in love break up because of differences and they both really love each other, they don't usually start going to dating sevices or seeing other people, they're usually feeling too bad to see other people. I think this guy wanted you without the commitment.
as far as commitment, part of how we ended up here was he felt like I wasnt fully commited and wanted to know I was. I spose, part of what he was thinking about.
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'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
You have to stop putting all of the blame on yourself. Anxious and depressed people tend to do that. Like I said before, and I know lots of men in relationships, and a man will not let you get away all because of you pressuring him for an answer, if he really loved you. Let him go and stop running that tape about "if I had only given him time to think", because I don't think that mattered to him anyway. I believe he was going to say no anyway and he used your pressurng him as an excuse to do it.
You don't have to answer me, just ask yourself: Did you sleep with him on that wonderful weekend?
You don't have to answer me, just ask yourself: Did you sleep with him on that wonderful weekend?
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squish_is_me
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:41 pm
yes...Originally posted by deedee00:
You don't have to answer me, just ask yourself: Did you sleep with him on that wonderful weekend?
..we also watched movies and went out to dinner and went out with my friends and drank and snuggled.. it was almost like we were us again..
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'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
Squish,
OH my God can I totally relate to this. I just went through a similar situation about a week ago. There was this man that I was completely in love with and things were going so well for us and we enjoyed every minute we had together, but we both have children and that means other obligations. So we couldn't be together as often as I wanted and I got freaky about it. Demanding that he spend more time with me knowing full well that he couldn't. He tried to tell me that I was pushing him away and I just kept pushing. My mind became totally fixed on making this work and in the end I actually pushed him away. I was obsessing about it. I am seriously convinced that all of that negative energy I was putting out there came back and bit me in the rear tenfold. What I'm saying is that what we resist persists. If I had just gone along with his request then things would have probably have been different. But I didn't because people with anxiety have a hard time letting things go. We feel we have to be in control all of the time. If he wasn't with me then I would start obsessing about what he was doing. So the fears that I was creating in my mind actually manifested themselves in my life and I lost the one thing I was afraid of losing most. Weird but what we put out there comes back to us. So my advice to you is to take this for what it is, an experience. Learn from the experience and move forward. You are ok, I know you are hurting, but you will be ok. Get control of the thoughts you have going through your mind (I'm sure most of them are negative right now anyway) and turn them around. So you made a mistake, we all do. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person. It means you are human and vulnerable and were dare I say it AFRAID? I acutally texted my ex and apologized for reacting like a spoiled child because that's what the anger tape recommended and guess what--he responded in a positive way. WHen you respond positively to other people usually they respond the same way. If they don't then you don't really want them in your life anyway. I know it's hard, I still think about him all the time, but I stop myself and try to stay busy doing something productive. This too shall pass and when you (and me) get your anxiety under control you will be a fabulous girlfriend to someone. No negative thoughts I mean it. If you need to talk to someone just pm me. Stay strong!
Julie
OH my God can I totally relate to this. I just went through a similar situation about a week ago. There was this man that I was completely in love with and things were going so well for us and we enjoyed every minute we had together, but we both have children and that means other obligations. So we couldn't be together as often as I wanted and I got freaky about it. Demanding that he spend more time with me knowing full well that he couldn't. He tried to tell me that I was pushing him away and I just kept pushing. My mind became totally fixed on making this work and in the end I actually pushed him away. I was obsessing about it. I am seriously convinced that all of that negative energy I was putting out there came back and bit me in the rear tenfold. What I'm saying is that what we resist persists. If I had just gone along with his request then things would have probably have been different. But I didn't because people with anxiety have a hard time letting things go. We feel we have to be in control all of the time. If he wasn't with me then I would start obsessing about what he was doing. So the fears that I was creating in my mind actually manifested themselves in my life and I lost the one thing I was afraid of losing most. Weird but what we put out there comes back to us. So my advice to you is to take this for what it is, an experience. Learn from the experience and move forward. You are ok, I know you are hurting, but you will be ok. Get control of the thoughts you have going through your mind (I'm sure most of them are negative right now anyway) and turn them around. So you made a mistake, we all do. That doesn't mean you're a horrible person. It means you are human and vulnerable and were dare I say it AFRAID? I acutally texted my ex and apologized for reacting like a spoiled child because that's what the anger tape recommended and guess what--he responded in a positive way. WHen you respond positively to other people usually they respond the same way. If they don't then you don't really want them in your life anyway. I know it's hard, I still think about him all the time, but I stop myself and try to stay busy doing something productive. This too shall pass and when you (and me) get your anxiety under control you will be a fabulous girlfriend to someone. No negative thoughts I mean it. If you need to talk to someone just pm me. Stay strong!
Julie
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squish_is_me
- Posts: 18
- Joined: Thu Jun 22, 2006 10:41 pm
last night I went to my mothers and cried and talked and tried my bester to verbalize my obsession over all this. And to understand WHY i do this to myself.
At the end of the night, before I went to sleep, I texted keith and said i was very sorry for behaving the way I have been and that I do love him and wish I coulda given that one thing he asked for. He didnt even respond. I thought some time today he might. No. It only reassured me this is so final. And I pushed it past the edge.
I knew my actions were messing everything up, but I couldnt help myself. It seriously does make me feel like Im defective.
As much as I dont want anyone else to feel how I do, I must say misery loves company, and its good to know someone else understands how it feels to be trapped by your own feelings that you know are putting a strangle hold on things.
In all honesty, I wonder, what if one day, I do meet some new wonderful guy, and I completely drive him away?
At the end of the night, before I went to sleep, I texted keith and said i was very sorry for behaving the way I have been and that I do love him and wish I coulda given that one thing he asked for. He didnt even respond. I thought some time today he might. No. It only reassured me this is so final. And I pushed it past the edge.
I knew my actions were messing everything up, but I couldnt help myself. It seriously does make me feel like Im defective.
As much as I dont want anyone else to feel how I do, I must say misery loves company, and its good to know someone else understands how it feels to be trapped by your own feelings that you know are putting a strangle hold on things.
In all honesty, I wonder, what if one day, I do meet some new wonderful guy, and I completely drive him away?
----------------------------------
'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
'Butterflies = to fluctuate' I explain
Wondering how she will interpret this:
As fate unkind or rising like a sea?'
"Have a vision not clouded by fear. "
I know it sucks! But believe me when I tell you it gets better with time. The program helps. You have to fight the urge to text him. He needs his space now more than ever. Give him time to miss you. In the mean time stay busy. Surround yourself with positive people and think positive thoughts. You are not defective. You expected things to turn out differently than they did. And when they didn't turn out the way you wanted them to you reacted normally--by feeling let down. Now you are just obsessing over the result. That's what we do, it's how our minds work. Give it time and let the program work. It does help believe me. I can't tell you how many times I've cried about this. But it will get better. And when the next Mr. Wonderful comes along you will go into it without all the expectations and who know where it will end...