Fearful Self-image

solboard · Post by **solboard** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 1:45 am

Just wondering if anyone's anxiety here is partly or largely based on the fear of the past or their self image or concept.

For me, my negative self-image that I developed as a child and adolescent with anxiety is very anxiety producing and has many times put me into a panic. My self image is based off feeling awkward, inadequate and strange about who I am. I thought that I was the only one with anxiety and that perhaps I was a flaw in nature because I couldn't explain the anxiety as a child.

It always starts with the way I look. I perceive myself as a strange, anxiety ridden, ugly person who has unattractive physical features. Then, I feel a little spacey and out of myself (which makes it worse). This then spawns negative thoughts and fuels the vicious thought circle. I built my entire childhood and adolescent life off this fearful self concept. For years, I was afraid to look at my own reflection because I would be reminded of those thoughts.

This a big road block for me. I cannot advance because of this. I can't quite pinpoint the solution to idea that "I'm the only one." It feels too strange to examine it. I'm always met with the defense mechanisms that I developed to perpetuate it. I can only get so far. I know that it's just a conjuration of my anxious childhood mind. But it continues to come back.

I'm not sure how to proceed. Before lesson 12, I was feeling quite good about myself and that feeling of being an anomaly in the world was obviously a big fear that I created. Now, some significant stressful things have happened or are going on, and I'm going back to this strange and scary thought.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 6:36 am

Hi,

For answers to some of your questions locate "kforpeace" on these forums. Positive thoughts, affirmations and hard work will change your self concept. You have hit a trying time right now and some of your "old" ideas are bombarding you. Go back to the beginning of your program - change the negative thoughts to positive. Not easy....but worth it. My prayers go out to you.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 8:19 am

Yeah, I've been casually reviewing the program again. I want to do it as if I had just started again. That way I can let some old material sink in that I might not have picked up before.

The funny thing is, I haven't even gotten through lesson 12 yet. I started it and have been listening to it off/on for a week. I've been slacking in my journal and relaxation tape.

I can feel my old self concept 'sneaking in' and getting my over-analytical mind upset over it. I'm constantly asking myself why I am feeling this way again and what is the root cause etc.

Thanks

rapidrabbit11 · Post by **rapidrabbit11** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 9:41 am

You are absolutely entirely welcome....and when I trip or fall I hope you will be there for me. That's what this is all about.

PS: Maybe its a good idea to review Session 3 and 4 and then continue on at Session 12. I don't know if its good to stop completely and go back. Review it again, and you make the decision. I think we are in an on-going program where every once in a while we need to brush up on certain aspects. What do you think?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Mar 16, 2008 3:53 pm

I will just finish the program before starting it over.

Yes, I agree entirely. Because of our over-analytical and creative nature, reviewing old material is excellent to reinforce new behavior.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 1:30 am

Dear SOLBOARD:

You are so on the right track, trust me. Go through the program again - follow it through @ YOUR PACE as THEY INSTRUCT. Don't worry about what you did yesterday/last week/last month, etc - RIGHT HERE & RIGHT NOW cause this is what you have - the wonderful opportunity for a NEW BEGINNING. You have the Program.

I am recovered fr Anxiety Disorder. A lge part of MY ANXIETY DISORDER was due in lge part - to the trauma's I had experienced in childhood/teenage yrs & what I was told & what I witnessed & experienced. Unbeknownst to me, prior to anxiety disorder triggering in me(Apr 2005) my emotions were 1 co-mingled mess. There was no separation, for all intense purposes, b/w the child I once was(emotionally speaking) & the woman I am. I had so many surpressed pains/fears/emotions & beliefs(things I was told & events that happened that I perceived was MY FAULT)that I WAS LIVING THOSE THINGS - It was almost like A STATE OF BEING = AN EXISTENCE. I assumed, prior to anxiety disorder triggering, THIS IS ME=WHO I AM & THIS IS MY LIFE. I didn't know better or different.

Majority of my anxiety, as previously mentioned, was directly related to things I had experienced in the past & the transference of the things & unresolved emotions to TODAY - never having had the chance or ability to heal or resolve them(prior to it triggering & subsequent therapy). I obviously didn't know this & sure didn't realize this, lol. While my anxiety disorder was quoted as being one of the worst cases(per my reg dr & psychiatrist), I didn't experience majority of the symptoms & fears many did. Thats not to say it wasn't bad, oh yeah it was, lol - its just that my anxiety disorder & any respective fears & symptoms were <span class="ev_code_RED">things I didn't let myself feel then & were feeling now + fearing THOSE EVENTS were going to continually happen to me in ADULTHOOD = PTSD.</span>

I went thru therapy b/4 I was even ready for the program. This afforded me to separate the child I once was to the adult I was. Having faced & felt all surpressed emotions fr the past, I was able to face myself IN THE NOW AS THE WOMAN I AM = personal ACCOUNTABILITY & RESPONSIBILITY. It was not about BLAME - blame belonged to NO ONE. I basically WANTED TO FEEL BETTER. Because I truly - madly - deeply WANTED TO FEEL BETTER - that became the CATAPULT for the next part of my journey: I was willing to do whatever it took. I started the program in Nov-2006 & completed it the 1st time around in Mar-2007. Sure it was hard(CHANGE) - no harder(less honestly in the large scheme of things) than MY ANXIETY DISORDER @ ITS WORST. I took things 1 day @ a time. Little by little, change was happening. I am human - when it was tough & I needed a little support or love, I reached out: to hubby/extended family - here @ StressCenter.com, etc - REMEMBER, NO MAN/WOMAN IS AN ISLAND ALONE. Every single step of the way, when I got tired + angry + frustrated + worn out + feeling a little hopeless - <span class="ev_code_RED">I remembered the beginning, how bad it was - how bad I felt & the EXISTENCE I WAS LIVING. Then, I compared all those things TO HOW I WAS FEELING NOW - the progress I was experiencing. Sure, 1 of my traits was impatience. Recognizing this - I learned to look on THE BRIGHTER SIDE OF LIFE - change was happening & I was feeling better.</span>

Make YOU a priority. Anxiety disorder will try to create a series of lies or an existence that it wants you to believe - anxiety disorder is based on FALSEHOODS - don't believe them. Make DOING THIS PROGRAM a priority - yep, we all have lots going on in our lives - responsibilities if you will. There are always going to be THESE THINGS GOING ON - so, how about YOU PUTTING YOU FIRST? You are WORTH IT - I am telling you YOU ARE WORTH IT. Grab that level of DETERMINATION I know exists in you - YEP, I KNOW ITS THERE - YOU HAVE IT

Take that determination & work this program 1 day @ a time - make it a daily part of your schedule & life. I don't mean to sound contrite or condescending - but - WANT RECOVERY FR ANXIETY DISORDER like you've never wanted anything - let that DESIRE TO FEEL BETTER be the shield against the lies anxiety disorder tells you. You will have great support here @ StressCenter.com - however, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN. Just know, you are not alone.

LENORE

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 2:55 am

Thank you, Lenore, for your words. I really needed it this morning. I woke up with that dread that I used to have about a year ago. It was familiar, but not welcome to feel like that.

Sundays are the worst for me since I basically stay home and ruminate on my self! Mondays through Saturdays I'm not too focused on my anxiety, but when Sunday comes, I begin to obsess. Because I don't usually go out with a friend on Sunday, and I just stay at home, that's when I really get obsessive. Last night was bad. All I could think about was the 'model' that I developed as a child. It is the fear of myself, my looks, my existence and my thoughts. When I go into that state of mind, I feel spacey and not in myself. I begin to worry about having a panic attack based on those thoughts--which has happened before, and I'll tell you, it was the scariest panic attacks I've ever had.

I'll finish the program first since I only have 13, 14, and 15 left, then I will start over.

Thank you guys for the support, I think we all need a little help sometimes and we mustn't be afraid to ask for it!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Mar 17, 2008 3:49 am

That is a wonderful post from Lenore! Our best wishes are with you solboard! Like Lenore says take one step at a time (even a baby step works!). Keep us up to date on how you are doing.