Peace never comes
I bought the program in Aug 07 and after three attempts, I am now on session 12. I do feel that I've learned alot of new tools but every night at bed time I am anxious and dreading the next morning. Every morning I am anxious when I wake and dread having to get up and face another day. During the day I am always feeling like whatever it is I am doing, I should be doing something more. I am never peaceful. I do feel that I've grown a little, but, I want some peace....when does it come?
We all end up here because of suffering. Some more so than others, but suffering none the less. When I started the program last summer I did not expect I’d be forever relieved from pain as that would be unrealistic. When I did complete the program last autumn my first few weeks out included several occasions where I had to send myself right back to specific sessions for repair work. I don’t see this program as a cure. I see it as a box of tools and skills, each of which I can use to keep myself on the right track. There are no quick fixes for all the reasons we end up working the program. As a therapist, I already know I could spend years “in therapy” to simply obtain the same tools and skills I have acquired here. Or, I could take medication; and again as a therapist, I know that when I stopped taking medication all the same problems would still be alive and disruptive and living inside me.
I wish you so much courage because I know you struggle with additional suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). But I also wish you strength and hope you will not ever give up. Even in the face of a diagnosis such as this, there is so much you can do to improve your life. None of these things arrives easily. We have to continue modifying our old behaviors into new more workable behaviors. That is a given, and it is what we must do for the rest of our lives so we can be better off than when we began the program.
I’ve had my share of set backs when the same old bad thinking which got me here returns. Hooray for these skills. I get out a journal and jot down the most offensive thoughts. I challenge them. I ask myself what makes sense about the thoughts. I ask myself if the thoughts are rational or true. And then I rewrite them. Wow. Powerful. Instead of saving up a library of negativity in my mind which I will have to struggle with later in life, I am challenging the new negatives when they arise. I am turning them around. And I am saving up a library of positive moments and positive memories. Even if I had a terminal illness, such as widely metastasized cancer, I would not stop doing this. I would use these skills right up to the last day. I would not give up on myself.
Don’t give up on yourself. You are a valuable worthwhile person. You deserve to feel better. But the only person who can help you with that is you. Again, I wish you courage. I believe in you. I hope you can continue to believe in yourself. A final idea for you in addition to your finishing this program: find a formal meditation group where you live. A medical university should have something like this, usually called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). They will teach you how to meditate, which is the best way to learn to live in the moment, in the present moment.
I wish you so much courage because I know you struggle with additional suffering from ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). But I also wish you strength and hope you will not ever give up. Even in the face of a diagnosis such as this, there is so much you can do to improve your life. None of these things arrives easily. We have to continue modifying our old behaviors into new more workable behaviors. That is a given, and it is what we must do for the rest of our lives so we can be better off than when we began the program.
I’ve had my share of set backs when the same old bad thinking which got me here returns. Hooray for these skills. I get out a journal and jot down the most offensive thoughts. I challenge them. I ask myself what makes sense about the thoughts. I ask myself if the thoughts are rational or true. And then I rewrite them. Wow. Powerful. Instead of saving up a library of negativity in my mind which I will have to struggle with later in life, I am challenging the new negatives when they arise. I am turning them around. And I am saving up a library of positive moments and positive memories. Even if I had a terminal illness, such as widely metastasized cancer, I would not stop doing this. I would use these skills right up to the last day. I would not give up on myself.
Don’t give up on yourself. You are a valuable worthwhile person. You deserve to feel better. But the only person who can help you with that is you. Again, I wish you courage. I believe in you. I hope you can continue to believe in yourself. A final idea for you in addition to your finishing this program: find a formal meditation group where you live. A medical university should have something like this, usually called Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR). They will teach you how to meditate, which is the best way to learn to live in the moment, in the present moment.