Trouble communicating with the inlaws...can anyone relate?

iluvpugs · Post by **iluvpugs** » Mon May 25, 2009 2:47 pm

I've completed up to session 10 in the program and am proud to say that I've gotten most of my anxiety under control lately. I just still can't seem to gain a sense of confidence and assertiveness with my in-laws. I feel like when I'm dealing with them I practically fall apart to the point where I want to cry. They are wonderful and very generous people who have helped us out substaintially but I feel like their expectations are outrageous. We're constantly being sat down and "lectured" by them whenever there's the tiniest bump in the road. For example, we'll see them at least once a week for a month strait, then if we get busy and don't see them for a week or two it turns into a lecture about how they "never" get to see their grandchild. We really do try, but I feel like we're always doing something wrong. After all, they are the ones who vacation constantly and are gone quite often. That is just one of many things. I can't stand it and it's very anxiety producing. Does anyone have any advice for keeping it together in these "delicate" family situations. When I'm around them I still feel like I need to be perfect in every way. And they always question me and the way I do things and it makes me often question myself.

Arwen · Post by **Arwen** » Mon May 25, 2009 3:06 pm

Sounds like you really need to set some boundaries with these people - they are treating you like children, not like adults. And if you are receiving gifts from them (money?), it may be tricky to establish those boundaries...

You probably have to make sure that your spouse is really onboard with this, that you are completely united and want exactly the same, and that you are both comfortable with the way to go about it.

It is something I would spend a lot of time thinking about and discussing, because if the wrong thing is said in the wrong way, there could be a rift in the family... and those can be painful.

I really think the first step is to not accept any money from them except for when gifts are expected (Christmas, birthdays, etc.) Money is such a powerful factor in relationships and it carries so much leverage, even if they give with the best intentions.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon May 25, 2009 3:23 pm

Ilovpugs:
You have probably received good advice from the previous poster.

My opinion is that you need to nip this intrusion into your life as soon as you can. They have no right to question you.

But you probably should do it carefully as was said to avoid rift in your own little family.
But you still must do it.
There is absolutely no excuse for in-laws to pressure you at all.

You and your husband must make your own decisions and your own rules.

And it probably is a very good idea to stop accepting gifts from them.
I won't offer any specific advice. Just know that the longer you put up with this the harder it will be to break them from interfering.
They have no right to sit you down for a lecture on anything. How rude can they get????!!!!!
Keep your chin up.
Be firm.
Bless you.
MJ

iluvpugs · Post by **iluvpugs** » Tue May 26, 2009 12:51 am

Thanks for the advice, and you guys kinda figured out that it does in fact have alot to do with money. They have been fortunate and have been able to help us with starting our own business and with buying our home. Though I am greatful, it kills me. I feel like I owe them so much, and though it may not be intentional on their part, they do use it against us. My husband actually has always kind of distanced himself from his family a bit because it's like he is a different breed all together. We are very much on the same page, it just bothers me more because I'm a very sensitive person. I can't just let things that have to do with them roll off me back. Instead I will obsess over and over. I have no idea how I'm gonna set up boundaries. I just need to maybe sit down and come up with a firm yet compassionate plan of action.