Dear Diary

[tina martin]

Dear R, Dear J. No concern. Your lives are very busy, I know. Mine is changing too as DH is retiring. Mercy. Yes, the fires are horrific with no relief from weather for the entire week.

You know, R, when I was trying to deal with my mother I remember the doctor saying to me repeatedly, "You will not be able to deal with this on your own." Also had conflicts with brother. These memories haunt me regularly.

Thinking of you. As you know, I stay till the lights go out.

[Loveslife]

June 27 7:51PM EST

Dear Diary,
I thought it would be a nice touch to add the date and time, even if this sight does add the date, if I was writing in a paper journal, I would be adding the date, time and year. Also, the place.

First, I'm so, so sorry, diary for being away for so long, but you and my friends Tina and R are never far from my thoughts. Ever. Truly. Also, welcome to any new comers that may stumble across these words. I hope diary, that they too will contribute, as where else to write our inner most feelings?

I've been thinking about Tina in particularly, as her state is seemingly burning to the ground with no relief in sight. My FB friend Danny, ( a rocket scientist, literally) from HS, lives in Colorado and both of his homes were spared, although he had many, many friends who lost their homes. So, I've been worried about our Tina, Diary.

Ok, So much to say diary, and I hope I don't bore you, even though you are just black and white words typed into a box on a screen in a box...

Here goes--B. has been through detox and turned herself into the authorities. She had her day in court and was sentenced to 90 days. Her father has promised to admit her to rehab (we'll see-I HOPE SO) upon her release. A huge relief for me and one of the reasons I haven't been talking to you diary. I was just consumed with fear. I didn't know if she was dead or alive.

Yes, R. is correct Diary. I am the proud grandmother of a beautiful baby boy called James. J's labor was easy, breast feeding has been natural for her and he is an easy baby. He is already sleeping through the night and he is just one month old. I will be meeting him next month when she comes down for a week or two. There has been some drama in the marriage and J's husband has been cheating and staying out all night. Drama is not the right word. Let's say, drama between me and him.

Diary, I've learned how to stand up for myself!! By standing up for my daughter, I found I can certainly hold my own and stand up for myself. Wow!!! I've become a force to be reckoned with. Long story for another day, diary, but you and I know it's about time.

We have moved to a much nicer place with two master suites and we are all settled in. Diary, I am swimming 50 laps a day before work, toning and sculpting my biceps and triceps and working full time.

Diary, I've never, ever, ever been happier. So, again, I'm bankrupt, foreclosed on my condo, and I've never been happier. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT DIARY!! Wow.

Ok. I received an end of season bonus of $1000.00, am responsible for all merchandizing at the store, receiving inventory, pricing inventory (I'm getting very savvy with pricing, and know where the bigger markups should be, etc) opening the store, closing the store and selling. Huge. Also diary, we are going to market in August, the three of us, to choose the entire inventory for next season in apparel and shoes. Also, Wendy is considering branching out and opening another shop in a nearby town. Cool.

Diary, I email Marilyn regularly and guess what??? She is coming to visit with her sister in February. She already has her reservations and her hotel is just across the street from our shop. I can't wait!!

Diary, I'm worried about our R. I really am. I've learned that it's true that exercise is great for the mind as well as the body and it's the best advise I can offer. Tina tried to tell me this for years, but do you know, Diary?? When you are seriously depressed it is almost impossible to exercise. The key for me all along was to take baby steps out of my depression. One step led to another and another and another and with each step I discovered what I was capable of, gained confidence and low and behold, I'm happy. But, I had to start by taking baby steps.

I owe so much to Dr. K. Yes, our time was short in therapy due to an overly insecure husband, but without him (and my friends here, and Marilyn) I never would have even tried.

I have much more to accomplish, diary, but I've learned that life is a journey and we just never know where it will take us. Do I have true love in my marriage? No. Is that ok for now? Yes. I love myself, finally. I mean, I glow with happiness.

Dr. K. once promised me that he would bring my 'plane in for a safe landing' and I felt for a long time that he didn't. But do you know, diary? He did. He gave me something. He gave me courage. That's what he gave me. Courage to believe in myself. I will forever and ever be grateful and in debt to him for that. I would most likely be dead if I hadn't somehow been led down the yellow brick road to his metaphorical door. So, where ever you are, Dr. K., Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Or rather, Diary, please thank Dr. K. for me if you ever get the chance.

T., I love you and always will.

Am I leaving something out?

To be continued.....

XOXO
Love,
J.

[Loveslife]

This song is for Tina, who will be there "until the lights go out."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xweqsdRpG9Y

[tina martin]

Thank you, J, for taking the time to share so much. Your life story would eclipse "Lean In" which I have not read but don't need to. Know enough. Your life is so much more of a triumph. Thank you for Adele. She can belt it out.

These days I mostly listen to Lifescape CD's available only at Target for some reason. They are the background to daily meditation.

Always knew B will come through. That belief never wavered. Am not so surprised at J's H. Too many people have two L words confused. One is Love and the other is Lust. My guess is he loves her and their darling baby. The other will pass like bad weather. Anyway, you have a darling grand-baby. Dr. K remains a joy. He sees the vast pitfalls of technology as I read him at FOX.

J, you are miraculous in all you accomplish. Alway love your posts. Stay well and happy.

R, keeping everything positive is a key effort during meditation. It can be done with a steady brainwashing, ha ha. I attend to it every day and the brain forgets all else. So we march on.

[SoWhatif]

What a great day to be involved in. Hello ladies. Got to go and will return later.
A bright and shining carnation for both of ya, T and J.

R

[SoWhatif]

Well it is time flying by. I wish I was better with words as I seem blessed with a gift of getting to the point usually lacking a sufficient amount of diplomacy. this causes me much sorrow because for some reason I care.
Not much info for the diary to understand it may seem, but the diary is a powerfull thing.

I am still investing a lot of time in enabling Mom to stay in her home. currently blessed with some local caregiver girls and she is for the most part happy and safe in the moment.

Hope your hi and dry Mrs T.
J , hope all is steady for you as well.

Back to paddling the hours in a time of amazing insecurity. Be safe and later ladies and diary.

R

[tina martin]

R, this State is a disaster, I can't bear to watch the news. Mercifully we were not affected.

You are lucky to be hanging in with your mother. I am half out of my mind with my old brain. Notice changes. Everyone in my family lost theirs. With us it is vascular dementia. So I devote most of my time to helping the head. Without the mind I won't go on.

Where is Jamie? Hope she is OK. Best to you.

[Loveslife]

Hi R. and T.!!

R., yes, I do know what you are referring to and I'm so glad you were able to express yourself directly to the person involved. She adores you and was worried that she offended you. She also appreciates how kind you always are. No worries.

T., I have been thinking of you every single day. I feel so guilty that I haven't come here to check in and make sure that you are alright. Your state is in such a ruins that it is mind boggling and horribly sad. Fires, floods and mudslides, oh my. I have a FB friend that lives in your state and he just had minor water damage with the floods and lost one home in the fires. I guess you learn to appreciate what matters, that's for sure. (((((((((((LOVE))))))))) I'm so grateful and relieved that you are safe.
Your mind seems strong to me but I do understand your worry. I actually see memory loss almost every day with some of our customers. Remember, I live in a resort community in Florida so I do see it and I actually had a meeting with our sales staff with the message that it is never OK to take advantage of a person's memory loss and if we see a customer buying the same thing that they bought yesterday, for instance, please alert me and I will come out and discreetly handle it. Some of our customers come in with their 'aids' and try to buy things when their aid isn't watching, which is usually always, (the aids are worthless) and this too I keep an eye out for. Many of the shops in our area don't care about this, but I do, as we are as valuable as our integrity.

So, an update....

B. is out of prison and is back in her parole program in the Bronx, in a horrible area, but it is what it is. She is going to have to find the faith and strength to continue with her parole and stay clean. If and when she completes her program, she can live with her father, either in NJ or FL, as he has homes in both states. He will give her a job with his company. So, she has been given another chance, she's been thrown a lifeline and I pray that she will take it.

Julie and her baby boy have come and visited and OM Gosh, what a joy they are to behold. The baby is the sweetest grandchild in the world. Their whole family is coming back in December for a week, and I can't wait.

I have recently returned from a week long buying trip to Atlanta with the owner, another manager and myself. We had a ball, but it was hard work. We bought apparel, jewelry, handbags and shoes, shoes, and more shoes for an entire year. Now, we are staggering the shipments and preparing to re-merchandize the store. Right now we are coming off of a huge September sale to blow out all of our old inventory to make room for the new inventory.

I received a huge raise in at the beginning of the month, as the owner is in school 4 days a week and not able to be there, so I'm taking on most of her responsibilities. I'm receiving the inventory, ORDERING the inventory, training the staff, attending the monthly OBA meetings and of course, working with customers. I love every minute of it. I have to run in a few minutes because I'm meeting a handyman at the shop to fix and change a few things, so when our new merchandize arrives and our snowbirds return, our store will look fresh.

Also, the owner is setting up IRA's for me and A. (the other manager-A. is the manager of marketing, in charge of all of our advertising) and will be setting up profit sharing for the two of us. She is planning on growing the business, so it's all very exciting!!

Again, I'm so sorry I've been absent, but not to worry, all is very well with me.

(((((((((((LOVE))))))))))
J.
XOXO

PS
T., I found you on FB and sent you a friend request. I haven't heard back, so you must not have seen it.
I hope all is well with you. Please update us?

[LTTb4this]

Hi T, R, and J:

I am new to this site, and not quite sure how it works, but glad the three of you have been able to stay in touch here. As I've said in personal messages, I won't be posting much here, since I can barely keep up with email, Facebook, and personal contacts in my close (non internet) surroundings.

But thanks to all for reaching out and not giving up on me. You are good people! I am in touch with one other person from our previous site -- A. who was kicked off, I think, before J. joined. She has suffered so much and works at a horrible factory where she is not treated well at all. I just try to be there for her and to let her know that someone cares. So many have deserted her, because she doesn't know (never learned from her abusive parents) how to relate to people. But she too has a good heart, loves her animals, and reaches out to neighbors when they are in need. I also occasionally hear on Facebook from Pt (er). I'd LOVE to know what happened to Sc ch She wrote me on Facebook, but by the time I wrote back, she had closed her account. I hope she is okay.

Anyhow, good to know I can be in touch with you folks now and then, and glad that we are all on the same page of putting caring as a higher priority than political differences.

Be well, everyone! Love,

M.

[tina martin]

Can't believe we are here together. Have been fantasizing about that time at LTT. It is wonderful to have you here, M. Realize everyone is busy, actually I am too practicing all aspects of CBT, mental and physical. Am also very grateful for this site and all it has taught me. Always thank you for it, R.

J, you found me on FB? Heck, I can't find myself there. Truly, I must be the only creature in the world who can't work FB. But, in reality, I have little interest in it. J, you are the most spectacular person I ever met. So I just know that Brooke will pull through. She has endured so, so much. Enough. Can just imagine how you adore your little grannies.

There are no grannies for me but I can enjoy others. See them on my walks. They are so adorable. Respect son's and daughter's decisions in this regard. Now here is the sea change: The Old Boy has recently retired. So now for the first time in 52 years we can explore if we are suited to one another, ha ha. In addition to Home Exec. I am now Retiree Exec., Recreation Exec., Shrink Exec., Physical Trainer Exec., Philosophy Exec., etc. A new chapter. Not sure I'm up to it but I need him healthy and well. Hope you are well and happy, love.........t