Dear Diary

[tina martin]

J, such music to my ears. I remember when scoochie first said it and I was taken aback. Later on Marilyn listed Maslow's hierarchy of needs and love is in there up the ladder of needs. I doubt many of us (my generation) ever got past the lower, elementary needs. I had to be obedient, try and get by unnoticed, ask for nothing, need nothing, be dutiful and responsible. Did I do any better with my two? I ask them, but can't get answers.

Thank you, J, for always being loving throughout the years even amidst terrible problems for you. You never gave up and neither did I. Just be calm, collected, and confident for work interview. They are the lucky ones to get you. XO, XO.....T

[LyndaLu]

J, it sounds like you are on your way to success ! You have accomplished so much.
Thank you for thinking about me.

I have not been working on the program recently and I have not read any books recently either.
I must get back on track soon.

I HAVE been attending church for the past eight weeks. Until today the time I spent at church,
bible study and "brunch" every Sunday had just been mildly passing by. But today I got to talk
to a very nice older woman named Lois. Lois asked me questions about ME without making me
feel violated and without being imposing. After spending the past eight weeks just listening to
others talk, I finally was able to talk a little bit about myself. I answered her quiet questions
as honestly as I could and I felt good about my answers. I have not talked to anyone for such a
long time I really did not know if I could have a conversation like that ever again with another
human being. So, today I thanked God for bringing Lois into my life and for letting her share a little
bit of herself with me and for letting me share a little bit of myself with her. I almost got
lazy this morning and was not even going to attend church at all. I am glad I attended and all went well.

My Social Security Disability hearing is in September 2012 and I am very nervous about THAT.
I have an advocate / attorney that is helping me out and they will be there with me to
represent me. The hearing is with a judge and it will be recorded. I had to watch a
Pre-Hearing Prep DVD today and that made me more nervous ! I just want this whole
Social Security Disability thing to be over. I don't know how long it takes for the government
to make a decision on a case once the hearing is over. I have some physical problems and
some mental health issues.

I have not really been looking for work recently. I have sort of given up on it. I have not
worked for over three years. I am tired all of the time. I hurt physically every day, I have not
slept well in years and I am emotionally drained. There is just too much to think about . . .
I worry about being homeless every single day and it COULD become a reality. I have used
up my severance pay, my retirement fund and my unemployment insurance benefits. I have no
money coming in except what my sister is graciously giving to me. I have not had health
insurance since earlier this year and that is very stressful too. I cannot follow up with any doctors
regarding any of my conditions and I cannot afford to refill my much needed prescriptions.
I cannot even afford to see my dentist. It is hard to believe that just a few years ago I was
a very independent and very hardworking person. Since then I have had a lot of physical
problems with my body and a lot of issues with my mental health. Who knew this could all
happen to me. I certainly would never had seen this in the future just a few years ago.
My world HAS changed greatly.

Weather is hot here in Arizona and it is 111 degrees every single day. Whew !
I grew up in Minnesota, so I guess I have experienced the extreme cold and now the extreme heat.
Wishing everyone a great summer. Hoping for happiness for each and very one of you.
Lynda Lu

[tina martin]

Lynda, I am so sorry for your situation. Things happen, people get into difficulties, and society/government needs to help them. There by the grace of......whatever......goes any one of us for any number of reasons. If I had to earn my keep now I know I could not do it. Then there are so many people who want and can work, but can't find work.

We can try our best to try and support each other here. Thank you sharing yourself with us.

[Loveslife]

Hi All,
I am proud to announce that I GOT THE JOB!!!

I have full benefits, dental, vision, 401K, Life insurance and will be the new Front Desk Attendant at the 4 star boutique hotel one block from my house.

I start full time next week.

Love,
J.
XOXO
PS
Lynda, stay strong. Two years ago I felt exactly like you. Just start by putting one foot in front of the other. I started with volunteer work at my local hospital and it turns out that was the best decision I have ever made!!

[tina martin]

Congratulation, congratulations, congratulations. So, so happy for you. You are so deserving of everything good.

How I have loved knowing you.........T

[LyndaLu]

J

I am so proud of you ! What a wonderful way to start your new life !

Lynda

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,

Ok. Sigh...I've been to the beach and had a long, lovely swim. It's the 4th of July so I drove to the park where all of the festivities will be held tonight and posted a few pix on Facebook.

I'm very uneasy diary. I'm very scared.

I've had a few days of work so far, two days off and back to my full time schedule tomorrow.

I don't know if I can do this job. I mean, I know I can do the job, the job is easy. The manager like's me a lot and so does Evelyn, the director of HR.

I just don't know if I can do this job. I came home crying and crying the other night.

It's the standing. I have to stand for 8 hours at a time with only a 30 minute break. I got used to this at Williams and Sonoma when I worked there this past Christmas season but this is different. I can't explain it.

Shooting pains throughout my whole back. It's still in pain so i'm resting it now. Plus, John just sits home and waits for me to come home. Today he told me again he was obsessed with me. (When we were on the beach) I literally almost vomited.

Instead, I got a migraine headache and asked to go home.

So, I'm doing everything to avoid the real issue. Work..Check. Swim..Check.

I'm not dealing well with the real issue. So, what is the real issue????

Do I like it that he is obsessed with me? Answer: No. unequivocally, no. I absolutely hate that he is obsessed with me.
It scares me and makes me feel....searching...gross.

But I'm too afraid to do anything about it. It's too late to do anything about it.

I have a job. It's destroying my back and I'm afraid I won't be able to complete my job.

I have a new home and I'm happy in my new town.

I feel sorry for my husband and I feel love for him but I'm not in love with him and haven't been in a very long time.

and that is what I will never change. Ever.

it will have to be good enough.

[tina martin]

Keep checking in worried about spam at the site. There have been some bad episodes of it. Can't bear losing the site.

So I see your post. What concerns me the most is the physical demand of the job. There are exercises for the back and the abs that must support the back. You can probably research them. Next, I wonder if there is some way you can get a suitable chair and ask to use it at least periodically. See nothing wrong in this, just reasonable. The issue of John is secondary in my mind. Let that go for now, I'd say. Your job seems paramount. Just my thoughts. Off walking. Happy 4th, dear J.....XO....T

[Loveslife]

Thanks, T.
I'll speak up tomorrow once I find the appropriate language etc.

There is something else that I need to write about. I just have to expunge this. So, PM was finally arrested. Finally.
For T. Fraud.

But I figured it out long before any of this ever happened. I'm not a rocket scientist but I figured out the t. fraud. It wasn't hard to do.

I have also figured out other people's corruption.

Some people you can shine the spot light on and they will look all shiny and pretty and perfect. But I've learned that the spot light can just as easily create an illusion rather then shine the light on the truth.

I don't think I can handle anymore illusions and I can't handle any more secrets that no one else knows or at least that no one else will tell.

I just can't handle anymore secrets. My photos look so happy but if anyone looks close enough my pictures that I'm posting on FB are completely empty.

I feel suicidal again. No worries. I'll figure it out. I J.U.S.T.C.A.N.T.H.A.N.D.L.E.L.I.F.E.

[tina martin]

Think I know who you are referring to. The parents were crooks too.

Who can handle life? Very few. The facades get us by. Kurt Vonnegut: you become what you pretend. Helps. Yes, secrets come back to bite us: the truth will out, as Dr. K always says. Suicide has been with me since a teenager, so always related to it. But we can never, never do that to the people around us. We battle on. Good luck tomorrow. Off to meditate.