Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Paislee,
Those memories would stir up emotion in all of us. Just reading about it, I can feel your pain. I was able to visualize everything you posted about, and I'm so, so glad that your new friend will come over and help you scrap book.

I'm interested in your dream. Can you post more details?
J.

[SoWhatif]

P, I will have dreams that are haunting, I have also found the cause seems for me is when I am seemingly caught helpless in a situation and feel I can't take action. From all the recent awarenesses that have came to you lately it is not a wonder your feeling shall I say "caught in a cage". Try to Prioritze so as not to be pulled from all different ways putting out fires. Again you may want to run it by the helper your seeing. Find the fire starter so to speak. Step out of the picture your in, try and see from a distance, what is the main culprit or agitant?

My dreams are like a thermometer for me. Only realized it when I was able to pinpoint my triggers. When we hold things in or try to push stuff back in the bottle it becomes unmanageable. Factor in tragedy or terror and it can really escalate.
Especally true for us want to be in control folks......
Lighten your load young Lady, I am not saying ignore it I am saying find a fix or solution to move towards that is manageable to attain.
Be aware the closer we get to the roots of the issues the more our subconsious or the dependants attemp to keep it covered or bussiness as usual. Kinda of similar in form to all of J's different fires. Running to put them all out will wear us down and even out if it is not realized.


J your amazing and fearless to boot. I admire your courage and stamina. And "believe it" that you are a wonderful success and also alive with a new spirit. You have a remarkable drive for life while recovering from the gashes that this world has thrown at you. Maybe you and T can start a yogi thread. I like boo boo. I'll hold the picinic basket!
I am without words as to being glad in your success at finding and learning to love the new you.

[tina martin]

Am a complete shutout when it comes to dreams. Don't remember any. Occasionally when I do they tell me nothing. I try very hard not to repress anything, at least not to myself. Paislee, there was a woman at our previous site who also lost a son as you did. I don't know how she did this but I remember reading probably a part of the Memorial. Of course, this is highly personal and individual. Just thought I'd mention it.

It would be heaven to do yoga with everyone. Maybe I can get Tech Director to video the Sun Salutation, put it on YouTube and teach it to you. I have an old VHS of me doing moves outdoors. Didn't even know the Sun Sal at that time. We were out there at the crack of dawn carting all this stuff, flocks of geese, bugs creeping across the lense, lawn mowers or motor cycles going off, all while Mozart was playing his violin and flute concertos and Tech Director was searching for just the right shadows. Mercy. The things we do. You can see Sun Sal on YouTube. Mostly professionals. What's wrong with amateurs? He is warned: NO CLOSE UPS.

[Loveslife]

Rick, Thank you so much for your amazing words of encouragement. As you all know by now, I have been up all night, and the night went very fast with a little help from my friends on a music thread.
In between each song I posted, I had a few calls, etc. No emergencies, I had breakfast with my boss, and now I'm in my nighty, tucked in for some sleep.

Anyway, Rick, YOU are amazing to all of us here. We adore you and your infinite words of wisdom.

Tina, I have tried Yoga at home. I bought a mat, and a dvd and a babar book, but I need a real teacher. I have a wonderful class, and they are holding a clinic next week or so with a famous coach, so I have no excuses. None.

I want to be in a group, and this group will practice on our beach in nicer weather.

Goodnight girls and boys. You are waking up, and I am falling asleep. (time and a half) that's what I keep telling myself.


XO

PS
I'm a pretty good novice dream interpreter, if anyone would like to share. My daughter tells me her dreams almost weekly, wanting interpretation. It's comical. Sort of. Ok. I rambling from no sleep......................................

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks everyone!

R I'm sure these scary dreams are about as you say about J, all the fires that could be burning and I'm trying to put them out.
I was more anxious than usual and don't know if I wrote that I took a wee bit of Xanax to see if that would calm things down. It did help me to sleep the other night and I did will during the day. We had sunshine and I worked in my Memory Garden and then ventured to other areas of my yard. Which is very scary and meaning, lots of work to be done and past memories of my son from a year ago changing things and writing a horrible or sad note to me on Mother's Day.

Its getting so close to when that happened after my vacation away from home. So many things have happened since then good and bad, so many scary things. Tears are coming on...as I feel these feelings I've kept bottled up to keep the peace. I'm really feeling scared right now. I have been doing or pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

I'm feeling the most pressure from my 30 year old daughter, everytime I see her, she makes derogatory remarks. I almost feel like telling her that I just can't be around her for awhile, she is so negative. For instance, she tells me how she got some black curtains put up in her bedroom which caused her to sleep in longer and our business phones were sent to our house, which I picked up a few times since DH's cell phone wasn't ringing. I didn't want him to have to wake up since he worked late at night.

Anyway, I told her about that, and she brings up the curtain thing, and I comment, nicely, "I didn't know you were getting black curtains." ( Seriously, my world does not revolve around this girl's accumulation of household goods or materialism, I work at being polite, but she focuses too much on it instead of working on her inner self)

She replies, "Of course you wouldn't know that." Just as sarcastically or negatively as you can imagine. Same thing with another incident yesterday. I understand that part of this is regression behavior when a teenager has a traumatic experience or something about her personality is stifled into acting like a "wounded child" when she is a young adult.

I know she has had many hurtful experiences, but many are due to her own making. So she can be very rude and offensive to many people as well as very nice to others. I guess more things are happening with her as she is now our bookkeeper and I have to see her or her see me at my lower days, where I don't get dressed.

She has no clue as to what pains it takes for me to function on some days. She's zipping around in her little car going about her errands and gets so excited about shopping or buying things. She is a good little work horse and worries about our "business particulars" so she is under some stress. Anyway, she doesn't know how hard it was for me to get my son's photos scanned and sent on its way.

She complains about everyone in the family, but plays nice when she needs something, they all can see it in her. And will call her on it. Just not DH and I don't say much, just to avoid the confrontation. Anyway, i feel better that I can express this, thanks.

I have another thing that is stressing me for good and bad. I've planned a trip out of town to a Seminar with the woman that helped me with the photos. We will be staying at her childhood home, just her father is living there, her mother has already passed on. So I will lose a lot of control. I won't have my own vehicle, I will be in a stranger's house, although i'll have a room to myself. I will be able to see people I've seen before and meet new people, all women. So it will be a fun time and yet I'm fearful...the Seminar's begin at 8:00AM and I'm not use to being ready for anything at that hour, let alone having to be in a strange home to get ready in.

So I have time to plan carefully my wardrobe, as that will be a main stressor, I'm getting my hair cut and permed, so I won't have to worry about how I look, meaning I will be able to fix my hair easily and not worry about it the whole day long.

I have to plan my days at home so that I can feel confident all will go well while I'm gone. I, of course, worry about my yard and my plants. The weeds that will grow while I'm gone and have no control over. I guess my house that I have no control over, and what things will my family decide to do while I'm gone that I have no control over.

It is always when i'm gone that the family does things with my stuff or makes changes in my house or yard. Frankly, I'm scared! It probably isn't realistic, but I don't have control of my household or family members.

I know this is a classic anxiety symptom feeder! I better post this because I need to go lie down and rest.

I over worked myself in my garden to take advantage of the good weather. I felt great afterwards, didn't feel any anxiety symptoms, just have very sore muscles now. I did focus on letting go and keeping myself calm when I did a survey at what needs to be done on my property. There is still a cut down willow tree with cut down branches that need removal and our irrigation water comes soon! The ditches and earth pond have stuff in them and I can't do it all! I'm WORRIED!

I did call our lawn guy last night, he will come over to discuss lawn cutting or pruning needs. He is from Mexico so we have language barriers sometimes when we discuss what needs to be done. He doesn't do clean up stuff, so I'm thinking of hiring the boy down the street...but that doesn't mean he will get the task done quickly.

My 19 year old son has been working himself to death to get an old truck put back together again to go four wheeling and impress his GF and other friends. So he has been neglectful in helping out with outdoor stuff that I use to be able to rely on him.

I use to be able to do many things, but I feel overwhelmed and I'm so behind on yard work due to the beginning of my panic attacks last year and the medication I was put on to fight them was the wrong idea for me.

Thanks for listening...this is really helping, I guess I will focus on what I can do and hope for the best, just as Lucinda says.

I getting more and more to the point of letting go of stuff...and I was able to let go of some rope lights around my Memory Garden that use to light it. It served its purpose at the time, but I put them in the garbage can, knowing that they don't work anymore. I threw away some of stuff I was hanging on to, such as broken glass pots, which in the past, i would incorporate the broken pot into my garden, like a "shipped wreck" beach theme, or "lost world" garden theme.

I decided that when the time comes, I will find the "decor" or "item" that I want when I'm ready. I need to start getting rid of junk that I had hoped one day would be "garden art" or I would find a useful place for it in my garden. I'm just going to scale my garden back to more manageable pieces. Paislee

[Loveslife]

Dear Paislee,
Thank you so much for sharing your feelings here, and for knowing that this is a safe place for you to post them.

Your daughter...

Let's examine her passive aggressive remarks to you for a minute, and then we can help you to just let go of them..

She is feeling hurt for some reason, and is lashing out. She is most likely feeling as if she is not receiving enough attention from you. She is 30, and an adult.

The next time she comes out with a passive aggressive remark, stop it in its track.

"Daughter, what exactly are you trying to tell me" in a very, very neutral tone. This will point her back to HER OWN actions, and the conversation can become healthier. You might then be given an opportunity to respond that you are sorry that you are not meeting all of her needs, but you have needs of your own that you are finally tending to.

Your trip. I understand completely about the anxiety of being in a stranger's home without a car, etc. I totally understand.

I also know that you will love it when you are there. As for the different time schedule, I think that you will love it and be thankful that you are practicing a new and different routine.

The part to focus on now is how cool it is that you are stepping out of your comfort zone, and attempting to heal and make new friends.

I understand how hard it was for you to scan those pictures, I really, really do. That is why I hope you can redirect your daughter's hostile comments the next time, so that you will have a chance to express to her how YOU are feeling. She is old enough to be told that you have feelings too.

I love that you are thinking ahead about ways to have a low maintenance beauty routine on your trip. It's a great idea.
When you are away, you won't care anymore about what is happening in your home. I promise. You just won't. Your brain will be carving new patterns, and you will be busy in a different life style, sort of.

I'm willing to bet that you will have a let down when you return home, so we can talk about that too, if it happens.

Your garden sounds amazing. I love the idea of cracked pots being utilized in a pathway, for example. I agree. Make it more manageable and you will be less overwhelmed.

Paislee, you are amazing.

Thank you for posting, and I'm really impressed and proud of you.

XO
J.

[Loveslife]

For Paislee, and any one else that might find these words useful. I have been reading this every day....

".........The Four Agreements can be summed up as follows:

(1) Be Impeccable With Your Word. The broad scope of this concept is to avoid sin against yourself by what you think. Sinning against the self takes many forms: such as, putting yourself down, gossiping, or putting anybody else down because you don't agree with what they think. Actions and words need to be consistent as part of being impeccable with yourself. The other side of the coin is the smoky mirror concept. Ruiz makes the point that our perceptions of others are merely reflections of ourselves. Therefore, to put another down or project negative words or energy towards another person, is to lash out at the other person because of our own insecurities.

(2) Don't Take Anything Personally. There is an awful lot of negative energy out there and some of it is directed at us by other people. If you take it personally and take on the poison of another's words, it becomes a very negative agreement you have with yourself. What anybody thinks about you, or says about you, is really about them. Not taking it personally allows you to be in relationship with anyone and not get trapped in their stuff. This agreement can also pertain to things that we take personally that cause us to go into upset.

(3) Don't Make Assumptions. What we think we understand about what someone says, how someone looks at us, what someone means by what they do, etc, may often not reflect reality at all, and more often than not lead us to think badly of ourselves or of others, and reinforce not being impeccable with our word.

(4) Always Do Your Best. Your "best" is a variable thing from moment to moment. "When you do your best, you don't give the Judge the opportunity to find you guilty or to blame you.” You can always say, “I did my best....................."

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks J, your words are most helpful indeed! I like your 4 tips or Agreements! I will have to practice memorizing them daily! Paislee

[tina martin]

This is where Dear Diary shines as does your advice, J. Thank you also for the Agreements. They have application here.

Paislee, I could not find the right words yesterday, still can't really. No-one could ever begin to imagine the pain and sorrow as you try to put a Memorial together. The magnitude of the tragedy in your family's life cannot be grasped by others. I say family because I want to include your daughter. To be sure, your pain is unmatched. But the others don't get off unscathed. The giveaway seems to me to be her black curtains. To me they symbolize her mourning. She was also severely bruised by this tragedy. That is what her behavior says to me.

Now you can totally disregard this and totally disagree and I will not take it personally. You must know how we feel for you, how our hearts go out to you, how we mourn with you in your great sorrow.

[Loveslife]

P., I believe Tina is right re: the curtains. I didn't have enough nerve to say it. She is grieving, but it would be wonderful if you could find a way to open up the lines for communication. That is why I think it is important to simply ask her what she means, etc.
I believe the third agreement is " don't make assumptions".
(((((((( love )))))))
it is one of the agreements, I will have to go and look now.