I should have posted this at 1 am when I was up disgusted with myself. J, I take full responsibility. Saw the word "defeat" and went bonkers. Hear all H talked about and went double bonkers probably confusing here with some of my experiences. Please forgive me.
You'd fit in anywhere because you are intelligent, kind, considerate, sweet, fun, caring, dedicated, hard working, goal oriented. All's well that ends well.
Changes, How do we make them?
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
Gosh, J, I didn't know I was offending you. I don't care if you wear lipgloss or not. I didn't know that having nice things was such a burden to you. Was it a burden to you because you didn't earn them? Or because your father provided the nice things and your aren't happy with him and what he did as far as past employment.
I guess I'm a bit confused on H, because you have used H for the male person in your life. And that person you are not happy with, but this new H you really like and she is kind and good to you, right? And you don't want to mess things up with her.
I believe you are getting stronger...
I guess I'm a bit confused on H, because you have used H for the male person in your life. And that person you are not happy with, but this new H you really like and she is kind and good to you, right? And you don't want to mess things up with her.
I believe you are getting stronger...
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
This is the last post I'm going to make here. I will start my journal on paper again, and write my thoughts to myself.
No one knows my story, really, completely, and I don't know anyone else's story, completely.
I will never defend myself, ever. You or anyone can say anything you like about me, but only I know where I've been, and what I've been through.
Once, when I lived on an island, I was on my way back from the supermarket. I don't remember the month, but I believe it was right before the cold winter set in. It was getting darker earlier and earlier.
I parked my car at a secret certain place, filled with groceries, and got out and locked the car. I took a trail that I knew and walked and walked and walked. I passed the pond and kept walking for miles. Dusk had set in and I kept walking until I came to the ocean. I stood on the beach, all alone in the dusk, and took my watch and wedding rings and had them in the palm of my hand. I was just about to throw them into the water, into the ocean, when a 9 seater turbo prop plane flew very low over right where I was standing. The pilot was speaking to me. I am sure that he thought that I was trying to drown myself. The tide was high and it was deserted and the water was rough. I wasn't thinking clearly, that is true, but I wasn't trying to kill myself. I came so close to throwing my wedding rings and watch into the sea.
Instead, I put my watch back on, and put my rings in my pocket and turned around. By now it was dark. I was terrified as I couldn't see a thing and it was completely deserted all around me. I followed the path a little ways and came upon a small pick up truck with a woman walking her dog near by. I asked if I could have a ride back with her to wear I parked my car.
She was kind and gracious and brought me back to my car. I thanked her and said I would "pay it forward". The next day I was driving into town and came upon an old man hitch hiking right near the islands Marine Home Center. I thought, well now is when I will "pay it forward". I did. I stopped and drove him to exactly where he wanted to go.
Why am I typing this....My watch has been on my wrist for 23 years. It has been with me through the hardest times in my life.
It was with me locked up in one psyche ward, and in another, I was allowed to keep it on my wrist. My watch was with me when my daughter was born, I wore it visiting my other child in a psyche hospital. It was on my wrist when we cremated my father and when we buried him. It has been on my wrist every day for 23 years.
My watch can tell the story of me better then anyone else. It just keeps my time, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
My watch will tell you better then me, Don't Fuck with Me. Yes, it's a rolex, which is always just 4 minutes off. A timex keeps better time, but my watch keeps my history.
Goodbye.
J.
No one knows my story, really, completely, and I don't know anyone else's story, completely.
I will never defend myself, ever. You or anyone can say anything you like about me, but only I know where I've been, and what I've been through.
Once, when I lived on an island, I was on my way back from the supermarket. I don't remember the month, but I believe it was right before the cold winter set in. It was getting darker earlier and earlier.
I parked my car at a secret certain place, filled with groceries, and got out and locked the car. I took a trail that I knew and walked and walked and walked. I passed the pond and kept walking for miles. Dusk had set in and I kept walking until I came to the ocean. I stood on the beach, all alone in the dusk, and took my watch and wedding rings and had them in the palm of my hand. I was just about to throw them into the water, into the ocean, when a 9 seater turbo prop plane flew very low over right where I was standing. The pilot was speaking to me. I am sure that he thought that I was trying to drown myself. The tide was high and it was deserted and the water was rough. I wasn't thinking clearly, that is true, but I wasn't trying to kill myself. I came so close to throwing my wedding rings and watch into the sea.
Instead, I put my watch back on, and put my rings in my pocket and turned around. By now it was dark. I was terrified as I couldn't see a thing and it was completely deserted all around me. I followed the path a little ways and came upon a small pick up truck with a woman walking her dog near by. I asked if I could have a ride back with her to wear I parked my car.
She was kind and gracious and brought me back to my car. I thanked her and said I would "pay it forward". The next day I was driving into town and came upon an old man hitch hiking right near the islands Marine Home Center. I thought, well now is when I will "pay it forward". I did. I stopped and drove him to exactly where he wanted to go.
Why am I typing this....My watch has been on my wrist for 23 years. It has been with me through the hardest times in my life.
It was with me locked up in one psyche ward, and in another, I was allowed to keep it on my wrist. My watch was with me when my daughter was born, I wore it visiting my other child in a psyche hospital. It was on my wrist when we cremated my father and when we buried him. It has been on my wrist every day for 23 years.
My watch can tell the story of me better then anyone else. It just keeps my time, second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.
My watch will tell you better then me, Don't Fuck with Me. Yes, it's a rolex, which is always just 4 minutes off. A timex keeps better time, but my watch keeps my history.
Goodbye.
J.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
J, I posted to you, but I didn't see it. I'm glad that you have your memories with your watch. I don't care what the brand is, you are a special person and I hope you do well. Paislee We all care about you.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
Jamie, I'm so glad you posted. I failed you in my eagerness to caution you vis a vis any supervisor. I am sorry I failed you.
You know, I have special feelings about my watch too, a Nike, to perpetuate the myth about my health. I'd have more to say here, but can't bring myself to do so. We each have our baggage and we try as best we can to help one another. We can only do so to the best of our ability and with the best intentions.
You've come such a long way, Jamie. I have nothing but admiration and love for you.
You know, I have special feelings about my watch too, a Nike, to perpetuate the myth about my health. I'd have more to say here, but can't bring myself to do so. We each have our baggage and we try as best we can to help one another. We can only do so to the best of our ability and with the best intentions.
You've come such a long way, Jamie. I have nothing but admiration and love for you.
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
Please accept my apologies for over reacting yesterday.
Please accept my most sincere apologies, and thank you everyone for having the good sense to let it go. I was reacting like a baby, which I do sometimes.
Paislee, something you said triggered me, but I don't have the time or the will power to go back and re examine what it could have been.
Tina, you did nothing wrong AT ALL. No one did, with the exception of me. I know by now that whatever I post is subject to other's opinions and that's fine.
Have a great day everyone.
Again, I am sorry for being a jerk.
Love,
J.
Please accept my most sincere apologies, and thank you everyone for having the good sense to let it go. I was reacting like a baby, which I do sometimes.
Paislee, something you said triggered me, but I don't have the time or the will power to go back and re examine what it could have been.
Tina, you did nothing wrong AT ALL. No one did, with the exception of me. I know by now that whatever I post is subject to other's opinions and that's fine.
Have a great day everyone.
Again, I am sorry for being a jerk.
Love,
J.
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
We are only vulnerable to pain if we care. J, I am awstruck at the ability you have to share the real you.
I am not easily moved to let the walls down to be available for hurt as it takes that to heal and grow.
I do understand and feel and have felt, when you spoke of the flat feeling. I also have a memorabiia (sp) or articles that hold my cherished memories that I want no one touching as they are somewhat a reality that was and can't be changed.
Distorted or as damageing as they may be it is all I have now.
So there are a few things I have, like J 's watch that can and will set me off if messed with and I will protect them as I would my child.
So as J has said the moto goes, DFWM.
Renewel is many things.
I am not easily moved to let the walls down to be available for hurt as it takes that to heal and grow.
I do understand and feel and have felt, when you spoke of the flat feeling. I also have a memorabiia (sp) or articles that hold my cherished memories that I want no one touching as they are somewhat a reality that was and can't be changed.
Distorted or as damageing as they may be it is all I have now.
So there are a few things I have, like J 's watch that can and will set me off if messed with and I will protect them as I would my child.
So as J has said the moto goes, DFWM.
Renewel is many things.
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
I "reacted" to someone posing the question "does my watch make me feel important?" I've skimmed the responses and can't find it, but I'm pretty sure that is what I reacted to.
23 Years ago my watch was all about the beauty and the so called status it brought me having such a beautiful watch. My father had the same watch, my mother, my brothers, and now I was given that watch. 23 years ago it was a sort of shield. For many years actually. This is painful to admit, but with pain, brings clarity and comfort.
I think my "things" did make me feel important for a very long time.
But this hasn't been the case for a very long time, too. Maybe 5 or 6 years now. For a long time my "things" brought me a certain security.
But then my life turned topsy turvy and I started to understand and learn what mattered in life. For real. I mean, this would be easy to type out and it not be true, but trust me, I am telling the truth.
Now, My watch is a symbol of all I have been through. It holds all of my secrets and wishes and experiences and traumas.
Well, Not all of my traumas, but my adult traumas.
I'm proud to say that now it isn't about the name, (if it was, I would buy a Patek, not a rolex ) it is a symbol of my life.
My watch needs to go in for the standard tuning and cleaning, but it takes 6 months to get your watch back, so I just keep wearing it. It's scratched and I almost through it into the ocean. I came so close, but the small plane brought me to my senses.
Now, I can happily say that I fit in with the girls at work. I stay quiet about my life, but I love hearing about everyone else's life. We all get along and the atmosphere is a healthy one. Great morale and camaraderie. I love my new job and received my first paycheck. We are planning a retirement party for someone, (I don't even know her, but they are including me, which is cool)
Anyway, that's what triggered me. I guess I used to feel important, and had my "things" as a shield. That shield is gone. I wore fake pearls to work today, and loved it.
The make up part I will save for another day, as that triggered me too. I'm too happy to deal with too many triggers, but I am sorry Paislee.
Love,
J.
PS
Tina, you are always perfect in my eyes.
23 Years ago my watch was all about the beauty and the so called status it brought me having such a beautiful watch. My father had the same watch, my mother, my brothers, and now I was given that watch. 23 years ago it was a sort of shield. For many years actually. This is painful to admit, but with pain, brings clarity and comfort.
I think my "things" did make me feel important for a very long time.
But this hasn't been the case for a very long time, too. Maybe 5 or 6 years now. For a long time my "things" brought me a certain security.
But then my life turned topsy turvy and I started to understand and learn what mattered in life. For real. I mean, this would be easy to type out and it not be true, but trust me, I am telling the truth.
Now, My watch is a symbol of all I have been through. It holds all of my secrets and wishes and experiences and traumas.
Well, Not all of my traumas, but my adult traumas.
I'm proud to say that now it isn't about the name, (if it was, I would buy a Patek, not a rolex
) it is a symbol of my life.My watch needs to go in for the standard tuning and cleaning, but it takes 6 months to get your watch back, so I just keep wearing it. It's scratched and I almost through it into the ocean. I came so close, but the small plane brought me to my senses.
Now, I can happily say that I fit in with the girls at work. I stay quiet about my life, but I love hearing about everyone else's life. We all get along and the atmosphere is a healthy one. Great morale and camaraderie. I love my new job and received my first paycheck. We are planning a retirement party for someone, (I don't even know her, but they are including me, which is cool)
Anyway, that's what triggered me. I guess I used to feel important, and had my "things" as a shield. That shield is gone. I wore fake pearls to work today, and loved it.
The make up part I will save for another day, as that triggered me too. I'm too happy to deal with too many triggers, but I am sorry Paislee.
Love,
J.
PS
Tina, you are always perfect in my eyes.
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
PPS
You are always perfect too, in my eyes, Whatif, but you know this.
You are always perfect too, in my eyes, Whatif, but you know this.
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tina martin
- Posts: 792
- Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 9:24 pm
Re: Changes, How do we make them?
Happy you are here, J, and clearly you are doing well at work. Such a tribute to you. Should anything pop up there, just come here and I'll get my sledge hammer out.
In my eyes (even without glasses) the trigger for you, J, to share painful parts of you was, I believe, Paislee. I congratulate her for being attentive and thoughtful and always considerate, gentle, and caring. Paislee is quite the lady we are fortunate to have with us. It takes courage to speak up as she did. And it is good to get all parts out, or so I think.
Now, J, maybe R is perfect, but I sure am not. I'm apt to fall into pitfalls like anyone else. But here is where I am perfect (ha, ha): I am more than willing to be corrected, to listen, to learn, to reconsider,to be openminded and try to improve. Isn't it lovely to be at StressCenter.com? What's for TGIF?
In my eyes (even without glasses) the trigger for you, J, to share painful parts of you was, I believe, Paislee. I congratulate her for being attentive and thoughtful and always considerate, gentle, and caring. Paislee is quite the lady we are fortunate to have with us. It takes courage to speak up as she did. And it is good to get all parts out, or so I think.
Now, J, maybe R is perfect, but I sure am not. I'm apt to fall into pitfalls like anyone else. But here is where I am perfect (ha, ha): I am more than willing to be corrected, to listen, to learn, to reconsider,to be openminded and try to improve. Isn't it lovely to be at StressCenter.com? What's for TGIF?