Dear Diary

[tina martin]

Dear Lynda, my heart aches for you. Your story could be anyone's in the times we live in. The one thing we must do is earn our keep. You've given it your all. Don't despair.

Foolish as this may seem, I try to turn everything around to the good, try to see a silver lining. Maybe you'll find something just as good or better. You may expand your sense of connections and interests as never before. Try and do some research about perhaps groups that assist with job search or have info where and what kind of jobs might be available and even how to apply for them. Life can be a struggle. We have no choices, we must put up a fight to come out on top. You have our warmth, caring, and total support.

[Loveslife]

Dear Lynda Lu,

Welcome. You are not alone in your feelings of despair, as so many of us have experienced these very same feelings.

Your story could be my story to some degree, however I sought help after my hospitalization through talk therapy. I was originally put on a whole cocktail of weird drugs, but with constant therapy, at first twice a week, sometimes three days a week, we were able to see that I was depressed, and didn't need all of the meds.

My point is this; I too thought that I would never recover. I was at the bottom of the bottom and had no hope for a future, no friends, no life and total isolation.

Gradually, very gradually, I was able to slowly build up my self esteem. That alone took about 1 year. And then I was able to Volunteer at my hospital. That built my confidence up tremendously. Then I applied and got a job at the hospital.

One step lead to another and another.

But Lynda, It was so hard at first. If I didn't have my online community at the time, I probably would be dead. The only friends I had were my internet friends, but it was a huge start.

What I'm saying is you won't always feel this way, but you are the one that needs to implement the first few baby steps...

Tina would encourage me to take a walk. I took a walk. Like that.

I'm leading an almost full and almost active life now, and I feel such hope for the future.

If you met me three years ago you would never have believed that I would come so far out of the darkness and into the light.

We are here for you. I really feel for you and want to try to pay forward the help that I received.

Please hang on. You are lovable, valuable and unique.

Keep posting and we will keep reaching out.

XOXOXO

Jamie

[tina martin]

Is that really you, Jamie? You are here? Rick will probably show up soon too. How fantastic. Tell us more if you want to, if you can. Yes, volunteering was your courageous way in, then you took the night shift. How in the world did you ever do that? Did you ever see the movie Night Shift?

I'll hang around until the marbles in the head give out or the site folds which it did for about 2 weeks. But we hang in, some of us return. Lynda, you've come to a good place. So happy to hear from you, Jamie.

[Loveslife]

Hi Tina,
I just wrote out a reply, but my computer gobbled it up.

I think of you every single solitary day, truly, I do.

I'm safe and sound and happy, all things considered. I'm preparing to move and just back from an out of town funeral, so my head is spinning.

I will write a diary entry in the next day or two to update you on my crazy life.

I hope you are well and I hope your brother is too.

Much love always,
XOXO
Jamie

[LyndaLu]

Thank you Jamie and Tina for your support, love and advice.

My only regret is that I did not try to do more to help myself early on after the layoff from my job.
I guess I thought since I was on the severance pay with full insurance benefits for a year, yes a whole
year, that I had nothing to worry about. I did not use that time wisely at all. Then after that, the
retirement money and unemployment benefits supported me during my job search. But I was not
job searching as aggressively or as sincerely as I should have. So, I feel guilty for not trying hard
enough, soon enough, to improve and succeed. I had to hit rock bottom financially and emotionally
before I really started to think to myself that I could really change for the better.

But I can't change the past. This is what the program has taught me so far.
I cannot change the past, but I CAN CHANGE MY PRESENT.

Embarrassingly enough, a family member, my sister, is supporting me financially at this time. I am
lucky to have such a great sister that understands, but that also puts more pressure on me to perform.
It puts more pressure on me to improve myself the best that I can. I started to look for work more
assertively, applying for part time jobs instead of holding out for the "perfect" job. Is there such a
thing as the perfect job? I also started taking some classes at a women's center, a place that empowers
women so that they can succeed in life. Those classes were about job searching, writing resume's and
interview techniques. The center was a great place to start, to really be around women who were in
the "same boat" as I was. I could connect with them and the teachers were great too. I felt like I was
learning something new and meeting some good people. There is another local center that holds
job classes and offers assistance in the job search and I have been to this center also. It doesn't hurt
to get all the free help that you can get. This has been the past 6 weeks for me.

i got a call on Friday afternoon last week, a voice mail. It was about a part time job that I applied for
on-line! I called the number, got voice mail, I left a message. They called me back, left a voice mail.
Finally today I got to talk to a real person instead of a voice mail. I talked to the main office in Salt
Lake and they set up a job interview for me here in Phoenix tomorrow at a local bank! Talk about
being nervous. This is my first job interview since 1984, yes 1984. It is a short 1/2 hour interview
that takes place on March 1st. If I get the job, great. If I don't get the job I at least get the experience
of having the interview and learning what interviews are like in 2012 versus 1984. Wish me luck !

I am currently working on the program for the second time and I am on Session Three. I went through
the program the first time in 2010/2011. I am seeing a psychiatrist and taking medications for
anxiety, depression and mood disorder. At this time I am working on reducing my medications with
hope in the future to stop taking them altogether. If I work on the program and I can get my confidence
back by taking classes, socializing more often, and maybe securing a part time job i think that I could
just do about anything.

Thanks for listening.

Lynda Lu

[tina martin]

Lynda Lu, you are so lucky to have your sister and clearly you are doing everything that can be done. There is recidivism with the program. Never mind. What the program teaches must be kept alive and practiced regularly. So it seems from what I read. I tend to my version of CBT every day. You will get better, a part-time job sounds good, and your attitude is the best. We try to help however we can.

Jamie, don't worry about posting. Do it only when there is time and ease, esp. if you will be moving. Know about moving: did it countless times, cross country too. Happy you are well and always happy to hear from you. My brother has endured a descent beyond my imagination, a slow suicide if you ask me. Today, the 1st, he must transfer to the nursing home part of where he is. I saw it when I was there. Horror. Somehow I distract myself (can no longer speak to him) and promise myself I will not go out that way. This site and the other one help me to stay this side of the divide.

Receive a newsletter from Dr. K which always brings back that precious time. Love always.......T

[LyndaLu]

tina: You are a very caring person. I am sorry to hear about your brother. My grandmother was in a care center
for two years before she died and the conditions in the center were not the best. I could barely bring myself
to go visit her, everyone who resided there was in a wheelchair. I don't know the stories of everyone posting
here, although I have tried to read through the many, many posts that have preceded mine ( 60 pages of posts
are impossible to read through ! ). I would like to know more about CBT and how it really works and everyone
seems to suggest to read this Sam Orbitz book that has changed their life. Can you go through CBT without a
therapist, on your own? I tried psychologists and they did not work out for me. Hope your leap day yesterday
went fine. My sister and niece and 2 great nieces are coming to visit for two days in March, at least that gives
me something to look forward too. The little ones are 4 years old and 7 years old and very energetic. Everyone
needs a little something to look forward to. Love and care to everybody. Lynda Lu

[tina martin]

That's sweet of you to say, thank you, but I'm no different than most people. Of course you can't go back here, you pick up whatever you can now and go forward. I consider the program here to be a form of CBT. It is a reconditioning of the brain. I'd get Sam Obitz' book except I cannot have another book sitting here looking at me hoping to get picked up and read. There are too many. Have Lucinda Bassett's book and then write my own (joking). Sam Obitz does give these TEA forms (Thoughts, Errors, Analysis). I'd add C for Correction. Again, I make up my own to distract and enjoy myself.

You will be so pleased with your little visitors and they will be happy with you. But don't forget about the program.

[Loveslife]

I am busy selling almost everything I own.

It's a strange process deciding what to keep. What matters.

Memories matter. Photos matter, children's drawings and cards matter...

I have boxes and boxes of pretty decorative boxes filled to the brim with my chldren's memorabilia.

I will of course keep those, the crucifix from my father's coffin, my bedroom set and my shabby chic sofa and chair.

3 huge units of storage units from my old life have been sent to a consignment center.

I'm keeping an oil painting of me and my girls.

I move May 15th.

It sounds easy, but it will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I have serious red flags re: my move.

My psychiatrist wants me to be fully aware of my red flags.

My best friend is morbidly obese, doesn't care for herself and smokes pot many many times a day.

Worse, she smoked it while driving me in her car last week, while I was making the funeral arrangements for her father.

Worse. She said she wants to smoke pot with my youngest, Julie. Julie doesn't smoke pot.

I will visit Brooke in Jail next week. She is at the Bedford Women's Prison Facility. I will most likely faint.

I can do it. I can do anything.

I asked for a divorce today. It didn't go well. I'm locked in my room and he left the condo.

Bad times ahead.

I will hold on tight and Pray.

[tina martin]

Jamie, this is all incredibly daunting. May 15 is a way off, so take it a step at a time. No, no, no p-smoking with anyone. I wouldn't even let her drive. The obesity is her issue and how she cares for herself (or doesn't) is her issue too. When you visit Brooke tell her you love her, you forgive her, and then forgive yourself. I know this is easy to say, it's an attempt.

If praying helps you, that's good. I have found no-one listens (sorry) but accept others any which way. Will try and be here for you. Be proud of all you are handling. Love........T