Dear Diary

[Paisleegreen]

R thanks for the great picnic idea! I would love to arrange some rocks! Things are better here this past week. Hubby had a talk w/ me...I've been calming down a bit...working on being less angry...reading CS Lewis writings. Made friends with a woman that has suffered a bit and is helpful to talk to about DS. Finally someone live I can talk to about my issues face to face. She has many bookshelves full of books and pretty much has the same interests as me, but her sons don't pack up her stuff. They don't dare...as she is a Mother of some children that have substance abuse and also children that have experienced the loss of their father.

So we have losses of loved ones and children problems. So she still has her self help books and lends them to me as she feels inspired. So I've kept this relationship rather mysterious to DH and DS, and yet it isn't but it really caused concern for DH as I've since signed off on everything I open...so wandering eyes can't open my email. I didn't realize I wasn't signing completely off.

Anyway, my anxiety level has been going down...my expectations of family members are down. I'm learning from this friend to answer politely, but do as I please. I also work on meeting some of their needs, but the anger is subsiding. My friend doesn't feel I need to write a letter to DS...that would just give him ammunition into what I'm feeling and at this point she feels he doesn't care how I feel.

So I work on my relationship with DH...it isn't totally smooth sailing, but we are talking and enjoying eachother's company. He doesn't like the fact that I preferred to go see a movie with a young friend or go dog walking with her as well and other things alone, like my mountain resort trips. I explained that he couldn't go and didn't want to go or is busy and I am plain anxious to be around him. So we had a good discussion about that...so he felt that maybe I was having an affair...since I've been more secretive. I've only been "hanging on" to my sanity or happiness...fighting depression. I am uncomfortable in my own home, so I'm going to leave it.

It is summertime and I want to enjoy it, soon it will be over. So that has been what is happening with me. Just working on forgiving...or in my son's case, not getting annoyed at things that have been throwing me off kilter. I try not to take offense at something that might not really been made to be offensive. DS just isn't a detail person, just a "get her done" person.

So aesthetics is not his thing, making something work is. Also he is trying to figure out where he fits in...as he is a Geek in so many ways. So instead of learning these social skills at a college dorm or a job away from home, he practices on me and family members. I'm just learning to remain calm and sane, while I develop correct assertiveness skills.

Do you guys think he can read my information? What abilities do I.T. Geeks have regarding the Internet?

Hope all is going well with you J and you T as well as you R. Thanks for your sense of humor. I'm alone for a few days and I'm loving it! I have my house and yard to myself! Yippee! Paislee

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I am falling and falling deeper into the mist of despair. I am swathed in a cloak of thick fog that is heavy and wet and weighs me down. I envision a whirlpool, swirling and swirling and swirling, with no hope of ever exiting the currents that pull me down even further.
Today for the first time in a very long time I found myself holding several bottles of pills with a strong urge to swallow them all. I quickly put them down and came here to my diary to type.
I will take one more pill to make it through this endless day. One more pill to pull me into sleep.
Sleep is my only escape.
J.

[tina martin]

J, this is too too painful for words. Relieved that you can come here. The exit can never, never be because we cannot hurt certain others that way. Think about it myself at times, but know it is NO option, EVER.

So I'm giving you my shoulder, my arms to cry and cry. I've been weepy recently too. It's ok to cry, in my view. Say anything else you want or need to. Glad I checked in, Love............T

[Paisleegreen]

Oh, J, I'm so sorry...hugs...I'm glad you came here as well. Please have a good cry and get some rest dear lady. I ditto Tina and hope that she is doing well with her sorrow as well. Take care...Paislee

[Loveslife]

i can't stop my spiral. i just lie here now and stare at the ceiling or i sleep. i'm off the computer for the most part. i received a message in my inbox from an anti gay activist who told me he hopes i never influence children, he hopes i never go near children. he told me that i am an ugly bitter woman who should never be around children. he's worried that because i am inclusive of everyone, i will turn children gay.
i saved it.
the only way i know how to stop this horrible spiral is to volunteer for GLAAD. other then that, his words telling me that i will harm children if i go near them made me very suicidal. now i know how to block incoming messages, so i won't receive them anymore.
i'm in a very bad place.

[SoWhatif]

J it is perverts like him, they f..k kids over. Twist reality and pronounce their way or the highway, f him and his dimented buddies. I have not a clue what glaad is but if it is dealing with gays stay away from it. This spiral can be stopped by you, it is not of your making and it is not of your mission. The only thing you have ever shared has been and will continue to be positive and truthfull. I wish I could get you out of that f..ked up town and situation your in. Any chance you could go to Florida and set up a restart like yesterday and leave the Dh idiot to figure out his own underware? Then the girls can follow later. When your in a fish bowl of sharks one can't help but get bitten. Was you able to talk to the Dr.? Your going on a picknic with us, so no excuses or delays. I am in and out this wkend but if you need to live in the diary, we will be here.
So tell the freaking a holes snipeing at you to go straight to hell where they belong. Yes do volunteer but at the hospital or for the local VFW or something.
You are a maker NOT a taker.
R

[SoWhatif]

I forgot to say, go out and get a healthy meal and maybe a new book. Stay in the circle and keep the faith the things will stop spinning.

R, xoxo

[CurbsideProphet]

Dear Diary,

I have accepted my condition and come to the realization that I am here because I put myself in this situation. God has blessed me with so many things, a wonderful and supportive family, great friends, and a loving wife. I can wallow in despair but that will not help my condition nor will it help me to become the person that I know I can be. I will continue to think positively and change my outlook on the world. I realize this will take a tremendous amount of work, but anything worth accomplishing in life, always requires hard work. The key is to keep picking yourself up until life grows tired of pushing you down.

"When you are dispirited, held back, beat down and you have no one, you can give up, give in, or you can find those things you need to stand within yourself. If no one else believes in you, then you must believe in yourself. If you can not get the love you need from others, you must make room in your heart and give that love to yourself. You must accept yourself exactly as you are, all your flaws, all your faults, all your dreams." - Jill Pendley

[Loveslife]

Nice Curbside. Very nice, and welcome.

R., thank you so much for your kind words. MY PITY PARTY HAS OFFICIALLY ENDED. I just had a chicken cutlet and showered and talked to my daughter and I feel so much better.

So, when does the picnic start? Curbside, you are welcome to join us in the mountains. I will share what I know from my sailing lessons, but I'm not sure where, in Colorado. I'll bring a book of poetry, and maybe we can read some Mark Twain, or Will Shakespeare. I will leave my Sylvia Plath poetry at home, for sure. Cold fried chicken, tomato and mozzarella and basil salad, gruyere cheese, a sharp cheddar, warm baguettes, and T. can help with the veggie dishes. Paislee, we need some dessert.
Love,
J.

[SoWhatif]