Dear Diary

[Paisleegreen]

HI Bunny, Yep, it is hard to grieve. Many people don't understand until it happens to them, and you don't have to grieve just someone's death, it can be anything. The loss of a sweetheart, a home, a family pet, income, a vehicle. friendship, all sorts of things.

I never understood Empty Nest Syndrome. I always thought, all right it will be nice when my children are gone out of the house.
But I definitely feel a difference...I wanted to have my children and enjoyed raising them. Now that job is done...so what do I do with myself now. I have done some volunteering and now more traveling on my own. But it is hard...as now I see that life is fragile and we don't stay on earth forever...so I have to prepare for a new way of living my life. All with the expectation that I might not be here.

Hugs to you Bunny, grief is an "invisible" pain or injury that noone sees as they can a broken arm or the measles. Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Hi Paislee: I read your son took his own life. How absolutely horrible for you. My best friend who just died had an only son who she called her Shining Light. She adored him and he committed suicide. My friend locked herself in her retirement room for 3 days and cried. She went into the elevator at one point in her grief and a woman said "I know how you feel." Incredible. How did you get through this horrific grief and pain. I am up at 6 a.m. in the morning walking by the lake, watching the sunrise, praying and having breakfast by the water in an isolated spot for 2 hours each morning, coming home and playing the guitar outside before it get really hot out. I went out for lunch with a friend. I try not to talk about my sadness. I try to be positive and strong and be available to listen to others' problems when I am with them. I am transcribing the recording sessions I have made since 2006 or my friend who died, into hard copy. They mean so very much to me. Thank you for sharing. Blessings from Bunny

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Bunny- I like how you are getting up and walking around the lake, watching the sunrise, praying, then eating breakfast by the water in an isolated spot for 2 hours. That's super! That's what I loved about my two mountain excursions by myself. Part of it was lonely, but also cathartic. Because I'm able to do things by myself and I'm learning to do things on my own. Such as taking a bicycle out of my van, going into a bike shop and ask for help, even if I don't look the part or have a fancy bike. It was a new bike but neglected a bit due to life's circumstance.

So that is a moment in time that I can share memories with my late son who was an avid bike rider. We bought him an expensive bike, but he wasn't one to race or anything even though his dentist wanted to sponser him. He just wasn't into that, he just loved to ride and be free, I'm sure it made him feel good.

When my son died I basically stayed in bed, watched whatever was on TV at the time. So mainly reruns in the summer and sports. I knew all the teams that were playing baseball in the World Series, and I really didn't care to watch baseball. I followed football, tennis, basketball, and so forth. I stuffed myself with powdered donuts, until I realized I was self-medicating by pain with sugar! And was gaining weight...it was hard going "cold turkey" from those donuts!

It has been very hard...then my parents followed and sister in laws to breast cancer...and so forth. I subconciously wished the world would stop turning...I wanted time to stop so that I could catch up! My grief and pain kept me from accomplishing goals or spending time with my other children as a productive Mother. Plus I couldn't relate to other Mothers, they couldn't relate to me. They didn't know what to do or say, so I avoided them or visa versa. I was lucky to found a site online for parents of suicide, so that helped. And I would find new Mothers in this undesirable membership of this type of club. We all didn't want to be members, but had no choice.

Later I found the local one in town and took my husband there. He didn't participate in the online group, he just worked a lot. So he has had a chance to tell his story and we listen to others tell their story. There are a lot of good books out there as well.

I did have to up my antidepressant from a sedating type, to one that gives more energy to help me get moving again. That helped a lot, and at the same time, my old Psychiatrist retired and he referred me to the one I see now. He is a kind and gentle man and listens, and doesn't have to dose out wisdom or knowledge. He sacrifices for his patients his own health and well-being. He suffers from terrible back pain and we're not quite sure if he has a disease, he won't say.

Anyway, I think you are doing all the necessary things to work on your grief and putting the music to hard copy is super. We were able to finish a fish pond that my son dug, it still needs some final touches which requires me to contact a business that messed up on it, I just haven't had the "guts" or "energy" to get over to them and call them to fix something. But if they did this simple thing, it would make the pond so much better and would help to finish it completely. I really need to make that a sold goal and do it.

Thanks for you condolences and kind words. They are very helpful today, as I've been weeping a lot lately. Paislee

[manofmusic]

Bunny Rabbit - Good for you getting out for your walk early in the morning. I was never a morning person until recently. I prefer to get out earlier and go to bed earlier. There's nothing good on TV after 9:00 anyway ! LOL It's all panic inducing stuff......

Paislee - I remember reading about your son in earlier posts. I won't even pretend to know what it's like to deal with a suicide. I know what it's like to lose a parent and then have the other parent get sick right after. That's tough enough for me to deal with just that ! I guess that you have to take steps to learn to cope with something like that. It's about eating right, drinking enough water and getting exercise so that your body can deal with that amount of stress. My mom is actually doing ok. I got her one of those Medic Alert buttons just in case. I still worry about her (even though she only lives 2 blocks away from me). I'm taking her to the denturist on Tuesday so she can get a set of dentures that fit better. She's eating mushy foods right now. She said that she can't wait to sink her new teeth in a piece of real meat ! LOL

.........I still worry though.

I had a panic attack at work yesterday. I guess I was thinking about mom for way too long and I started to think the worst and then BOOM the attack hit. It lasted about 20 minutes. After that, I felt really tired. I notice after a panic attack, I get tired......probably from having them for so long that my mind needs a reboot ! LOL

[bunny rabbit]

Thank you Paislee for sharing your journey of grief with me. I had a moan to a grief counselor this morning about the lack of support I feel from family and friends. They want me to laugh and play and I want to dig a hole in the ground and bury myself. The recordings are questions I am asking my friend about loving detachment, the empty nest, boundaries, dying and death even. On one recording I asked her if this were her last night on earth, what would you say to me? I am so glad I have these tapes now she is gone. I have asked my mother to do a "Remember Me" book and also for a recording session. She's handed me back the empty book after having it for 3 years and the recording session she totally controlled and would not let me say anything. I can only ask, I can't demand.

Manomusic, people say my mother will soon die after losing my father. They were married 67 years. My mother is 92. She has a lot of health problems. I have caught myself worrying about her and I force myself to think positive and stop that negative train from running down the track. None of us know how long we are going to live. I could die before she does. I need to live one day at a time, one hour at a time if need be. My mother is a die-hard stoic. She stuffs all her feelings of sadness and anger. What I know about that is, we can only do that for so long. Then we become ill or explode. She wants to get rid of all my dad's things right away. She has pictures of him and my sister who died a few months ago all over the house. I have grief attacks just being in that home. I don't want to go back until I'm much better.

Thanks for all your kind support, Blessings from Bunny

[manofmusic]

Hey Bunny ! I can really relate to your story. My dad passed away March of this year. Mom and dad celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary May of 2010. About a week after dad passed away, mom filled 8 to 10 garbage bags full of dad's clothes, etc etc and put them outside the back door. She told me to bring them to the local charity place that takes used clothes. Mom rearranged the bedroom and made it as she puts it "a woman's home". She kept some things of his to remember him by, but most of it went away. Like your mom, my mom bottles in the emotions. She has a nurse come in twice a week, a home maker comes in twice a week and a physiotherapist comes in once a week. Tonight, she fell. She was in a hurry to use the washroom and her one leg went out from under her and she landed on her butt. She uses a walker. She slid to the phone (she still has a lot of upper body strength) and called me to help her up. I bought her the Medic Alert thing but she knew I was home. I called the nurse and he came over to check her. Other than a sore butt and lower back, she's ok. The nurse told her that if she fell again, she could break a hip and that would be the end of moving around. Mom promised the nurse that she would go really slow now. .....just to be sure, I went to the store to buy her some "adult diapers". That way.....no need to rush. She's 82. Dad was 85.

It's rough sometimes, but I think the way you do. Some close relatives say things like, she'll be dead in less than a year, but I tune those people out. No one but God knows when our time is up. My mom and your mom could live to be 105 ! Just tonight I told mom that if she planned to live to 105, she's got to do it slowly ! LOL No more rushing around.

I came home tonight and had a bit of a panic attack, but I breathed my way thru it and now I'm ok.

Bunny, the whole idea is EXACTLY the way you put it......one day at a time !

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Bunny- So sorry that your Mother didn't fill out that Memory Book for you...that's where my Mother was different, she was quite the letter writer and did write to us kids and wrote some special letters. She also kept a journal of when she met my Dad and we have her "love letter" or poems she wrote. I haven't read those yet, but my sister has them. Part of her story went with her as she was adopted and later found out after she got engaged, even though her real father came to visit the family and a brother. So she never talked much about her child hood at all, she had a twin sister as well that was adopted with her. This was b/c her bio mother died when she was a toddler.

I went through the same thing...when my mother died a year after my son, I wanted to peruse the house, but big sister, the organizer, came for a month long visit and cleared out the house! I did express my feelings about that...but she is task oriented like my father and lived clear cross the U.S. so she was doing all that she could do to help my Dad, which he needed the help as he was diagnosed right away with Lymphoma. So it was hard and then his house sold and he moved out of state and then passed a few months later.

Mano-Same thing, my Dad was trying to finish things up to last moment to make sure the house was in order to sell or "leave behind" which I can relate as I feel that time is slipping away all too quickly. Less energy to finish my tasks and my memory is not as sharp as it use to be, not sure if it is anxiety or aging. LOL!

My parents were together for 63 years and I put together a video of their lives together by picking out a pic from each year. They really loved that, I would like to see the video go on DVD, but I don't think companies do that or do they?

You are a good son, Mano, giving such attentiveness to your Mother...I can see how some Panic Attacks can raise their ugly head. You will need to be sure to take care of yourself as you do your Mother. We talked to my Father in Law about a panic button, but I don't think he would wear it or remember he has it. Ugh...but I've let go of trying to make him more comfortable. It is up to his children and as much as they try to help him, he is stubborn and won't see a Dr, he is ready to move on and see his wife who has preceded him in death several years ago. Paislee

[j33825]

Dear Diary it sunday morning getting started again for another day . I hadent been doing the dvds for a while and need to get back on them , i did start excersing again hadent done that in a long time and have gained weight im not happy with myself at all im grumpy all the time cant seam to get happy again. im 47 and cant get a grip on the mood swings weight gain and overall likeing myself. im thinking the problem is not following thru with the program ill start and stop i dont think thats good and along with that i have a husband that will not support me in anything i do says he loves me but for some reason i DONT TRUST HIM NOR BELEAVE HIM. use to but he did the big nono and lost my respect and trust. so this is my diary like a jounal but this is easier i cant keep a jounal here cause noone will respect my privacy at all. im so tired of it being all bout him and nothing bout me and if something nice happens to me i cant enjoy it cause i figure it not true or wont last or i dont deserve it caue i dident do something good for them first. i so tried of it and i kn that im the only one that can change it so im trying again with the dvds, weight loss etc just wish it would hurry up and i would feel better this mood stuff is for the birds .
thanks for having the dear diary i hope this helps

j33825

[Loveslife]

Dear J33825,
Thank you so much for participating in the "Dear Diary" thread. I understand how you feel, as I felt the same way not to long ago. This is a very safe place to talk about your life and your feelings, and we can help you work things through.
Sometimes, as you can read from all of the above posts, writing and having input is all we need to make it through a very difficult time.
I will write more later, as I'm just home from a morning work shift after 3 back to back midnight shifts, so I'm barely standing.
I am so glad you and all of the others, are here.
Welcome.
Love,
J.

[bunny rabbit]

Thank you for your feedback Mano and Paislee. I appreciate it. I am reminded to keep my journals in a safe place. I have 3 suitcases full now of journalling. Maybe I need to throw some out. I need to get back to the program. I have been reading about grief issues and journalling about the death of all three, my sister, father and chosen mom. They are all mixed up in a huge pile of pain. I got a trigger from pictures I was showing a friend this weekend. It was my father and the decline in his health was so evident. I hadn't seen these pictures. The trigger about my sister started when a staff member at church who phoned me started talking about the wonderful close relationship with her sister. My sister hated me. She was so jealous. When she was dying I had nightmares of years upon years growing up with her. I wrote 2 pages of memories of her and had no happy memories. I had a lifetime to grieve being raised with her. I cried today from a trigger of a stuffed animal that I put up in my bedroom of a squirrel I gave to my adopted mom. She loved squirrels and nature so much. I guess it's just going to take time to resolve all this pain and for it to lessen. I am living in the past and am missing much of the present moment. That's why I want time to stop right now. The leaves are already starting to turn here and I'm not ready for fall. Blessings from Bunny