P&P -
Wow! I'm so impressed that you've set your limits and are sticking to them. That's hard to do, especially with family. It's easy to get sucked into "well, just this one more time."
In my own experience, I've found the best approach to combat the repeated whys is to just say "I'm sorry, but I just can't do that" and nothing else. Repeat it as many times as needed. Eventually the other party gets it that you're not willing to be drawn into an argument. If you start to offer excuses, your just opening the door for more appeals.
Also remember that as we learned in the Program, no one can make us feel guilty. We only feel guilty if we choose to. You know that you are not required to do everything people ask of you. It's your decision to say yes or no. Of course we want to help other people out when we can, but we never want to put ourselves in a position where we are being taken advantage of.
Keep up the great work and be strong!
Jamie
Spoke assertively to my mom!
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Guest
Vick
Your welcome. They are very useful affirmations and alot of them are written by me but there are some that aren't. I am actually hearing alot about this idea that i should publish them and I have made this a goal. I am going to write a book about the experiences of my life and have the affirmations in there.
Searunner is very right about what he says and i just wanted to add for anybody reading this...what good is it to be taken advantage of and harbor the resentment. Resentment ruins any kind of relationship.
P&P you are doing an amazing job.
Mike
Your welcome. They are very useful affirmations and alot of them are written by me but there are some that aren't. I am actually hearing alot about this idea that i should publish them and I have made this a goal. I am going to write a book about the experiences of my life and have the affirmations in there.
Searunner is very right about what he says and i just wanted to add for anybody reading this...what good is it to be taken advantage of and harbor the resentment. Resentment ruins any kind of relationship.
P&P you are doing an amazing job.
Mike
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Guest
Thanks Mike! The list of affirmations about responsibility are great! They certainly apply to me. I feel like I'm seeing the light,hehe I was in the inside of the circle for soooooo long and raised that way that I never questioned it. But it really makes sense to me now. My sister got back to me and said that I was leaving her with the bulk of the work and that I left her in an impossible position. So basically playing the victim. But from the outside, I can perfectly find solutions to her problem as I mentioned before. I think my sister feels this way because SHE still feels like there is NO option. If my parents ask us to do something, she feels like there is no other option but to say yes. And I understand the fear of disappointing your parents or feeling like you're not a good enough daughter. But I know I'm a very loving person and I am there when it matters.
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Guest
Your welcome. The responsibility affirmations actually came directly from a book so i cannot take credit but I do find them helpful as well. I have spent alot of time feeling responsible for other people's responsibilities.
If you can find solutions to the problem then it cannot be impossible. If she says its impossible then get to her elaborate on how its impossible. Then throw those solutions out there.
What exactly is a good enough daughter anyways? My idea of good enough daughter is any daughter. Maybe you aren't good enough for certain expectations your mother has but does that make you not good enough? We aren't our behavior and we all have the same things to be good enough to ammount to anything. We can always learn, grow and improve.
You are not your behavior, Your worth is permanent and you will always be good enough no matter what. You can always improve on things to become better.
Mike
If you can find solutions to the problem then it cannot be impossible. If she says its impossible then get to her elaborate on how its impossible. Then throw those solutions out there.
What exactly is a good enough daughter anyways? My idea of good enough daughter is any daughter. Maybe you aren't good enough for certain expectations your mother has but does that make you not good enough? We aren't our behavior and we all have the same things to be good enough to ammount to anything. We can always learn, grow and improve.
You are not your behavior, Your worth is permanent and you will always be good enough no matter what. You can always improve on things to become better.
Mike
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Guest
So very true!
And you're right, I shouldn't have to "do" anything to be a good daughter. I think we've just never crossed into adulthood. It's like a very child like relationship with my parents. And we come from a divorced family and so I think over the years, we some how adopted this idea that we were responsible for keeping our parents happy. Talk about a burden! And obviously, I know my parents never expected that from us, but I guess there's a lot of guilt attached to a divorce. But that's why now, it's important to break that cycle.
And you're right, I shouldn't have to "do" anything to be a good daughter. I think we've just never crossed into adulthood. It's like a very child like relationship with my parents. And we come from a divorced family and so I think over the years, we some how adopted this idea that we were responsible for keeping our parents happy. Talk about a burden! And obviously, I know my parents never expected that from us, but I guess there's a lot of guilt attached to a divorce. But that's why now, it's important to break that cycle.
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Guest
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Guest
It sure is, Paula!
Mike, I feel like I'm moving very much on the right path, I still struggle with feelings of guilt. I guess that's normal when you have family telling you that you're not doing enough for them, not helping out as much as they want. But the I remember that I'm worth looking after too. I guess NEVER thinking that way, it's tough to make that change. But it is getting easier I've noticed and I'm not AS affected by what others say because I know in the end, I'll be doing them a favor too. And you're right, it's a huge burden to feel like the happiness of others rests on your shoulders. And I know without a doubt my parents would NOT want me feelings this way. This is an idea I've adopted on my own over the years, but it can still be broken.
Mike, I feel like I'm moving very much on the right path, I still struggle with feelings of guilt. I guess that's normal when you have family telling you that you're not doing enough for them, not helping out as much as they want. But the I remember that I'm worth looking after too. I guess NEVER thinking that way, it's tough to make that change. But it is getting easier I've noticed and I'm not AS affected by what others say because I know in the end, I'll be doing them a favor too. And you're right, it's a huge burden to feel like the happiness of others rests on your shoulders. And I know without a doubt my parents would NOT want me feelings this way. This is an idea I've adopted on my own over the years, but it can still be broken.
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Guest
Ya that is normal for the first while. I have felt that way too but about the other people in my life as my family is not apart of my life. I would feel that I was responsible for the depressed people and I felt like i had to impress authority figures. Its a tough change but very doable. Keep up the good work!
Mike
Mike
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Guest
Hello,
I had a girlfriend whose mother was pretty much the same way. In 1998, we had a little girl and because she was a bi-racial child, the mother didn't feel as if it shouldn't of happened. The girlfriend's mother started to suggest that if she continued to raise the baby with me then, she would no longer be in the picture. In addition we all sat down one day (the girlfriend, mother, father, and I) and they proceeded to talk to me as if i was the culprit in getting the girlfriend (then) pregnant. It was as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it when we both talked and planned on having a child together. Well, I was called everything but a "child of God" and that I was going to suffer for the sins I had committed. So I know that the girlfriend was extremely upset because she didn't know how to be "assertive" and let her mother know how she felt. Ten years later, I guess the girlfiends mother got what she wanted. She (mother) found a way to make sure I didn't see my child. I haven't seen my daughter in almost 9 years. This is something that I struggle with everyday of my life.
I had a girlfriend whose mother was pretty much the same way. In 1998, we had a little girl and because she was a bi-racial child, the mother didn't feel as if it shouldn't of happened. The girlfriend's mother started to suggest that if she continued to raise the baby with me then, she would no longer be in the picture. In addition we all sat down one day (the girlfriend, mother, father, and I) and they proceeded to talk to me as if i was the culprit in getting the girlfriend (then) pregnant. It was as if she had absolutely nothing to do with it when we both talked and planned on having a child together. Well, I was called everything but a "child of God" and that I was going to suffer for the sins I had committed. So I know that the girlfriend was extremely upset because she didn't know how to be "assertive" and let her mother know how she felt. Ten years later, I guess the girlfiends mother got what she wanted. She (mother) found a way to make sure I didn't see my child. I haven't seen my daughter in almost 9 years. This is something that I struggle with everyday of my life.