Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Dear Tina and R,
I've held off posting this, until I was sure she was ok, and until Marilyn gave me the green light. I want you to know that she is fine now, but did have a very real and recent bout with cancer. She had a full hysterectomy and the doctors were able to contain and remove all of her cancer. She is now 100 percent cancer free, but has a big recovery ahead of her.

She is very busy and gets tired easily, and mentioned that it is difficult for her to correspond at this time. She said she has her hands full between me and a gal named Amy, who was also encouraged to leave the site of LTT (to put it mildly) as she still keeps in touch via email with both of us.

If it weren't for Marilyn, I might have committed suicide, that's the shape I was in when I left that site. She maintained contact with me almost daily, and saw me through the whole mess. I am going to cut and paste something she specifically would like me to relay to Tina, as I think she has such a wonderful way with words. Marilyn loves and misses you both.

Here is the cut and paste from her email to me...

"....... I also hope that you will convey to Tina my great admiration for her ability to see your potential so early and to be such a visionary and loyal friend to you throughout all your struggles. She suffered so in her disappointment with the site, because of what was revealed about it in its treatment of you. But the greatest credit definitely goes to YOU for never giving up under the most trying and discouraging of a great number of circumstances. In my opinion, you were the MOST truthful of all of us on the site -- willing to admit all of your foibles, no matter how embarrassing, because you were so dedicated to working on your issues and improving your circumstances. You are truly impressive in what you have achieved and how you still continue to learn and grow.........."

As you can see, Marilyn saved me when I was truly drowning.

I hope you are both well, as I'm exhausted after working another midnight shift.

Love,
J.

[tina martin]

I am dumbstruck. If it was ca of the uterus and had not spread she is home free. Please tell her I am so sorry to hear of this, but know her strength and optimism will see her through. We give her our strength, friendship, and love. She was indeed so valiant when you left. I only wanted you back at the site. That was the way to triumph (in my eyes) over whatever had happened. They were wrong, not you. LTT was a chapter in my life that is a part of my DNA. I still think back to it so often and seem to remember so much.

And you, J, have been spectacular in all you've accomplished. I think back to what you were like when you first appeared. The transformation is all to your credit. Never, ever lose sight of it.

Love to you and Marilyn........T

[Paisleegreen]

That is good news, Mano! Yippee! I do have to laugh when your mother commented that now she has to cook again.

J, that is good news about your friend, Marilyn. Thanks for sharing that. I wish I could have been a part of LTT, but then I guess they must have not treated you well in the end. Sounds like Tina was a real trooper and fought for you and you are a real strong woman yourself for continuing forward!

Yes, the condo sounds like it will be enjoyable, I'm wrestling with the realization that my sons, usually my 3 youngest won't be there as they have been in the past. It has been at least 10 years or less. My son has been gone for 8 years, so I would have to check photos to recall if we have been there just before he died. So I plan on making new memories there, and realize that things will not be the same.

But all in all if I am by myself, I will have fun no matter what. I will have peace and be able to do all the things I love doing. It was sharing that fun with my children that made it more fun, but they are adults now and have their own adventures. So if they show up that will be great, even for a day or a more. Otherwise, there will be less mess for me to clean up and I will be free to do whatsoever I want. Now I just need to pin it down with DH. He seems preoccupied when I want a definite date. I'm not sure if this is costing money or the offer is free. There is a maintenance fee, but I'm not sure if we are offered this condo without having to pay any fees.

My brother in law has been very grateful for the help we have been giving him, so I'm not sure what's up. Because I could call him up myself to get the correct dates and other info. So I'll wait to see when DH isn't so busy. He is very exhausted since we have lots of work to do and have less employees. Well, I better post this. Paislee

[tina martin]

Paislee, you would have had many friends at LTT and learned a lot from Dr. Keith, as we did.

J, you need not answer this, of course, but I felt one person especially was at the root of the trouble and I wanted that truth to be known. Was I just imagining this? She seemed to recognize my thoughts about her, started to PM me accusing me of suspicions and came forth with denials. Again, no need for you to say anything, J.

[manofmusic]

I'm sorry to interupt, but I need to vent one more time. I got back from the hospital to see mom. NOW, no one knows what's going on with mom. She's getting rid of the excess fluid, but they checked her lungs today and now there's some fluid in them. They don't know where the fluid's coming from. I feel more and more confused everytime I leave the hospital. She gets all of the test results tomorrow. I feel like I'm about to crack. With my dad passing away March 30th and now this, all I want to do is pull the covers over my head and pretend that everything is fine. I really hope that mom will be ok, but every so often, my mind goes places I don't want it to.

I'm actually admitting that I'm scared. I'm nervous and scared.

[Loveslife]

Tina, Yes, one person who I wanted so much to like me, just wanted me gone. (I felt)
Oddly, her nickname, or screen name, from To Kill a Mockingbird, was the same name as my beloved cat. So that should give you a hint of whom I am referring to.
She never liked me there and I would have given my right arm to understand why.
Now I know (from The Four Agreements) that it doesn't have any thing to do with us when other people are mean or what have you. It is something coming from within themselves, that they are projecting onto us.
I also felt disliked by Rich and that whole gang.
I was always so grateful for your support.
Also, I did talk to Dr. K in the end, and he said he would try to get me back on if I wanted to get back on the site, but ultimately I declined, as I felt too hurt and fragile.
That's when Marilyn stepped in, phoned me and we started our lovely email friendship.
Our R. has been a huge support to me as well.
And, of course, my beloved Tina.

Mano and Paislee, I will respond to you both tomorrow.

Hugs to all and to all a goodnight.

[Loveslife]

PS to Mano,
It's ok to be scared. It's healthy to acknowledge your fears. Your mother is in good hands and I'm glad the doctor's were able to keep her one more day and try to learn why the fluid is building up.
I see many patients in our hospital dealing with this same thing, when I'm at work.
Everything will be alright.

[manofmusic]

Thank you, Loveslife.

I know that everything will be alright. It doesn't help that I'm dealing with an insensitive sibling as well. I hope and pray every night for mom. I'm doing all I can.

Thanks again for the positive words.

[tina martin]

Mano, please don't take me wrong, but your mom is old and while she surely is in good hands, nature marches on. Things are out of your hands. Even as you want and hope for the best, consider what may come along. If I remember correctly your father even helped you. It is what I would want to do for my son and daughter.

J, thank you for answering. Incredible how she tried to make me doubt myself. Did not work. Even now it kills me that I did not intervene, not being "in the loop." I am reminded now how I used to refer to all of them as The Alliance. I always sensed what you wanted and would watch, hoping for the best. Had my hopes pinned on a kind hearted go-between; but she, I believe, was too much bound to the other. Good Grief, J, I feel like Sherlock but sure have none of his talents. And still I was shattered when it all suddenly closed. R came to the rescue, thank goodness. You solved a puzzle for me and for that I thank you.

Am so proud of all you have accomplished. A big embrace for you, Love...........T

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mano, so sorry to hear about your Mother. I thought she was getting better. Sometimes when one spouse departs, the other one follows. But not always, so just keep that in mind. I can understand why you would want to go back to bed and stay under the covers, I say, "Go for it!" I have to do that and that's good way to feel comforted and get some thinking done. I have my best talks to my self and prayers while under the covers, where there is nothing to distract me and my thoughts.

I've had the frustration of my siblings while my parents went through their illnesses, since I was the one my parents chose to live close by after their retirement and eventual sell of their house in another state. Not sure if it was a complimnet they chose my family to be near out of 7 siblings or other reasons. So I know it is hard to see your mother at the stage she is in and feel a bit helpless. I hope all goes well for you. Paislee