Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

Hi ladies, Spring took awhile to get here is everyone trying catch up ?
J are you behaving? I,am sure your holding your ownself hostage, remember to keep your faith and love in yourself.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi T, R, and J! I know, T, I do too much, I have too many interests and expectations. I guess I'm following the elusive ideal life or dream that I will be "happy" if this is done. Ugh. I have a big yard and I garden most of it. Eventually, I will have to cut back just turn everything into grass. I'm realizing my limitations.

But part of what I do is geared around the weather and other summer plans. I plan on enjoying the water park this summer with my Grandchildren, so I want to get my plants replanted in certain areas so that they don't die off. It is hard to explain as our watering system is done by way of our irrigation pond and I'm dependent on my 20 year old DS to get the pump started and plumbing done. Many things are dependent on his actions or labor, so things would be easier if he would focus on some of the yard chores and this would ease my mind.

It is just harder...I'm getting older and just can't do what I use to without an aching body. So I'm adjusting to the new limitations.

I did have a great time at the reunion and I drove both ways with no problems at all. I also went bike riding with my sis in law, I only got on my bike last year to test it. That was it. So it was great fun to ride from my sis in Law's house to the river bike path. I used her bike and found the seat to be a bit higher than I prefer and it only affected me at the end of the ride when I was just too tired to go up a steep short incline. I tried to jump off, but the wheel turned and I was already losing momentum, and fell on my knee, elbow, and hand. So my worst fear was realized. So that was good to know that I could handle a bike, ride a good distance and had a great time!

I plan on visiting my SisinLaw again and stay at her place and ride bikes. There are more bike trails to discover! Yippee!

My FIL was not doing well, he could get around and is still getting away with driving, but not as much. The sis in law that came with me took care of his toe and finger nails. They really needed attention and I'm sure he has been in pain about it.
But he is too stubborn to see a Dr and/or the "children" living close or faraway just don't have the strength to deal with him.

They seem to feel the need to let him be and not bother taking him to see a Dr. So I guess their consensus is to let him be, allow him to have a stroke and go from there. Or let him fall down the stairs and crack his head open or what other type of head injury and pass in the night.

They just are not seeing the ramifications of allowing him to still drive, I know most of them have the "knowledge" that he shouldn't and have voiced it to him. But to actually change the keys to the car or disable it the two living there aren't ready to do. Whether it is fear or inconvenience of them having to take him places. Which one solved already, by asking a cousin to pick him up for his weekly volunteer service. So one weekly drive for FIL is taken care of, now the one to church needs to be settled.

So I had a great time....and enjoyed my hotel room, the pool, the jacuzzi and other amenities and beautiful views at the disapproval of DH and my Dr sort of made a fuss over it. Well, the Dr made it seem like I was a terrible person because I wanted to pick my own hotel room, not DH. I wanted the control...and had every right to be assertive about it. It didn't cost that much more for the enjoyment I and my DD got out of it. DH was invited several times to come over or use it, but he was too tired. That is what happens when he mixes work with family activities, plus he was pouting.

But we are friends now... He knows I'm good with his family and relatives. I'm a very good socializer and connect with his family very well. While he is the quiet and passive type. So all went well.

So R that's where I've been. I played catch up yesterday on the garden and house, plus rest. Paislee

How is everyone else doing? T how is your brother, R how are your polliwogs, and J how is work?

[tina martin]

Welcome back, Paislee. You sure do well away from home. I'm just the opposite. It is interesting to note these differences. Some days I can separate from brother, other days I want to die with him. I psychoanalyze him up and down most days. My preference for home goes back to childhood where home was snatched away so early and remained elusive. This at least explains things, easier to bear.

Hope all continue to go well for you.

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks, Tina. I am better away from home because I'm with people that enjoy my company and we are actively doing things that are fun or enjoyable. My home right now, does not feel like home to me. It is a lonely place.

I'm glad you feel better at home, as one should be. I'm sorry about your brother, I know it is hard to see someone we love slip away. I met a man who came from Germany via Russia I think, and was able to escape Germany when Hitler took over. I think he came to the U.S. with 600,000 other German/Russians, not sure of the whole story as I only see him occasionally once a week, if at all. I don't know all your story, is it on StressCenter.com somewhere? P.

[tina martin]

I actually believe lonely comes from within, not necessarily from a place or with or without people. It can also be calmed and helped from within, or so I think.

That's a big number of survivors. No, I never posted my story anywhere. It comes out in bits and pieces here and there.

Have a good night, Paislee.

[Paisleegreen]

Tina, yes, loneliness can sometimes be helped by something within. I don't believe though, that we are meant to be alone. We must go through our own trials in life to cause us to set ourselves apart from the busyness of life to gain perspective, but we are here to interact with others and to show and give love as well as receive it. P.

[tina martin]

Hi Paislee, we may not be meant to be alone but I believe we must first be able to be alone, to be with ourself, to like ourself, to like our own company. This is part of what I feel I learned on self-help sites (took years). This notion of being "here to interact with others" can have a reverse effect such as we are nothing unless we are with others. I don't know where this comes from.

It is a conditioning I did not really have. In the US I was struck by the need to socialize, to be popular, to be with others in this activity or that activity. Being content with oneself is not promoted, as far as I could tell. Why that is so is something I never understood.

[Paisleegreen]

I guess that is where we have to decide at what age is being alone is a good thing. Or to clarify what "being alone" means. I enjoy being alone, it is being with people you love in the same room and feeling alone is what is sad. One can be alone and still have people all around or be content being by yourself. And even content when you aren't engaging with anyone that is in the room with you.

It is the longing to be interacting and being ignored that is painful. Or the interaction is painful that you don't want to be with that person. That is my pain right now, I have good days and then a set back. Just yesterday, DS 20 was talking to DH in another room, I heard the door close and DS told DH something about when I take my stuff downstairs to be sorted, that he is going to invite his young adult friends over for movie night and have them go through my stuff so that I will be embarrassed.

I felt pretty alone when I heard that, as I thought things were settling down, I guess I was wrong. I kept this to myself and went to my volunteer job. Then later came home and DH noticed I was more quiet and not as happy as I usually am after I have been gone.

I told him what I heard and he just mentioned that we are having a "war" with space. I was pretty deflated as I had heard him talk about this issue a few weeks ago to not make a fuss. It is more DH isn't standing up for me very well. I just find that this son to be very disrespectful and DH doesn't say that to him. He told me he told him that we can discuss this at the therapist office and I asked him, When this was going to happen/

As noone has made an appointment and the Therapist said he was going to meet with DS alone. DH didn't hear that.

So Yeah, it is pretty lonely around here. P.

[tina martin]

Paislee, this is a cause that has been there all along (if I am correct). I would not rely on DH or therapist or anyone else. I would make a date with son, go out to eat and appeal to his inner barometer of what is right. It is my belief we each naturally have such knowledge and guides. You want to connect with him. He knows right from wrong. If he has complaints against you, ask him to share them, listen to him.

This is only what is in my mind. It may not suit the situation, I realize.

[Loveslife]

Hi all. I'm sending you all my love from sunny Florida. I'm visiting with my best friend Claudia. (all by myself)
I'll be home on Wednesday.
R, I love, love love hearing from you. Happy Father's Day.
Love,
J.
PS
Coco is much better. Stitches are out and tumors are almost gone thanks to prednisone. A benign condition.