Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

With using a letter it eliminates static noise from the intent of the communications. The will enable you and cut short their resistance. I am using a phone, that's why my thoughts are choppy. Ask you Dr. About overt ways you can reinforce your dh self esteem. That is alot of why he stays all work and no play. Good luck. I say this coming from 28yrs self employed. Kinda the been there done that and his and your story is painfully familiar. It is hard to see the trees thru the fog when we are in it.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi R, thanks for your advice. I have been thinking about a letter, and also a project list for the whole family that is involved with our business and the house the widow is living in. She is becoming a little more work than we thought. She hasn't done anything for herself yet. Very frustrating. So I wrote someone familiar with suicides and asked how long or incapacitated should i expect this widow to be? As after my son's death, I had to still function and take my son to school, go to my Aunt's funeral, go to family reunions, then take write my mother's obituary and help plan her funeral and then took care of my sick father for 3 months and cleared out his huge house to get it ready to sell.

So like you said before R, I think I'm going to have to be more assertive with her, as her stuff is in our shop and cargo trailer still. She hasn't come over to look at any of her things so that we can sell it. So this does add to the stress we are having in general with the whole family and our business as the house she is living in is our business office.

Now back to the list...this would include the different things that need to get done and is open for all family members so that we can see it and address it at a family meeting. This would include my eldest son and daughter who also works in our business.
Then we can all be on the same page and brainstorm. Because they all have a hand in the business, it is their lively hood and future lively hood. So they all need to get along and figure things out in a peaceful manner.

I thought of writing my son, but I'm scared of the ramifications. I could write a thoughtful one, of course, and explain in writing my reasoning for why I do the things I do or why I want things a certain way. I guess for example: I don't want dirt on my new carpet because I'm older now and my muscles ache more. So to have to use the Rug DR to clean my carpets would wear me out and keep me from doing other things I feel more important and enjoyable in my life right now.

What do you think of that idea? P

[Paisleegreen]

R, and others, the Dr is helping me with DH. It would be so much easier if DS wasn't living with us and causing me to feel so much anxiety. It is more the Judgment or Opinions of DS that is affecting me. Plus my GAD makes me not feel good...so I'm more sensitive to comments. We're working on that...so b/c of anxiety I don't sleep well, and I feel my productivity is not the same as it use to be. Just a vicious circle.

I do have to report that I made reservations for a hotel stay while at the family reunion. DH was notably upset that I've chosen to stay in a hotel, but not surprised. He would first tell me that he was fine with me planning the reservation, etc. on my own or that I didn't want any surprises with Priceline. I wanted a hotel with a pool and jacuzzi and 2 queen beds. It took courage to let him know that up front and then he told me that I can still go to Priceline and get a hotel with the discounted listed price.

So I did that at his suggestion, but while I was doing so he came in to tell me that the airlines does that also. So in a way, that was throwing a wrench into the works because he started to list a price of a room. Well, that told me I didn't have a say in what I could get by telling me how low the price was. Anyway, I just plugged along as he suggested and I studied the hotels, prices, amenities available that I felt were important and read the reviews.

So I picked a famous hotel chain with a fairly new hotel near a river. The rates were reasonable compared to the others near it. But this one I called to be sure the Queenbeds were the regular size, not the new smaller size they fake you with at some hotels these days. (Meaning, they are putting in double beds instead of queens, and saying they are Queens, not!)

The room is $13.00 more than rooms that have one King size bed, but since I might be sharing the room with DH or DD or Sis in Law, I wanted to be sure I got the room with the Queen beds. So I found out with my phone call that the river view room with Queen beds were booked and cost more than the one over looking the parking lot. Also it cost more than the Priceline's price.

So I knew from doing my homework that Priceline had a room with 2 Queens and was by the River. This room has a balcony overlooking the river. I knew I would enjoy this room, of course, who wouldn't, but I didn't necessarily need to have it. But Priceline had only one room available at the discounted price, with the Queen beds and by the river! The rest were King size beds.

So I booked it! Knowing that the hotel receptionist said they were booked. My DD tells me that they reserve rooms for Priceline. That is what I was counting on, so it is paid for and documented! Yippee! So if DH changes his mind about staying at his Dad's and stays with me he can. I'm a happy camper and he can be as well if he wants to be!

Otherwise, DD will share the room with me or Dear Sis in law we are taking over with us will. I'm not letting D sis in law know anything, since I've talked to DD about the hotel and she will stay with me, but if we want to get rid of her... I'm sure that can be arranged! DH will be at his Dad's house earlier for work. So I will be driving my vehicle over and bringing my DD and DSisinLaw.

Now what makes this kinda neat is the practice it gave me for anxiety. I was getting a bit anxious making these decisions. Duh... As I knew the price was going to be higher, but the amenities I felt was worth it! I will be a happy camper, so can others, plus, my husband has already put out money to fly his sister out as he has in the past b/c she is a widow and no spare change. Second he has spent money to help my DD's friend out with her rent as she has a crummy family and is ready to move out of state to live with DD. Third, I haven't been on any dates, etc. with DH and haven't been on any vacations.

So what if I choose to treat myself and another person to a nice place for a few bucks more and enjoy myself! I definitely deserve to have some enjoyment that this city offers. Plus my Grandchildren can come over and go swimming with me and give my DDiLaw a break.

Another amenity the hotel has is Adjust Sleep System Beds, whatever that means...I think DH might just want to share my room. P

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I'm sorry that I haven't written to you in awhile diary. I don't know where else to turn. Please let it not be true.

Coco my dog has been sick for a week with an eye infection and a bump outside of her rib cage. The "bumps" (large masses)
have spread everywhere. They are on her neck, under her front legs, huge masses on both sides of her body etc.

She has been to the vet 3 times and today the vet finally aspirated two of the masses. She is very worried that this is an agressive (sp) cancer.

I would sooner die then have my dog die.

I have to go to work now. We get the results back tomorrow afternoon or the next day.

Please God, don't let it be cancer or a life threatening disease. She is only 5. Take me instead, God.

Love,
J.

[tina martin]

Dear J, I'm so sorry to read this. Am not good at knowing what to say. It is not you or anyone in your family though Coco is very dear. Still, it is a pet and not a person. The good part about being a pet is they don't have to suffer as humans do, something I don't understand. My daughter went through similar sorrow with her cat when she was all alone.

Prepare yourself as best you can. From what you say it does not sound so good. You can cry on my shoulder, Love.......T

[Loveslife]

Thank you, Tina. Work has been so busy tonight. I had my first code 99 ( cardiac arrest) and the nursing supervisor said I handled it perfectly. My voice was shaking and my hands were shaking so badly but, I did it. The patient did not make it.

If my dog is sick with cancer, I will not make it. That is true. The pain would be too unbearable.

[tina martin]

J, you are so good at work and work is so good for you. Your darling Coco's problem is unbearable to you. I never had those feelings about the dog we had, but I realize what yours means to you: everything. Your friend, your companion, your solace, your joy. But it happens to people and happens to animals. Nature is brutal and heartless. Everyone ends.

So please be prepared. You are there to help her and I'll try and be here to help you. I went through this with my daughter, long distance. She was in denial, spent a fortune she did not have. My son went through it with a cat too. But he was able to accept the end. Life is tough and we must be tough. Be strong, Love...........T

[Paisleegreen]

Dear J, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog. I have gone down that road two years ago and really set me back. I lost my dear dog who was my buddy. Went everywhere with me...he could read me, I guess by knowing my habits, etc. He knew when I was getting dressed, curling my hair and putting on make-up that we were going somewhere, or at least I was. He would run to the front door and then back to my room to check up on my progressing. All the while barking in excitement! He loved to go on car rides with me whether it was to Home Depot or the school or the park, wherever. He was not going to miss out on any of my road trips.

He also loved to go walking with me and be with me while I gardened or worked on my fish ponds. He knew when to "bark" when I was overflowing my ponds with the garden hose. He would warn me. He would chase stray cats out of our yard and imaginary ones as well. I would just mention, "Kitty or Go get the Kitty" and off he went through the doggy door tearing out across the yard on a mission to seek and scare away!

He would end up at the end of the yard barking up a tree whether there was a cat up there or a squirrel. He fulfilled his mission and was darn proud of it. He practically chewed the bark off that poor tree.

Anyway, I know your pain pretty much as I had to put my best little buddy to sleep due to an injury that became septic. It had spread throughout his body and to his kidneys. The Vet tried to save him the best he could but after the infection went to his kidneys, there was no more hope. My family was there while he passed on. The Vet was so nice and caring.

He is now buried under our lilac tree along with a few other beloved cats. It has been terrible lonely without him, but as my brother wrote me, he said that "he served his measure of creation", and that he did with all the love a dog can give to his mistress.

My deepest sympathies as you go through this journey. It is a difficult thing...hugs sent your way, dear friend. Paislee

[Paisleegreen]

J, I wanted to add in a separate posting that I'm proud of how well you handled the emergency at the hospital, even though you were nervous. First experiences always get our own hearts racing. Good Job, Girl! Paislee

[Loveslife]

Thank you Tina and Paislee for your love and support.

GREAT NEWS!!!!!
Coco does not have any signs of neoplasm. Whatever she has is an imflamatory (sp) disease/process. Tomorrow she is having a few of the masses/growths biopsied, and then hopefully we can start her on prednisone.

Sigh.......