Dear Diary

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J, T, and R-- Yep, my life is complicated. My mother even noticed that many years ago that I had so many personalities to work with in my own little family of 5 children. I thought about my mother, she was not like the Beaver's Mom at all. She wasn't liek Mommy Dearest either. She didn't show much affection by giving hugs nor very consoling. My eldest sister was my Mother, at least to me she was most caring, talked to me with respect and care. Even sewed me a dress back when all the other Mother's made their daughter's their clothing. Mine was store bought. I was so proud of that dress my sister made me.

Anyway, J, focus on your schooling and if you can get the CDs, do it. They are worth it! I understand that many people have purchased the program on EBay and I was fortunate to buy another person's Program at a lesser charge and with everything intact compared to my sister lending me hers with no notebook. If you get Panic to Power that will really make a difference. But the CDs are great because you can just put one on when you need the encouragement.

I just bought me my first portable CD player so that I can listen to the Meditation/Relaxation CDs privately as well as the other ones. Plus any CD I want to! It was quite the decision factor going to the store and studying it out as to which one to buy, but I did it! Yippee! And now I have read the instructions! Not asking DS to show me how to use it. I will read the instructions and be independent.

Tina, I like your stories about DH and the Drs on TV. I don't get cable so I don't get to see them. I did go to the LTT link R put down about FB. I guess it just has past discussions on it. He linked it for another StressCenter.com person.
Now I know more about what you guys are talking about.

Gotta go...haven't had dinner. Paislee

[Loveslife]

Hi Paislee,
Happy Memorial Day and I'm sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you.

Here is what I know for sure...

Change happens in stages. It doesn't happen over night. I learned this myself, by simply trying, slowly, to change myself.

I too was very co dependent (to put it mildly) and I was extremely depressed and very suicidal just 2 years ago, and even less then 2 years ago.

Slowly, I put one foot in front of the other and set small, obtainable goals. After each goal was met, I set the bar a little higher and met a new goal, etc.

I can see that you are doing the same things too. So, don't be too upset with yourself. You know what needs to be done re: your son, but you have also lived through a devastating, life altering loss.

Give yourself a pat on your back, a hug, accept a hug from all of us, and know that you WILL persevere. I'm sure of it.

Set small goals, and knock each one out of the park....You are already doing it.

Love,
J.
PS
I love how you left the loveseat out in the elements to be rained on until it was too ruined to be brought into YOUR SPACE.

More Love,
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks J! Yes, the love seat is still out there lying on its side the way DS left it and uncovered. It is in front of the boat, so I guess that is when it will get moved. I can't call up a second hand store to pick it up because it is junk now that DS didn't protect it.

This morning DS's big gear bag/suitcase was still in the livingroom/slash entryway.This is the third day its been there after returning from a work trip. Remember, he has the whole basement. This morning his coveralls was lying on a bench/wooden loveseat I keep in the entryway. He and DH are always leaving things on it, sort of a resting place. This is where their double standard comes into place. I can't have a simple dishpan in a double sink that I use, but they can clutter up my yard and living quarters, especially the Entry way where all company sees it.

Well, this morning DS's coveralls caked with mud from going four wheeling in the wee hours of the morning with friends were lying on this loveseat bench. ( it has a seat that has storage in it where I can put scarfs, hats and gloves in it.) So moved the gear bag to the staircase to the basement and put the coveralls outside on the deck.

I also bought at the store when I got my portable CD player a doormat that says, "Got Dirt". I had purchased the one of these for my other son for Christmas. He loved it! But I at first hesitated, what would DS and DH think about his one. I thought it was better then "Wipe You Paws" door mat with little kitty paw prints stamped on it.

Anyway, they are wiping their feet on a better mat than the one DH had bought that just is not going to get their boots cleared up. Oh, forgot to add that DS's muddy boots were next to the bench as well. So I put them outside on the front porch.

I could feel sorry for DS, but I don't, he slept all day, missed a Memorial Dinner with his other married brother and family. Then got up to do his thing and shower later and went to work at 11:00PM. His four wheeling came after work, so he chose to stay up later, have some fun. Then leave his muddy cover alls and boots in my entry way. We have other entrances into out house that goes through a garage where the boots and coveralls could go. We have a shop as well, and we have a back staircase down to the basement and to his bathroom and bedroom.

But when their is a loveseat lying in the pathway to the back part of the house and garage and covered staircase, it is much harder to get there. So I'm just living with a 20 year old teenager that has gotten away with bad behavior. I've given a lot of leeway due to the loss of my son and his brother and that "he's tired from working". But he's tired from playing and he gets plenty opportunities to sleep.

Anyway, we'll see what drama my actions bring. I'm just standing up for my space and just doing what he was wanting, a place where people could come and the place look nice. At least that is what he did with my family room downstairs, He cleared out my belongings. So he can't be upset by me taking a stand that his muddy coveralls don't belong in my entry way. My children have known this simple courtesy all their lives.

We live in a rural area with dirt and grease all around and where it snows and rains and can create quite a mess. I gave birth to 4 sons and knew that my house there was going to be dirt brought into it. I've lived with it all my married life, and this 20 year old has been the most disrespectful of my feelings or house rules which have been very lenient considering there are women out there that are constantly cleaning everything with a cotton swab.

If I were like that, so many things would be frustrating me, but I accept the fact that there dirt is going to come into my house, but I don't have to allow it where it could be prevented by the simplest action. I think my son needs to move to his own place where like my eldest did, where he could bring in his snowmobile tracks(mechanical tracks) into his living room with brown carpet if he wants to. This did change after he got married and he used his garage and now he has a shop.

Thanks for listening...P

[Paisleegreen]

Well, DH talked to DS about me...I could overhear the conversation. He talked to him about not having a stink when I take things downstairs to sort out my scrapbook room. Some of the things I heard my son say drove me a bit crazy, then I just went where I didn't have to hear him. As he was saying things about the dishpan again and DH was too that wasn't accurate. So I couldn't go and explain.

He also took my action of removing a very muddy pair of coveralls off my entry way bench to outside to dry out as that I just tossed these coveralls out onto the deck willynilly so that DH thinks that was my attitude. DS had brought them back into my entryway and put them on the loveseat bench. He also told DH I put his muddy boots on the front porch, where that is where they belong.

I think he is up for counseling but I haven't heard it from him, so I need to know this so that appts can get scheduled. Anyway, I was pleased with DH for talking to him, but the way he asked DS to "allow" me or not make it difficult for me when I do take things down to the basement to sort things as it is bothering DH to have my boxes of stuff in the hallway!

So I still don't really feel understood or respected by either one...but I'll take it. So it is hurtful...and I'm working through it.
So progress is being made. P.

[tina martin]

Dear Paislee, I do so hope both your DH and DS can join in therapy. You can't do this alone. Just my 2 cents.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Tina, I've been in therapy with DH. DS will see him alone, although I haven't had that conversation with him on that, so an appt hasn't even been made. I've been so hurt by DS, that I prefer to not even talk to him, let alone see him at this time or minute. It can change...maybe. I'm just feeling vulnerable right now. I will probably feel better after I eat some protein.

I also need to be assertive and let DH know what hotel/motel I want to stay at next week for the family reunion. I don't plan on staying at his Dad's house and I want a place with an indoor pool and jacuzzi. Which are quite abundant where we are going.
I don't want him to Priceline anything this time.

I listened to Lucinda's CD today on Assertiveness and read in the workbook on the other Sessions as well. I've gone throught he CDs before, but didn't have the workbook. But also working with Dr David Burns Feeling Good books last year really helped me. I need to get those out again. I also need to go walking, the weather has been pretty lately and I haven't felt like getting out in it. Paislee

P.S. I forgot to add that the muddy coveralls that DS put back on the loveseat wooden bench are gone. So that was good to see, either he used them last night for work or he washed them.

How are you doing these days?

[tina martin]

It is always painful to read of the conflict with DS. Hurtful to both of you when you ought to just find joy and pleasure in each other.

My brother (now losing his mind) is my daily sadness. He is also a mirror of how we were made. He has been such a sorrow to my nieces. How do I avoid a similar fate; how do I not leave a mess for my children? My daily preoccupation.

PS (J's PS procedure I'm copying). Just want to tell you how wonderful you are to respond to people so kindly. Sometimes I feel too depleted myself and I Imagine you do too, but you go in anyway. You're a grand person.

[Loveslife]

PPPS
You are all grand. Grand! I'm copying that word. I love it. It's grand.

[Paisleegreen]

Thank you! I'm just so thankful that you guys listen to me and give me advice or just a comment. I really cannot talk to anybody else about this. Relatives, like the gossip. Right now one sister I would talk to, I don't trust to not tell some other siblings. I'm not comfortable with my younger brother. He is the type that shows his vacation photos on FB and that's all. I just find him frustrating as he dishes out "wisdom" when I'm living the wisdom!

It is my husband and children that helped my other brother and his family when he had Leukemia. It was my husband who took me to visit the other sister that has a hoarding problem along with other emotional problems and fixed her broken pipe and got her on the Internet. ( She wouldn't allow anyone into her messy trailer to hook up the computer for 4 years)

The other things he posts on FB is two of his sons graduated from college. So there are pics of that, which I'm proud of my nephews, and I'm friends with them on FB so they always get my attention. Anyway, that is all I hear from him. I understand part of it, because I know him. I know he is sharing his joy after losing his wife to cancer a while back and is sort of a newlywed now and is able to go on some fun trips. I guess I'm a bit jealous...as his new wife is fit and healthy and enjoys going on these trips. Where my husband likes to help others in need, but has a hard time going on vacations. We don't have the same type of energy level or I guess, people interaction.

He is more quiet and shy, unless you are asking him about his business. I guess that is why he married me because I am outgoing and like to do fun things. I guess partly, like you Tina, I got my A's in P.E. so my energy levels in the past and I guess now find it very exciting to visit new places. I enjoy going to museums and exploring new sights.

DH has a hard time going to Los Angeles and driving on the freeways. We do okay, but it isn't on his favorite things to do! If he goes on any type of family vacation, he will sit in the van or trailer or room and veg. While I use the pool or play with the kids in the lake or river. He likes to listen to Rush or Glenn Beck or any talk radio.

Okay, enough of this...just venting. Like I said, you guys are the only ones I can talk to.

Now about my DS, it does bother me as well, I should be enjoying this son, and have always enjoyed him while growing up as I have all my children. I just have never had a child live in our house at this age and take it over! The one son that still lived at home at that age just vegged down in the basement which I stayed away from. He didn't make any waves, he pretty much camped out down there, played video games and slept and didn't graduate from high school. He had to finish the hard way...summer school and night class to make up for what he missed. But this was after my other son had killed himself, so I get it.

I pretty much was just existing then and caring for my sick Dad and this son helped me to do that. So he was great to have around and didn't tell me how to do the dishes or pack up my stuff. He is my middle child and is very smart and a reader.
We have nice conversations together about philosophy and what not. He never feels the need to show off his knowledge or skills. He's married now and I miss him, but he is doing well. His brains could have gotten him scholarships to many colleges, but he didn't have the ambition. So it is a bit sad, but he still is a young man and has a good job.

If he were ever to go to college, he would just whiz right through it. That's how gifted he is. I'm just happy that he is stable and making a home for his wife and future baby. Paislee

[SoWhatif]

Hi P, Your to hard on yourself.Write ds a letter and use your fine skills at clearly making the adjustments and shortcomings he is showing. That way it eliminates any belligerent young adult syndrome. Another thing is allowing them to null the basics. Write dh a letter to if there is a issue. There is no better time than the present for him to be learning and as a guiding example for ds and himself..