Dear Diary

[tina martin]

Terrific all around advice, R. If you are wondering where I've been, I've been hanging out at Zone. I may soon get married to a Commie should I return to earth after I've died. Together we will establish Utopia right here on earth. Problem is he believes in divorce (or no marriage) and I don't. If he marries me he is stuck with me. This scares him.

I come back and read here. Your struggles pain me. The key sorrows you both carry with you are near insurmountable. I feel that. But hope and faith must, must prevail. Love...........T

[Loveslife]

That's it Tina. I'm telling Dr. K. that you are marrying a commie. An intervention must take place immediately.
And I mean immediately.

[tina martin]

Actually, J, he is getting cold feet. It's a May/Dec deal taboot. He's a quarter of my age, so not much to worry about for now.

J, I can't bear watching Dr. Drew (Drew Pinsky) on HLN when I long for Dr. K. But so it is. He recently got his own show on HLN (next to CNN where I am). Occasionally I watched him on Celeb. Rehab when Boss here used to say (in derision to my watching this), "Why is he wearing that stethoscope?" Oh, that Boss, sees everything. Anyway, Dr. Drew is quite the expert on addiction. So I also think of Brooke.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi R, thank you again for the support! I have felt the same way and have received other suggestions or comments the same as yours. It is my house and he is taking over it and getting in between me and DH. DH told the Dr how he thinks I should be cooking for this 20 year old. And how his mother on her dying bed from cancer was ready to get up and fix him something to eat before he left her house. I told him in front of the Dr that I am not your Mother! If anything, DH should have been fixing his mother something to eat.

I was raised with a working mother and my siblings and I did the housework, cooked and did dishes. His mother was a stay at home Mom and loved to cook for her 9 children. As she was doing it since she was a little girl and cooked for a family when she was a teenager. My family didn't focus on food, we focused on activities together, outings and vacations. DH's family didn't have a lot of money, so growing a big garden and canning was a priority for them.

I've done plenty of cooking for my family and for shelter homes that we lived in and my daycare. Then I gave 24 hour care for my father in his last days of cancer. I'm just not the type to baby a 20 year old. It is more him wanting DH to cook him something when we are enjoying each other's company and DS has been puttering around with the pick up. Mainly to impress his friends and the girls. We all know why boys fix up cars! LOL! Our business does involve the restaurant world so food is not a scarcity in our home.

So far all his GF's have been very needy and unable to stand up to their parents. So there might be a pattern here of some sort. He's only had 3 GF's so far.

Well, I left sfuff from the scrapbook room outside in the hallway, but will start to take some downstairs to sort through. I am missing my new sewing machine and it is not in my scrapbook room where DS says it is. So we will have to hunt that down. Both sons have just gotten home in the early AM from being out of town. So I was too chicken last night to put stuff on the table downstairs but will do it today. Wish me strength. Your coaching is very helpful!

I have hireed a boy to help with some of the outside work and there is a nephew with higher skills that I hope to hire this summer before he goes to college. His mother wants him to work, but talking to him at his Graduation Party, I wasn't getting a huge response. But probably because this is the first he is hearing about it.

Next on my agenda of being assertive, is the Widow living in our business property/house. I talked with her and she remains very helpless and hopeless. She gave reasons why she shouldn't get a job, also has let up on pestering the maie folk in the family to fix a few things at the place as she knows we are very behind in our work load due to the letting go of two employees.

She is very dependent on us and has no money, but a lot of possessions. She asked if it would bother me to have her come over to look into the trailer and shop full of her belongings. I told her no problem, but she hasn't made any effort to come over yet. We've moved her over the first of March.

As you and others has suggested and another person, was to have her come over to my house and help me with my yard vs trying to fix up an almost commercial property when right now we aren't concerned about how this property looks. She needs to have her eyes checked for glasses, see a Dr about testing her thyroid, she needs to sell things to get money but doesn't focus on getting her computer fixed by my son, which he offered. It just has a virus that DS the Geek can fix.

So since she doesn't have a computer working this keeps her from checking things out on Craig's list or Ebay and even coming online to StressCenter.com. I have told you that we found that she has the program although very old, she only made it to the 3rd Session.

She doesn't know I'm on here and probably has completely forgotten she has the Program. So this woman isn't getting any type of therapy except talking to us. She finds excuses to not try anything. So i've decided as suggested by you guys and others to invite her over to help me pull some simple weeds and transplant some plants, as she is a gardener like me.

She laments that she can't grow a garden over at the other place because we have a lot of spare tires and truck parts over there. But this place is on an acre, so there are places to to grow a small little garden or whatever.

So this is another burden we've taken on to help her out due to her husband's untimely death by suicide. It looks like I'm going to have to be the main catalyst to get her moving and take her clothes shopping as she has gained weight due to the depression and meds. So this is one of her excuses for not looking for work and the other is anxiety, which I fully understand. But as we all know we have to push forward with our anxiety to get over it. That is what Lucinda says and my Dr.

DH is thinking of letting her have more of the rooms in this rental as my DD can do our books at her house. This isn't convenient for my sons to not have our files handy in the middle of the night, but they can work it out for the time being.
I'm telling you this stuff now, but will have to delete it if she ever comes to StressCenter.com, as that will only happen if she gets her computer fix and if she is so inclined. Because there are other websites that focus on being a Survivor of Suicide that she could go to and it would benefit her immensely. Her Self Esteem is very down due to this suicide of her DH. Who as I mentioned was a drug and alcohol addict as well as gambler. So I don't know what to do to help her.

We have done more than enough as far as moving her into our place and she is living rent and utility free. She does own a cabin that taxes are due on it. She has two DD's but they have their own problems, which part is drug abuse and rehab.
So we have been her main resource.

Well, thanks for listening, all of you are such great help. Thanks R for helping me to understand why I feel the way I do. I sort of realize that that is why, but they turn things around to make it be my fault. The male folk pretty much get their kudos from the working environment they are in. They get a paycheck and commaderie. The only visible sign of kudos I get is my flower garden and fish ponds. Otherwise, noone notices housework unless you don't do it! I get "good feelings" when I do my volunteer work and I enjoy my Grandchildren's company and love teaching them new things. But companionship with a 4 and 6 year old can only go so far.

I love all my children, and I feel I have a good and respectful relationship from two of the four, they are both married, so I wonder if that is why. My daughter in laws are great. P.

[Paisleegreen]

Tina, you are a funny gal! But I like your standards! P.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I'm sorry that I haven't read Paislee's thread yet.

Diary, I'm scared. Depression is nipping at my heels today in a very big way. I have been depression free for so long and feeling quite happy.

It's back. i'm practicing mindfulness, reading a book, i went to the pool but nothing is working. i think maybe i need to look into the cd's that everyone mentions here.

i can't go back to being depressed. i just can't.

i wish i were working all weekend, but i don't work until monday at midnight.

love,
me.

[Loveslife]

PS Dear Diary,

I know what is triggering me. I told my psychiatrist things I have NEVER told anyone in my last session. Ever.
I keep trying to forget about our last session, but the memory keeps popping into my brain no matter how much I try to squelch it.
Also, I tried writing a letter to Brooke and i couldn't do it. my hands are freezing up just typing this.
from,
me.

[tina martin]

J, the blues will come, but they come in waves. They come to me too. I don't have the program here but feel I've acquired enough about CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) to almost practice it and apply it. I also have read quite a bit about Buddhism. Even its first statement is soothing to me: Life is a Struggle.

Whatever came out to the psych had to come out. You will be better for it in the long run. Write just a couple of sentences to Brooke: you think about her, miss her, love her. Or, as I've had to do: deal with what is completely out of your control and leave it at that. It is what I've had to do with my brother. Have not been able to speak with him. Last time I heard him say,"I can't speak to her." It is now 2 weeks. His mind is going. He is part of me; part of my past. Sometimes I can distract myself; other times I can't.

Give yourself a hug and one from me along with positive self talk (CBT). Love............T

[Loveslife]

Thanks, Tina.
I also opened another thread about fear...fear of failure or success, but mostly just fear.

I identified my fear and took action.

I found two community colleges, wrote down their phone numbers and will call them first thing Tuesday. First thing tomorrow I will read and respond to Paislee.

Tina, I understand about your brother. Thank you for your analogy of out of our control situations and also the idea of just writing a few sentences.

I think instead I will focus on my dream, of going back to school. I must get started on this asap.

Happy Memorial Day weekend, Tina.

(((( LOVE ))))

[tina martin]

At times it seems I have slipped into another stage of life. My children are so far away. I feel alone. But I accept that. My mother died alone; my brother is dying alone. The distances were the curse in my life.

Paislee's life strikes me as so complicated. Don't know how she deals with it. But that's just it: we each have our different situation. As FDR said: We have nothing to fear except fear itself. Yes, taking action will help.

A good weekend to you.