One thing to remember when dealing with manipulative people is that we often set the groundwork for how we expect to be treated by our own behavior. If every time someone expects us to do something and we do it, then we're teaching them that it's OK for them to expect these things of us.
By breaking that pattern of negative reinforcing behavior we have an opportunity to retrain others on how we are allowed to be treated. This doesn't mean that the other person will necessarily accept it or change, but at least you'll then know whether you can continue your relationship as is or if you need to distance yourself somewhat. In some cases, it may be best to just cut off the relationship although this may not be practical especially with family.
Jamie
Spoke assertively to my mom!
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Guest
Good point Searunner. We really do teach people how to treat us and we can retrain them.
As for the distancing thing, it does not have to be permanent. Just think of it as an action that says "I'm upset right now, I'm not going to put up with your behavior. Come talk to me once your ready to deal with the problem." Or i guess you could say that too.
In essence what your mother is abusing your rights and taking advantage of your condition and she might not even realize this on a conscious level. Its not right and you are the only person who can show her how her belief is not healthy and In turn you can help her grow and become a better person.
Mike
As for the distancing thing, it does not have to be permanent. Just think of it as an action that says "I'm upset right now, I'm not going to put up with your behavior. Come talk to me once your ready to deal with the problem." Or i guess you could say that too.
In essence what your mother is abusing your rights and taking advantage of your condition and she might not even realize this on a conscious level. Its not right and you are the only person who can show her how her belief is not healthy and In turn you can help her grow and become a better person.
Mike
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Thanks Ninja! The "debt" so to speak will never be paid off, which is why I feel it's important to set boundaries now. I can see with my sister, who is now married, has her own home, has her own pets to take care, my mom expects the same from her without giving any consideration to the fact that she has a life too. I pretty much have been using the "broken record" technique and just repeating why I agreed to. I've been sucked in before. It's so easy to start feeling guilty like Lucinda said, and then they keep on pressing you for "why" you can't do something and you eventually end up giving in and i didn't want that to happen this time. And you're right, I don't think my mother is out to get me and I do believe its done on a subconscious level and she continues to behave this way because its always worked and people do what works. And I think even on a subconscious level, she can realize that this isn't fair either.
SeaRunner,
Completely! I had mentioned that the other day. That I have enabled my parents for SO long that now when I say no, it's no surprise they're unsure of what's happening or why I'm saying know. But deep down, as much as my mom chooses to ignore it, I've been heard and I've told her exactly how I feel. And I wouldn't cut off my relationship with her, but like Ninja mentioned, sometimes people need a little break to digest what you've said. I guess my mom just normally emails me the next day like nothing has happened but that's also not dealing with the issue at hand. She'd rather pretend that there is not issue and everything is great. Talk about avoidance!,hehe
SeaRunner,
Completely! I had mentioned that the other day. That I have enabled my parents for SO long that now when I say no, it's no surprise they're unsure of what's happening or why I'm saying know. But deep down, as much as my mom chooses to ignore it, I've been heard and I've told her exactly how I feel. And I wouldn't cut off my relationship with her, but like Ninja mentioned, sometimes people need a little break to digest what you've said. I guess my mom just normally emails me the next day like nothing has happened but that's also not dealing with the issue at hand. She'd rather pretend that there is not issue and everything is great. Talk about avoidance!,hehe
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NinjaFrodo,
Well, I was firm with my mom about how long I was willing to house sit for. I said one week and in the future she needs to discuss her plans with me rather than just expecting that I'm going to come over and watch the dog and the house. And as tough as it was, I had to tell my sister that I wouldn't be watering the plants and taking in the mail while they were watching the dog. I told her that I appreciated how tough that would be but that I was only doing the one week and she would have to figure out the rest. And she will. When you're in the position, you are forced to use your creativity. If that means her husband looking after their home and she looking after my parent's place, then so be it. But I'm starting to realize that THAT is not my responsibility. I use to take responsibility for everything. But at the end of the day, it's my mom's responsibility and no one else.
Well, I was firm with my mom about how long I was willing to house sit for. I said one week and in the future she needs to discuss her plans with me rather than just expecting that I'm going to come over and watch the dog and the house. And as tough as it was, I had to tell my sister that I wouldn't be watering the plants and taking in the mail while they were watching the dog. I told her that I appreciated how tough that would be but that I was only doing the one week and she would have to figure out the rest. And she will. When you're in the position, you are forced to use your creativity. If that means her husband looking after their home and she looking after my parent's place, then so be it. But I'm starting to realize that THAT is not my responsibility. I use to take responsibility for everything. But at the end of the day, it's my mom's responsibility and no one else.
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Thanks Ninja, for sharing all of your affirmation scripts with us. I have printed them out and will have something to fall back on when in need. These have been very uplifting to me, you have a very gifted talent and should apply it to all of the public to see. Maybe you could make a calendar and on each month put one of your affirmations as a reading for the month. Just a thought.....
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P&P -
Wow! I'm so impressed that you've set your limits and are sticking to them. That's hard to do, especially with family. It's easy to get sucked into "well, just this one more time."
In my own experience, I've found the best approach to combat the repeated whys is to just say "I'm sorry, but I just can't do that" and nothing else. Repeat it as many times as needed. Eventually the other party gets it that you're not willing to be drawn into an argument. If you start to offer excuses, your just opening the door for more appeals.
Also remember that as we learned in the Program, no one can make us feel guilty. We only feel guilty if we choose to. You know that you are not required to do everything people ask of you. It's your decision to say yes or no. Of course we want to help other people out when we can, but we never want to put ourselves in a position where we are being taken advantage of.
Keep up the great work and be strong!
Jamie
Wow! I'm so impressed that you've set your limits and are sticking to them. That's hard to do, especially with family. It's easy to get sucked into "well, just this one more time."
In my own experience, I've found the best approach to combat the repeated whys is to just say "I'm sorry, but I just can't do that" and nothing else. Repeat it as many times as needed. Eventually the other party gets it that you're not willing to be drawn into an argument. If you start to offer excuses, your just opening the door for more appeals.
Also remember that as we learned in the Program, no one can make us feel guilty. We only feel guilty if we choose to. You know that you are not required to do everything people ask of you. It's your decision to say yes or no. Of course we want to help other people out when we can, but we never want to put ourselves in a position where we are being taken advantage of.
Keep up the great work and be strong!
Jamie