Faith,
Are you in the storm path also? I just saw Frances' post about being there.
Is it me or him!?
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Guest
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Mello Nello
- Posts: 299
- Joined: Thu Feb 17, 2005 2:00 am
That could be but he has had a habit of saying he doesn't have a problem with something, then making little subtle comments about it. . .later on he'll admit it did really bother him. So, this makes it extremely confusing for me. I never know when he's really just joking and when he's trying to be passive aggressive and tell me something. For example when he one time put the peanut butter on the floor in the laundry room after I didn't put it away. He claimed he was joking around but later admitted he was PO'd that I didn't put it away.Originally posted by FrancesL:
Faith...
Men usually say things right to the point. Some in conversation if he says he doesn't have a problem with it, that is most likely the case. If you start joking back about it, it may not seem like such a big deal to you.
He had two sisters, maybe he learned these head games from them.
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Guest
Faith,
We really will not understand men and they really will never understand us.
Maybe your husband may have an issue in communicating HIS needs. Instead of telling you he wants to spend time with you, he messes with your computer, they you are left confused and the big strong man will fix it for you. BUT in the mean time, your computer is down and you have the time to spend with him...he gets what he wants. But you end up feeling messed with...THIS is not right.
He also may need you to need him more than you really do. I know this sounds bad, but I am not saying this in a bad way. Some men just like to have their wives attention at ALL times. My father was one to do that. He got jealous if my mom took us out to spend time together, but when we asked him to join us he always had something else to do. (ie:drink) My father would sabatoge the car so it would not start or he would just tell her she could not use it. (this came after 20 years of marriage) Some men like to be the center of attention, some men like to control their women. If my mom just sat there, my dad was happier than if she was out in the yard gardening. Also some men feel inferior to their wives and are jealous of their wives accomplishments, relationships, hobbies, etc.
But I really think he just does not know how to express his needs and wants. My brother in law is that way. He is a tough, macho, manly man. I have seen and heard him "bully" my sister around so much so I brought it up to my sister and she acknowledged it, but also was hurt and embarrassed that I heard him having a fit about the bed not being made. ALL weekend she worked a garage sale, entertained family and friends in the evening, was trying to do 2 weeks worth of laundry he had from being out of town on a job (plus her laundry), the dogs needed to go to the vet, she needed to grocery shop, clean the house, still work in between for her job and then work on material for the business she will be opening this fall. But all he did ALL weekend was mow the lawn (2+ acres on a riding mower), take naps and basically sit watching reruns of the SAME movies and TV shows he has seen many times over. She always has made more money than him, she has always been more successful than him, but they have different jobs. (sister is white collar professional where there IS room to move up and he is blue collar and there are not many places to move up in a small family owned business so the salary never will compare) He works physically hard and my sister works mentally hard. To him she does not work because she sits and does most of that in the comfort of their home. In any case he also plays this passive-aggressive game and it DOES hurt my sister. I do feel for you.
What I suggested to my sister is to talk to him and find out what really is his deal. Maybe he is insecure, or jealous? (of you, your job, the time you spend doing something that does NOT included him, the money you spend, etc, etc) Maybe it is his job, coworkers? Stress and insecurity at work can make him feel less of a person, so when he comes home he KNOWS he has control over his home. I told my sister to TELL him how she feels, but not to put him on the defensive because that will only agitate him even more but to say I feel like THIS when THIS happens or I felt like THIS when you said THAT to me. Maybe he does not even realize WHAT he is doing? Maybe that is the way they his family communicated? I saw the same thing in my father that his father did to him. My grandfather would ALWAYS criticize anything my father did, it always was not good enough and my father felt not good enough in his fathers eyes. I had the SAME feeling with my father, that NOTHING was ever good enough no matter how hard I tried. My father liked to keep us feeling not good enough because then WE had to rely on HIM for everything because we really could never do anything right, so that is why HE was there to save us. Maybe your husband sees that you are strong and maybe he is insecure that you may not need him anymore so he messes with you by pushing your buttons, or by doing something that you will need him (to fix computer) or just by doing something that makes him feel superior to you (boosts his self esteem about his insecurities about himself).
What you can do for yourself now is TRY real hard not to have the things he does get to you. The more he sees that the things he does bothers you, the MORE he will do them. (liken this to dealing with a child; if the child cries and gets what s/he wants, most likely the child will do it again and again because they will receive what they want. There is a GAIN for him.). Next time he tries to get a rise out of you, just turn around and chuckle in your mind. Do NOT allow it to make your blood boil, you know how he is and this is the way he works. Ask him if there is something on his mind that he would like to talk about (in a NICE way). Maybe then he will have to communicate. I also have seen people have difficulty doing a face to face talk about what is on their minds write it out in a notebook or sketchbook, like a letter to you, or some writings about how he feels and you can do the same too. If he is not open to talking to you or writing stuff down, suggest to him that you feel that BOTH of you would benefit in some communication (or counseling) course with a therapist, someone at church or a seminar. My sister has also learned that she needs to scale back on some things and DO go out and enjoy a night out to dinner with her husband, or to do something he wants, like to see a movie of HIS choice. She needs to stop running around and spend some time with him too. For her it needed to work both ways to try to get some balance. Things for my sister have improved, so there is HOPE!
We really will not understand men and they really will never understand us.
Maybe your husband may have an issue in communicating HIS needs. Instead of telling you he wants to spend time with you, he messes with your computer, they you are left confused and the big strong man will fix it for you. BUT in the mean time, your computer is down and you have the time to spend with him...he gets what he wants. But you end up feeling messed with...THIS is not right.
He also may need you to need him more than you really do. I know this sounds bad, but I am not saying this in a bad way. Some men just like to have their wives attention at ALL times. My father was one to do that. He got jealous if my mom took us out to spend time together, but when we asked him to join us he always had something else to do. (ie:drink) My father would sabatoge the car so it would not start or he would just tell her she could not use it. (this came after 20 years of marriage) Some men like to be the center of attention, some men like to control their women. If my mom just sat there, my dad was happier than if she was out in the yard gardening. Also some men feel inferior to their wives and are jealous of their wives accomplishments, relationships, hobbies, etc.
But I really think he just does not know how to express his needs and wants. My brother in law is that way. He is a tough, macho, manly man. I have seen and heard him "bully" my sister around so much so I brought it up to my sister and she acknowledged it, but also was hurt and embarrassed that I heard him having a fit about the bed not being made. ALL weekend she worked a garage sale, entertained family and friends in the evening, was trying to do 2 weeks worth of laundry he had from being out of town on a job (plus her laundry), the dogs needed to go to the vet, she needed to grocery shop, clean the house, still work in between for her job and then work on material for the business she will be opening this fall. But all he did ALL weekend was mow the lawn (2+ acres on a riding mower), take naps and basically sit watching reruns of the SAME movies and TV shows he has seen many times over. She always has made more money than him, she has always been more successful than him, but they have different jobs. (sister is white collar professional where there IS room to move up and he is blue collar and there are not many places to move up in a small family owned business so the salary never will compare) He works physically hard and my sister works mentally hard. To him she does not work because she sits and does most of that in the comfort of their home. In any case he also plays this passive-aggressive game and it DOES hurt my sister. I do feel for you.
What I suggested to my sister is to talk to him and find out what really is his deal. Maybe he is insecure, or jealous? (of you, your job, the time you spend doing something that does NOT included him, the money you spend, etc, etc) Maybe it is his job, coworkers? Stress and insecurity at work can make him feel less of a person, so when he comes home he KNOWS he has control over his home. I told my sister to TELL him how she feels, but not to put him on the defensive because that will only agitate him even more but to say I feel like THIS when THIS happens or I felt like THIS when you said THAT to me. Maybe he does not even realize WHAT he is doing? Maybe that is the way they his family communicated? I saw the same thing in my father that his father did to him. My grandfather would ALWAYS criticize anything my father did, it always was not good enough and my father felt not good enough in his fathers eyes. I had the SAME feeling with my father, that NOTHING was ever good enough no matter how hard I tried. My father liked to keep us feeling not good enough because then WE had to rely on HIM for everything because we really could never do anything right, so that is why HE was there to save us. Maybe your husband sees that you are strong and maybe he is insecure that you may not need him anymore so he messes with you by pushing your buttons, or by doing something that you will need him (to fix computer) or just by doing something that makes him feel superior to you (boosts his self esteem about his insecurities about himself).
What you can do for yourself now is TRY real hard not to have the things he does get to you. The more he sees that the things he does bothers you, the MORE he will do them. (liken this to dealing with a child; if the child cries and gets what s/he wants, most likely the child will do it again and again because they will receive what they want. There is a GAIN for him.). Next time he tries to get a rise out of you, just turn around and chuckle in your mind. Do NOT allow it to make your blood boil, you know how he is and this is the way he works. Ask him if there is something on his mind that he would like to talk about (in a NICE way). Maybe then he will have to communicate. I also have seen people have difficulty doing a face to face talk about what is on their minds write it out in a notebook or sketchbook, like a letter to you, or some writings about how he feels and you can do the same too. If he is not open to talking to you or writing stuff down, suggest to him that you feel that BOTH of you would benefit in some communication (or counseling) course with a therapist, someone at church or a seminar. My sister has also learned that she needs to scale back on some things and DO go out and enjoy a night out to dinner with her husband, or to do something he wants, like to see a movie of HIS choice. She needs to stop running around and spend some time with him too. For her it needed to work both ways to try to get some balance. Things for my sister have improved, so there is HOPE!
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Guest
Hi Faith, Ive read through your post and could say DITTO to alot of what you said about your husband. The way I am dealing with the situation is that I have backed off from him(as far as letting him get to me) and started working on myself, starting last year with this program. I have changed alot, become stronger and more secure with myself. This made things worse at first with my husband because I began to change. But now I am different and really dont let him get to me (instead of pretending he doesnt get to me) and can now do this guilt free. It has brought me out of a deep depression due to the way I used to let him make me feel. He truely is no longer in control of how I feel, I am in control of how I feel. I hope I have made sence. Keep doing the program and work on yourself first. Marriage is so hard but you have to stay true to yourself and not let him take control of you. I too do not want to get divorced but I had to take control of me. I hope I helped a little.
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Not again!
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- Joined: Sun Apr 22, 2007 3:24 am
Thanks guys. . . really. . . you have all helped me so much this week.
I know that some of this is me. . .I have issues with trusting and he has issues with abandonment (I think) so the combination sometimes makes for a rough time.
I do intend to try and talk about it this weekend and explain how when he isn't straight-forward it makes me feel like he's trying to mess with my head. And I'm sure he just feels neglected because I can get drawn into the internet and other things and then my body is there but my mind is elsewhere. That's hard for him.
Hopefully we can get back in synch.
When we went to the marriage conference a few months ago we did SOOO good for awhile. We just fell into an old trap. I know it can turn around it just sometimes takes time to get there, and not sweeping it under the rug.
I know that some of this is me. . .I have issues with trusting and he has issues with abandonment (I think) so the combination sometimes makes for a rough time.
I do intend to try and talk about it this weekend and explain how when he isn't straight-forward it makes me feel like he's trying to mess with my head. And I'm sure he just feels neglected because I can get drawn into the internet and other things and then my body is there but my mind is elsewhere. That's hard for him.
Hopefully we can get back in synch.
When we went to the marriage conference a few months ago we did SOOO good for awhile. We just fell into an old trap. I know it can turn around it just sometimes takes time to get there, and not sweeping it under the rug.
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~*schnauzermom*~
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