Dear Diary

[Loveslife]

Paislee,
As I'm sipping my tea, waiting to go off to work, I am pondering you and your life. We have very similar sort of life changes/challenges, yet very unique and different too. I tell you this because I hope you understand that I am coming from a place of compassion and tender understanding.

We have to use the oxygen mask metaphor. Tend to yourself for now. You must. You absolutely must put yourself first, before anyone else in your family. I relate to how you feel, and am all too familiar with the sort of straw on the camel's back story.

You can't handle one more burden.

Disregard his poor manners right now. Buckle down and only think about yourself. This, in itself, is a lesson to your family.
You can ignore the laundry, (don't do his) ignore the clippings, (although I love R.'s idea) and soothe yourself.

Tomorrow will be a difficult day for you. Can you just sleep late, or garden, or take a walk or a bath? Something just for you?
I feel you must nurture yourself, and through the nurturing, your strength will continue to grow.

We are so similar, but I think I'm a few steps in front of you in regards to the learning to tune everyone out and only care for myself. I also learned the word "autonomy." Do you know Paislee, that 3 years ago, 2 even, I didn't know what that word meant. Do you know what it means??

You are your own unique and lovely, accomplished, insightful and caring person. You are not just a wife and a mother. You are a woman who has many different qualities and interests, etc. My motto for the last 2 years has been..."Julia Child didn't write her first cookbook until she was 50." Hence, me finding work, becoming an officer on the aux. board, etc. My next chapter is just starting.

So is yours.

Be kind to yourself tomorrow Paislee. You all have your own unique ways to grieve, but you must now, at this juncture, tend to your grief, so that you can guide yourself first, and the others hopefully too, to happiness for YOUR next chapter.

Rest now Paislee.

I will be working and it will be exhausting working this shift, but it is also so interesting. A baby was born yesterday, and a life ended on earth, just in my tiny hospital.

Rest and feel peace tomorrow.

((( Love )))
J.
PS
I too am grieving, in my own strange way, the loss of a business friend to suicide in December. That is why I have J. Shipp's book on my nightstand, along with another book.

If my friend had only learned to fail, he would have become stronger. But because his parents always protected and sheltered him, he couldn't handle failure or adversity.

This is a tool for you to show your sons by example. You, Paislee, can handle adversity. And be stronger for it.

((( MORE LOVE )))

[Loveslife]

PS
I'm at the hospital now. They are filming the show Bones here!!!! Cool!

[Loveslife]

PPS
No, I was given bad information. It's a movie they are filming starring James Woods. Brilliant way to bring in extra funds!
Cool!!!

[Loveslife]

Dear diary,
It's quiet now, at work.
I read something that triggered a flashback. It's gone. It was like a lightening flash through my mind.

Tar.
Tar is probably impossible to remove. Don't step in it, j.
Avoid the tar.

Love, me.
PS
I remember that tar bubbles up in the heat. I used to try to step on the tar bubbles. When I went to Erica's house I would step in tar..
No more now. Save this weird memory for Dr. W.

[Loveslife]

Dear d,
I need Lizzie now. she's gone. I have to be me.
Ok. It's ok.
Love,
Me

[Loveslife]

Oh no. I can't return to this...runs away feeling overtired and confused. As usual.

[Loveslife]

Dear diary,
This is a very painful day for me this year. Extremely. I've been pondering and pondering...
What is B. doing in jail? I mean, REALLY, I doubt she is off of drugs. I've read they still can be procured in jail.

So, what disgusting horrible things is she doing in jail to get the drugs. I am assuming the worst, because for me, the worst has always been true.

I'm crying. He went to church, which was nice. I'm trying to rest after being up all night, but random flashbacks are passing through my mind. It doesn't help that people from my past, my early adolescents and childhood, are reappearing on facebook, causing me to also have flashbacks.

I was a very good secret keeper. I was dirty and damaged but hid it well. Or did I. Can I see in my photos the sadness? No, I hid it.

I don't like this. My mind is jumping from year to year to year to child to adult to baby and I am all confused. EVERY time I gently coax my memory, it meets tremendous resistance. But, everything happens for a reason.

David R. friending me on facebook is gently taking me back to where i never wanted to go. He just doesn't know it.

oh, and jail. who is in jail, anyway. I thought I was so happy, but something triggered me last night....I retraced my steps from another site...

the words sweetheart, car, good, and I'm sure I'm leaving out the most triggering word of all. I just forgot what it was and I'm too scared to go back and read the posts...cousin. Cousin.That was it.

Off to have a panic attack now...

PS
I hate mother's day. I've never confessed it before. I don't want to call mmy mother. She ruined me, and she happily admits it. She ruined me, but I'm struggling to survive and be whole for my next chapter.

scattered thoughts

four bricks wrapped in paper, left behind and buried all those years ago. I'm going to Los Angeles this week and will visit my family at my nephew's graduation. Hopefully that will be healing. My mother isn't attending.

something is wrong with me. I'm falling apart. I need sleep. Was it the combination of the hospital, a movie being filmed,
and those triggering words?

bye bye.

[Loveslife]

PPS
sorry i'm a thread hog today.

[Loveslife]

case sensitive.
the pied piper.
just shoot me.

[Loveslife]

There once was a very little girl. She was very sweet and good and did what she was told. She wnet to nursery school at the Pied Piper. Once she was wearing pants and had to go to the girls room. she wasn't strong enough to open the button on her pants. no matter how hard she tried, the button would unbutton. the button was very strong. the little girl struggled to open her button all by herself but couldn't. she wet her pants. her pants were wet and cold and it was in a church. in the upstairs. above the schoolroom. she went up all by herself to the girls room and wouldn't let anyone open her button. instead she wet her pants. her mother came in and yelled at her. the little girl tried to explain that she wouldn't let anyone open her button and she couldn't do it herself. there were strange men upstairs in that church. old people. she was afraid.
the little girl got the mumps and became frail and was crying that she got smaller. the little girl told her mother that every time she looked in the mirror she was getting smaller and she told her mother that she was disappearing right before her mommys eyes. her mommy laughed at her. her mommy told her that she was still there. but the little girl wasn't there anymore. she disappeared. she stared and stared at herself in her mommys full length mirror but couldn't find her.

must rest now.

PS
the little girl went to the worlds fair before nursery school. she was 3. her daddy bought her a gold charm that said "world's fair" but she lost it. he put it on a bracelet and wanted her to wear it but it fell down that thing in the road. the little girl is lying. she thrrew it in tht thing in the road. but she got a helium balloon tied to her finger. the little girl was walking with her daddy and the helium ballon came off of her finger and flew way up into the sky. she stood and watched it floating away. it was so big and then it wasnt big anymore and then her helium balloon disappeared. she wouldn't move. she was stuk staring up at the sky trying to see where the majigcal place her helium balloon went to. she wanted to float away too.

bye bye
the end.