Dear Diary

[tina martin]

Thanks, J, I'll research if I need to. Editing, that's interesting. Editing possessions. Am all for it.

I told her this morning, "It is not safe here. Build in the front." Have not seen her since. Dad, of course, is nowhere. They do the hanky panky and then hang out in bars. Already I just keep watching from the kitchen unable to get ready to leave. Mercy. This is a deja vu. Wish someone would fix my noodle. The neurons are sticking together. Advisor here says, "Don't interfere with nature" and runs off. Of course, I won't be able to do anything useful when I return. He may change his tune. J, it takes much juggling with the boys for robbies and us. Politics everywhere. Love.........T

[SoWhatif]

T, use some bold smell, like old perfume or colone or even ammonia sprinkled will deter her nest selectionsites.

No juggleing for me, that just causes more anxiety, now it is to the point, thats the way I want it and thats how I give it.
The old saying either crap or get off the comode. it has caused some initial friction but thats about to be steamed off and things are moving more smoothly and predictable.

Dh has some major life changes to adapt and master J. Ignore all that bs that you will see hear and watch. As T mentioned earlier watch your back becasue at this point he is in a self loathing, self destructing along with taking as many as he can along with him casulties. Keep assured clear distance and buckle your seatbelt.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi, J, It sounds like you are making great progress and I like the advice of R and T.

I'm feeling rather blue and wonder what to do. I as T says probably expect too much of myself and get frustrated that I can't get all the things done or cleared away in one day. I'm tired and don't know if it is due to extra activity from working outside in my yard or worn out due to family members either their expectations or non attention.

My latest frustration is that I discovered my now 20 year old son's clipped toenails in my formal living room. I can't recall if I mentioned that he did this before and I handed him a box to clip them in when he was first doing it, but her nonchalantly refused to clip his toes in the box. I told DH about it and he never talked to him, so now it has happened again.

This is so frustrating and hurts my feelings...I haven't said anything to DS about it yet...but DH saw my eyes welling up with tears and he thought I was thinking of our late son. I told him what our young 20 year son was doing. And asked DH again to talk to him about it. I don't know if he has yet...this is what is causing me great frustration and sad feelings because DH doesn't protect me from my children's bad behavior towards me.

He allows DD to talk rudely to me and has never confronted another son about a very scary confrontation done by him as well. It is almost like and I am sure it is allows this behavior because in a way he is feeling a "pay back" sort of for the way he feels about things and in non assertive to talk to me about it or fix the problem.

My late son use to defend me...one day he got after another son for talking mean to me. He said to his brother, "Don't talk to Mom like that!" I really miss this boy, his heart was so tender and he was so thoughtful.

Anyway, I'm feeling so blue I wonder if I should go back on antidepressants with all its side effects. I don't know if this is anxiety, I'm so sensitive to things and yet have no "feeling" towards DH at this time and I'm angry at the 20 year old.

He spends his time working on an old truck, and then expects his Dad to fix him tuna sandwiches before they both go to work. I keep telling DH, he is 20 years old! He isn't weary because he is worked to death, he is super focused on putting together an old pick up truck to go Baja'ing in...or fourwheeling. So he does his laundry and then leaves it on my great room's couches. He even brought up laundry baskets, almost as a hint for me to put his clothes into it.

I have folded his clothes or put together his socks for him, to help him out so that he has time to help out others or take care of other chores he has. But that's not the case, I get clipped toenails on my living room floor for the second time and I had company coming.

My body aches more at my age of 56 1/2, so having to do unnecessary chores pains me, literally. DS also brings in dirty shoes from working on the pick up and I've talked to him about that. It is easier to wash a floor rug than to get out the Rug Dr to clean wall to wall carpet. I have enough work to do and catch up on that this just drives me crazy!

How long am I suppose to put up with this? Can I wait another year for this boy to grow up some more and leave home or what am I suppose to do? I right now would be fine living by myself right now, or is this my anxiety?

Paislee

[SoWhatif]

P, you do have the hands full don't you. The exercise I would bet is not the tired culprit. It is the anquish of not being respected. My advice is simple and not approved for feely ggod feelings. It will fix the problem and boys will adjust after the tantrum at which I would apply more cost from them for the behaviour. Take his nails and serve them to him on his dinner plate. Will not need any explanation. speaks for itself. If you find the dirty clothes throw them on his bed. It is time to stand and watch the actions happen. Say it once and then step 2 is a consequence. Shoes off at the door ect: but you have to be consistant. More than likely the best word is be a biotch and there will be hell to pay. Do not be intimindated and don't back down. Kick ass take names and disscuss their options later. Drill Seargant P, I am here for duty Sir, is whats to be the result. It really does work, try it.

Love ya friend and go gettum TigerMom....you will them. Buy yourself a stungun and tell them that is step 3 when they least exspect it. Second guessing causes needs for meds, I believe dicipline is worth more than Gold. You will like it.
May be h for awile but the storm will quickly blow over.

R

[Paisleegreen]

Hi R, thanks for the advice and the reassurance that I have reasons for my depression/anxiety. DS's clothes were clean and he put them in the washer. He asked earlier if I would switch it out, put the darks in the dryer and then add the whites. It worked out that I didn't have to do that part. But I tossed them onto the couch from the laundry room next to our kitchen/dining room with room for a couch and love seat.

He brought up two empty laundry baskets. I don't know if he was "helping" me out or making a quiet suggestion or he was planning on doing it himself. Anyway, I had better things to do, such as, rake out debris in out irrigation pond and my own laundry.

I've already vacuumed up the toe nails for my company. I can't control the boots, he comes in at different hours, but he clearly knows better.

I have stood up to him when he sat on my nice Living room couch after he worked on the pick up, then he switched to the computer chair, which I still have to sit in with my good clothes. So I had put some towels on it.

Anyway, I gotta go for now. I thought he would get more helpful after his gf went away to college, instead he just got busy on this pick up. I know it is a "manly" thing and a way to show off to his friends. He is immature from going to a Geek school and focusing on computers for 4 years or more. He's smart and talented, and yet insecure.

This is the anniversary of when I came home from my trip and found my stuff packed up from the family room and a piece of furniture I treasured gone. Then on Mother's Day morning I found a 3 page single spaced typed letter telling me all the things that bothered him about me and that he kept inside since his brother's death.

I asked him what he wanted for his birthday, and he wanted a pistol, I told him I got See's candy for my 20th bday and why would I buy him an expensive pistol when I don't think he should have one. (Partly due to his immaturity and lack of respect for me). I'm sure it is an acting out behavior that he missed out on in his teen years.

I am so angry! I just want to pound sand, but I pound pillows or the bed. I didn't use to be like this, but I had more say in my household as well. I just want to run away or be gone on a long vacation. Okay, the tears are flowing again. Ugh...I hate this feeling. I feel so helpless.

Both sons and DH are working hard, as we fired or let go of two of our employees that don't know how to be a good employee. Now when my guys go to do the accounts these guys did, it is double duty because they shirked their responsibility. So it is more work for us to do now. So DH just isn't going to ruffle DS's feathers because he needs him, but DS lives at home for free, drives our vehicles partly free, has control of my basement, and it seems elsewhere.

But when he got DH to make him sandwiches, we were watching a TV show together, so he seems to like to split us. DH was planning on going to a fast food joint on the way to work, but DS was famished as he "worked" on the pick up and finding tools to be able to carry with him on the truck. Part of it was going through memory lane with my late son, as he did that when he was at a younger age.

I will press the issue of the toe nails and I've been thinking of having a family meeting with all adult children involved in our business. We're all tied together...ugh. I'm the Odd man out!

[tina martin]

Paislee, I'm so sorry for your justified distress. They are being disrespectful, inconsiderate, hurtful. I might want to find a place of my own, tell them, "Goodbye, Good Luck, Adios." What they are doing is wrong.

R, thank you for your info. I am so torn. She's busy settling in. Now it's the other side of the column, hard for me to see anything. If something were to creep up I would not see it. Heartaches with love affairs.

J, I hope you are dealing with Roomie. The straightforward approach (R) may be most honorable. But who says humans are honorable? Dostoyevsky said we are each out for ourself. I think he has something there.

The suffering of my brother and his daughters is making me sick. Desperate niece called me yesterday. His personality is changing. I've noticed that too. He is making it so hard for her.

A cleaning frenzy may be a life saver today.

[Loveslife]

Hi All,
I will respond to everyone with love and care, however right now I am just back from my midnight shift and I'm so tired I can barely stand up.
I drove home from the hospital just now, driving down the village green and it is truly beautiful. The dogwoods are in full bloom, cherry trees too (?) I will investigate if they are cherry trees and I laughed and thought of R. and T. as I had to stop to let a gaggle of geese walk by. Not Canadian geese, but another very cute kind. It should be called "goose crossing"....too cute.
Tina, before I pass out I want to say I am sorry for your brother and his daughters. I truly am. I didn't know he had daughters.
Agony.
Love,
J.
PS
The Hospital was very busy last night, and this morning the woman who relieves me from my shift just wouldn't shut up. She has a crackely (sp) old voice and I couldn't hear myself think. Yak Yak Yak Yak....Thank Goodness it was time for me to leave.

((((( LOVE ))))))

[Paisleegreen]

J, I hope that you are getting your rest, so sorry about the other woman talking your ears off. Ugh...
I like you goose story, I stop for geese as well. The blooming magnolia's sound great and I bet the cherry trees are the pink double blossomed ones that don't bare fruit. Am I correct? That's what we have around here to put on a gorgeous show.

We have tulips blooming all over and it is such a delight! I hope things are going well on the homefront as weill with roomie as Tina calls him.

T, thanks for the sympathetic words, I really get confused, "is it me or is it them" that makes me feel this way? Do I feel depressed and distraught because my brain chemistry is that way or is it because the people I love aren't listening to me or ignoring me or just in their own world that I'm not a part of or important enough to be listened to. I really don't know what to do.

I feel so much pain, and its a Saturday, so I can't call my Psychologist to visit with him. There really is noone to talk to that I feel "safe" with...except you guys. Funny thing, though, is that my Dr has told DH that if he would listen to me, and let me talk, my anxiety levels go down. He actually watched this happen in therapy. The Dr can tell when I'm more anxious than usual since he has seen me since the beginning of this saga late last summer. He has counseled with DH and me since then.

Well, on to another topic...so sorry to hear about your brother and his daughter's having a hard time with him. My father in law turns 87 tomorrow and that is when he plans on leaving this earth. At least that is what his plans were to be after his wife succumbed to cancer 10 years prior. I don't think it is going to happen as a family reunion is scheduled and most people hold out for those and then take leave. He still is functioning...and living on his own...unsupervised...but cared for.

Now are you talking about the Robbies and their love affair, or someone else? I think you are talking about your Robbies...but then I might have missed something along the road less traveled. Thanks R, J, T for listening...DH is watching TV in the Master Bedroom catching up on shows we normally watch together, so I can't go back in there to sleep some more. He and my two sons worked late last night, so DH seems to wake up from the guest room when he sees that I'm on the computer. I only wake up to visit here and other places and then I'm ready to go back to sleep.

I wake up distressed over things and the only companionship or distraction is the computer. Normally, I would go out to my garden, but I'm feel so tired and overwhelmed, that my body aches. Maybe I'll try an Advil and see what happens.

Thanks again...all of you are wonderful! Paislee

[Loveslife]

Paislee, I like R.'s good, solid, sensible advise. I use his advise (and Tina's) all the time. Either c--p or get off the commode.

I recognize all of your patterns, because they are traits that I too USED to have. Placater, smoother, soother, fixer, calmer downer, enabler, whatever you want to call these traits. They are ingrained traits in mothers.

I was reading a book that the headmistress of my daughter's school wrote for her retirement. It's called Simple Gifts, and she took the title from her favorite quaker hymn. The book is made up of her 20 years of speaking and her lovely words I still today find very soothing. The book spans my daughters whole childhood. Jane started as head mistress in 1990 and my daughter attended in 1992/3 (2 1/2 years old) until she graduated in the 8th grade. Jane retired last year.

Anyway, the book is a remarkable time capsule, if you will. I was there for all of the parent night speeches and talks, and so I remember most of her words. I was there in 2001 on that horrible day, when we were just into the school year by 4 days. Her book covers all of those talks. But, as I was reading, one chapter stood out. I wish I could cut and paste, but alas, I cannot.

I will attempt to recreate what she wrote, as it applies to any mother, of any child, no matter the age...

Oh Paislee, I hope this isn't too sensitive to you. It applies to me as well. My older daughter is a drug addict/eating disorder child, currently in jail, so I understand your pain.

One chapter is called MISTAKES.

Mistakes..by J. Shipp

Tonight I am going to talk to you about discipline. It's a word that conjures up nastiness, harsh treatment, even shame; but I want to present discipline in a different light, in a positive light, as an important part of the learning process.

Young adolescents are busy working out moral issues at an awkward time of their lives, at a time when they are relying on their peer group for support. For the most part they do the testing out of their issues on their friends. At the same time they are absorbing some looseness about right and wrong from society. Part of what we need to teach them is the delineation between right and wrong, particularly in the gray areas, and there are lots of gray areas.

When a transgression occurs, it is our goal to teach a good lesson to the transgressor, and also to the others. You don't do that by grinding a child up, by heaping shame on him or her, by making a public spectacle of what has happened. You try to teach as skillfully as possible, and with as much care as possible, because the goal is for a child to internalize a sense of right and wrong.

The chapter goes on....so I will edit to the end..

So, my message to the student is pretty standard. "You are a good person, who has made a mistake." "You are not ruined, but you need to learn from your mistake." "We need to figure out what you are going to do, so that this mistake doesn't happen again" In other words, our focus is on helping children learn from their mistakes. It works. Students rarely make the same mistake twice.

Learn from J. Shipp, Paislee. She was the most caring and nurturing and strict and wonderful headmistress to ever walk this earth. She taught me so much.

Your son is no longer in the lower school, or the upper school. He is no longer a student. He must do his own laundry and abide by your rules, while under your roof, or he leaves. Even if he is homeless for awhile. He won't make the same mistake twice if you remember that you must show him the way to taking care of himself, while respecting others.

The next chapter is heartbreaking, but I am still going to type it, because of your living son....

No One Taught Him How to Fail...

I will edit this chapter and just say that she had a friend whose son didn't get into the college of his choice. He shot himself.
NO ONE TAUGHT HIM HOW TO FAIL.

You must teach your son how to fail, so he can succeed.

Be strong. We are here always, cheering for you and catching you when you fall.

Like R. says, it's time to c--p or get off the commode. You can figure out the way in which you would like to teach him that there will be no more chances, however, keep in mind that whatever you say, you must be prepared to do. I told my daughter that if she were to go back on drugs and land in jail, I would not bail her out. She is still in jail, but this may save her in the end.

(((((((((( LOVE ))))))))))
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Thanks, J, I've been resting and I joined DH watching shows we've recorded. But pretty much keeping tears back...he then later fixed himself something to eat and didn't come back in our room, he went to the guest room to sleep. He'll be better company after he sleeps. He has worked long hard hours.

I haven't seen DS except for him given my oldest DS a CD that he burned for him. DS's GF is back for the weekend, so don't know what the plans are w/him and her. So I might have young adults over tomorrow for the usual Sunday dinner that they cook and eat, and I clean up mostly.

I don't have that much power over DS, DH needs to be on board and my Dr pretty much told us or me maybe privately, (not sure), that DS will only be in our house for a little bit longer, but this was more in reference to how he took over my basement. So I don't think the Doc would be pleased with DS and his toenail incidents. I thought DH would have talked to him about it the first time. The Dr did praise me for standing up to DS about sitting on the LR couch after working on his pick up.

So he can tell that I'm getting stronger and that I'm not so afraid to risk him not being pleased with me. So I guess I've come a long way considering I'm not on anti-depressants nor taking Xanax regularly. I did let him know I wasn't pleased with him the other night when he jokingly tried to touch me after working on the truck. So he knows what buttons to push or my concerns.

I agree about the discipline thing, he was brought up with standards, and he is the most stubborn. His older brothers had to carry him to his bedroom when he had a time out b/c he wouldn't go on his own. We've taken the door off to his bedroom one time to discipline him. And he would sit at the doorway and hallway near my bedroom and put up a fuss of wanting his cat. I had to do all the disciplining b/c DH was gone all the time working at night or out of town.

Then when he went to his Technical High School he was told that if he didn't start to do his homework and getting good grades he would be let go. There are only 200 students at this school, it is a Chartered High School and only kids that want to be there and get good grades get to stay. So he worked hard at going to summer school and night classes to stay in. But due to his previous slacking, he missed being in the top Honor Society. So he missed out on scholarships. This H.S. still gave him college credit so he was able to skip a Semester or two.

So he does go to college right now, but b/c he is so smart in the Internet Technology, he doesn't have to go to class, he just calls the Professor and schedules a time to take the test for what the rest of the students are studying. So he has free time.
So he does work for us and gets paid and fixes what is broken at our house or vehicle. So he is very handy to have around.

But as I've told you all, I guess he is a bit spoiled in some ways and yet in pain in other ways and is trying to find his way.
I do put blame on DH for protecting him too much. He talks to him about things, but apparently, I guess the toe nail incidents haven't been a priority, so that makes me feel like I'm not a priority.

I will tell him what I think about his latest behavior, but I don't have the power to kick him out. He cried the last time he thought I wanted him to move out and put it on FB that I blamed him for splitting DH and I up. I didn't see this on FB, just DH retold this story and I don't know where he heard that from except my daughter might have told DH. My sister looked for it since she was "friends" with him on FB. She couldn't find it.

Anyway, the Dr knows about that episode and I think he has been trying to just help me with my anxiety and feeling better about myself to stand up to DS. Also, help my relationship with DH so that he stands up for me.

I just dread tomorrow, I don't know what the plans are. I'm really tired and have no energy to get out and garden or do anything. I hope it is just because I came back from having such a good time last weekend and wore myself out. And then started doing a lot of yard work after.

Can anxiety make you really tired? I haven't been having the scary feelings in my gut like I use to, but now I'm tired and want to cry all the time. Has anxiety turned into depression?

J, I really appreciate the head mistress's talks. I agree, and that is the whole thing in a nutshell. DH had scared me from the beginning when I stood up for myself, I did as you said placate, etc. and just did what I could to help provide for our family due to DH's decision's he made early in our marriage that cost us our credit rating and we had to pay the banks back due to a business failure that started right after we were married. I was young, but did voice my opinion on him buying a business in a city I didn't want to live in and his father co-signed on the loan.

That is how we started our married life, already in debt, with nothing to show for it and we didn't go bankrupt. So I helped to pay the banks back. Long, long story, that caused much stress in our family life. But we persevered and now have a successful business and developed good financial discipline along the way.

But our business did take its toll on the family along with my father's interference while it was being built. So 20 year old DS is reaping the benefits of it, that's for sure.

I better post this...now the tears just want to come...I just wonder if Xanax would help me out for now. I do feel tense and tired. I do need to eat something more substantial than yogurt and walnuts. I did take an aspirin for my aching back.

Thanks for all your love hugs, I appreciate it so much...hugs right back at you and T and R. Paislee
Anyway, I'm missing a beautiful day b/c I'm so tired.