I was so darn miserable w/ all that the worst of anxiety disorder was for me, how it made me feel & how very much it impacted my life - that IT SERVED AS MY MOTIVATION! I was desperate. There was NOTHING, & I mean NOTHING - more important to me than <span class="ev_code_RED">me wanting to FEEL BETTER & finding a way to make that happen - Whatever that was going to entail. I was WILLING. </span> From that point, of absolute & raw desperation, came my MOTIVATION. I didn't want to feel good for just 1 day, or 1, or 3. I wanted to feel good for the rest of my life. I wanted RECOVERY & EMOTIONAL FREEDOM.
There used to be a tv show on in the 80's, FAME. Debbie Allen I believe played the dance instructor. In the opening, she says, "you want fame, well fame costs & here's where you start paying in SWEAT!" Recovery from anxiety disorder is no different. In fact, IT DEMANDS IT - IT DEMANDS YOUR ALL - IT DEMANDS CONSISTENCY, yes - even when you feel like you can't/don't/won't - yes - even when life is going on out there & you want to be doing other things.
I didn't have a single clue what this "thing" was that had befallen me in the beginning - to be frank, I was ignorant to it & what it would require of me & how hard that work was going to be. TRIAL & ERROR was my initial guide. In other words, I sought out whatever I could that was going to enable me to help myself to FEEL BETTER. I'd try this, & this didn't work - so, I'd say to myself "ok, we won't do that". Then, I'd try THAT & MY DOING "THAT" gave me some relief. So, I worked on doing THAT, whatever that may have been. I was, in essence, compiling a TREASURE CHEST of experience + skills + knowledge, through trial & error. I began to notice: the more I got out(painful emotions/memories surpressed), the better I felt + the more I changed, the better I felt. Well, heck, FEELING BETTER WAS MY OBJECTIVE - so I just kept going, learning/growing/changing/evolving. <span class="ev_code_RED">I BECAME FOCUSED.</span>
WHY PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW THAT WHICH YOU CAN DO TODAY. If we, those who have anxiety disorder, continually say, "oh, I'm gonna do it tomorrow" - when is recovery gonna come - we are putting off our emotional freedom & feeling better. It is you who has the responsibility of this. Sure, we have support via family & friends. However, as much as they love & support us - it ain't them feeling miserable majority of the time(body symptoms & all)- IT'S US.
Anxiety disorder foreced my hand - it also crypled my ability to be gainfully employed. I couln't work. Majority of the people in my life, hubby + our family/inlaws + friends - ALL WORKED. In addition, no one in my life had anxiety disorder - so I had no reference point or the kind of support that came fr literal experience. I was home for 3 1/2 yrs recovering fr anxiety disorder & then depression - ALONE MAJORITY OF THE TIME. I was terribly lonely - so much so, it HURT ME - PHYSICALLY. For a short while, I was also resentful. I was resentful cause folks/family/friends - were out there, out & about - living life & here I was, damn it w/ anxiety disorder. They didn't have my burdens & I was mad, lol. I wanted to be out there too - I wanted to be carefree - I wanted just 1 darn day where I didn't have to talk/think about anxiety disorder or recovery. There were many things I wanted to be doing, & trust you me, they didn't include anxiety disorder + excruiatingly painful therapy sessions + not being able to get sound sleep - only averaging 1-2 hrs per every 24 hrs + experiencing a level of fear that was mind numbing to me, beyond any comprehension I had + journaling & journaling, to train myself to be ok w/ what I'm thinking & feeling - then to feel them + researching = reading 16+ books on anxiety disorder & depression + to go through Lucinda's program - + changing my dietary intake + exercising. There wasn't a single soul on this God given green earth that was gonna give it to me + do it for me + make it go away - I HAD TO DO IT. The question became, <span class="ev_code_RED">WHAT WAS IT WORTH TO ME.</span> I wanted OUT THERE TOO - & as corney as it sounds, just like she said on that FAME TV SHOW - it was gonna cost me, recovery was gonna cost me w/ pain/tears/changing/homework - except this time, I didn't have to answer to some teacher - I HAD TO ANSWER TO MYSELF.
I don't mean to sound so harsh, sincerely - I am the most compassionate & empathetic person you will ever meet.
I was just @ the worst of worst - literally. I was 2 steps away fr a PSYCH HOSPITAL, NO JOKING. I had to fight - I had to do it, even on many days when I didn't want to. I realized, PROCRASTINATION & WHAT IF'G are both so much worse on us than JUST DOING IT - committ to yourself. I didn't want to know I had to do it - but I had to, lol make sense. 1 day @ a time, alittle @ a time is all it takes. It does take committment + consistency. The rewards are so worth the effort. You gain your emotional freedom. Think of it as you going through RECOVERY COLLEGE & YOUR MAJOR IS "EMOTIONAL FREEDOM". I didn't want to be home for 3 1/2 years. However, I needed to be home for 3 1/2 yrs. I gained my freedom via my hard work. Now, I am free - I have SKILLS man - real life skills so I don't have to run & hide fr anxiety disorder or its symptoms. I don't have to run fr stress for I know how to handle it a lot better. I have learned compassion + empathy + love for myself - cause I gave myself a gift = COMMITTMENT TO MYSELF & PUTTING MYSELF/MY WELL BEING - 1ST!
Your Friend,
LENORE
