Difficult People

Carolyn Dickman · Post by **Carolyn Dickman** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:17 am

Originally posted by Kelsey:
DebDeb,
I'm so sorry you are not being heard or treated right. My example doesn't apply to your situation at all. Calling you those names can be deeply hurtful. You're right, you don't deserve that, nobody does. I really hope everything works out for you both.

Thanks Kelsey- Things were going along pretty well after he stopped drinking, but he does have
a lot of health issues and recently he has had
a misfortunate job opportunity happened so maybe
like you said my timing may be off and he is extra sensitive right now and in a really bad mood over his own personal issues.
Perhaps I am not being sensitive to this?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:21 am

Struggles with angry people. I feel at fault for so much of the anger that I am now up against. The negative, angry, bad habits I feel I have taught them to my children and instilled them into my husband. In trying to be a non-reacter and person controlling my anger I am struggling. My family husband and one son are not able to take any fault and move forward at hearing where we have a problem and need to fix it. Defensive and angry are all they are responding with and when I am trying to break this as my own response it makes it so difficult to feel like I am not being heard and getting no where. I feel like problems just are expected to be forgotten and swept under the rug. Without resolving the problems they just come back. What can you do with loved ones that have learned the negative and angry non solution ways that I am know trying to break myself?

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 5:35 am

Originally posted by DebDeb:
Hi Still KIckin;

You are making perfect sense.
Your family should understand that you are not
feeling well - why can't you all get together
closer to where you live so you can be together?

Family can be our worse enemies at times & I can
totally relate with the drama-who is not talking to who -etc; Some of them are horrible people that I have chosen not to associate with anymore.

One of my brothers-3 of 'em-owns a lakehouse just about 25 mins from me-it is huge.We have used it before. There are places all around it to sit and not be "in the crowd" I want some one on one with my grand-baby-she's 6. She loves me so much but I never get to see her-just us.
If I told you some of the junk I have to deal with-but, wait it sounds like you already know-sadly. : ( My daughter has a very stressful job-she has sev jobs-too many to be raising a kid. But, that is another subject. She got really mad at me after her last visit to Moms' I just didn't go. I am too tired of all the family crap-ut oh-these people are CRAZY-at least I admit it when I am having a problem! They all-none of them think they have any problems! hahahahahaha OHHHHHHHHHHH My mouth to God's ears. It can't be me all the time-even my 14 yr old son hates going over there. He doesn't even like my Mom-hasn't for yrs. That was a decision he made himself-I have never told him how to feel about them. But, it doesn't take long for anybody to see right through them. My late Husband would eat when we got there and he would go to SLEEP on a couch and let them devour each other! hahahaha He was such a good soul. I would wake him in time for some coffee and dessert before we made the trip back home and thank God all the way that I didn't have to stay with them! Of course I wanted my son to have a family but they ain't it! OHHHHHH meeee.
I will end up mailing "the box" to my baby and then later-maybe on a school break I will make the 4 hrs one way-for me-trip to see my girls. Then the trip home and be sick for a week after.
I am so glad I can put this on paper so to speak-I have kept it all inside for yrs.! I scored really high on Lucinda's "control" scale. I guess that is my biggest enemy-but but but....I am dealing with 2 major chronic lillness'and a colostomy-raising a 14 yr old genius and all the housekeeping chores. I guess the control issue is I feel so Out of control. Now I know WE are not in control-but do you know what I mean?
Blessings,
Deb ^J^
"Wildflowers Don't Care Where They Grow"
Dolly Parton

Wondersofthesea · Post by **Wondersofthesea** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:11 am

DebDeb, I found the tape on anger to be very useful, combined with the one on assetive behavior. You can't deal with an angry person if you are not assertive. otherwise, you take all the blame and feel guilty even when you are being emotionally abused.
I had a very difficult marriage. Unfortunately we ended in divorced (I hope you work things out before it is too late) My husband was so angry and critical and expected me to do everything for him and take care of the kids. he never appreciated anything i did. After 20 years of marriage i felt there was nothing i could do to make him treat me well.
I wished I had learned these tools then. If you listen carefully to the anger session and then follow with the assertive behavior, you might find new ways to deal with your husband. I even took notes, to read them again and again.
good luck. Nobody deserves to be treated badly. Don't let that hapen to you.
best of luck,

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 6:11 am

Yes my husband also is the biggest anxiety for me as well. My therapist pretty much said his personality type is the kind one either has to be able to accept or walk away from...there really is no balance in him. Between his horrible temper, abusive verbal tantrums....I should buy stock with Xanax

In order to effectively communicate with him I have to wait till theres a smile on his face? You know how hard that is.......especially when things need to be addressed...and not on his timing. Most of the times we walk on egg shells because I don't want any conflict....its ok to agree to disagree but not when it becomes foul language used as abuse. I'm tired of my children witnessing this. I tell myself is this the type of husband I want for my children? The answer is always...NO...hes a half way fair parent........but better at being by himself. I look to God each day for strength and wisdom as I sit here with tears in my eyes looking for the right path to take.......enough is enough. I have always been the passive person and hold everything in now I can't...I'm on session 4 day 3 I think I need to go grab the assertive behavior disk before I grab the kids and relocate.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 7:45 am

Originally posted by Believer08:
Yes my husband also is the biggest anxiety for me as well. My therapist pretty much said his personality type is the kind one either has to be able to accept or walk away from...there really is no balance in him. Between his horrible temper, abusive verbal tantrums....I should buy stock with Xanax In order to effectively communicate with him I have to wait till theres a smile on his face? You know how hard that is.......especially when things need to be addressed...and not on his timing. Most of the times we walk on egg shells because I don't want any conflict....its ok to agree to disagree but not when it becomes foul language used as abuse. I'm tired of my children witnessing this. I tell myself is this the type of husband I want for my children? The answer is always...NO...hes a half way fair parent........but better at being by himself. I look to God each day for strength and wisdom as I sit here with tears in my eyes looking for the right path to take.......enough is enough. I have always been the passive person and hold everything in now I can't...I'm on session 4 day 3 I think I need to go grab the assertive behavior disk before I grab the kids and relocate.

Believer
I am so sorry you are going thru this. He has to
change his abusive behavior. I hope maybe the
therapist can talk to him-perhaps have him change his ways?

I hope and pray that you find the courage and strength to deal with him.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 10:57 am

Boy I wish I had some good advice here but I've been divorced twice so I don't think I would help much.. I have had a lot of training in dealing with difficult people when I was at work but it was related to client contact etc. not relationship stuff. If your spouse has only been in AA for a year he may still be going through a lot of adjusting to this issue. His irritability may be way up there at times right now. Good luck and hope you find some kind of compromise with this.

outofthepit · Post by **outofthepit** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:39 am

DebDeb- Both of my parents were alcoholics and I can understand where your anxiety stems. You are right in that he is defensive and is going to stay there if you keep complaining and criticizing. Men generally want to fix things and he doesn't know how to help you. Use this forum to unload your thoughts instead of onto him. Keep focused on becoming your healthiest self and this program and just smile and be kind. He can't be angry at you if your being kind. You have more control than you think. Keep on loving and supporting him and if he has truly made a commitment to sobriety and change, than you'll notice a huge difference in 1-2 more years. It will be worth the investment. If you don't see a change by then - then be critical and decide the best thing for you. Stay positive.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:51 am

how to deal with difficult people= stare them straight in the eye. look evil. don't say ANYTHING. it will stop them. it is phychological. ..................malikye

Shal416 · Post by **Shal416** » Fri Mar 21, 2008 11:58 am

DebDebI am sorry I wasn't at all helping you for my latest melt down.
I have personal experience with alcoholics in recovery. Does he have a sponsor? He really needs one. Someone for him to talk to and a sponsor will not let him keep on as he is going. He has to work the steps. A yr. into recovery he ought to have the anger in check pretty much. If he doesn't have a sponsor and isn't actively wking the steps he is a dry drunk. He will still have the same behaviors he had when he drank. That is what the steps are
for to bring him to a more current time in his life to try and make ammends to himself and others. You would benefit from alnonsp? Has anyone told you about that prog.? They say that once a person starts drinking they stop growing-so depending whatever age he got started he is still thinking like that age does. You may be raisin another kid! Most people the starting age is about 18! Your H could be as young mentally as your oldest kid! And he is probably really mad at himself-and taking it out on you. After a yr there should not be a reason to walk on egg shells around him. Now if you said he was like 30 to 90 days into recovery I could reason that-but not a yr. Something isn't going right with this AA group. He has to unlearn the type of behavior he has developed while he was drinking. I believe his anger is more toward himself-but that is no excuse to treat you bad.Has he had a physical?in the last year? His drinking has changed alot of things and he could have a sugar problem-or sev other things from it. A good physical would help. But, be careful the Dr. doesn't give him something for his anxiety.
In AA they call the way he is acting-"stinkin' thinkin" and at the 1st sign he needs to call his sponsor. You can't sponsor him it needs to be another member of AA.
Life is too short-trust me-there is a good life for you to have and if he doesn't try harder on his behavior-he might just lose the only people who care about him.
I can help you with this if you want. I can even sponsor him-but he really needs someone close by. I have 15 yrs and today sober-it wasn't easy but the quality of life I was able to have after I admitted I had a problem was so worth it!
Please let me know if I can do anything to help.
I tried to post earlier to you - I hit post now and my post disappeared! Next time he starts his crap-just go.........hey, Hon, Easy Does It! That might make him look at you like you have 2 heads-but I bet it gets his attention! hahahahaha Eaaaaaaaaasy Does it Baby! LOL
I hope you will get back to me if you need to.
Always 4 HIM,
Deb ^J^
Romans: chapter 8