NEED HELP..ANX/DEP VS SEX DRIVE

jmw874 · Post by **jmw874** » Sun Feb 29, 2004 9:21 am

It is in yahoo groups called female sexual dysfunction

thiefonthecross · Post by **thiefonthecross** » Sun Feb 29, 2004 1:29 pm

Not to get too personal with you ladies,
but there are things that you probably can do for your husband that wouldn't require much in the way of desire.
Often a man appreciates "relief", even if there's no intercourse.
As long as a man can be "relieved" of pressure, the rest can be put on hold for a time.
Joe

jmw874 · Post by **jmw874** » Tue Mar 02, 2004 6:14 am

Just to try to explain more so that you can see why the last suggestion will not work. I could help with relief for my husband but in this case it wouldn't help any. My husband does not want that, he wants the whole package, but if it would be ok with him, it would not help me. I want to to have an urge for sex like I used to. The fact that I do not makes me feel empty. I have to find something that makes me "whole" again. Also, it has gotten so bad anymore that anything sexual I have an bad aversion to it. I have feelings like I am being raped. It is really bad and I do not even know how to explain it. I do not know if it comes from things that have happened to me in the past or if it has gotten worse just because I have been around a lot of men that have really bad views of women. That last part may not be 100% of it, but I can tell you that your (or at least my) views of sex get really skewed when you are a female around many men who look at women and sex if they are a sport. I know men that treat thier wives/girlfriends as if they are a piece of meat to just be used and passed around. I know not everyone is like this, but when I see it so much it really does mess with me mentally. It is something that I have to figure out how to make peace with. I guess a lot of it has to do with my expectations of people and how sex/love fall into the equation. It was an excellent suggestion though for someone who has a situation that would really benifit fron it such as not being able to have sex because of some type of physical pain or problems.

Jen

thiefonthecross · Post by **thiefonthecross** » Tue Mar 02, 2004 10:41 am

Jen,
I am sorry that you are feeling this way. It must be very painful for you.
My wife was not very sexual for many years of our marriage. I could've sworn that she had been molested, but she swears that she wasn't.
I think she was just so angry, and perhaps she had a hatred of men. Her father was very abusive. There were times when I had to stop her and say, "Hey, I'm not your father."
Things have been better the past number of years, but of course she is not always in the mood. But when she knows that I have been patiently waiting for a few days, she will help me in the area of relief.
Many men are "pigs". You are right about that. They view women as a piece of meat, as you said.
But there are also so many men that see sex as a way of showing affection and feeling connected to thier mate. Sure, sometimes we're just in the mood, but often it is our way of showing affection.
The only other thing I might suggest is the idea that women are "responders" by nature, and I have heard that even if a woman is not in the mood, their feelings often change if they respond to thier husbands advances. I have seen this with my wife at times.
Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, maybe it would help to write down how you are feeling about this part of your life. Maybe you are angry with your husband, and this is a subconcious way to express anger towards him.
Just a thought. Don't mean to over simplify anything....
God bless,
Joe

jmw874 · Post by **jmw874** » Thu Mar 04, 2004 5:07 am

Thanks for your reply. I really do think that it something that is going to take time for me to get through. The thoughtful words really help.

Jen

Lv2Lv · Post by **Lv2Lv** » Thu Mar 04, 2004 6:39 am

I want to share my experience with you about my relationship with my wife. I have been married for 12yrs now and noticed that our sex life was fading, not due to anxiety but due to normal life such as wrk, children etc. After being diagnosed with an anxiety/panic disorder 6 mos ago my life changed as I'm sure all our lives have. The one thing that helped me through my anxiety was that I made a huge change in the way I spent time with my family, espcially with my wife. I hold her in my arms more than ever, I spend more time lying in bed talking to her and caressing her. I realized that just by doing these things it not only helps me with my anxiety and panic attacks but it also helps my wife in reference to the way she feels sexually. Let me tell you that it has made a huge difference in our sex life. I have also listened to programs on the radio and TV about how women especially cannot turn on their sex drive as fast as a man, so do not think that this is all 100% caused by your anxiety. It can take just a few minutes to 10 minute for a man to help his wife get in the mood but he has to do his part also. Let me stress again, "The man has to do his part to help you". This part of a marraige or relationship is so very important but it takes two loving people not just one person that has a craving. I hope that he is loving and understanding toward you and please make sure to share your thoughts about how you feel so he can understand what his role should be in order for him to help you feel as pleasured as he does.

God Bless you

RONT · Post by **RONT** » Thu Mar 04, 2004 7:02 am

Jen, can you make uninterrupted time and just "talk" with your husband? BE SPECIFIC. Communication is key. Tell him that you love him but that you are going through a tough time right now. Let him know that it's not his fault, that you are struggling emotionally right now and in time things will improve. Do something else to show your love; a little note under his coffee cup, prepare a dinner he likes, a back rub. We guys are EXTREMELY ego driven. We feel easily thereatened when we can't perform or when our partner refuses. It's funny when sex is ok in a marriage you don't give it a second thought, but when there's a problem in that area it's all we focus on.....been there. Have a heart to heart talk w/him and see how he responds. He won't leave you if he loves you. all the best Ron

tchrist · Post by **tchrist** » Fri Mar 05, 2004 8:18 am

Ok Ladies I guess it is time for my two cents worth. I have had the same problem for several years now and my husband had been patient. He would never leave and we have other ways of being intimate. I do feel guilty sometime because my lack of libido has made me almost think of him as a sex addict. I happened to be thinking about this very thing yesterday and maybe had a break through. I think for me I have always wanted to stay in control keep everything under control so I could make sure the outcome would be ok, etc. I think the loss of libido for me has been caused by my anxiety and feeling my life with things and taking care of everybody that I was uncable of feeling the type of intimacy that comes with the sexual outlet. I also think that my compulsion for being in control all the times made me want to ward off any of his advances because I was not in control. His desire for sex also made me feel quilty which added to this anxiety which just compounded the problem. I feel and think with all my heart that once we can stay in the precious moment as taled about in the program this will no longer be a gigantic problem. It is hard to be intimate with someone when your mind is racing trying to control everything in your life and everybody else's life. Just a thought I would welcome any feed back. Love to all and know you are all in my thoughts.

jmw874 · Post by **jmw874** » Wed Mar 10, 2004 1:52 pm

Sorry I have not replied sooner but my husbands father passed away this past weekend and we have been out of town. This kind of thing really puts everything on hold. I really do agree with the last postings. It is something that we both have to work on, not just one of us. Also, to tchrist.. in some ways I have some of the same feelings that you do and I really understand.

Thanks again everyone,
Jen

ReturnToSerenity · Post by **ReturnToSerenity** » Sun Mar 23, 2008 7:15 am

ok. i have NO sex drive. im not on any medication. im perfectly healthy(physically healthy at least...) and im a 19 year old male. it makes no sense. i should have an unstoppable sex drive at this age. but i dont. i just feel empty. i know that my depression/anxiety has everything to do with my low sex drive but how do i get out of this hole? medications can have a lot of sexual side effects. how could the medication help me feel better if it doesnt get rid of one of the biggest symptoms of depression/anxiety?