Collecting insults, rude and cruel remarks.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike,

No, I don't blame myself for my son's suicide. I know that I gave this son love and attention from the day he was born, and of course before. He was different than my other children and when he wasn't talking at 3 years old, I had him tested with the school system, (the pre-kindergarten tests they like to do) He needed more testing and then qualified for Headstart Program through our school district. So I didn't have to pay for that.

Anyway, he got speech therapy and etc. They had a hard time diagnosing what all his problems were, but part of it was language processing. He difficulty processing language so this meant that as a mother I had to tell him things 3 different times, 3 different ways. Later, it was determined he had ADHD and was on Ritalin in Junior High and I think some time in elementary school. It took a while for the Teacher/Principal/Psychologist/RN/ round table discussion at the elementary school to actually say he might have ADD or ADHD and need some medication.
He did have caring teachers during some of his schooling, other times not so much. His middle school was the best, it was a chartered one. He did excell in Cross Country in the 6th grade. He was up with the 8th graders in speed and endurance.

Anyway, he suffered from bullies during his pre teen and teenager years and the worst was a Vice Principal at a Vo Tech school.

When he did mention that he didn't want to live at certain times I took him to see a Psychiatrist who put him on Adderall but he didn't like the way it made him feel. So he didn't take it. Anyway, certain events happened that lead up to his suicide due to bullies and school VP that embarrassed and humiliated him in front of his peers, that he didn't want to live if he had to go back to that school.

Anyway, he wrote in his suicide note loving things towards my husband and I and his family, but did name the culprit to his despair.

I of course, miss him terribly, as well as the family all those that truly knew him. As he was very loving and service oriented. I wore myself out in keeping myself busy and mainly working in my gardens and fish ponds, when I felt ready to do so. I took care of my Dad a year later after my son's death while he went through chemo for cancer. It took all my strength to give him care, more being at his house and taking care of meals and laundry and staying the night in the room near his.

This was when he asked me about money, and if I owed him any. I was a nervous wreck the whole time caring for him waiting for him to bring up something about money owed him. He had left my husband and I alone for at least year after my son died. That was a relief, but I knew my Dad too well to know that that would not last long and I under stress just being with him 24 hours everyday, except when another son would come over.

Just before my son's death, I noticed that my hand were beginning to hurt when I started a sewing project and when I played the piano. But when I had to start packing up my Dad's house after it had sold while he was still alive, my hands would just ache, it was the beginning of carpal tunnel syndrome and when I finally got tested the Dr told me I had been suffering from it for a long time and that I was off the charts!

I know it had to do with stress from many factors even before my son's death. More from my Dad's hounding us on a weekly basis. I'll report more on that as his comments would go great with what you are asking for. I wish then that I could have spoken up for myself back then like my husband could. My husband always says that it was him that my Dad was mad at...but that really doesn't help me feel better.

My father wasn't always that way with me as far as when I grew up, it was after I was married and some financial help came our way through him.

[NinjaFrodo]

Thats good that you aren't blaming yourself, I know it can be very easy to do that. I haven't dealt with that problem myself but somewhat the opposite. Because I had started an investigation over another family member who was a pedifile my mother's seizures were getting very frequent and she actually had one when nobody was around and suffocated. I had blamed myself for awhile but not so much anymore.

I'm really sorry and that is so very unfortunate, you must have so much anger towards those kids and the vice principal. The VPs really need to realize the affect they have on children, it really makes me angry with their ignorance. What happened with the kids and the vice principal? How did the school handle his death?

That must have been torture being around him and thinking about how he was going to continue to ask for money. Carpal tunnel can definately be painful however people can be misdiagnosed with it which is what I learned while working with a dr from beijin who treated people with acupuncture and twina/anma (massage like medical treatments). Best way to tell us by turning your arm so your hand is vertical and then bending your wrist so your hand goes down towards the floor. If there is pain then it isn't carpal tunnel but rather a tendon problem...more specifically the one in that little groove where the thumb meets the forearm. There are things you could do to help with that if thats what you have and are intrested to hear.

Sounds like it was more your fathers irrational thoughts instead of a lacking on your part. You know what would be better...doing some roleplaying where you could play the role of your father and I would play the role of you. You would start off with him saying something that would make you feel uncomfortable and I would have to find a way to diffuse his comments. This has the potential to be very liberating for you and we can reverse the roles. It has the potential to help you let go of the pain because we hang on to pain and relive situations because we feel we have to stop it from happening again so we keep trying to find some solution. If you are interested you could go to the assertiveness practice on lesson 7 of the forums and start there. I think it would be great practice for both of us.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Mike, you're right about the carpal tunnel. I can find the groove you are talking about. I think that would be good to use my Dad's words and role play. I also am having a problem with DH's comments. He went to see my Psychologist for the first time with me. The Dr was great at explaining G.A.D. to him and that is what I'm suffering from right now.

He showed his true colors which I could tell the Dr was quite upset with him, as he had been counseling me prior when my symptoms were off the roof. And he knows me and the things I've worked through since meeting him. Which was overcoming panicky feelings at a water park, going back on the road again by myself out of state, and other activities that were a part of my happiness that my family squelched.

This is the first morning that I really have not been woken up or felt the jittery or panicky sensations through my body. I can only contribute this to being on this website and being able to express my feelings and changing my diet to less sugar and chocolate to meals with protein, simple vegetables and fruit.

I was able to clean out my koi pond although suffering pain in my neck and hands. I was able to take an Advil and some B vitamins and felt much better than the first time I experienced neck and hand pain after this new beginning with G.A.D.

I do have to comment that I know what Bev is talking about that commercial about the drill sergeant as a therapist. My DH chuckled at it too, and I can see some of the humour in it, but do not think it is a therapeutic form of therapy. Maybe for the spoiled child such as the "Princesses" on Dr Phil the other day.

I'm so sorry about your mother. I would say that is a very sorrowful situation you have had to go through and live with not having her around. I'm glad that you are not blaming yourself. We cannot be with our children nor mothers every minute of the day and night. We can only do our best or what is humanly possible, since we are all flawed one way or another and can't possibly foresee all that is to come to pass.

And we know that we aren't meant to stay on earth forever, our bodies are made or meant to deteriorate eventually as we go through this life of testing. Thanks again for your comments.

[NinjaFrodo]

Who is DH?

Alright so you went to see the psychologist with this DH person who was told about the GAD and he had responded negatively to you despite all the hard work you did in overcoming your issues.

Oh good you didn't wake up feeling jittery and panicy for the first time in awhile and you changed your diet, thats great work!

Oh I actually missed that episode of dr.phil but i saw the preview. That one girl was so bossy and seemed like she expected everything her way and on a silver platter.

No we can't be there all the time or control the future of everybody. I hated my mother at the time, she was really ignorant and let me go through some horrible stuff.

Yeah thats true, our bodies aren't immortal.

as for the practicing...

Here is the thread

http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ev...8092001#598008092001

You are welcome to use the same style that THH has used.

Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Mike, DH stands for Dear Husband.
I'm sorry your mother was not there for you. That must be really hard as I can only go by how I was raised and my parents were pretty good considering
some of their flaws. I have to post now...Be back.

[NinjaFrodo]

ah alright and here I thought it was Drunken Husband. Not to say your husband is a drunk, my mind just starts to wander about certain abbreviations that I don't understand. I figured you were abbreviating it because of hostile feelings. So my bad.

It was very difficult. I had to raise myself and there were many times where I felt like the adult and she was like the child, it was really annoying especially when she didn't want to listen to reason and ignored what I had to say because of her own ego and pride. However since I raised myself, I got to pick and choose what I wanted for myself so it had alot of up sides to it.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Wow, I didn't know I could get an email notice. So I just got your email that you posted. Yep, husband is Dear, but sometimes he isn't but he definitely is not a drunkard. LOL!

I'm sorry that you had to be the adult with your mother. I have a sister who was like the child and so that meant that my parents raised my niece that she had out of wedlock, and I was in Junior High, and babysat her. My parents eventually got custody and then legally adopted her. So I understand a little bit of what you through, because my sister/niece has issues due to this.

One time while we were doing some yardwork when I was growing up, my niece asked me where my mother was. I told her that Grandma was my mother. I'm sure that was quite confusing to her. But she manage through thanks to my parents, although very old parents, and she is married with 6 children and working out her issues with the bio mom, etc.

Since her Bio mom still is unable to hold a job, etc. and her adopted parents (mine) have passed on a year after my son's death. So she sometimes always hopes that this bio mom will step up and be a Mom or Grandma. But that is a high expectation that probably is not going to happen.

I keep in contact with this sister, bio mom, and work very hard at just not judging or trying to change her. I just listen to her and just wonder how she does it. Or doesn't. But she is the one who put me onto Lucinda and she has her CD's but is not ready to listen to them. And that is her problem, some ADD along with some traumatic experiences and choices she makes and made. Keeps her to me, at a level of living that gives me the heebie, jeebies! But she manages...and if push comes to shove...I have enough siblings that could help her out. When the time is right, one just would have a hard time living with her.

Okay, I'm rambling a bit, lets put it this way, she is a "collector". She can go to an empty place with hardly any money and she will have that place filled up with stuff from dumpster diving or wherever. Then she wouldn't feel comfortbable having anyone come in to put a phone in or hook up her computer. That is why she isn't here, is she really can't use a computer, she has one, but doesn't know how to hook it up nor wants someone that does come over and hook it up.

So anyway, that is what our family deals with long distant, because she doesn't live near any of us. That would be too easy. But I feel for her and I stay in touch via the phone. Which I haven't done before since I had my own family to take care of and mourn. Plus I took care of our parents in their old age. So I've done my duty and out of love. Even though it wasn't always pleasant.

I knew that my Dad had his own hang ups in his ripe old age, and DH didn't not put of with my Dad's controlling. So we had interesting dinner dates. We invite my elderly parent over for a birthday dinner or something, then my Dad would take DH to another room and then there would yelling come out of it. My Dad would want his money, and DH would say, we don't have it yet, and so forth.

My Dad would insult DH and then leave and come back the next day or two and was happy and acted as if nothing ever happened. It was like he got an adrenaline rush from this argument, But it totally destroyed me. I couldn't believe that my Dad was like that when we were being so "good" at raising a family, being good and helpful people, and building a successful business.

But that is when I ended up with my first bout of deep depression and put on anti-depressants. We also when it was new, got caller I.D. so that we would know when my Dad was calling because I would be down for 3 days after a phone call from him, it was so nerve racking!

One time my sweet daughter at age 12 or younger, would call my Dad back and say What did you say to my Mom? She's crying. Then my Dad would call and apologize, which he use to do at the beginning. He had his sweet and tender ways, I think my DH just "got to him" along with my Dad always trying to "fix" my sick sister that couldn't hold a job and always needed money.

Well, I guess I'll end this here. But this has been cathartic! ;o)

[Gerri Ahart]

If you are still looking for insults here you go...

You suck as a wife
You need to go and have someone teach you how to be a better wife
I don't take you to functions because I am embarrassed to be seen with you
You are selfish
You are lazy
You are simple minded
You were raised in the Ranchos
You're not street smart
You haven't done anything like I have
You haven't decided to lose weight like your sister did

I guess that's enough for now... yuck they look even worse on the screen

[NinjaFrodo]

Wow poor niece. That sounds like it could get confusing if someone asks you who you 2 are related. Well if nothing changes with her real mother then she can't really jump in and be the kind of mother she needs.

That sounds really difficult for you to handle your sister. You mentioned that you try very hard not to judge her and you do your best to listen to what she has to say. She has the program and it could really help her out but she isn't doing it and that must feel really frustrating. I know for me I've tried to help people out and gave them some really wonderful information only for them to not use it and continue to complain! I've been in that situation before and honestly the best kind of help I've gotten from another person (besides the program because well i didn't Meet Lucinda) was them listening and really understanding where I was coming from. One of my instructors had given me this gift. Part of the trainning for that style of shiatsu was learning how to really listen. To see the situation in the eyes of that other person and to empathize with how they are feeling. This is why the communication is so important in my opinion.

Are the phone conversations very frustrating for you?

Thats a controlling thing. Your dad got power out of arguing and got the responses he was looking out of your husband so it makes sense he would act as if nothing happened and seem happy or at least satisfied. I'm sorry you've had such a hard time with your father and I would feel really down if I was in a situation like that myself. He called to appologize in the beginning that shows that there was some compassion there but the anger was more in the scene and blocked it. His hurt and expectations sounded like they overpowered the positive emotions which tells me that he had alot of problems that were screaming to be dealt with and he wasn't paying attention to them and not facing them.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Gerri Ahart;

Thank you and yes I am still looking for more insults for my assertiveness practice. I feel the intensity of those insults and I'm assuming these were insults directed at you as they are all related to each other. If this is true then I am sorry that they are directed at you, you don't deserve to be talked down to like that. You deserve respect and understanding and it doesn't sound like you're getting that from the other person and it sounds like that other person seems to be upset but isn't really talking about what upsets him! It sounds like he's blaming his problems on you instead of stating how he is bothered with some of your behaviors and he also isn't asking for what he needs he. He sounds like he is demanding you change when it sounds more realistic that he change (at least with his approach to handling issues). Is this a correct assumption?


Mike