You go girl, let your sister deal with your mom on her boundaries and you focus on your boundaries with your mom. Believe me it will take all your energy to keep your boundaries with your mom. It was ten years ago that I stopped going to her house for dinner. I have her and my stepdad to my house all the time and guess what they don't clean up. hehehe But I have to say I am still dealing with her-the way I allow her to make me feel is what I am continually changing. I always felt I had to do things because it was my "job as her daughter" is a big struggle for me also. Hang in there!
PS: When my mom & stepdad travel, they expect me to take them to the airport and pick them up.
Expect is the key word here. I had to put an end to that also. It sounds so mean when I type it out.
Spoke assertively to my mom!
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Guest
Hi all- It's interesting to hear from others who go thru the same thing. I had typed a response but lost it somewhere in the computer, so I'll try again.
I think it's interesting how parents/grandparents expect that we will bend over backward to do anything they demand of us. If I had grown up in a loving, demonstrative home I would probably feel differently about helping out and would have a better relationship where I could communicate without fear. But- I didn't. My grandma, dad and mom basically came from and raised me with the Kids are to be seen and not heard and to do chores. I think that is where my panic really got a foothold. I was sensitive and then when I got dumped by a dumb boyfriend that I thought I loved with all my heart and now my life was over-- there were no words of sorrow, no hugs, no acknowlegement at all. So- I heaped all that rejection and shame inside and didn't talk about it. And I wasn't to question or discuss or really make my own decisions at all so it wasn't until really after college when I started putting my foot down and practicing being an adult. I ideally should have been doing that when I was a teen, so I was good at it when I got out of the house.
Today, I try to be respectful of their feelings and keep my distance a bit. I tend to blurt too much when I "feel close" and sometimes get burned so I am learning to not share all. And I am realizing that their moods are not usually about me. It's their issues in their lives or their aching back or whatever that they are crabby about and I am the poor dog who gets kicked.
It's interesting too that I have a younger sister (3.5 yrs) who lives in Europe. She comes to visit about yearly. She will invade my folks house with her kids (3 of them) and expect my folks to do all the cooking, all the planning, all the laundry, all the child care--- while she goes shopping because of the great exchange rate with the Euro or she "works" so that she doesn't have to count the time as her vacation time. She only gets about 8-9 weeks a year. I see my dad and mom get cranked up about getting the house "ready" and wanting to make plans to do something with the grandkids and wanting me to be involved in planning, etc. and they just take her crap. I do not anymore. She deigned to "talk" to me about 10 minutes out of an entire week that they were here and I decided that she missed out. I did not. I am an awesome person and she is shallow as a kitchen sink. Her loss.
Anyway- I see them acting like they expect me to act. I guess that is the only way they know, and they won't educate themselves on a way to be different because it basically is working for them.
I also try with them, and my 4 kids, to not babble as much. I decide something and say it and just shut up. If I ramble on and on, then they feel free to argue and debate. This way it puts the ball in their court and I am done or I can respond again if I choose to.
Good luck everyone and have a great day.
I think it's interesting how parents/grandparents expect that we will bend over backward to do anything they demand of us. If I had grown up in a loving, demonstrative home I would probably feel differently about helping out and would have a better relationship where I could communicate without fear. But- I didn't. My grandma, dad and mom basically came from and raised me with the Kids are to be seen and not heard and to do chores. I think that is where my panic really got a foothold. I was sensitive and then when I got dumped by a dumb boyfriend that I thought I loved with all my heart and now my life was over-- there were no words of sorrow, no hugs, no acknowlegement at all. So- I heaped all that rejection and shame inside and didn't talk about it. And I wasn't to question or discuss or really make my own decisions at all so it wasn't until really after college when I started putting my foot down and practicing being an adult. I ideally should have been doing that when I was a teen, so I was good at it when I got out of the house.
Today, I try to be respectful of their feelings and keep my distance a bit. I tend to blurt too much when I "feel close" and sometimes get burned so I am learning to not share all. And I am realizing that their moods are not usually about me. It's their issues in their lives or their aching back or whatever that they are crabby about and I am the poor dog who gets kicked.
It's interesting too that I have a younger sister (3.5 yrs) who lives in Europe. She comes to visit about yearly. She will invade my folks house with her kids (3 of them) and expect my folks to do all the cooking, all the planning, all the laundry, all the child care--- while she goes shopping because of the great exchange rate with the Euro or she "works" so that she doesn't have to count the time as her vacation time. She only gets about 8-9 weeks a year. I see my dad and mom get cranked up about getting the house "ready" and wanting to make plans to do something with the grandkids and wanting me to be involved in planning, etc. and they just take her crap. I do not anymore. She deigned to "talk" to me about 10 minutes out of an entire week that they were here and I decided that she missed out. I did not. I am an awesome person and she is shallow as a kitchen sink. Her loss.
Anyway- I see them acting like they expect me to act. I guess that is the only way they know, and they won't educate themselves on a way to be different because it basically is working for them.
I also try with them, and my 4 kids, to not babble as much. I decide something and say it and just shut up. If I ramble on and on, then they feel free to argue and debate. This way it puts the ball in their court and I am done or I can respond again if I choose to.
Good luck everyone and have a great day.
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Guest
lisa1, that made me laugh when you said they expect you to drop them off and pick them up at the airport, ME TOO!,hehe I don't mind from time to time, like anything else. There just needs to be balance.
newrunner,
Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot growing up. Well I can certainly tell you've grown into a very adult, mature role. Good for you. When you said they act the way they expect you to act, I believe my mom is the same way. It's like they don't know any different. But even if they don't, I think they should still respect how YOU feel. You don't have to act the same way as they do and I'm sure you're still a loving, caring person, as I am.
I need some advice ladies. This saga just never ends! So it stands that I'm house sitting for one week, I stood my ground. But now, my sister is saying she's taking the dog over to her place for the other week and a half and TOLD me that I will then be going over to my mom's place to water the flowers and bring in the mail. I'm torn between, saying I'll go a couple times during the week on my lunch break or saying, no. I guess I'm still struggling with boundaries and how far to go with it and when it is okay to say yes?
newrunner,
Wow, it sounds like you've been through a lot growing up. Well I can certainly tell you've grown into a very adult, mature role. Good for you. When you said they act the way they expect you to act, I believe my mom is the same way. It's like they don't know any different. But even if they don't, I think they should still respect how YOU feel. You don't have to act the same way as they do and I'm sure you're still a loving, caring person, as I am.
I need some advice ladies. This saga just never ends! So it stands that I'm house sitting for one week, I stood my ground. But now, my sister is saying she's taking the dog over to her place for the other week and a half and TOLD me that I will then be going over to my mom's place to water the flowers and bring in the mail. I'm torn between, saying I'll go a couple times during the week on my lunch break or saying, no. I guess I'm still struggling with boundaries and how far to go with it and when it is okay to say yes?
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Guest
My suggestion is to do what you must to get thru this time. But next time make it clear with your mom what you will and will not do before they ever leave town and then stick to it. The bad thing about now is they left town and everything wasn't settled before they left? At least that is how I understand it??
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Guest
She had told me only a week before they left but originally it sounded like my sister was going to keep the dog at her place (I live in an apartment) but now they don't want him staying with them so she she we had to split the house sitting/dog sitting. I discussed this with her about 3 days before they left. And now that my sister is changing her plans again, you're right, they're gone and what are they going to do now. But I think the problem stemmed from me telling my mom exactly what I wanted to do and how I felt and she did not communicate that to my sister. Which only prolonged the issue.
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Guest
Your sister needs to do what she said she would do and not expect you to bail her out if she changes her mind. You are exactly right about the problem stemming from the agreement with your mom about your responsibilities. It sounds like you have to set boundaries not only with your mom but also your sister..Hang in there!
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Guest
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Guest
Thanks guys! I think you're right, I have to stay assertive and stick with the original plan. It's so hard because like you mentioned, newrunner, we're people pleasers and it's only natural for me to want to rescue my sister. But by "helping" her, I am enabling her again. Then when my mom comes back home, she'll think it all worked out, when really my mom needs to take care of things. It's been SO hard, I've had to be assertive with pretty much every close family member. I know in the long run it really is best for everyone and my sister can thank me in the future when she doesn't have to house sit all of the time.
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Guest
P&P
You did an amazing job simply for being assertive and you deserve to feel great for that. It may not have given you the outcome but you did it.
One thing with alot of people is when they don't get their way they try to guilt trip and that is exactly what she is trying to do. Stick to your assertiveness, put your foot down and do not buy into the guilt.
There is one technique called the broken record technique and that is where you say something assertively and someone may try to guilt trip you and such but you continue to repeat that assertive messages. You can say "I understand that but...I do not appreciate how I am being expected to housesit for you all the time. I do not feel like you are considering my needs and I don't appreciate being told last minute and i'm sorry I cannot house sit for you this time." Say how you feel, don't get detailed as to why you cannot do something and just repeat that. She may even suggest that you should do it because she raised you and you owe her but does that really mean you should give up your own rights and needs? How long before that debt is paid off? What about when she was raised did she not get the same things growing up?
Let her be angry. You are doing nobody any favors by giving in. She will be angry and this is not something that is your fault. It is her responsibility not yours. you are likely to feel guilty but keep pushing through it. You have the right to take care of yourself. By sticking to your guns you are changing how someone reacts to you and it can take a little while but she isn't going to stop loving you just because you were assertive with her. She may be angry for awhile but she has a brain and she will really realize what she has done.
Keep in mind and you could even say this to her as well. You are not the only person in the world that can house sit. If they have enough money to travel all over the place then they have enough money to hire someone else to house sit and dog sit. They are fully capable of asking other people. and if it comes down to it and they force you into a situation where nobody else is taking responsibility you could just take care of the dog instead of the whole house. If they come back and get angry just remind them that you had already told them you wouldn't do it and that it is their responsibility not yours.
Mike
You did an amazing job simply for being assertive and you deserve to feel great for that. It may not have given you the outcome but you did it.
One thing with alot of people is when they don't get their way they try to guilt trip and that is exactly what she is trying to do. Stick to your assertiveness, put your foot down and do not buy into the guilt.
There is one technique called the broken record technique and that is where you say something assertively and someone may try to guilt trip you and such but you continue to repeat that assertive messages. You can say "I understand that but...I do not appreciate how I am being expected to housesit for you all the time. I do not feel like you are considering my needs and I don't appreciate being told last minute and i'm sorry I cannot house sit for you this time." Say how you feel, don't get detailed as to why you cannot do something and just repeat that. She may even suggest that you should do it because she raised you and you owe her but does that really mean you should give up your own rights and needs? How long before that debt is paid off? What about when she was raised did she not get the same things growing up?
Let her be angry. You are doing nobody any favors by giving in. She will be angry and this is not something that is your fault. It is her responsibility not yours. you are likely to feel guilty but keep pushing through it. You have the right to take care of yourself. By sticking to your guns you are changing how someone reacts to you and it can take a little while but she isn't going to stop loving you just because you were assertive with her. She may be angry for awhile but she has a brain and she will really realize what she has done.
Keep in mind and you could even say this to her as well. You are not the only person in the world that can house sit. If they have enough money to travel all over the place then they have enough money to hire someone else to house sit and dog sit. They are fully capable of asking other people. and if it comes down to it and they force you into a situation where nobody else is taking responsibility you could just take care of the dog instead of the whole house. If they come back and get angry just remind them that you had already told them you wouldn't do it and that it is their responsibility not yours.
Mike
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Guest
if it helps check out my affirmation script on responsibility. There are alot of affirmations that would help you out alot there.
http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ev...2/m/263004951001/p/1
Mike
http://bbs.stresscenter.com/ev...2/m/263004951001/p/1
Mike