Relationship fears, doubts etc.
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Guest
This will happen mostly when your relationship is at a boring standstill. I had physical therapy last year and I could not wait to go because I was literally in love with my therapist. He was also attracted to me; unfortunately, we are both married. I still think of him often and have ran into him here and there and it is soooo hard because I cannot get him out of my head. I went over the thoughts over and over-- am I living 60% when I could be living 100%? I became obsessed with my horoscope again because it is always dead on. It did not help matters that he and I are a perfect match. If something is meant to be, there will be signs and it will or will not happen. If you are in a current relationship or marriage, try doing something fun that you have not done. For example, my husband and I went to a jacuzzi suite for New Year's and it was sooo nice. Things have been very good since then. He was totally aware of my feelings for my therapist too, so I was not hiding anything and did not have guilt about that. It is NEVER to late to change or move on until you are dead---remember that!
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Guest
EvieGirl, I can understand why you wouldn't want to bare all for fear of scaring him away. I do think though that the more it is hidden the worse and worse it becomes. I tried to hide how anxious I was from my husband and family because I didn't want them to think of me as "weak" (I also had mild depression along with my anxiety) and the anxiety of hiding the anxiety heightened the anxiety! What a mess! When I finally told my beloved he said "Well, let's figure out what we can do to get you to feeling better." Wow. What a relief. And no, he didn't think of me as weak at all. I also remember telling my mother-in-law and she just laughed, gave me a big hug and said, "Well, I could figure that out!". The she told me she loved me. What another relief. Sunday dinners became enjoyable again. 
Now, that being said, we've been married eleven years and in our early relationship he would wonder why I might be crying. (I was a big cryer when I felt overwhelmed). It frustrated him because he didn't know why or couldn't help me "fix" it, so as a result I felt he didn't understand me and he felt mad because I resorted to crying. Now that I know what I know about me, I can see now that crying was an outlet for my anxiety and fear and I also saw I wasn't effectively communicating with him. I had to learn skills to communicate better in an assertive way (I read books and articles on this subject and studied people who seemed to communicate well).
He has had to be patient with me just as much as I had to with him. We've both dealt with anxiety and depression in our own ways (he used to drink and has since been a recovering alcoholic for 10 years). And that's how it is in any relationship. How are we willing to grow together in support of each other for the better of this relationship? New love is so awesome, but eventually, it has to yield to true love--seeing someone as they are.
Hope my story has helped a little. There is so much that is special about you and right now, your depression/anxiety seems like a huge thing that it's blocking you from seeing the great things about yourself. Realize he is not perfect either and that's okay. NObody is! If he's worth it, he'll love you for who you are and vice versa. Peace to you on THIS day!
Now, that being said, we've been married eleven years and in our early relationship he would wonder why I might be crying. (I was a big cryer when I felt overwhelmed). It frustrated him because he didn't know why or couldn't help me "fix" it, so as a result I felt he didn't understand me and he felt mad because I resorted to crying. Now that I know what I know about me, I can see now that crying was an outlet for my anxiety and fear and I also saw I wasn't effectively communicating with him. I had to learn skills to communicate better in an assertive way (I read books and articles on this subject and studied people who seemed to communicate well).
He has had to be patient with me just as much as I had to with him. We've both dealt with anxiety and depression in our own ways (he used to drink and has since been a recovering alcoholic for 10 years). And that's how it is in any relationship. How are we willing to grow together in support of each other for the better of this relationship? New love is so awesome, but eventually, it has to yield to true love--seeing someone as they are.
Hope my story has helped a little. There is so much that is special about you and right now, your depression/anxiety seems like a huge thing that it's blocking you from seeing the great things about yourself. Realize he is not perfect either and that's okay. NObody is! If he's worth it, he'll love you for who you are and vice versa. Peace to you on THIS day!
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Guest
Hi Everyone,
Wow.. Eevie and Farmgirl, you two are amazing..ONB and Crazycatlady THANK YOU for sharing.. although I fear these posting have made me more confused.
I am in a relationship of 3 full years and we are true 'companions' but there are many fundemental aspects of our relationship missing- no communication, no sexual spice (no romance- sex maybe every other month if lucky), no 'partnership'(no joint bank accounts, no joint at all), we dont share friends or really go out together, never have.. I have been considering moving on as well.. I have a friend who adores me and is wonderful (he isnt aware of all of my issues yet although I think he'll be ok with it- 10+ age difference-but get along really well! I am accepting of my issues and dont feel he can say anything to hinder that)- I am not one for running from one relationship into another- but I am excited about living alone again! is that wrong? my current relationship is very backwards- mother-son and im the man, hes the wife (traditionally speaking) -- I go to work and support most of the extras, he is self employed and doesnt work much at all.. he is in his PJs when I leave each morning, he plays in his shop all day but doesnt REALLY do anything around the house unless I 'nag' him like a son.. he is aware of the program and my disorder but does nothing to help, I say he accepts but doesnt understand- he has a great family who he is super close with, I have basically no family.. major differences I am a 'survivor' by nature, and he doesnt know what that means..
So what do I do eh? I am stressed out but am trying to 'go with the flow' and look for apartments for myself.. use my good male friend as a step (I moved away from all my friends and family for work and he's the only outside friend I have-) but he knows my situation so doesnt put pressure on me (we enjoy life together very much).. and I try not dwell on things. Does anyone have any similar experiences? or advice? I cannot stay in a relationship simply b.c. it isnt 'bad' or am I fooling myself that the grass is greener and its not? I am in my midtwenties and am starting to look for a husband and potentially have kids but where I am now and have been for the last few years isnt 'growing' I couldnt even think of changing jobs b.c. I am the breadwinner and have no support (he refuses to work somewhere that isnt doing what his business is..) so frustrating!
ONB- I have fallen in and out of love many times in the last few years with my current man.. I know it is possible- (congrats for working it out!) but do you think there is a fine line where you call 'fall out' too much?
I may sound confused, which I am but appreciate everyones advice, time and sharing.. I find this forum so 'healing'!
Cheers!
Wow.. Eevie and Farmgirl, you two are amazing..ONB and Crazycatlady THANK YOU for sharing.. although I fear these posting have made me more confused.
I am in a relationship of 3 full years and we are true 'companions' but there are many fundemental aspects of our relationship missing- no communication, no sexual spice (no romance- sex maybe every other month if lucky), no 'partnership'(no joint bank accounts, no joint at all), we dont share friends or really go out together, never have.. I have been considering moving on as well.. I have a friend who adores me and is wonderful (he isnt aware of all of my issues yet although I think he'll be ok with it- 10+ age difference-but get along really well! I am accepting of my issues and dont feel he can say anything to hinder that)- I am not one for running from one relationship into another- but I am excited about living alone again! is that wrong? my current relationship is very backwards- mother-son and im the man, hes the wife (traditionally speaking) -- I go to work and support most of the extras, he is self employed and doesnt work much at all.. he is in his PJs when I leave each morning, he plays in his shop all day but doesnt REALLY do anything around the house unless I 'nag' him like a son.. he is aware of the program and my disorder but does nothing to help, I say he accepts but doesnt understand- he has a great family who he is super close with, I have basically no family.. major differences I am a 'survivor' by nature, and he doesnt know what that means..
So what do I do eh? I am stressed out but am trying to 'go with the flow' and look for apartments for myself.. use my good male friend as a step (I moved away from all my friends and family for work and he's the only outside friend I have-) but he knows my situation so doesnt put pressure on me (we enjoy life together very much).. and I try not dwell on things. Does anyone have any similar experiences? or advice? I cannot stay in a relationship simply b.c. it isnt 'bad' or am I fooling myself that the grass is greener and its not? I am in my midtwenties and am starting to look for a husband and potentially have kids but where I am now and have been for the last few years isnt 'growing' I couldnt even think of changing jobs b.c. I am the breadwinner and have no support (he refuses to work somewhere that isnt doing what his business is..) so frustrating!
ONB- I have fallen in and out of love many times in the last few years with my current man.. I know it is possible- (congrats for working it out!) but do you think there is a fine line where you call 'fall out' too much?
I may sound confused, which I am but appreciate everyones advice, time and sharing.. I find this forum so 'healing'!
Cheers!
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Guest
I can realte to all of your confusion.....I myself have had theses thoughts for the past few months, going over and over them in my mind...What I suggest as my therapist had mentioned, Don't make any impulse decision on what you are feeling at the moment.....I appreciate my husband, but feel at times I would be hapier somewhere else, and if I leave, maybe the OCD/Anxiety would go away, and I would BREAK/Free this is a complicated question...Does your A&D get worse because of your situation, maybe you should ask yourself that....I could use advuce from others on this topic as well...
Patricia
Patricia
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Guest
Maeggie, your post is interesting because it seems you've answered your own question about wanting to stay with this guy.
You mentioned there isn't necessarily anything "bad" about him. I don't think a guy has to be "bad", and here I'm assuming we are talking about a beater, druggie, verbal abuser, etc., to be a bad choice for you. Based on what you have written, it doesn't sound like he supports the other side of a relationship (you) and is enjoying the just the fringe benefits of someone else taking care of stuff for him. Can you identify what attracted you two in the first place?
I think a good relationship is one is which both partners compliment each other and are willing to help each other grow to their best potential. You can have different interests, but if you really don't share anything in common except that you live in the same place, then that to me isn't really a good relationship. How does he love you? (you mentioned you've fallen in a out of love). I know there are times when I surely haven't liked my husband--and I think these are those times we see that green grass the most. But what is the REAL issue?
Perhaps you need to define what fundamentals really are important that you should share. Can you see this guy as a future father for your children? Will he be the primary bread earner or will you? If it's you as the bread earner, then can you see him taking care of the kids at home in a nuturing way? Does he really nurture you? Will he shift this nurturing to his "close family?" How will that effect your relationship? And that you have with your future children? I could go on.....
Each day is a precious present moment...how has he shared in this living with you? Does he delight in you the person or you the person who takes care of him?
I wish you well on your discernment....peace to you on THIS precious present day. BTW, thank for your kind words in your opening .....
You mentioned there isn't necessarily anything "bad" about him. I don't think a guy has to be "bad", and here I'm assuming we are talking about a beater, druggie, verbal abuser, etc., to be a bad choice for you. Based on what you have written, it doesn't sound like he supports the other side of a relationship (you) and is enjoying the just the fringe benefits of someone else taking care of stuff for him. Can you identify what attracted you two in the first place?
I think a good relationship is one is which both partners compliment each other and are willing to help each other grow to their best potential. You can have different interests, but if you really don't share anything in common except that you live in the same place, then that to me isn't really a good relationship. How does he love you? (you mentioned you've fallen in a out of love). I know there are times when I surely haven't liked my husband--and I think these are those times we see that green grass the most. But what is the REAL issue?
Perhaps you need to define what fundamentals really are important that you should share. Can you see this guy as a future father for your children? Will he be the primary bread earner or will you? If it's you as the bread earner, then can you see him taking care of the kids at home in a nuturing way? Does he really nurture you? Will he shift this nurturing to his "close family?" How will that effect your relationship? And that you have with your future children? I could go on.....
Each day is a precious present moment...how has he shared in this living with you? Does he delight in you the person or you the person who takes care of him?
I wish you well on your discernment....peace to you on THIS precious present day. BTW, thank for your kind words in your opening .....
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Guest
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Guest
WOW thats a lot of information to process but Im going to try.
Maggie. you are making such great strides in your fight to overcome your anxiety and thats so great. Along with that sometimes we find that what we've been doing and who we've been doing it with is also a part of our problem. It is very possible in my opinion to love someone but not be inlove any longer.
Maybe you could try a seperation. See what life is like apart. If the heart does grow fonder for you as you put distance between you. If he feels the need to try harder to be the Man of your dreams. Sometimes we as a couple get comfortable and forget to give the attention we need to the other.
My husband and I seperated for almost 8 months about 4 years after we were married. I never said the words we should seperate I just left and moved to my Moms one day after miscarrying our first child. I felt that it was over in my head and in my heart. We were so disconnected and maybe we just shouldnt have done this.
Time helped me to gain clarity....clarity with the miscarriage, clarity that I did love him not the idea of him the actual him.
Love and marriage werent the fantasy I had in my mind but I realized that it is respect and kindness and a genuine desire to be with one antoher. We did reunite and buy a new house and start all over again. We had several hard issues in our marriage but this time we overcame them as a couple not two people living together. This made a huge difference.
Weve been together for 15 years now and I love him with all that I am. We have two adorable children and I am gratefull for the life we have created.
Sometimes it doesnt turn out so perfect but all endings are happy if they are what makes YOU happy.
Good luck to you and I share my tiny story with you as an option to consider.
Your all stronger than you see yourselves....start seeing those visions of your strength it will come to you if you think it.
dodger
Maggie. you are making such great strides in your fight to overcome your anxiety and thats so great. Along with that sometimes we find that what we've been doing and who we've been doing it with is also a part of our problem. It is very possible in my opinion to love someone but not be inlove any longer.
Maybe you could try a seperation. See what life is like apart. If the heart does grow fonder for you as you put distance between you. If he feels the need to try harder to be the Man of your dreams. Sometimes we as a couple get comfortable and forget to give the attention we need to the other.
My husband and I seperated for almost 8 months about 4 years after we were married. I never said the words we should seperate I just left and moved to my Moms one day after miscarrying our first child. I felt that it was over in my head and in my heart. We were so disconnected and maybe we just shouldnt have done this.
Time helped me to gain clarity....clarity with the miscarriage, clarity that I did love him not the idea of him the actual him.
Love and marriage werent the fantasy I had in my mind but I realized that it is respect and kindness and a genuine desire to be with one antoher. We did reunite and buy a new house and start all over again. We had several hard issues in our marriage but this time we overcame them as a couple not two people living together. This made a huge difference.
Weve been together for 15 years now and I love him with all that I am. We have two adorable children and I am gratefull for the life we have created.
Sometimes it doesnt turn out so perfect but all endings are happy if they are what makes YOU happy.
Good luck to you and I share my tiny story with you as an option to consider.
Your all stronger than you see yourselves....start seeing those visions of your strength it will come to you if you think it.
dodger
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Guest
Wow thanks all for all the responses. I was unaware that my question was hijacked in such a merry way. I am surprised that so many of you women have such a similar dilemma, but perhaps it is because there are more of you on this forum?
I would humbly like to share some ideas I have about dealing with this that I thought about in the past week:
1. Don't be afraid of being single: I think a lot of our fear stems from this; ironically, if one is not afraid of this, relationships tend to be stronger. Many of us are afraid that we will push someone away and then regret it and then be miserable, but remember that EVEN IF the worst case happens, we can get up, brush off the dust, learn about ourselves from the experience, and get back to enjoying life.
2. Grass may be greener, but will you be happier? Ok there are probably several hundred million people in the world that would fit the criteria of your "partner", and I bet some of them are sexier, warmer, and share more interests with you that your current partner. So what? Would you be happier with them? Think hard about it; would you not find flaws in them as well? Perhaps you would even fear more with being someone so perfect? I think happiness comes more from the inside, from appreciating what we have already, from feeling lucky about our very opportunity to live and enjoy someone's love and company. You cannot earn it by having a better house, car, job, or "better" husband/wife.
Ahh I gotta run, thanks again for all your stories!
I would humbly like to share some ideas I have about dealing with this that I thought about in the past week:
1. Don't be afraid of being single: I think a lot of our fear stems from this; ironically, if one is not afraid of this, relationships tend to be stronger. Many of us are afraid that we will push someone away and then regret it and then be miserable, but remember that EVEN IF the worst case happens, we can get up, brush off the dust, learn about ourselves from the experience, and get back to enjoying life.
2. Grass may be greener, but will you be happier? Ok there are probably several hundred million people in the world that would fit the criteria of your "partner", and I bet some of them are sexier, warmer, and share more interests with you that your current partner. So what? Would you be happier with them? Think hard about it; would you not find flaws in them as well? Perhaps you would even fear more with being someone so perfect? I think happiness comes more from the inside, from appreciating what we have already, from feeling lucky about our very opportunity to live and enjoy someone's love and company. You cannot earn it by having a better house, car, job, or "better" husband/wife.
Ahh I gotta run, thanks again for all your stories!