Ever get really mad then later wonder what your problem was?

Lenore · Post by **Lenore** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 1:41 am

I know what y'all are referring to - I was there @ 1 time myself - not just during my journey to recovery fr anxiety disorder & depression - but for MANY YEARS PRIOR. I'm not "there" any longer.

I remember telling my psychiatrist, during our initial therapy sessions back in 2005, "I feel like I need to fight the world. Like I need to defend myself against everybody. I have a very short fuse." I had no patience or tolerance for anything other than what I had deemed appropriate behavior/actions towards me. If it fell short - well, IT WAS ON = I WAS ON. Well, hell - y'all know the world & other people - we can't control them(cept I didn't realize this back then & for all them years). So, I WAS ON all the time. Makes ya pretty darn tired. Most importantly, that also means I was in a "bad/cranky mood" ALL TOO OFTEN. That is not good - looking back now guys, I tell ya, IT DIDN'T FEEL GOOD EITHER.

I am pretty sure, in my particular case, I know WHY. I wasn't feeling good: unbeknownst to me, I had all these surpressed negative emotions inside of me = anger + emotional pain + fear + lord have mercy - the deepest resentmentyou could imagine. I had carried them for years - & - they were waying heavy on me. Quite frankly, w/o even realizing it, emotionally, I WAS VERY OVER-WHELMED.

That is why, in APR 2005, anxiety disorder triggered. I was diagnosed w/ anxiety disorder + panic attacks + PTSD. Well heck, if I wasn't feeling emotionally swell b/4 - anxiety disorder was the emotional "icing on the cake" - I definitely wasn't feeling good then. You simply don't feel physically & emotionally good when you are experiencing the worst of anxiety disorder &/or depression. Both of these ailments will wear you out & wear you dwn in every which way you could imagine. They totally effect your quality of life. So, when I was not feeling good - I ACTED OUT. Now, I was so caught up in all this mess - I wasn't able to see how bad my temper really was & how little patience I had for not only myself - but w/ others. I was so caught up in this mess - I didn't know different or better - I THOUGHT I WAS TOTALLY RIGHT MAJORITY OF THE TIMES - I THOUGHT "YOU WERE THE 1 WHO WAS WRONG & YOU WERE THE 1 W/ THE PROBLEM, NOT ME". As a result of all these things combined, I was in a pretty pissed off mood - too often. I had perfected this way of acting/reacting for many years. So that, it was 2nd nature to me & for me - an assumed 1 unfortunately. This simply means I over-reacted all the time, w/ all things. If you think about it for a moment, when we don't feel good for whatever the reason (flu + headaches + belly ache/pms - lol, etc) we are cranky - so, we then act out - more often than not, w/ those closest to us. Not feeling good(irrevalent to the cause), makes ya ANGRY.

For me, once I started the journey to recovery via therapy, is when I started to find MY OWN ANSWERS. Once I began addressing events I feared - events fr yrs gone by that I feared remembering or accepting as truth = actually happening, is when I started the beginning of my FEELING BETTER. When I started to rid myself, gradually, of all the surpressed/negative emotions, I began to FEEL BETTER. When I did rid myself of those respective emotions, I was then able to learn to have a healthier & more realistic perspective on various events I had lived through. Consquently, I was then able to PARLAY THAT KNOWLEDGE into my reaction to CURRENT TIMES & how I chose to react. The more I healed + the more I unburdened myself of those negative emotions + the more I CHANGED, the better I did feel.

I personally needed to addess the WHY'S behind my anxiety disorder & depression, b/4 I could then go about changing myself. My changing myself, came 2nd. Getting @ the WHY'S 1st, helped me in preventing them fr constantly regurgitating themselves over & over again throughout my life. My WHY'S created my BEHAVIORS. I am not justifying them - not at all. MY understanding them was an invaluable tool in my recovery. Once I went thru the therapy process - the FOG CLEARED. I had a very poignant moment (literlly right b/4 I ordered Lucinda's program) where I said to myself "Lenore, there are things about you that need to change. These negative aspects of your personality are of no benefit to us - they are more honestly, a hinderance. If you want to feel better - it is you who is responsible for you - not he/she/they/them - you. If you want to feel better - CHANGE YOU." cross my heart honest, it was right then & there I ordered the program. You see, I didn't see anything wrong w/ me prior to anxiety disorder triggering. However, once I went thru therapy & unburdened myself w/ all those surpressed emotions, I COULD SEE/FEEL CLEARER.
KAREOKE(just like that song fr yrs ago): "I can see clearly now the rain is gone, I can see all obstacles in my way..." - come on, you all know that song. I could then see those aspects of my personality that required changing. Because I TRULY DID WANT TO "FEEL BETTER", I was WILLING & READY for self responsibility & accountability. I started Lucinda's program(NOV 2006) & completed it the 1st time in MARCH 2007.

I tell ya, if I ever were to meet Lucinda, I don't know if I'd want to hug her 1st her give her a ^^^^^^^5 man - BIG TIME. The more I changed, the better I felt. Coming fr the perspective of having experiened the worst that anxiety disorder & depression had to offer me, FEELING GOOD FEELS DAMN GOOD. By me changing myself, I changed my life. There were PARTICULAR benefits(things learned) of me changing myself - as it relates to ANGER, that I'd like to mention:

- This journey afforded me the GIFT (yes it is 1 trust me, I beg you) of me GETTING CONTROL OVER MY EMOTIONS. This includes, as Lucinda describes in her program, how I: act + react + my anger + my expectations of myself & others so that they are much more realistic & healthy + my thinking + my perceptions of self/others/life + my CHOOSING not to "wallow" &/or "dwell" in all things/ anything indefinitely + stress mgt + forgivness + letting go & moving on + MAD/PASSIONATE love of self - the most important thing of all + me taking care of me (via whatever & any means necessary) & NOT looking to others, whether it is my husband + our family + friends - to create my happiness. I am responsible for me.

- I don't take things so darn PERSONALLY all the time. By me getting in control or having better control over my emotions, I was then able to learn this = NOT TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY. Before, I assumed a person's "unperfect" actions/behavior towards me were some silly personal vendetta toward me. This applied to hubby + our family + friends + co-workers + clients, etc - heck, even the person on the subway when I used to cummute to & fr NYC. So, I in turn, GOT THEM - I over-reacted + lost my temper + got mad + stayed mad - till they saw the error of their ways. Well hell, that never happens, lol lol

You'd wait till the cows come home - I did. Trust you me, where I live in NJ, there ain't no cows - so I was waiting a pretty long time, hahahahah (just me trying to make silly about things). I've learned to put things in a healtheir perspective & learned to act + react accordingly. I can't control her/he/she/they/them - only me. I've learned & continue to do so, to be assertive - so I know my wants/likes/dislike & act on them when I deem necessary. If a person, irrevalent to who hey are - wants to be in a pissed off mood - let them, it ain't happening to me. Let them fester in their own negativity - I worked too damn hard to get where I am for them to effect me that way & to try to TAKE THIS AWAY FR ME.

- I've said this many times before: fr here on in, till the end of my days which will hopefuly be 50=60 yrs dwn the road, my main goal w/ all things is MY FEELING BETTER. Every single thing action & reaction is w/ that single purpose - I want to feel better & maitain that. I remember - not in fear, but in motivation. I remember what the worst was like & how hard I've worked to get where I am right now - that is PRICELESS TO ME - maintaining that, for me, is invaluable.

Not everything in life will be easy, it won't. I won't always FEEL/feel 100%. However, by me taking care of me + not taking things PERSONALLY + controlling my emotions (anger for 1)+ maintaining my FEEL BETTER attitude/mind-set + realistic/healthier expectations - I will feel better. Consequently, my quality of life will also be better. I will also be in a much better position to handle ALL THAT "LIFE" will give me/throw @ me.

Extreme/excessive ANGER is often a SYMPTOM of something else going on inside of us. Get to the root cause & you will begin to feel better. Feeling or being angry all the time just doesn't feel good. What is more important than YOU FEEL GOOD/BETTER? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

LENORE

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 2:42 am

Originally posted by Lenore:
I over-reacted + lost my temper + got mad + stayed mad - till they saw the error of their ways. Well hell, that never happens, lol lol You'd wait till the cows come home - I did. Trust you me, where I live in NJ, there ain't no cows - so I was waiting a pretty long time, hahahahah
LENORE

Exactly Lenore. . .this is what I was doing. Thanks for putting it in words. I got mad at hubby about some little thing he did, which I assumed was a direct attack on me or "messing with my head" type of thing, then stayed mad for days and days waiting for him to recognize what he did wrong.

We had a talk yesterday and it's really hard for me to accept that he really wasn't thinking and doing what I felt he was doing. He just doesn't scheme like that. He's not really all that in touch with his feelings either. So, although what he did deep down inside may have been trying to get back at me or acting out a little bit. . .he finally admitted it may have been. . . it wasn't a conscious decision. And he will never see it from my perspective, but it's not because he doesn't want to. It's because number one he's a man and I'm a woman and number two I'm a much more complex person than he is.

I do want to learn to get less angry at things, both with him and with my kids. I don't tend to do that with strangers or friends . . . but it's not fair to them that I get so upset about little dumb stuff.

It's hard for me to say that actually because there is a part of me that STILL is wanting to not trust him. . .and think that he really was just trying to be mean. I had that feeling reinforced by my mother and his sister. They agreed and that just got me worked up even more. When we went to a marriage conference they said don't air your marriage problems with everyone that will listen. . .you'll just get more confused. I mean, that person is trying to support me, of course they're going to agree. And, if you talk to someone that agrees with him, you're just going to blowthem off anyway. The whole routine is pretty much useless.

Anyway, I'm not sure what I need to do to get rid of some of the anger here. I have spent years of counseling in the past working through childhood hurts, so I don't really think it's that. I think for me it is more what my husband and I went through the past 3 years and anger and resentment that built during that time. I need to let that go and enjoy my life again.

I don't want my feelings to be the number one important thing in my life though. I want to focus on their needs and feelings to and my spiritual relationship first. . . and then my own needs. I think for me personally I spent so much time and energy trying to help my husband and my kids (he was suicidal at one point. . . TOO much going on) that I hit a day when I said that it was MY turn, then get mad when I feel that someone is not so much concerned with my feelings and needs. Hey, that's not happening because we are all selfish.

I find though that if I focus more on trying to help those around me have a pleasant experience/day. . .whatever, instead of focusing on what people are doing wrong to me, that everyone is happier. It's win/win.

Ruby2 · Post by **Ruby2** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 4:13 am

About 7 years ago I started to change and started to kind of have a shorter fuse especially at work. Because I wasn't a terribly assertive person I kind of liked it! I really thought I was on the right track in life. I was finally sticking up for myself!
I became more irritable and would go on and on in my head about how stupid my boss was etc. Sometimes I would tell other people how I felt. But no one really corrected my behaviour. It never occurred to me that I wasn't thinking straight.

At home with my husband I never had an assertiveness problem but would do what other people in previous posts did. I would get mad at him and not talk to him for weeks and then kind of makeup when I was mentally over the real or imagined hurt and would start talking to him again.

Anyway the point is I just started to relisten to the tapes again and have gotten a coach. Unfortunately, I can now relate to most of the tapes whereas maybe 12 years ago the anger issue wasn't such a problem, I wasn't obsessing like I do now etc. In other words the social anxiety has gotten worse and is effecting all aspects of my life.

I really like to read what other people have to say because we are obviously alike and I find that helpful.

Faith_TX · Post by **Faith_TX** » Mon Sep 15, 2008 4:28 am

Originally posted by Ruby2:

I wasn't obsessing like I do now etc. In other words the social anxiety has gotten worse and is effecting all aspects of my life.

I really like to read what other people have to say because we are obviously alike and I find that helpful.

That makes a lot of sense. I also have issues with social anxiety. . . and I think a big part of that for me is always wondering what others' motives are. Sometimes I get it all wrong. I don't like to admit that I over-react so the only other option is to assume that my DH is "messing with me" and get mad.

I think it's probably a little easier to take a hard look at MY reactions and intentions. That doesn't let him off the hook from his part of it, but it's also not ALL his fault.