I Need Some Help

Comments and inquiries to share with others. (Questions for Staff can be posted below.)
Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:22 pm

I'm stunned by the warmth of everyone who has responded. You're all very wonderful.

I've been bounced around from medication to medication as many times as I've gone from doctor to doctor. Which is more times then I remember. I beat a heavy addiction to benzos and I've been clean for over a year. I've recently began to change a lot of my lifestyle. I stopped smoking after ten years, I now exercise regularly, and I've removed all caffeine from my diet. Yet my anxiety and the panic attacks have actually gotten worse. I now have throbbing headaches. Sometimes my hands will shake uncontrollably and my heart will pound in my chest and I'll become physically incapable of doing anything.

Most of the time though, my anxiety is turned to anger and frustration. Often, I take my anger out on those around me. This has ruined the relationships I have had with women, my friends and many of my family members. When I'm not suffering an attack, I'm a passionate, smart, caring person. I make everyone laugh, relax and feel comfortable. But, when I'm in a mood, or upset, my family has described me as a "mean bastard." And I agree with their description, as at those times I hate everyone, my self most of all.

I'm soon to graduate college after a long seven years. I remember a lot of people telling me it would be the best time of my life, but it has been the hardest.

I was first diagnosed with depression and then bi-polar and GAD. I was put on several medications for depression, anxiety, and problems falling asleep. None of this helped and three years ago I had a major panic attack while I was at work. Because I couldn't describe the problem to my boss, she refused to let me leave early. I was so scared. I just wanted to run away. I felt like I was trapped. I told my boss I quit and drove home. I was so upset that I would have to tell my mother that I had lost another job. I went home and ate all my medication, emptied the medicine cabinet of all the pills, and chased it with a pint of rum. Death, I thought, was far better then shame.

Somewhere between total drunkenness and unconsciousness I called the paramedics.

I was admitted to the mental ward of the hospital after I recovered and was assigned a new doctor. He diagnosed me with bi-polar and put me on depakote and a benzo.

After being released, I stopped taking the depakote because it smelled like vanilla and that scared me but I became addicted to the benzos. I consumed them to the extreme and about a year ago my doctor cut me off from them. No warning and no help offered. Needless to say, the withdrawal wasn't fun. I made it worse by not telling anyone.

But recently I've been trying to make steps to improve my life. I've stopped smoking after ten years, of which I am very proud of. I've remained away from all drugs and I am adamant about a doctor not medicating me anymore. I now exercise 5-6 days a week. I've removed all caffeine from my diet and I'm trying to eat healthier.

Still, my life is miserable. I ruin every relationship I'm in and I'm incapable of making new ones. My friends don't call anymore because I never go out with them. Going to bars scares me. As does talking to strangers, ordering a drink, watching people have a good time.

My anxiety often leads to frustration, which leads to anger, which leads to depression, which leads to me wanting to die. To me, suicide is an escape. It is a guaranteed release from the pain I've felt for so long. As sad as it sounds, suicide makes me feel safe.

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:43 pm

SUICIDE IS NOT THE ANSWER!!!! You don't need to try to get our attention. We all are here listening so no more nonsense talk like that, Got it? You've got to fight this demon inside you and believe me, you cannot fight it yourself. I don't know where you're at spiritually but have you tried God? Do you attend any church. He has a purpose for you and loves you more than you can imagine. You will get thru this and you will be used by God IF you are willing. Are you? He didn't make robots. He gave us each a free will. The right to say yes,Lord or no thanks God. Make the right choice. Choose Christ. We are all here for you, Christian or not. These are my beliefs. I don't mean to push them on you. Like I said, he gave us each a free choice. If you want to know more or just talk, PM me. I'm praying for you.

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 12:50 pm

Have you tried Lamictal? I was on Depakote and didn't like it cuz you had to get your liver checked ev.other month. I'm Bipolar II. I've been on lamictal several years plus xanax occasionally.

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:05 pm

Yes, I believe I was on lamictal for awhile. I don't have insurance though so I can't see a doctor. I'm already in debt up to my eyeballs from going to school for so long. In my understanding, bipolar was a misdiagnosis.

And I'm not a Christian. While in high school I was very much into Christianity. I spent all week at bible studies, Young Life, prayer groups, church etc. I lost my faith in the church, its God, and it's people.

Sorry if my candid talk of suicide upset you but this is the only place I could convey my honest feelings. I have never been able to communicate well in therapy sessions or with family. The only way I can comfortably talk about myself is here, in the written word, pounding away at my keyboard like I am now.

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:06 pm

Hello Emptyblessing:
I am behind on my work today on Session 1.
But I was supposed to be reading here.
Because I found your desperate notes.
I care.
I don't know how to advise. I wish I could take away your pain. But I can tell you that
I really care what happens to you.
Can you hang in awhile longer?. Can you keep coming back here?
You might help some other suffering soul in a few days. You aren't alone in this suffering.
Many are suffering.
I've been there, too.
You just might turn a corner any day now and find the sunshine!!!
Come on now, Blessing (you won't be empty long),
stay with us and let us see the smile that is going to light up your face. It will come.
Stay with us!!!
Your friend
Cornflower in Texas

Guest

Post by Guest » Tue Jan 16, 2007 1:27 pm

emty, what happened to make you lose your faith? You keep on communicating thru the keyboard all you want. It will help you communicate better in person too.I looked at your profile and it said you're majoring in English but are clueless what you'll use it for. What?? You're already using it, writing us! You just keep on coming on here and like Cornflower said, soon you'll be smiling right along with the rest of us. What lesson are you on. oh,since you just registered do you have the progrm yet?

Guest

Post by Guest » Thu Apr 15, 2010 11:42 pm

How long you took Generic depakote. I think it could take away migrane, It is an anticonvulsants used to treat seizures. bipolar disorder and control of behavioral problems associated with dementia. Generic depakote
help with seizure control in certain types of epilepsy.

Guest

Post by Guest » Fri Apr 16, 2010 9:01 am

Hello emptyblessings I just found your post today.

I hope you are doing ok and hanging in there. there are so many caring people on here who know how and feel and really do care.

I have heard about people calling the StressCenter.com to try and work out payment schedules or some have posted about purchasing the program through e-bay.

This is a wonderful program that has helped to transform my life. Please give it a try.

I wish you much success in your recovery.

Take care and God Bless.

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