Can't continue Job like this

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 5:17 pm

Hey there Wake:
Your situation sounds exactly like mine. I became a department head approx. 18 months ago. I am competent at my job and am often praised by my boss. However, I have to attend meetings with the other department heads twice a week and report out on various projects related to my program. When I first started the job I told my boss that I did not "like" public speaking and she agreed not to have me do presentations for a little while. However, this year I had to do one in front of about 50 people. I got off to a shaky start but ended OK. Mind you I obssessed about this event for about three weeks and imagined that every kind of embarrassment you can imagine would happen to me in front of my colleagues. My boss was pleased and now thinks that since I managed that I am able to present without undue nervousness. But the experience, though uneventful, tore me right out of my comfort zone so now the anxiety I've kept at bay for the past 18 months is currently on terror alert. About four weeks ago I had a full blown panic attack in a meeting with the other department heads. I began trembling uncontrollably and fumbling for words. To make matters worse, one of my colleagues approached me after the meeting and wondered why I was so shaky considering I was "not in a stressful situation". Well I almost handed in my resignation that day....... but I am a single parent with kids and mortgage so quitting would mean putting myself and the kids out on the street.

Currently my ability to sit through departmental meetings and report out has gone completely. I am pertrified of embarrassing myself again. I've since had to give a presentation and am scheduled to give another next week. I've only been able to manage because a psychiatrist friend of mine prescribed Propanalol for me. Like most anxious people I really don't want to take anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication. Propanalol has worked out to be an acceptable trade-off for me. Propanalol is a beta-blocker that slows down your heart-rate and gets rid of my physical symptoms i.e. extreme trembling. Before I took it I did not believe it would work but trust me it does. Of course, you still feel inwardly anxious but nobody knows because your are not gasping for breath and your chest is not heaving because your heart is going so fast. I take it about twenty minutes before my meeting and do just fine. The other days I take nothing and just live with the spacey feeling.

I plan to look into Toastmasters and Passionflower as others have suggested here.

Please post a response and let me know how you are doing. Out of all the posts I've read your situation is the most similarf to mine. I found it comforting to read your post and want you to know you are not alone. I don't plan to quit my job and encourage you not to quit yours either. If you were not capable of doing the work you would not have been promoted.

Good luck.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed Apr 23, 2008 6:47 pm

Thanks everyone for your replies. I'm definitely going to talk with my manager about the situation and see what he says. I feel a lot better just knowing that others have gone through this and there are some supplements that can help while I try to get over this fear. I think my company actually has a toastmasters group in another area. I'm going to check that out. Thanks for the tips everyone.

Rose, I'll reply in a few days and let you know how things are going.

h.beth · Post by **h.beth** » Thu Apr 24, 2008 12:47 am

Wake454
I look forward to hearing from you. I have a management meeting to present at next week so you are definitely not alone.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 07, 2008 2:55 pm

Well I'm still on the same path. I am still avoiding meetings and my manager just kind of played it off like I will grow out of it and said I should just focus on the message I need to communicate and not focus on the people in the room. THAT DOESN'T WORK FOR ME. I did take the step to sign up for a toast masters meeting next week, so hopefully I make it to that and not freak out. I ordered some of the passion flower but it hasn't come in yet. I really hope these things workout for me.

Rose...how are you doing??

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Wed May 07, 2008 6:22 pm

Hey. Had been doing OK till today. With the help of my Propanolol I've been alright at meetings and got good feedback regarding a presentation I gave at the Management Meeting last week. Today, however, I attended a meeting with our auditors became convinced I would have to present on my department and got really panicky. I had not taken the Propanolol and soon became overwhelmed with scary feelings and started trembling, particularly as I saw the sign-in sheet being passed around and knew I wouldn't be able to write my name because of the trembling. I left the room instead saying and hid out in my office for about 15 minutes. I took the Propanolol then but I guess it does not work when you're already in full-blown panic. I'm surprised my boss has not challenged me about it because of course I am certain everyone knew I was in full panic-mode - but of course that's my own way of antagonizing myself. I have to meet with the same auditors tomorrow but I will be sure to take the Propanolol 20 minutes before. Guess I got a little complacent there for a minute. I am on session III now so I am trying to lower my expectations and take the experience in my stride. My question is this: how am I supposed to confront my fear and work through the scary feelings when I can't afford to embarrass myself in front of co-workers? I am interested in feedback on this question.

I am going to Toastmasters next week too. Regarding the Passionflower, I ordered some (liquid form) from Wholefoods. Can't say I've noticed any relief.

I am feeling a little defeated but am trying to put a brave face on it. I feel like I tried to confront my fear today and lost. In the meantime, I hope things work out for you too Wake454. I've felt self-conscious and "discovered" recently but I have not freaked out. Don't think you will either. I am rooting for myself and rooting for you too.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 08, 2008 3:04 am

Rose,
Do not think of this as a failure think of it as a lesson (just re-frame it). You learned something. That it is a little more difficult to swim when in the middle of a tidal wave without your lifejacket. It is easier to put it on first. I don't see anything wrong with getting some medical help until you feel okay with it on your own. That day will come you must believe it. This is a process, the journey will lead you to your destination. But unfortunately we can't dismiss the journey. Be good to yourself. Remember, our biggest fear is of our own fear. It is not the meeting or the speaking as much as our response to it all. Good Luck with Toastmasters you will be awesome. Let the fear wash over you when it happens don't resist...feel it and it passes. The fighting of it is what sends us reeling. I am in your corner.

Kathleenjh

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 08, 2008 1:06 pm

Well Rose, you and I are in the same boat for sure. I have the same question you do: "how am I supposed to confront my fear and work through the scary feelings when I can't afford to embarrass myself in front of co-workers?" It is much easier to use the skills from the program when people aren't expecting something from you at the moment you are trying to control a panic attack. I think the toast masters will help by giving us a "safe" environment to explore the fear. I'll probably get panicky in my first meeting. I'm also going to try a Dale Carnegie class, my dad seems to think that is the solution, but I'm not sure if he fully understands what I'm going through. Anyways, I'm glad there is someone working through this process with me

Maybe there will be some more people on here with advice about "the question".

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu May 08, 2008 10:52 pm

Kathleen,
Thanks for those words of encouragement. I fundamentally understand that it is not the presentation or the meeting that is scary - that I create the fear I feel. I could cope with it all if my symptoms remained internal. I have been suffering from panic attacks since aged 18 and done pretty well by just ignoring my anxiety and avoiding certain tasks. My anxiety has got out of control lately due to my having to perform in front of others at my job. My concern is that it is becoming more generalized and I now feel anxious at home too which is something that seldom happened in the past. I do not want to take medication other than the Propanolol as needed because I am worried about the long term side effects. However I recognize that it makes no sense to suffer and I may have to take meds soon. Trying hard to remain hopeful.

Wake,
It's comforting to hear from someone whose situation is so similar to mine. It IS very difficult to control panick at the same time you're expected to perform. I am very interested in others opinions on this issue. On the other hand, through the program I now feel like I have much more insight into my condition. I wonder why I am having such difficulty putting these new skills and insight into practice............

Have never heard of Dale Carnegie - will research it. Take care. Will let you know how I get on at Toastmasters.