Hello FRIENDS here @ StressCenter.com chat & forum. It's been a little while since I've posted here. I wanted to share some GREAT news with you all, if may. I would hope, sincerely, that this news can & will serve as inspiration to you all out there suffering from anxiety disorder + panic attacks + sleep deprivation + PTSD + depression (of which I have suffererd fr ALL) - that THESE AILMENTS ARE "NOT" your forever.
On this past Saturday, 5/2/09, I made LIFETIME @ Weight Watcher's. What this means is the following: I joined W.W.'s in the end of June 2007. I weighed in @ 212 lbs ='s size 22/24(I am only 5'3 1/2). A/O Sat, I now weigh 139 lbs ='s size 4/6 ='s apprx 72lb weight loss. Under W.W.'s, you have a "goal weight" governed by your height/age & other factors. I achieved "GOAL" 6 weeks ago & entered into MAINTANANCE. Sat, I completed my maintainance by maintaining my goal weight of 140lbs - w/ no gain or loss greater than 2 lbs, for those "6weeks". Oh yes, I did have plateau's here & there. However, I kept my eye on the prize & realized how much I wanted this + how hard I'd worked & reminding myself what was @ stake here ='s what this "LIFETIME" award TRULY meant to me.
You see, my getting LIFETIME meant all those ailments I had suffered from didn't beat me. It meant I was stronger than the WORST that anxiety disorder + panic attacks + ptsd + sleep deprivation + depression could throw @ me. When I joined W.W'S, I had done so 2mths after being officially diagnosed w/ major depression for the 1st time in my life. I was diagnosed w/ depression in March 2007 & joined W.W. in June 2007. Why? lol how? lol
My anxiety disorder was triggered in APR 2005 by surgery I had for the 1st time. It came hard + fast & was 24/7. That surgery was not the cause, just the trigger. I was diagnosed by 2 different medical professionals - w/ each telling me I was 1 of the worst cases they had ever seen. Out of necessity, I entered therapy. I required medication (anxiety med & 2 sleep aids). I was in such a severe state, I couldn't work & was later informed by my psychiatrist that I was 2 steps away fr being put in a psych hosp. It was as though, "over-night" I became someone I didn't recognize. The totality of those ailments left me feeling as though I were in a world w/ in itself, by MYSELF. I became totally dependant on my hubby & emotionally dependant on anyone willing to give me the time of day.
I attended weekly & very intensive therapy w/ my former psychiatrist. During that time, I did find Lucinda's program & read the forums/participated in chats, etc. However, I wasn't ready for her program just yet. I had a lot of stuff to work through 1st. These were things that were apparently @ the core of my situation - however, I just didn't realize it & nor did I realize just how much. Yes, these events fr my youth were extreme & severe (hence the ptsd). Because of the severity of these events & cumulativeness, I spent the following 2 yrs(apprx) working through them. I am a former victim of child abuse + abandonment + molestation. You see, long b/4 I could get to the point where I was ready to face myself - I needed to unburden myself w/ those things, emotionally speaking. I needed to get to a point where I could face them + feel the respective emotions + learn empathy/forgiveness for the perpetrators. I was blessed, as I came to see. You know why? In spite of anything that was done to me, I was blessed by God w/ my heart & character. I knew better & different. As a result, not only could I heal/grow/change/evolve - I could end the cycle. You can't fix what you don't know is broken. I could "see".
I arrived @ the point in my journey & recovery where I was ready to see myself. That point came in OCT 2006. I literally said to myself OUT-LOUD "Lenore, there are just some things about you that need to change." Blame belonge to noone. It was me responsible for me, particularly how I was feeling & how I was thinking & how I was reacting to things. As a result, it was I who needed to change & it was I who needed to find a way to make that happen.
I ordered Lucinda's program & started it the 1st time in Nov 2006. Fr the beginning, fr the GET GO, that beautiful woman was DEAD ON. I am telling you it was as though she knew me - as though she were a silent observer of ME, all my life, lol. I followed her program STRICTLY AS INSTRUCTED.If there were a topic I had difficulty w/, I didn't let it stop me. I researched it via the library + on line + dr's/professionals - I empowered myself by becoming informed. Once I had the knowledge - I could apply it to me.
I did recover fr anxiety disorder + panic attacks + ptsd + sleep deprivation by apprx FEB 2007. I haven't taken any anxiety meds/sleep aids in 2 1/2 yrs. As a result of all that my recovery took, I became severely depressed. This was no highschool boyfriend thingy. This frightened me. So, I fought back. Depression was dark/gloomy - it depleted me of every single ounce of energy I had - then, you add the depress med - which made me more tired(the benefits TO ME of that med outweighed any side effects). I had to figure out & face WHY LENORE WAS DEPRESSED. I did just that - in part, via therapy. Majority of the work was done @ home - I cld this SELF WORK.
I realized part of why I was depressed was my food issues + my weight + the fear that I was going in a very dangerous direction - health wise. Part of my food issues were: food represented a false sense of stability & security for me - "I have food now, not like when I was little - I better eat it now b/4 it goes away again & I'll go hungry." The logic w/ that, for me was I did go hungry in younger years. I had so perfected the art of "emotional eating" that I ate my way through things as my way "of dealing w/ them". So, I trained myself to face/feel/deal - you could eat all the food you want - the fact is they can't make things go away - the problems & pain will still be there as long as you don't deal.
I also realized during this time that while I may have been COMFORTABLEw/ this unhealthy lifestyle my hubby & I created (excessive overeating all unhealthy foods & NO exercising)- I wasn't really happy w/ it & I didn't like how I felt - in my heart/soul/body. My "spirit" was mourning. So, I decided to do something about it. It was simply an extension of the brilliance Lucinda displays in her program to become informed & empowered - enable yourself to gain control of your life & how you feel. I decided to do that. I JOINED WEIGHT WATCHERS in the end of JUNE 2007.
Making this "lifestyle" change is DARN HARD. My having to do it w/ major depression, while attempting to recover fr major depression - was like some SICK JOKE, lol - honest. Friends, you know what my TRUE MOTIVATOR was? I simpy wanted to FEEL BETTER. I was going outside, while experiencing depression, & I wasn't FEELING THE WORLD. I'd see the sun + the leaves moving fr the breeze + I'd see the birds - yet I couldn't feel them - as though someone threw a dark black curtain over me. I'd see the neighbors yet feel as though I was alone in the world, as though I literally I was the only 1 in existence - no exageration. While I knew I had things to work on behind my depression, I knew in my GUT - that making this lifestyle change would be THE PLATFORM to lift me out of it - I let go & let GOD.
There were mannnnnnnnny days where I did not have it & yet I did it still. The logic I had (for which I felt as though I should get the NOBLE PRIZE FOR GENIUS OF SOMETHING OR OTHER, LOL) WAS THIS: every time I sweat a little something, I was sweating out the poison that was running through my body that was depression - every time I ate a little healthier, I was combatting that EMOTIONAL GERM that was depression in my body. I read enough in literature + got to know myelf enough (via anxiety disorder recovery) that when depression was trying to fill me w/ lies, I DID THE OPPOSITE, 9X'S OUT OF 10, OF WHAT & ALL DEPRESSION WAS TELLING ME.I wasn't working & the bed & couch cld my name "lay dwn, don't exercise - sleep". I didnt listen. I fought, often w/ tears in my eyes & aches in every single part of my body, & I moved/exercised in the capacity I had @ the time. I took it a little @ time + 1 day @ a time + prayers ALL THE TIME (I didn't do this alone).
I did recover fr depression & graduated fr therapy after almost 3 3/4 yrs. I haven't taken a depress med since sept/oct 2008 + I had my last therapy session in NOV 2008. There is such a direct connection behind what we're feeling mentally & emotionally & the VERY un-healthy foods we’re putting in our body + lack of exercising. Remember this my friends, “being over-weight” is a SYMPTOM of something else. Find out what that something else is. Granted, my ailments were fuled in lge part to past things. However, by me feeding my body better/healthier foods + cutting back sugar & caffeine + exercising - I not only DID FEEL BETTER & these ailments decreased till they went away - I put myself in a much better position to handle life's events. Healthy eating + skills fr Lucinda's program + exercising + ME + outside resources (W.W.'S for ex) I am THE WOMAN LENORE - healthier than she's ever been in her entire life - I am living as I choose making yet another accomplishment come to be - getting in shape.
I cried (listen, I'm a walking 24/7 walking & talking CHICK FLICK MOVIE ahahhahah)when I made LIFETIME saturday morning. For me, it presented all of the hard work these past 4 yrs represented - it showed me I am so capable of more than I ever realized - it showed me - I WON, I LENORE, AM THE WINNER.
I look back on these past 4 yrs & I am truly humbled. I am working, successfully for over 1 year + recovered + healthy/inshape & 1 by 1, my dreams are coming true - not just thinking about them, but making them happen. I have LIFE SKILLS - a result of Lucinda's program. I don't have words to her to express my gratitude - other than to say, "God bless you Lucinda. You are doing God's will."
Lucinda's program WORKS - work it as instructed - don't give up - give in, keep fighting / learning/ growing / evolving - allow feeling better to become your motivatior. There is a light @ the end of the tunnel & I promise you Lucinda's program will take you there.
Your friend,
Lenore
WOW - I'VE ACCOMPLISHED ANOTHER MILESTONE - dream the possibilities!
Your greatest challenge isn't someone else. It's the aching i your lungs & the burning in your legs & the voice inside you that yells "CAN'T". But you don't listen. You push harder & hear the voice that whispers "CAN". An you realize that the person you thought you were is no match for the one you REALLY ARE.
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Hi Lenore
I read all that you have done and im very proud of you .Losing weight with everything you had going on is very hard but you did it. You inspired me ! I have anxiety and panic which I control with meds which have made be gain alot of weight. I still am not done with the program yet because I'm a procrast so that i have not did.What makes me sad is my weight which I am 5 ft and weigh 230 pounds because of these meds . I have been on them for 11 years and over these years I have tried every diet. But these meds help me because I have a very low sertonin level and it runs in my family we all have this disorder. I have tried not to take them but it comes back even harder then I gain more weight. So maybe I was thinking I should try WW again work out more and just maybe with the Grace of God it will happen. You have inspired me so much and I am so happy for you . My prayers and thoughts are with you and congrats again take care . Sheila<A HREF="mailto:sheilo_1958@yahoo.com">sheilo_1958@yahoo.com</A>
I read all that you have done and im very proud of you .Losing weight with everything you had going on is very hard but you did it. You inspired me ! I have anxiety and panic which I control with meds which have made be gain alot of weight. I still am not done with the program yet because I'm a procrast so that i have not did.What makes me sad is my weight which I am 5 ft and weigh 230 pounds because of these meds . I have been on them for 11 years and over these years I have tried every diet. But these meds help me because I have a very low sertonin level and it runs in my family we all have this disorder. I have tried not to take them but it comes back even harder then I gain more weight. So maybe I was thinking I should try WW again work out more and just maybe with the Grace of God it will happen. You have inspired me so much and I am so happy for you . My prayers and thoughts are with you and congrats again take care . Sheila<A HREF="mailto:sheilo_1958@yahoo.com">sheilo_1958@yahoo.com</A>
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(((((LENORE)))) OMG I've missed you soooo much! I'm still here, but not much lately...Life is great for me girl! I am SOOO proud of your accomplishments! It sounds like your living the life you've been wanting, and ANXIETY free. God bless you my friend! Thanks for 'checkin" in...I miss you, but I'm happy to hear that you are healthy and at peace with yourself 
God bless you
Robin
God bless you
Robin
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Lenore,
You are such an inspiration to me and I'm sure so many others. I'm new to this program, and after reading some of your posts, I feel like I can go after my dream of feeling better! I just wanted to thank you for your information and congratulate you on everything you have accomplished. I can tell God is using you to reach out and help others! God Bless!
You are such an inspiration to me and I'm sure so many others. I'm new to this program, and after reading some of your posts, I feel like I can go after my dream of feeling better! I just wanted to thank you for your information and congratulate you on everything you have accomplished. I can tell God is using you to reach out and help others! God Bless!
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Thank you so much for sharing Lenore. I'm new to the program and am still awaiting to receive it, but I check in daily to the peer support group. Reading your story has definitely confirmed that I have been doing the right things all of these years, I just need a little something to tie it all together and from what I've gathered here, this just might be what it takes to tie everything together for me.
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