Post
by Zoogirl » Mon Mar 30, 2009 4:44 am
Hi Little Italy,
I was going to post this publicly, but just decided to do it privately because of all of the personal info. I just wanted to put my two cents in:).
I also have not overcome my fear of driving. I just wanted to encourage those of you who do drive even just a little to not beat yourself up because driving in some form is still a great achievement. When this problem started, I could drive some, and I would beat myself up for not driving more, and I eventually got to where I didn't drive at all so I wish I wouldn't have been so hard on myself.
Secondly, please bear with me because I'm not trying to be off topic, but this is one of my soap boxes. A couple of you have mentioned not working because of your anxiety. First of all, make sure that you don't have another reason that you do not work but don't feel like you can admit because other people will judge you. Little Italy mentioned that she has children. At home moms don't get enough support and prestige from society. Maybe you feel that being an at home mom is your calling, but the trend is to have two incomes. Please know that I am by no means attacking working mothers, but I am just saying that both situations deserve respect and support from society. It should be about choice, but sadly, it has went too far from choice. I found the book "The Two Income Trap" by Elizabeth Warren to be extremely enlightening. Elizabeth Warren is a Harvard Professor who is really being listened to right now. She predicted these economic problems many, many years ago. She was featured in the documenatry "Maxed Out" a few years ago, and it's just something to watch that and no that she predicted this problem. One part of this economic problem is that at home moms are not recognized as the resources that they were in the past. In the past, there were more one income families when children were involved, and the at home mother took care of the children, etc. If a child developed a serious illness, she was there and the husband didn't have to miss work and there was no need for full time child care. In addition, if the husband lost his job, the at home mom could go to work while the husband was out of work so the family didn't suffer because they had only been dependent on one income. If there was an upcoming out of the ordinary event, the at home mom could go to work to bring in extra income. Now? Now, most of us are dependent on two incomes. It became a trap for many reasons. Part of the reason housing prices became inflated is that real estate companies knew that both parents would go to work to be able to afford a middle class life style. It now takes two incomes to afford a middle class life style that used to be affordable at one income. I was just so glad when I read this because it finally gave a voice to what I knew my family was experiencing. My hubby and I have been married for 13 years, and we have never owned a home with me being an at home mother. We have went against the norm, while we watched others have a middle class life style and wondered how on earth they could afford it? We now understand. We are also now grateful that we have learned to make it off of one income and that I can return to work if something worse happens and that we don't have a mortgage that we can't afford.
For me personally, I have a son with severe autism. I had several traumatic experiences around the time of his diagnosis, but everyone around me thought that I should be working. Part of me wanted to work too because I just wasn't getting the praise and acceptance from society and those around me. I went to work, and it was horribly traumatic because I went to work with other children with autism, and I witnessed some horrible abuses by those who took care of them. That set me back:(. I then began intense therapy, and my therapist told me to hold off on working and going back to school. However, a year later, it was like she decided that it was time for me to work. It was her opinion. I applied for jobs, and I didn't get them. I then got into an intense and very inflexible graduate program for social work that required 15 hours of grad school with no exceptions which is extremely intense, and I was also offered a job that I had applied for earlier at my local public library! I told my therapist and she said, "I want you busy!!!" No validity was given to the emotional toll of having a child with autism, or what would happen when he got sick, etc.
Let me just let you all know, that it was TOO MUCH!!! So, to the world and society, I looked like I was well, but I was actually getting worse. I did want a life of my own, but my son had severe autism, and studies show that the stress that I was under was more than a parent of a child with cancer. I don't know how I did it, and I still had standards of desiring A's. Also, there were a lot of students in the program who had psychological problems that they wouldn't address. One woman actually stalked me!
At the very end of the program, I switched to library science, and then took on an assitantship with another boss who had an inoperable brain tumour that made her act abusive and inappropriate. The program was more flexible, but it was still stressful with my son, etc.
Eventually, I got a part time job for a year in the library. It ended, and I was terrified. I thought I needed work to have value, to function, etc. But what did I find? For my situation, working hurt me. I am not talking about letting fear stop you from doing something that you want to do, but I never wanted all of that intensity from the beginning. I wanted something, but not overkill. I also found out that taking care of my son is a full time job. I need to do stuff for myself like my art and writing and depending on the nature of the job, perhaps I can do something that's flexible, but for my situation, working at that intensity was worse for all of us. Also, I quit driving during that intense time, and so far I haven't been able to get that back, but I am more hopeful than I was a year ago.
I'm sorry, but this is such a soap box for me. I just learned so much from this situation. So, find out what you really want to do, and only you know the specifics of your life situation. So many of us who aren't working feel invaluable, but that's not the case. Don't let anxiety make the decision for you not to work because deep down, you know that your time as a mom is valuable or you do not desire to have a certain job that does not feel like your "calling."
For me, personally, I am a Christian, and I have learned to really talk to God about the matter and really examine my motivations. God never intended for me to go through all of that. He thinks I have value as my son's mother, and only He really understands all that's involved. I am not telling you not to work, but I am telling that YOU DO HAVE VALUE. You are a resource for your family even if others don't acknowledge that. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR BEING AN AT HOME MOM. DO NOT FEEL LIKE IF YOU DO DECIDE TO WORK THAT YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG EITHER. Just weigh out what is best for you and your family and be flexible about it. Don't put yourself into a box, but I am letting you know that I have found that staying at home because I want to actually saves our family money. We have one car, I clip coupons and follow the sales and frugalmom.com is a great website to learn about these methods. I have the time to do all of this, and I LOVE DOING IT:). Also, we still get some child care for my son, and I manage all of that. So, you have to be strong and know do have a lot of value that other people overlook, and I noticed that you said you feel guilty because you are not pulling in income in this economy right now, but actually you are doing the right thing. Your family has cut down expenses to make it off of your husband's one income, and if you have to, you can go to work if something happens. If you were dependent on two incomes and something happened, then you would be in worse shape:).
Take care and I'm sorry if this was off topic. Just don't beat yourself up for not working.
Take care,
luvpiggy
"The difficulties do not continue forever, yet the value of making it through them will always be yours."
