Marriage

MaxDog · Post by **MaxDog** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 3:56 pm

Originally posted by Dina:
GEEZ give me a break...Did you ever think that the anxiety is causing stres in your marriage and not the opposite? I wouldn't want to have lived with me when I was real bad...and only now I am compfortable in my own skin let alone with someone else. Nothing outside causes you anxiety it's all from within!!! WAKE UP being divorced is not easy and no fun especially if you have kids!!! take some responsibility!

Hi Dina,
I'm sure glad that you are comfortable in your own skin and that things are really great for you NOW. I'm pretty sure you didn't get that way by someone just saying to you "wake up, take responsibility". Geez, did you ever think that this a support forum and that people are here for support. Go back and read some of your old posts.

cindylou · Post by **cindylou** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:05 pm

writeitout,
When you start over again with the program, just concentrate on yourself and don't worry about getting your hubby involved. In time, when he's ready, he'll listen to the "I'll be there for you" tape. Hugs and prayers for you on that one.
Don't force the issue.
About midway through the program, I simply put it on the stereo when he was within earshot. I wanted to listen to it anyway, stated that and left it at that.
Throughout the program, I'd casually state how much I was learning and that it was the best thing I'd ever done for myself, and our family. I also had to ask of my hubby that he allow me to be the initiator of any conversation about the program. It's a very personal journey, and I gently had to remind him of that at times.
That was very important to me and for the most part, he respected that.
I have to partially agree with Dina. Our anxiety and depression can be a major contributor to stress in marriage. Not so sure I'd have had an easy time dealing with me during the worst years of my panic, anxiety and bouts of depression. Granted, other factors may have to be taken into consideration. My hubby had issues of his own, but I was making me miserable.
Then again, there are men and/or women in relationships who seek out vulnerability in others, just to exploit that. I really don't think it's always a conscious play, but it happens. Turn that around and you have the person who migrates to that type of person.It's not uncommon for people with a great deal of anxiety and/or depression to make poor choices in partners. I did, in the past. Sort of a pattern - thinking he/she deserves to NOT be treated lovingly with respect and compassion.
Then, we have our own wonderful,

, anxiety and depression attitudes going on. -our own unrealistic expectations, obsessive negative thinking, mix in some low self-esteem, limited self-love, constant negative self talk, and some anger here and there. UGH. Not a good recipe for a smooth sailing relationship.
Just trying to see it from a few different angles - food for thought.

God bless and hugs.

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:20 pm

I felt so guilty for years. I wanted to "Be Better", just didnt know how. My husband was very supportive the first couple of years, but never understood what i was going through. How could he? He never had panic attacks or anxiety.
Thats like me saying, I know how he feels, now that he has diabetes.. but I DONT!! Cause I dont have it.
I wanted to CHANGE him, I thought it would help me if he would Just Change. But in all honesty.,, He is who he is, And I didnt have a clue WHO i was. So, until i figured out Who i was, how could expect him to change, or should i want him to change.
He spent years, NOT doing anything, because I couldnt go anywhere, or participate in function at the kids school, grocery shop, any of that.
Im sure he was restentful and i couldnt blame him. I resented myself!!!
But, when i began to change, begin to improve with my anxiety, and the got past the panic attacks, faced my own fears,, I BEGAN to change.
The funny thing was,, HE noticed my changes first, even before I DID... He was very cautious about mentioning them to me cause i think he was afraid, i would slip back into the horrible anxiety/depression i had suffered for so long.
Truthfully, this is something WE have to go through alone. Its nice to have support, but we cant expect to much from a spouse who has never suffered. So, we have to take the bull by the Horns and tackle this ourselves.
Its not easy, in fact its exetremely hard!! But, you will be so much better in your relationship, your personal self image and most of all in your freedom to be YOU!!!!
Dina is actually right. We are the anxiety, its not some forgein object or "IT".. The "IT " is US. Be determined, Be Hopeful, BE assertive, in tackling this program!!! IT works, whether your alone or have a husband, boyfriend, or a whole house full of family. What it boils down to is YOU! YOU being your own Safe Person, Your Own best Friend!!!! Everything else will fall into place when you do this for YOU!!!!! Take care Nelly:)

MaxDog · Post by **MaxDog** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:40 pm

Mello,
Yes I do agree that we are responsible for our own recovery and that Dina does have a good point. But, I think we as people who suffer from anxiety and depression hear enough of is just buck up, get past it, grow up! If it were that simple then none of us would be here. I Agree with her point, just not the way she said it (or wrote it in this case). Maybe I was out of line, I don't know at this point. It's a good discussion either way.

Vegasmomof4 · Post by **Vegasmomof4** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 4:40 pm

GEEZ give me a break...Did you ever think that the anxiety is causing stres in your marriage and not the opposite? I wouldn't want to have lived with me when I was real bad...and only now I am compfortable in my own skin let alone with someone else. Nothing outside causes you anxiety it's all from within!!! WAKE UP being divorced is not easy and no fun especially if you have kids!!! take some responsibility!

I agree that anxiety isn't easy to live with that is why I bought the program and am doing it and am taking RESPONSIABLITY. HOWEVER, anxiety is not causing him to yell, and be impatient with the kids, and we all have to walk on eggshells. There are SOME marriage where the hell comes before or CAUSES the anxiety so I say unless you walk in our shoes you have no right to assume its the anxiety.

cindylou · Post by **cindylou** » Sun Sep 16, 2007 5:13 pm

Throwing in a bit of tilted humor here

My hubby is thrilled that I completed the program and got so much out of it, changed my life, enhanced our marriage - awesome.
My EX, another story,
the new, self confident, panic free, anxiety under control, assertive me would have scared the CR*P out of him! He wouldn't have known how to deal, and he would have resented the heck out of the whole deal.
(btw, the ex was verbally and physically abusive)
yep, every case is different.

writeitout · Post by **writeitout** » Mon Sep 17, 2007 10:42 am

Hey, MaxDog, I just wanted to say thank you for speaking up. I appeciate it. When I read Dina's post, it hit me the wrong way. There is some validity to what she is saying, but the post came across as critical and harsh, and it is presumptuous. I shut down when I read it.

VegasMom: I could not have said it better! That is all the focus I want to put on Dina's post.

I don't suffer from GAD. As I posted, my anxiety has a source. The source came first - the anxiety is a result. That having been reiterated, I agree with, and appreciate everything Mello posted. And I've come a long way. One day, when I am feeling more positive, I will have to post regarding my triumphs. I've had a lot of them, and some big ones, too! But I have a "ways" to go.

Cindylou: Interestingly, my husband is the most content when I am depressed, withdrawn, and dysfunctional.

Thank all of you for your posts!

fl2nc · Post by **fl2nc** » Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:50 am

WoHoo

I am soo interested in a marriage forum, Please let me know when it will start and whre I nee to go
Thanks!!!

Inner Peace · Post by **Inner Peace** » Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:56 am

This is a little different take on this, but for me, I think my anxiety is the major reason I have never been married. Relationships are tough. If you are miserable by yourself, you will be miserable with someone else. Even a supportive relationship will be stressful.

Mello Nello · Post by **Mello Nello** » Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:17 am

writeitout,
Perhaps you could see a counselor for this. We are all just plain people with anxiety. If you are going to have to make a decision to stay or go in your marriage, you need to seek professional counseling, seriously. Your right i havent walked in your shoes, or anyone elses.
I do know, I blamed so many things in my life for my anxiety including my husband. But i also know, When i began to change, he slowly began to change. My husband and I butted heads many many times, because he was a controlling person.
However, that being said, I allowed him to be that way, till i changed. I dont know your situtation, but sometimes, we need professional help. Please dont take this wrong, its just a suggestion... take care Nelly:)