New to Program

[SweatMan]

I am a 37 year old male that has been struggling with mild to moderate anxiety/depression for several months. I have seen some improvements and that is good. The question I want to ask is how do you deal with guilt. I have a conscience and I often feel guilty for no reason at all. If I feel that I am doing something wrong, guilt sets in and I start having heart palpitations. I would like to know if anyone had to deal with a similar situation and if so, how did you manage?

[tina martin]

You sure hit a nerve: Guilt has been my middle name from day one. Don't need to give you my life history, but I absorbed guilt as a sponge absorbs water from early on. No heart palpitations, but surely depression to suicidal thoughts.

If you have the program founded on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) it will help. It is rational thinking and reconditioning of the brain (takes time and patience and persistence) that does indeed help. By now I feel guilty for almost nothing. It is a big relief. It can work for you. Wishing you the best.

[SweatMan]

Thank Tina. I do have the program and I have tried it but it seems like it is bringing everything to the forefront. The program brings out some things that I want to forget and the cycle starts all over. I don't know if it is designed to work like that but it is torture to me. I think I am doing fine until I listen to the audio cds and read the material. After I do that, I feel worse than I was before. There are some things I just want to forget about.

[tina martin]

What you raise is rarely addressed, yet surely happens to others. Indeed, happens to me. What we want to forget, erase, squash, never goes away for good. The pain returns and we must permit the painful feelings. They subside on their own if we allow them and don't repress them. Or so I think. Nevertheless I go on with the tenets of CBT, always trying.

Exercise and meditation are big for me, as is positive self talk or positive everything, crazy as that can be. For example, some of us missed StressCenter.com so much (it was out for about 2 weeks) so that now we are doubly thankful to have it. Voila: a negative turned into a positive. Try it and let us know. Best to you.

[robi]

Hello all,

I am posting to simply introduce myself and tell you all a little bit about me. My name is Mark and I'm 45 years old. I have been depressed 3 times in my life at 27, 37, and now 45. I had one doctor describe depression like asthma - "it will flare up every now and then" he said. At 27, I lost a really good job - and the birth of my first child and I wasn't ready to be a father. At 37, I had looked at my career and I was doing everything at my job i.e answering discipline referrals, dealing with irate parents, pupil accounting, truancy, mediation, etc. - me and two other truant officers were asked to list our job duties and we came up with 27 responsibilities (no exaggeration). I overcame my depression and went back to work. I was in the school system for 12 years and I felt like the biggest hypocrite in the world, because I dropped out of college my senior year. At 39, I went back to get my degree in Human Services and Management. I kept going and last year (at the age of 44) I recieved my Master's in Education; Curriculum and Instruction. Having 16 years in education, at the high school that I graduated, and a Master's degree I was pretty content. In comes a new Superintendent, my Dean of Student position was eliminated. After obtaining a Master's degree and 16 years experience in education, I found myself unemployed for the first time in my life. I resisted feeling depressed, because I said I wouldn't be a free agent long. It was all of 3 weeks before I accepted a Dean of Student position. The only downfall was that the school was an hour commute one-way and I hate driving. Five months in the position, I'm noticing they are adding more responsibilities daily. I looked up and I had to walk the halls like a hall monitor, for each student I saw there were 7 separate documentations, I'm mediating and implement Conflict Resolution program, After-school Tutoring program, snack distribution, etc. I would leave my house at 6am and return at 7pm. It was dark when I left in the morning and it was dark when I arrived home. I would unwind for an hour, get my clothes together, and then it was bed-time.I have a 19 year old daughter, a 15 year old son, and a wife that I never had time to do anything with as a family. I began dreading Sunday nights, then I start dreading bed-time, the drive became unbearable. The icing on the cake happened Jan 12, my daughter's first day of college, I was so proud. Instead of my daughter going to college she went to the mall and was arrested for retail fraud. She spent 15 days in the county jail, 3 hours away from home. She hasn't apologized and continues to hang out and not comply with the terms of her probation.

This is my presenting issue now, but the fact of the matter is that, genetically this was bound to happen to me. In addition to my daughter being bipolar and impulsive, my mother is bipolar. Almost thirty years, I have petitioned my mother in the hospital almost every 1 - 2 years since my senior year in high school (1984). My uncles and aunts all had some type of mental/psychological disability. I have worked very hard all my life to break or circumvent this issue, but it hasn't happened.

In the last week, I was rushed (by ambulance) to the hospital for left-arm numbness. I was in the hospital the entire weekend and was released Feb 14 with a positive readings on all the tests they performed on my heart - except cholestoral was a little high. Feb 16, I had an anxiety attack at my school because I had not slept in a couple of days - a colleague was nice enough to drive me home - no way was I leaving in an ambulance again. I think its the embarassment of being rushed to the hospital in front of my new colleagues. Men do not disclose and we feel substandard or inferior when our emotional/psychological health is compromised. I have ordered the entire program and waiting on the CD's to be delivered. I was perusing the discussion forums and decided that I would introduce myself. My username is robi, but you all can call me Mark. I look forward to sharing and learning from you all, because learning is a two-way street and I'm confident that I, WE, can beat this.

[Iwillbebetter]

Sweatman - guilt can be such a hard thing. I know I struggle with that often. There are also many things that I would like to forget also, unfortunatly forgetting will not make them go away. In a book that I am ready (The secret to letting go by Guy Finley) It mentions, the more we try to fight against our thoughts and feelings the stronger we make them!! Anyway I think with the guilt, a big thing is also learning to love ourselves. And then learning to place the love for ourselves over the approval of others.

Robi/Mark - Welcome to the forums and awesome to hear you ordered the program!! It can and will help. It takes a lot of practice and patience. At times it can almost seem overwhelming, but well worth the effort!! The support here can be very helpful also!! You are certianly not alone!!!

[tina martin]

It is painful to read of your experiences, Mark. The world has turned into a harsh place for some people. I certainly empathize with you and your circumstances. You tried to do the right thing, worked hard and it blows up in your face. Truly, I'm glad I am old, worry about my children, relieved there are no grandchildren. Have no faith in these so-called "advances" with technology bringing questionable results. Bit of a Luddite I must admit.

Sure hope the program can ease matters for you. It is not necessarily an instant panacea which speaks to expectations. But there have been testimonials to the program. If you look back a bit in the threads, they are there. Wishing you the best.

[robi]

To Tina,

Thankx for your honest and encouraging words.