Dear Diary

[Paisleegreen]

Now on a different note, I've told you about my sister who told me about Lucinda's and later sent me her CDs last year.

She has taken my energy and given me much frustration as she lives her life as a Nomad. Very disorganized and receives SSI for her inability to hold a job and exercises poor judgment. She is now in need of intensive dental work and needs a place to live where her SSI can pay for the dental work. I've tried to help her...but she keeps forgetting the reason why I'm wiling to sacrifice my time, space and energy for her to come stay with me so that she can get good dental care for the future. Instead of focusing on the money needed for the dentist she gets sidetracked on how she could buy a car or travel with the money saved.

She does wear me out and I wonder if this is worth doing for my own sanity. I know it is a boundary issue, and I like Tina, worry about this sister when I really don't have a lot of control. Either she takes my help, and buckles down to get her teeth done now the proper way, or eventually, it will be too late and she could be living a long time and not even be able to wear dentures.

So my energies have been spent on working out a place for her to stay and getting her to leave her current living condition, which isn't good. But so far there is a deadline now and she has overcome her anxiety to give a deadline to the motel manager.
I still have a month to wait to see if she will follow through on coming to my city to get her teeth done. It will take commitment on her part and even discipline in keeping her teeth and gums clean during this process. Which is not her forte'.
Also having her live in my home will test everyone's patience...as her lifestyle is so different to the norm. Pretty much dysfunctional and requires a lot of patience. Paislee

[Loveslife]

(((((((((((((((((( PAISLEE )))))))))))))

I will never be able to thank you enough for your kind words. What you have survived is beyond imaginable to me, and yet you reach out to others. You are so lovely and amazing.

Thank you so much for your understanding, and in a way, your forgiveness. I've had a week or so to process my thoughts, and I really didn't do much of anything to this person, other then tell a blogger a few innocuous stories, etc. I AM very hard on myself, and I'm working very hard in therapy to try to understand why I TAKE ALL THE BLAME. Or, why I blame myself. We haven't figured it out yet, but I have been seeing my therapist twice a week now, as we are making huge progress. I am also doing restorative yoga, volunteering, working on the aux. board at the hospital, and am now dedicated to looking for a full time job. I have had two interviews this week, one at Pottery Barn, and one at William Sonoma, as it is imperative that I stay very busy, we need the money, and I need to set a good example for my husband, who isn't getting off of his chair at the present time.

My therapist and I decided that me working the midnight shift at the hospital wasn't good for my health anymore, as it was really wearing me down. I quit that job, and I struggle with feeling like I failed, but I didn't. I'm still on the board, still volunteering, but I just couldn't work 12midnight - 8am any longer.

They seemed to have liked me at the two stores, the holidays are coming, so, I hope I get hired.

Anyway, I am avoiding all triggers for me, and the situation I talked about earlier is a huge trigger, so I'm simply avoiding it and staying active in my life.

Paislee, re: your sister; No, no, and NO!! You have offered her your home, your time, and your tender loving care. The rest is up to her. If her teeth fall out due to lack of care, it is not your fault. We do what we can in life and help the ones we love, but at some point you have to put your needs first. Please take care of YOU.

You are so valuable and lovely, and it seems like others just keep pulling you down.

TAKE CARE OF YOU.

Thank you so much for your kind words, Paislee. I felt too ashamed to come back here and face this diary, but I'm glad you helped show me the way.

Love to you, Paislee, and T., R., and Bunny.

XO
J.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi J! So glad to see you today! Thank you for the big hugs. I'm so glad that you are feeling better and are able to see your Therapist more often. I'm also glad that you are looking for a day job. I understand completely how working the midnite shift can be hard. You have done great in taking on that job and building up your strength and confidence.

So I hope you get work at the ones you are looking at. They sound like fun places to work and then you can get some sunshine in and sleep regular hours and feel better. Yay!

Thanks for the advice with my sister, she frustrates everyone in our family and I feel for my poor parents who worried about her constantly while they were alive. I have a month to see what happens. So I will work on not fretting over her and enjoy my family and do what brings me joy. So much is happening this month to keep me busy...so all I can do is take care of my yard before the days get short and cold, keep taking my walks and enjoy the beautiful autumn leaves and practice relaxation techniques.

I just have to remember your advice as well as others so that I don't waste my valuable energy worrying about my sister. My muscles just get tensed up thinking about her and I'm physically drained.

So I will work on that...

Love to you too, J! XO Paislee

[bunny rabbit]

Hi All: I can certainly relate to worrying, obsessing and being codependent, trying to rescue others from the natural consequences of their choices. I have been in codependent recovery now for 20 years. I felt totally responsible for my sister's emotional needs as long as I can remember until she wanted my physical support as well which would have destroyed my mental and physical health and my marriage. Saying no was the best thing and also the hardest thing I had ever done up till that point in my life which was 1998. Since then I have said no to my son and his family taking over my house for a month when they visit here in their winter from Brazil. I said no to having contact with my parents for six years because of their toxic abuse and constant destructive behavior towards me. I have said no to my dau to help finance their spending when they couldn't meet their credit card payments. I am saying no to financing her trip to Africa and no to recommending her as a foster parent. Now she is saying no to having a relationship with me because of the strong emotions she has around me. I am praying to see this time as a gift - a pause from all the stress. The last trips she had to Africa she ended up with malaria, a severe infection due to a snake bite, ended up in an ambulance taken to emerg as soon as she landed in Canada. I could make myself really sick worrying about her. Needless to say this program is perfect for me right now. I am replacing every negative thought with a positive one. I am listening to the CD's as much as I can. I'm doing the relaxation tape each day. I exercise, practice piano and guitar and I want to get going on the flute again for Christmas carols. Blessings to all from Bunny Thank you one and all.

[manofmusic]

I'm also listening to the tapes over again starting with week one. I've learned that I can't be around all of the negativity and lately, that's all there seems to be. I'm learning to walk away. I'm learning to be nice to the people that are positive and I'm learning to walk away from the people that enjoy being negative. I know that I'll have to deal with negativity, but the less I have to deal with it, the happier I'll be. I will not go looking for negativity. Things like changing the channel, or staying away from the front page of the newspaper (or sometimes entire sections) are things that I can do to eliminate some of the stress and negativity. Sometimes unfortunately, friends and family are the reason the stress happens. The saying "you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family" is sometimes true. I find I get envious of families that appear to get along..... "appear" is the key word I guess. I loved dad (still do) and I love mom, but some others that love chaos and negativity can go away from me. I do my best to play like everything's ok, and I do in front of mom, but away from mom, I can make myself sick with stress. I'm doing my best to live positive one day at a time. I think that I'm beginning to succeed with that. I'm still finding that the one thing that stressed me out the most (work) is now the place I enjoy being.

Stay positive !

[SoWhatif]

Someone is enableing when they pay the phone bill and get invaded buy insecurity and envy.
I have my own phone account, hint hint....and I have ALL the passwords and there is NO invasion without my giving it.
Stop feeding the beast.

R

[manofmusic]

SoWhatif

Got it !

[SoWhatif]

J, Try this tune out for some serinity. Even if only for awile.
Bless you in your mission.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFRP0mcj ... re=related

From A Friend
R

PS, I have never meant any harm only your success.

[SoWhatif]

Manofmusic, it was a response to J in another thread close by. Thanks.

[Loveslife]

I knew the post was for me, R.
I just didn't know how to respond, but of course you are right.
You and Tina are always right, and I really credit the two of you, along with Marilyn, for helping turn my life around, and helping me find inner strength.

The video was very, very, very beautiful and hypnotizing.

Thank you.
Love,
J.
XO