NEGATIVE THINKING

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Kamo-My parents went through the same thing, sort of. My mother had mini strokes and then a debilitating one that caused her to wait out her days on morphine and pass on. Her frontal lobe was very damaged as well as the ability to eat. My father right after came down with cancer and died a few months later. But had time to take care of his financial affairs and such.

It was hard to see them change as well, mostly for my Dad as he was so healthy and cared for my Mother and it got to a point where my Mother didn't recognize my Dad as her husband and when my son died the year prior to her death, she would keep asking at the funeral who died. So just like your Mother, it was every 5 minutes asking the same question and this was before my son had passed on. My Father got grumpy towards his later years and we were the brunt of it, as they moved near us out of 6 children to choose from. So he was always a part of our lives for the last 12 years. So it was hard, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to live with an alcoholic.

I just remember my Dad as being really nice and later on he changed and it was hard seeing that he wasn't the same old Dad I use to know. So I know my anxiety and depression came about from issues with my Dad later in life and his interfering in my family life, a long story about that.

So I don't blame you at all for not wanting to visit them.

My husband is the same way, not a planner and I'm like you and like to know what is going on week to week. So it has been hard adjusting to eachother's personalities. It worked fine when I'm in "charge" so to speak, but when a 20 year old son starts taking over my space, I am not a happy camper! My daughter had been taking over in helping my husband with our business and she is a planner as well so she does a great job, but my sons aren't appreciating her and she gets her feelings hurt. So there is so much drama going around.

Well, the way I see it with your father, I don't believe you have to put up with your father's abuse. I wish I had stood up to my Father more often, my husband did and my Dad did not like that. But my Dad would come back 3 days later a happy camper while we are all devastated and feeling guilty b/c we disagreed with him or stood up for ourselves. It was like my Dad relished in the confrontation...possibly giving him "relief" from frustration that he was ruminating over. He would settle things with us and a week later he would be back with the same complaint. Ugh...it was awful. I truly ended up with a deep depression and was put on antidepressants. All was stemmed from financial struggles and my father helping us early in our marriage.

So for your mental health, keep your visits minimal. I didn't see any guilt with my siblings when they only saw my parents once a year and maybe for a week when they were pleasant. They didn't suffer except for two siblings from my Dad's criticism. If it helps...you can still visit your folks and just vent on here. There are people that are understanding of your problems as well as me. Paislee

[KAMO]

Hi Kamo-My parents went through the same thing, sort of. My mother had mini strokes and then a debilitating one that caused her to wait out her days on morphine and pass on. Her frontal lobe was very damaged as well as the ability to eat. My father right after came down with cancer and died a few months later. But had time to take care of his financial affairs and such.

It was hard to see them change as well, mostly for my Dad as he was so healthy and cared for my Mother and it got to a point where my Mother didn't recognize my Dad as her husband and when my son died the year prior to her death, she would keep asking at the funeral who died. So just like your Mother, it was every 5 minutes asking the same question and this was before my son had passed on. My Father got grumpy towards his later years and we were the brunt of it, as they moved near us out of 6 children to choose from. So he was always a part of our lives for the last 12 years. So it was hard, but I can't imagine how hard it would be to live with an alcoholic.

I just remember my Dad as being really nice and later on he changed and it was hard seeing that he wasn't the same old Dad I use to know. So I know my anxiety and depression came about from issues with my Dad later in life and his interfering in my family life, a long story about that.








So I don't blame you at all for not wanting to visit them.

My husband is the same way, not a planner and I'm like you and like to know what is going on week to week. So it has been hard adjusting to eachother's personalities. It worked fine when I'm in "charge" so to speak, but when a 20 year old son starts taking over my space, I am not a happy camper! My daughter had been taking over in helping my husband with our business and she is a planner as well so she does a great job, but my sons aren't appreciating her and she gets her feelings hurt. So there is so much drama going around.

Well, the way I see it with your father, I don't believe you have to put up with your father's abuse. I wish I had stood up to my Father more often, my husband did and my Dad did not like that. But my Dad would come back 3 days later a happy camper while we are all devastated and feeling guilty b/c we disagreed with him or stood up for ourselves. It was like my Dad relished in the confrontation...possibly giving him "relief" from frustration that he was ruminating over. He would settle things with us and a week later he would be back with the same complaint. Ugh...it was awful. I truly ended up with a deep depression and was put on antidepressants. All was stemmed from financial struggles and my father helping us early in our marriage.

So for your mental health, keep your visits minimal. I didn't see any guilt with my siblings when they only saw my parents once a year and maybe for a week when they were pleasant. They didn't suffer except for two siblings from my Dad's criticism. If it helps...you can still visit your folks and just vent on here. There are people that are understanding of your problems as well as me. Paislee

Thanks for your encouragement. I talked to my Pastor today because I was concerned I was breaking the 5th Commandment, Honor Your Mother and Your Father. He listed to what was going on and said based on the way my father was treating me, I was not breaking that Commandment by not wanting to see him and honoring him. To love him because he is my biological father is one thing, but I don't have to put up with the way I'm being treated. In fact, he said this Commandment could be referring to God as our mother and father, and not our earthly parents. Thanks for being there.

[Paisleegreen]

I'm glad you were able to talk to your Pastor. My understanding of that Law is to Honor our parents by showing gratitude for the gift of life they have given us and respect by taking care of them in their old age. But sometimes for our own sanity and mental and physical health we must distance ourselves from them. Just as it says, that we leave a Mother and Father to become a new family when we marry. Many children stay with parents who are toxic and need be taken away. My parents had to do that to my sister, and to this day this sister has mental problems and my niece has difficulty on where to draw the line. P.

[CurbsideProphet]

I just finished listening to Session 3, and boy that was tough. I never realized how many negative thoughts, especially "what if's" I have during the day. I realized I actually wake up with a negative thought, usually, how lonely am I going to be today with my husband at work and what if something happens and he doesn't come home. That brings on an anxiety attack real quick. Now I just have to learn how to get rid of my negative thinking. I've been trying to tell myself all morning that everything will be fine, but it doesn't always work out and I'm dealing with anxiety right now. Any suggestions would be welcomed and appreciated.

Hi KAMO, I'm still going through the program so I'm in the same boat but I think another important aspect is that you need to believe those positive thoughts you are replacing those negative ones with.

The important thing at this point, I think, is that you're realizing and identifying your negative thoughts and that's a huge first step. Maybe saying "everything will be fine" is too general. Make it more specific, "He'll be home just fine. Just like the day before and the day before that." Keep yourself busy too, if you're home, stay active or get involved with projects in your community that will make you feel like you're making a difference. Helping others,knowing you're making a difference, will always be a big self-esteem booster. Wallowing in pity only magnifies the negativity effect.

[KAMO]

I thank all of you for your encouragement and great advice. Maybe we should be the doctors, ha ha!

[Paisleegreen]

You're right, Kamo!

Hey, I do want to add, that I was able to get some Progesterone Cream made from Wild Yam roots. It seems that it is calming me down a bit. I am backing down on putting so much on, as I was beginning to feel really tired and maybe a bit foggy. So I will see how it goes...as my Psychiatrist did suggest that it is probably my hormones or lack of hormones that is giving me some of the anxiety issues. And I was on a website where anxiety can be a part of the Perimenopause or Post menopause state of being women. I can only surmise that this is part of it as I never had panic attacks or anxious feelings before.

[KAMO]

You're right, Kamo!

Hey, I do want to add, that I was able to get some Progesterone Cream made from Wild Yam roots. It seems that it is calming me down a bit. I am backing down on putting so much on, as I was beginning to feel really tired and maybe a bit foggy. So I will see how it goes...as my Psychiatrist did suggest that it is probably my hormones or lack of hormones that is giving me some of the anxiety issues. And I was on a website where anxiety can be a part of the Perimenopause or Post menopause state of being women. I can only surmise that this is part of it as I never had panic attacks or anxious feelings before.

My doctor also told me he thought menopause was partly the cause of my anxiety attacks, but I have always been a worrier and I wonder if menopause has just brought the anxiety to the surface. I've thought about using hormonal creams, but don't know much about how they work or if they would even help my problem. I could try them though, but I don't think my insurance covers this. Are they very expensive? I just work part-time on the weekends and don't have all that much extra money to spare.

[theresalasalle]

I understand about the negative thinking how it spirals into a panick attack, but I disagree with one of Lucindas statements, and that is that she said "most of our negative thougts are not reality" but In my case they are reality. Their are some really bad things that happened to me and my health. So some of these negative thoughts ARE REALITY. This is the challenge to change. Big challenge .......

[Paisleegreen]

HI Kamo,

I'm sorry I didn't get back to you on the Bio Identical hormones. There is a place called AIM that makes vitamins and supplements. Also, your family Dr should be able to prescribe Estrace, a bio identical cream for Estrogen. It is the Progesterone that helps calm you down. Estrace helps with hot flashes and skin drying. The cost is minimal, considering, what HRT costs these days, but with the cream you can use sparingly and test to see what works. My cream can last for a long time.

Also, try and eat foods with Omega 3's in it and go walking. This will help you to feel better. paislee