So this is me... journaling publically... wow!

[Suzie_Q]

I'm new to the board, not so new to the program. I ordered the program in late July for a get well/birthday gift to myself. I had just had a traumatizing experience a few weeks before i ordered the program and did not feel ready to start it at that time. That made the 14 day trial period cause me to have a major panic attack every time I looked at the box the program arrived in. It took me until the 14th day to actually open the box, by that time I was being contacted my StressCenter.com to see how I was liking the program! I explained my situation and got my 14 day trial time extended so that I actually had 28 total trial days. That allowed me to actually play the first CD! After listening to it I immediately panicked and complllleeeetellly dragged my feet to ever listen to it again or to try any of the homework. So here it is, late October and I've finally gotten to disc 3 and am kinda starting to do the homework.

I write in a journal with paper & pen occasionally, and don't typically have time for the computer, or to sit down at all alot of times. I have been keeping track of anxiety & depression causing substances I ingest and the time consumed including sugar, caffeine, nicotine and marijuana. I've been weaning my coffee to decaf for a few months and am now completely off caffeine, but I drink alot of decaf throughout the day still. I've got my sugar to under 50 grams a day, and am working on reducing and stopping smoking cigarettes and at least seriously cut back on the pot I smoke. Hard to know if stopping smoking pot is necessary, but I at least need to cut back alot. I'm very careful what I eat, only all natural organic foods, no preservatives, very little dairy, only sprouted whole grains, lots of veggies, fruits, meats and nuts. I take vitamins and minerals, natural supplements and natural pain relievers (most of the time).

I used to exercise daily but lately I've been too overwhelmed with all the things I need to do to feel I have much time for taking care of myself the way i need to physically and especially mentally and emotionally. I know the relaxation CD or meditating would help, but just the thought of doing either of those is extremely overwhelming and my limbs just feel like dead weight. I'm able to use positive self talk to get through some tasks (ones that would "normally" of eaten me alive with too much anxiety to be able to start the task let alone finish it), but have not yet been able to do so with self care. I guess that means the depression is kickin it pretty hard, I have had alot of issues to cause depression lately. It's funny how ya can't always see the cause of something til ya start writing about it (or talking if ya have someone to talk to anyways).

So today I had this great idea & actually put it into action rather then just thinking about it.. hehe. Like soo many great thoughts and ideas lately... Using a large dry erase board I made a chart of all of my waking hours for a week, and am keeping track of everything I do during my waking hours. Every little thing. Learning to be accountable for every moment of my day, will be practice and help me get ready to start tracking my thought patterns soon as well. Will also help to smooth out some of the overwhelmednessity I experience soooo many of my waking hours.

I'm gonna be ok! I'm gonna get through this! And I'm sculpting my way to the wonderfully awesome person I dream of being!

Suzie Q

[tina martin]

Hi Suzie. This is terrific. People can learn and work the program as you are doing. The program is an important piece, but it needs our help and cooperation. Altogether, much can be accomplished. Be patient, persistent, and optimistic.

Wishing you the best. Keep us posted.

[Suzie_Q]

Yesterday was such a great day, i felt that I'd made huge accomplishments towards a goal that has been weighted down by excessive anxiety and what if thinking. At the end of my work day, I found a huge mistake/flaw in the work that I had felt so successful about just a little while before. It left me feeling quite devastated and humiliated, that I could take such fine work and screw it up so freakin badly! I was on a such a good high of self confidence that I was able to correct a small portion of the flaw before calling it a day intending on finishing fixing all the rest of it today. Today however, is the 2nd day of no caffeine, apparently weaning myself down as much as I have for months was not enough to eliminate the withdraws. So along with feeling a bit lazy, my anxiety is kinda skyrocketed again today, which sucks cuz the weather is so pretty and nice and there's sooo many outdoor tasks that need doing and I could be out enjoying it, but I just need to let the withdraws chill out. Weird that the 1st caffeine free day was so full of energy and confidence, practically anxiety free, but the 2nd is ughhhh! 3rd may be worse, hopefully not since the weather is going to be so nice all week.
Keeping track of my every waking hour seems to be helping me to feel better about myself and how I spend my time. I add a smiley face to every hour block to remind myself to accept and approve of myself at all times.

Thanxz for the encouraging words Tina

Suzie Q

[tina martin]

Want to share that I once also had a caffeine habit and slowly reduced it to one cup of diluted, but regular, instant coffee in the morning. Then it's only decaf, also diluted.

I seem to be an acronym junkie. Here is another one, PAP: Praise, Acceptance, Persistence. We almost have to learn to praise ourself for all we do on a regular basis. Hope all is going well with you.

[KAMO]

I was a caffeine addict also, but slowly switched to decaf. I would fix a pot of coffee with 1/2 regular and 1/2 decaf, then the next week use more decaf than regular until I was drinking all decaf without any side effects. I used to use a lot of sugar, but am now down to about 1/2 of what I used to use and am trying to lower that amount. I'm also a cigarette smoker, but that's the one thing that I should and have not been able to give up. When I have an anxiety attack, I can go through a whole pack in 3 hours. I think your idea of the chalk board is a good one and I may give that a try myself. Good luck to you.

[tina martin]

Well, I smoked too and also got rid of it gradually many years ago. I think I started by not inhaling, just blowing the smoke around. Now there are patches, I think, to help the process along. It's a tough one, to be sure, but can be done.

[KAMO]

Well, I smoked too and also got rid of it gradually many years ago. I think I started by not inhaling, just blowing the smoke around. Now there are patches, I think, to help the process along. It's a tough one, to be sure, but can be done.

Unfortunately for me, I can't use the patches because of medications I'm on, so it would have to be cold turkey. With having anxiety attacks, I'm just not ready to add that to my list of problems.

[Suzie_Q]

I'm on my 3rd day with straight up decaf and I'm absolutely amazed at how hard I "crashed" I was so sure that 1/2 caff for a few weeks weaned down to 1/4 caff for a couple more weeks would of made this not suck so bad, but maybe that's one of those magical thinking things described in session 4 lol.

So once again, I feel as if I wasted another nice day with little accomplishments. I know I need slow days sometimes, so I approve of my decision to take it easy 2 days in a row, especially with them being caffeine withdraw days.

I think my hormone balance is screwed up also, kinda has been ever since my hysterectomy 3 years ago. I've noticed my depression become more or less severe each time I try to adjust my hormone replacement therapy. I hate the idea of taking any type of pharmaceutical, prescription or over the counter. It's important to me to have an all natural and organic lifestyle regarding everything I ingest, even my coffee is organic. so for me to take a prescription medication even if I probably really do need it, it's such a huge conflict of interests to me. I've been working my dosage down to as little as possible for a while. Not sure if it's healthy for me to go through menopause when I'm 38, but not sure I want to continue taking a pharmaceutical. Is that unrealistic fears? Or OCD behavior? Or just very health conscious? Even my pain management for my fibromyalgia consists of natural remedies, with an occasional aspirin for more serious pain from an injury (such as the tendentious in my right arm).

Yeah I know cigarettes aren't healthy or natural (not my brand anyways), but they've been a part of my identity for more than 20 years. They're not just something I do to altar a feeling or behavior, they are my friend. My best friend. My only friend. Well, so was caffeine,... caffeine has been one of my most dear and true friends for probly 30 years. I know that caffeine and nicotine have gotten me through so many situations that (at the time) I didn't think I could get through with out them. Such true friends. So there for me! Really? Are friends supposed to cause anxiety, depression and stress? But I thought they were helping me with these issues?? Such lying bastards they are! Are friends supposed to be such liars? Wow. Maybe I'm better off without these kind of friends. But can I quit them? Do I really want to? I don't know.

[Paisleegreen]

Congratulations, Susie_Q for journaling. I can only imagine what you are going through. As I've never smoked cigs or the other, stayed away from caffeine and even soda pop. Once I experienced soda pop, and how it revved me up, and then to crash the next day and be a completely grouchy, I knew I could not drink my favorite tasting pop. I had enough to worry about with PMS to be grouchy.

But now being Post Menopause for about a year, I really can't even enjoy sugary snacks unless I've been walking and been in the sunshine having fun. But then I don't really feel the desire for them as much, except possibly some yummy soft serve chocolate ice cream or even a treat at 31 flavors. I have to eat a birthday cake sparingly and now don't even have a regular soda pop.

But my waistline is doing pretty good for being 57, it does help that this anxious condition I'm in forces me to take walks when I don't want to. Because I know I will feel better.

So since I haven't used nicotine or caffeine to cope with things, I have over done other activities that are healthy but still can cause problems if done without balance. If I overdo my gardening b/c it makes me feel good, then I'm sore and achey and then I'm no good for anyone else and housework doesn't get done. So we all have our vices or coping mechanisms that can cause havoc. I ended up with Carpal Tunnel and surgery due to my overdoing in the "weed pulling" and "rock collecting" department. Although, the Dr says that stress can cause that, so which came first, stress that caused me to overdo it with repetition activities such as gardening and outdoor activity or did the stress to my hands cause me to feel stressful.

I would have to say that my overdoing it due to enjoyment in the activity brought on the stress related injury. Just as one can get hurt from snow skiing or swimming or any other type of sport or fun activity. The activity was done for fun and if life gets stressful due to unforeseen tragedy or circumstances, then the increase of the fun activity follows to feel better. Right?