Feeling like a failure :(

[HeathAnn]

I know how negative the subject of this post is... it's just been a really bad couple of weeks. I was SO gung-ho when I first started the the program program. Slowly but surely, though, I feel like it's like everything else I try -- it works for awhile and then things get bad and I feel hopeless.

Here's the problem: I literally feel like I have no control over my anxiety. I know (or at least I think I do) that's not really true, but when my anxiety gets ahold of me, the only thing that remotely calms me down is my Xanax. I hate that. The program works great when I'm not feeling the weight of my anxiety so much (my anxiety is not really 24/7, it comes in "spurts") but like I said, when I'm feeling a lot of anxiety, it's like NOTHING works (except medication).

Let me give you an example of what I mean. So I have this boyfriend, and he's wonderful. He treats me really well and he puts up with a LOT from me because I'm very sensitive and emotional. He has 2 children (his wife passed away) and also a very demanding job. He makes as much time for me as he possibly can, even if it's just having a conversation over text. But I feel like I'm constantly throwing fits to him. If I don't hear from him for several hours, I freak out and get petty and whiny and anxious because I'm convinced I'm not important enough to him and then he gets mad at me for being so self-centered (which I think he's justified) and so then I have a huge amount of anxiety because he's mad and I'm afraid he's going to break up with me.

This is literally the story of my life. I'm so so tired of feeling like my self-worth depends on another person. I'm tired of being sooooo selfish. And I always resolve to be better, but for every ONE step forward I take, I feel like I take about 50 steps back when I let my emotion/anxiety get the better of me and I push people away by throwing childish fits.

Like I said, I felt so optimistic about this program when I started, and I'm trying to continue to be optimistic, but I'm just starting to feel like everything I try, including the program, is hopeless. I'm just doomed to be incredibly selfish, insecure, and anxious...

I'm a mess. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

H.

[HeathAnn]

One other thing I meant to say (even though I think I implied it) is that I'm terrified of completely ruining my relationships with people. If my boyfriend breaks up with me, it will be my own fault and that scares me. So why isn't my fear enough to make me change? Why do I keep reverting back to the bad things I do?

[early31]

The program works better the more you practice the lessons. When you're feeling good is a great time to practice what the lessons teach and same for when you're having a panic attack. If you need to, take medication. Don't feel bad about it. Then keep at it. The more practice the better. It'll take time, patience, practice and all that.
Hope that helps.

[Clarysage]

it sounds like you are being so hard on yourself. I can really relate to those feelings. Stop that negative freight train going in your head. Try to slow it down and calm yourself. You can get better and you will. You are not doomed. That is just another negative thought in your head. Believe me I have spent years living in my head. This program is liberating and it will free you. You did not become like this overnight and it will take time and little by little everyday you can make progress. Try, and keep trying. Try to follow the direction given through the CD's and the workbook. Try to calm yourself and remind yourself that you have a choice in this moment to a.) continue with the worry/fear thoughts, or b.) explore what are your options in this situation, what are your choices right here and right now. Choose what will be empowering, safe, healthy. I need to concern myself with taking care of myself.

I know about the being gung-ho and then losing steam. getting discouraged. This is a very hard spot to be in and once we allow ourselves to get there it is all the more difficult to get out sometimes. You will get out of this bog. It is ok. This is just what you are experiencing at the moment. It will not last, nor do you have to stay there.

I have been in this program only three weeks and I am still on fire with it. I am so tired of having issues and problems with life and other people and myself. I am throwing everything I can at this to try to get better. I listen to positive affirmation CD's and read helpful books from the library. Get all the help you can from as many sources as you can. I did kind of over do it my first week and since have calmed down a bit. I do not have to do this perfectly nor do I have to be all well by next Tuesday.

I hope this is helpful. I wish only to be supportive. I am just so passionate about this. I have been beating myself up for most of my life and I am determined now more than ever to get well.

[gmb5900]

Wow, your post really got my attention because I can relate. I just began the program again after not finishing it. I'm excited too but the present situation in my life keeps nagging at me and stiring up my anxiety. I just recently lost my job and have no savings! I thought I had anxiety under contoll--until now! All the old problems seem to rise up and try to take control of my life. For the first week I couldn't eat or function. Though my reaction may be extreme I think it normal to be anxious because I lost my Job. I suppose I will always have some uneasiness in me until I get another job. It's like my life is on track and one thing can knock it off. That "control issue" IS really key. I can't always be in control of my life but I can be in control of myself-thoughts. When I try to control my life I feel out of control. When I work to control myself, my life is less cayotic. That is what the program is helping me to do. When I don't understand what is going on, I can turn on the program and follow the steps. Lucinda tells us to not try to analyze the program, just do it. Last time I did the program I did try to stay in control of it. Now, I just need HELP! and I thank God Lucinda provided this program to help me. I'm glad it is in a formant I can go back to and find help. Just don't give up! Keep your efforts in the right direction. We can't control the world. In time the situations in life will change but we can find a way to be happier in spite of life. That is what I hope to find by continuing the program.

[gmb5900]

Thanks "Clarysage" for the reminder to not beat up on myself. I do that all the time.

[Paisleegreen]

Heathann--I am futher along than you are in life and in the program. I've even been off of Xanax after being put on them after I weaned myself off of one of my antidepressants. I was put on Xanax not really knowing what it does or why it would help me. Which was I had a "rubbery" leg feeling due to being off of Cymbalta but still on Welbrutrin. Plus I had some personal things happen within my family that caused me much stress, sadness and disappointment. Anyway, I worked with a Psychologist and he had me use the workbook by Dr David Burns-10 Steps to Self Esteem. The counseling and workbook helped me to wean off of Welbutrin and Xanax. Then 4 months later, I had another shocking event happen and since I wasn't on those meds, I experienced my first panic attack after I had a massage, a Soma and then taken my Temazepam. I was so relaxed that I felt faint and scared.

That is when I had my first ever panic attack...very scary and physically painful in my gut region. Anyway, long story, but I have to say that I used Xanax again for the panic attacks, until I got things under control again. What I'm saying now is that through Lucinda's program and a different Psychologist, I've been able to be Xanax free for a year, although I keep it near me.

I also have done activities I haven't done for 32 years, and traveled to places by myself and stayed by myself. But just recently I was stressed by something my son did and I felt very depressed, it wasn't a big deal to someone else, but in my fragile state of trying to regain good feelings, less anxiety, this really hurt my feelings. So I finally took 1/2 of .5 Xanax last night, it helped me to calm down more so that I don't get anxious if I'm on the computer or my husband or son says anything. I've been coping with things without medication except for sleep. I have used exercise, sunshine, high protein meals such as chicken, beef, tuna, salmon, eggs, seafood, and nuts to help me feel better and keep anxiety symptoms at bay.

This has worked very well, but my exercise routine had been cut back and like I said, some stressors have affected me more than usual. Plus a dear friend was going away for a few months. So I was very sad. Anyway, I don't feel bad about taking the Xanax, but I know that I will be okay with out it. But I definitely needed it the other day.

I also know that things aren't going to change right away, that it takes time. Just keep working the program, listen to the CDs as often as you can. I use to listen to some of them while I took a bath, I was so "scared". Now I'm just fine taking a bath and a shower. The steam use to scare me.

Now after watching 9/11 stuff all day I appreciate even more what I have and that some of the things or lack of control I have aren't as bad as I'm making them out to be. It is hard to keep our emotions in check, but it is possible. Keep posting if you can... I know that for me posting on here is what helped me the most. Paislee

[qutycute]

i have just started 2 use this program 4 the past week. i like all of u, have very bad depression n anxiety, n want 2 get rid of it. i went back n forth with dif anti depresants, n anxiety meds, that didnt help me, then i have been taking herbal supplements, but it felt like its been takin a while. so i talk 2 a family friend, shes a hypnotherapist, n i had gotten another depresant, but didnt wanna take it but she said it will help, mayb faster then the 5htp, st.johns wart, n ashwagandha. that the paxil would help faster... so i just started takin them.. i really just wanna get better. i have probably had anxeity n depression my whole life, but its been real bad 4 the past 2 yrs. 4 a while i craeted an ocd, about my breathing, like thats all i would think of, n i would force myself 2 breathe... it has gotten a lil better. but still there, then my racing thoughts, of all kinds of negative thinkin, always thinkin when im around ppl, they are thinkin bad things of me, even around family n friends. n it sux!! i loose concentration... even just watching tv, n watching others doin somethin with their life, weather their actin or singin or whatever it mayb. n i feel like im incapeable of that! hurts n sux! i used 2 feel like i could do nethin, n i was strong. i dnt feel ne of that! n i have soo much responsibilty. n i havent been workin, with a steady job 4 over 2 yrs. n my unemployment is running out in 2 weeks.. gettin scared.. its soo hard 2 focus. i even started school in april, n i had 2 take a break, i just hope i get better so i could focus, pay attention, stop being panicy n racing negative thoughts. n think every1 is thinkin all kinds of things about me... n most likely they probably dnt even notice me, n even if they do im never gona c them again.... idk. i hope 2 get better n this program helps, n every1 gets better... cuz theres so many ppl that dnt understand what we go through on a day 2 day basis. i try real hard 2 have faith!!! but its sooo hard!!!!