Wish Me Luck...Please :)

[Momof2cuteboys]

Well, it will be one year in October with NO panic attacks...now I still had some down days, but nothing like before, but here goes....

1) Been here in the same town my whole life (30 years) and now my husband got a new job elsewhere...I am so excited, but honestly starting to freak out...he starts next Wednesday.

2) My parents got divorced in 2001, my mom left, my sister left and I was here to "take care" of my dad...kind of the role I gave myself, now I am scared to leave him...it's really freaking me out! He's been a huge part of me getting healthy.

3) We still can't find a place to live so my husband will be staying with family there for all week long until the weekends while I stay here ALONE with our two kids (3 and 4 years old). I haven't been by "myself" since we been together (8 years) and now I'm scared of that plus doing it with kids...which will keep me company but I am going to admit some days they get me on edge and that worries me...I don't want all the old anxiety scary thoughts coming back at all, I really don't

4) My Grandpa's been in the hospital for 13 days now and still not out...I been going out of town to see him every couple of days and am starting to feel tired I think. I HATE seeing him in the hospital

5) Had to put a dog down in April and had to get rid of our other one as no where seems to allow us to have more than one dog in rentals. I really enjoy my dogs...they give me a lot of comfort so doing this has stressed me out.

6) Money has been tight lately...more than ever before and I think it's stressing me out too.

7) I just no motivation to start packing or anything; I'd rather lay on the couch and watch movies or play games on the computer to keep my mind occupied...I been getting really frustrated with our kids lately and I feel so bad...like a bad parent; I don't like yelling at them and don't mean to I just lose my cool...our oldest is quite free spirited to say the least. Does this make me a bad parent feeling so frustrated or annoyed with them almost each day? I don't want to feel like this so then this brings intrusive thoughts that make me bonkers.

8) I am deathly afraid of going back to where I was...I been doing so well at fighting this thing and keeping the anxiety at bay and now I just keep worrying about "where is the anxiety" "how come I don't have it yet" "what's wrong with you now" "what if it comes back" "what if when you are alone something bad happens" (like when my husband's gone for work once he starts) "what if you get too frustrated with the kids" and on and on and on....

I hate this feeling, I really do. I want to keep going forward and not be so afraid and so scared. I don't want to be a bad person or a crazy person or a bad mom. I really want more than this out of life and sitting here worrying about something that isn't happening yet is making me mad at myself.

Just stress maybe????

[newrunner]

I wish you luck for sure.

You sure have a lot of changes happening in your life.

As I read your post, a couple of things struck me. First, you aren't alone in the town, because your dad is there. And second, I totally relate to not wanting to pack, etc. When I get stressed, I procrastinate. And deep down you know that you "should" be doing the activity you are avoiding, so then your mood gets short, etc. I'm sorry that your grandpa is in the hospital and that you don't have control over that. You are a great granddaughter for loving him. I'm sure he appreciates it so much. You are being a great role model for your kids, by your actions. You care for your dad and grandpa, you don't like to be apart from your husband but you do what you have to do, to get by temporarily, you make plans for the future, and you let them help you pack and be a helper to their family too.

I hope the job change is a good one and things smooth out soon. This too shall pass. Do your lessons that you learned, do your best and you'll be done with it in time. And then you'll be amazed at what you've done.

[pjmorales]

It absolutely is the stress, i will reply more later but its funny you said that about wondering where your anxiety is. When i started having my first panic attacks i can remember waking up some mornings feeling fine, then i would freak out because i felt to calm. Feeling good would actually freak me out, how crazy is that?

[Paisleegreen]

I agree, it is the stress you are feeling. I had to put my dog down two years ago, and I still mourn the loss of him. So I can only imagine what all the new changes that are happening to you. I would definitely be procrastinating too. I am in a way, I'm recovering from a mini vacation by myself where I did a lot of thinking and activity and was around happy people. Now I'm home where it is hot and see all that needs to get done. So I'm feeling the stress myself, and I'm staying home!

You're feeling normal for all that needs to be done and the changes in your lifestyle and relationships with loved ones. Paislee

[Momof2cuteboys]

Thanks all, I appreciate the encouragement

So far I am on week two by myself *WHOO HOO* and NOOOOO anxiety attacks...I am so proud of myself. I am now trying to get through a cold ugh, but it's almost gone, but I still feel that medicine head feeling...hate that feeling!

Just wanted to update you all and let you know I am doing good! God has a big plan for our lives I just know it. Just a matter of taking things day by day right now!

Hope you all are doing great as well!!

[Paisleegreen]

Glad to hear it! P