How can I be my own safe place when I cause the anxiety?

[Cathy6164]

If I'm creating my own anxiety/panic, how can I be my own safe place????

Let me re-cap for you a little bit about myself.....

Oct 2009, company I worked for disolved and I went from working 40 hours
a week to 2 days a week.

Jan 27 2010, lost my beloved 28 year old daughter to drug overdose. She left
behind a 3yr old daughter who my husband and I have custody of.

February 4, had to put 12 year old dog down (he started taking seizures
the day of my daughters viewing).

Feb to May, back and forth with bio Dad and his mother about custody/
visitation of grand daughter, in the end, he walked away and we have
custody.

June/July, experienced depression (think it all caught up with me) and
started having anxiety and panic attacks. Began avoiding all places
where I had panic attacks.

August, went to family dr. and he put me on Lexapro. Lexapro took my
anxiety from a 4 to a 10. Got off Lexapro and needed Xanax to get me calm.

Tried Buspar, tried zoloft, both made anxiety worse.

Bought this program at the end of December and began it in January.

Finished the program a couple of weeks ago and must say that it has
helped significantly. I still get anticipatory anxiety, I still don't
feel like I could go out and conquer the world as some have described
after completing the program.

I still hate being alone as this gives me too much time to think.
I can take a weird body feeling and run with it.
I can take a scary thought and run with it though, on both instances,
I now realize what I'm doing and that I'm causing the problems and I can
control it better.

Am I missing something? Am I expecting too much considering my life
circumstances? But most of all, why don't I feel the "safe" place
with myself? I feel safer with my husband and grand daughter around me
or other family members. How can I go about feeling "safe" with myself
when I'm with myself I cause myself to become anxious???

This may sound weird but my anxiety had gotten so bad that this is now
what I fear, becoming soooo anxious and in a nervous state that I can't
calm down and that I'm going to lose my mind.

any input is greatly appreciated. Thanks for listening!!!

Cathy

[newrunner]

Hi Cathy-

I'm sorry for your loss of your daughter and job. And sorry that you are having a hard time.

It does seem silly doesn't it? I found that when I distracted my brain when I felt anxiety, I felt calmer and then I was able to gain confidence because I did something about my problem. And the confidence grew and now I feel remarkably better and have been handling things alot better.

Your issues are fairly recent, and so I bet you are still reeling inside. Keep at it, be tender to yourself and don't listen to "shoulds".

I found the book "Freedom from Fear" by Dr. Howard Leibgold super helpful in teaching me techniques to get thru the icky times, instead of just steeling myself and being stiff. A lady I met on this forum goes to his self help classes and told me about him. I found the book kind of funny and it helped me to laugh at my thought processes. I bought it at a local bookstore. He also has a website www.angelnet.com , if you need a CD to listen to.

How are you taking care of yourself? Can you exercise and be outside? Eat well and sleep well? I found exercise and less sugar to be very helpful to me.

I'll pray for you and your family. God speed to you.

[newrunner]

Sorry for the loss of your dog, too. Didn't mean to forget him/her.

[Paisleegreen]

Cathy, you sound like me! Your summary of what is happening to you is very familiar to my story or the story in my parents life.

I'll just begin with a few things, as it could take all day. I lost my 15 1/2 year old son to suicide 8 years ago, my husband and I have had business losses and successes. We worry about our other children, which in general they are pretty good kids or young adults.

I have a sister I worry about as she had a child that my parents ended up raising due to her bad behavior or irresponsibility and to this day is mentally unable to function in life as far as holding a job or keeping her house and finances straight. My husband and I took a recent rescue mission to see how she was doing and it was quite depressing. She is a hoarder and was fearful of being evicted from her trailer. She doesn't make payments for her trailer park lot rent and because she spends her government aid money on thrift store items she thinks she will sell on Ebay, when she hasn't had her computer set up for four years due to her messy trailer.

Even when we hooked her up and fixed a leaking pipe under her trailer, she did more bizarre behavior that makes no sense, and moved to a motel after we left her. Anyway, a long story, but it is very upsetting to her daughter that my parent raised and is now a mother of several wonderful children and has a great husband and this sister doesn't want to live near her "family".

My parents passed on from illnesses after my son's suicide and other relatives followed. So I understand how you can be very affected by your life's circumstances. I agree, rest the best you can, things will get better as you work this program. Pailsee

[ms2ndchance]

Hey Cathy,

I am so sorry for you lost. I know how you feel living with anxiety but remember that you are not going to lose your mind...... God Bless...