Skeptical but will try anything

[fender]

I am just starting this program and am on week 2. Although I suffer from panic attacks, and have so since 1992, I did not purchase the program to deal with that, per-say. I learned a long time ago to not fear panic attacks and just ignore them, and that made them almost disappear completely. I rarely have a "typical" panic attack these days.

I purchased the program because I have something that I think is anxiety and it is accompanied by extremely strong feelings of what I can only describe as terrifying future visions. Mostly in the morning when I wake up and my head is clear, I almost immediately go into a real panic. Not because of the symptoms of a "typical" panic attack, but rather because of the thoughts I am having are horrifying to me. The thoughts are images of myself in the future, being elderly, sick, alone, poor, un cared for... I could go on, but that should paint the general picture. Following the visions, I become depressed and the ordeal has been going on now for almost 9 months.

A little background: I am 49 and have been an "A" typical male my entire life. A heavy smoker, but extremely healthy and strong. Anxiety, stress and turmoil have been a daily thing for ever. Last year however, is when things changed. I had a surgical procedure last year that went bad and almost killed me. I was on life support for 3 weeks and was hospitalized for 2 months. A short list of all the complications includes septic shock, lung failure, kidney failure, liver failure, blood clot and dysphasia. I am very happy to say that currently, I have a clean bill of health. Everything reversed and all systems are back to functional. I am still working on the finishing touches of rebuilding my core strength, otherwise I am back to where I started. Except mentally!!

I do not know if my mental condition is temporary like everything else turned out to be, or if I was permanently damaged by the infection, or the hordes of drugs they pumped into my body. Looking over the meds lists of what they were feeding me while I was hospitalized it is a wonder I am still alive for that reason alone. The list included heavy doses of anxiety and depression meds (I had tubes down my throat and I was fighting them a lot and was restrained and tranquilized much of the time), along with the antibiotics, blood thinners, and OMG, all sorts of other drugs...

Aside from the obvious medical stuff, I also suffered financially from the ordeal. I have not been able to work for the last year and now that I am healthy enough to work, the economy, combined with my long absence is a hurdle now that could not have happened at a worse time. I am completely broke, (borrowed the money to purchase this program) and am in the process of having to file bankruptcy.

Anyway, am I on the right track here? Bad time to ask since the program is already paid for I know... (the program is actually my substitute for therapy since my insurance will not cover therapy without a diagnosis, and I can't officially do the diagnosis thing for career reasons.) My doctor thinks I should be taking Lexapro for long term anxiety treatment, but I, like most people do not like the drug route. I did not need them before last years event, why should I need them now. In saying that I should mention that I quit smoking in the hospital and never restarted so have been off of cigarettes for over a year too. Maybe that has something to do with it as well. Anyone know?

Thanks for reading (listening)...

[Paisleegreen]

Welcome, Fender! Wow, what an ordeal you have gone through! I can understand why you are waking up with these "visions" or "scary thoughts". I've had sort of the same thing and part of the thoughts or scary dreams comes from having anxiety. The mind is working on them while you sleep and then this causes your body to experience anxiety symptoms. Which in my case, I wake up extremely "scared" or have the scary feeling in the stomach feeling.

This has been my experience, and I know part of it is due to hormonal changes and weaning off of anti-depressants last year. My body reacted to not having them, when I experienced some stressful experiences. Anyway, it is a long story, written here somewhere. All I can say is that you will get better! And that I'm proud of you for quitting cig smoking, as Lucinda would be telling you that on Session 3.

I've gone through some extreme financial stresses in my married life and lost a sweet son to suicide, so all your symptoms are quite normal after the trials you have and are going through. since I first experienced my first panic attack last year, and the stressor that caused it. I have gone into a depressed and anxious state of mind and worry about getting older a lot. You have just gone through one of my worst fears, and you are a success story. All that you experienced with your illness is my future nightmare in my mind. So you made it! You are alive and well. Your finances will return, I've experienced that already and it isn't fun...but we are doing okay and have a successful small business.

We work our tails off for it, but we are surviving while others are not. And because of it we have been able to help others.
You are going to be okay... Paislee