In need of encouragement and hope!

[Karmerri]

Hi everyone,

I am so sorry if this post starts to sound like a sad sad song, but I need to vent. I am a veteran of the program, and so grateful I've done it and yes, still go back to parts here and there at times. I don't come to this website that often, definitely not like I used to. The last time I posted something it was about my father's stroke in Oct. 2010. That's what this is about. You see, he's progressing, ever so slowly. His stroke was bad, major. He still can't talk, (although he really tries to) and he is still paralyzed on his right side (they say they are getting feedback on his leg though). He has any and all tubes and stuff out of him (feeding, foley, etc.). He's really come a long way. He, unbelievably, understands stuff. He knows who we all are, and you can talk to him about anything and you can tell he understands and he laughs and motions stuff to you too.

My stress and anxiety with all this is tremendous at times. I have such sadness when I just out of the blue think of him and how he was before this suddenly happended and I am floored at the concept I will never have my dad back 100 percent. My son, who is 9 wrote a piece at school about how his grandpa's stroke is affecting him and his family and the teacher wrote me a letter and gave me a copy saying how it touched her heart sooo much. I feel GUILT that I live 2 and a half hours away from my mom and dad and can't be there to help take the load off my mom and to spend more time with my father at that UGH, nursing home. I live in the town I was born and raised in, a block away from the house I grew up in and when I go walking in the morning after I take the kids to school, some days I find myself holding back the tears when I look at my old house. I feel like I am grieving my dad, yet he is still alive!

My moods (which surprisely are actually really good alot of times) are dependent on my mom's day sometimes and I hate and resent that too. I know what you all are thinking......anxiety, sadness, guilt, resentment......Well, these are my feelings though and I don't want to be afraid of them either. Some days are great....but, some days, I wonder, why. Why did this happen and I question life soooo much right now. That's really all. Maybe it's the weather this week. All it's been doing is raining, raining, raining....

Thanks for listening!
.

[tina martin]

Your feelings are normal and natural and giving vent is probably the best you can do. I have a brother thousands of miles away with strokes. Puts me in despair at times but then I have to pick up and go on. As MUST you, esp. with a young child. There is no rhyme or reason why these things happen. It is nature. You will be surprised at the improvements he may be able to make. Support and encourage your mother. His will to fight for whatever he can regain means much.

We embrace you and wish you the best.

[Sit-N-Spin]

Hey,

I remember reading and commenting on your post.If the thoughts of your Dad are of how he was try to acxcept the Dad the way he is now !Visit the past less,because I've done the same things many times and all you get from it is sometimes mostly regret's.Draw the line on your regrets and the things you are going to do these days with your life--Meaning as I said to a buddy the other day"Take care of they self 1stttttttttttttttttttttt",peroid and of story.In life sometimes we give too much off our self until there's nothing left as we look in to the empty bag that we call our life.Try to fill that bag with some things for yourself and hold on tight,because the world and even family will try to take them away,but don't hold on too tight for you may loss them anyway.Forgive,but count it as a leason learned,forgiving does not mean that you will forget,mostly all preacher's leave that part out !!!

Best to you !

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Karmerri! I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I would say to allow your self to feel these feelings and grieve, as Tina said, it is all normal reactions. I've lost my parents due to illness as well, but partly is due to old age. That is the fact we have to face which is difficult because I always thought my parents would live forever and frankly they did compared to others. My mother was 86 and my father was 92 1/2 , they followed each other in the same year and a year after my son's death.

I watched my Mother change as she would get mini-strokes and then one that took the use of her arm and leg away for awhile, but she was able to recover. Her speech was still there, but eventually, she started to fade, more with her memory. I took care of all Obituaries, finally, needed the help of my older brother to finish with my Mom's as she passed a year after my son's death and I was so weak from not doing much that whole year after his death, I could barely sit up at the computer and type.

My parents moved to my town to be near me and my family, out of 6 other siblings they could have chosen to be near. So I know how hard it was for my siblings to not be closer, but it worked out for us as our work schedule was flexible and my parents specifically chose to be where we are because we had a major hospital near by and lived relatively between the states of where all the siblings and relatives live. So relatives traveling would often stop by.

You can only do what you can, be sure to take care of yourself. They have come a long way in medical treatments compared to when my Grandfather had strokes and all I remember is that he couldn't talk and my Grandmother and Aunts took care of him at home. So I believe there is much hope in your father getting better and it is great that he can communicate by pointing to stuff, etc. Hugs sent your way, dear lady. Paislee