It's been a while since I posted here, but I really need to now. Dad went back into the hospital a week ago. He has emphysema (sp?) and he was diagnosed last Monday with lung cancer. He always said not to feel sad or bad because he did this to himself. So I try not to. However, mom is what's worrying me. She seems to have made peace with all of this, but now she's cocerned about the cost of long term care (if dad makes it that long). I feel selfish when I say that I'm panicking because I can't even imagine what's going on in mom's mind right now.
Back to the topic, hospitals. I drive mom to the hospital and I go in with her. As soon as that "hospital smell" hits, I start shaking. I try to hide it and I think I hide it well. Mom hasn't said anything anyway. These past few weeks especially have been very hard. I go to work and I try to concentrate on the work so I can give my mind a break from everything else. I'm going for my river walks again (10 kms) and I'm careful with what I eat. I do have a dr's appt at the end of April. I've thought it over and I think I'm going to ask him for something to take the edge off.......something that I can take only when I need it. I have a fear of becoming addicted to anti-anxiety meds, but I'm thinking that the fear is probably irrational. I'm heading out to the country today to visit with family and something like that which is normally a fun thing for me to do is making me want to go back to bed and pull the covers over my head.
I just needed to vent that out. I know that there are people that can completely relate to this and I know I'm not alone, but at times like this I can't help but feel all alone.........add that selfish feeling on top of that and it makes for a pretty powerful combination.
Hospitals
Re: Hospitals
Manofmusic,
I am so sorry about your Dad. And I totally relate to your feelings of hospitals. Even before I ever had anxiety, I hated hospitals. I always felt like they just sucked the life out of me. I have talked to my friends and most of them feel the same way. Of course, they are great when you are sick and need them, but they are hard for a well person to visit. You have a lot on your plate right now. You have a lot to cope with and it won't be easy, but you can do it. Please know that you are not alone--a lot of us who used the forum before it became a total mess remember you and will be thinking of you. Take good care of yourself so you can support your Mom and Dad.
I am so sorry about your Dad. And I totally relate to your feelings of hospitals. Even before I ever had anxiety, I hated hospitals. I always felt like they just sucked the life out of me. I have talked to my friends and most of them feel the same way. Of course, they are great when you are sick and need them, but they are hard for a well person to visit. You have a lot on your plate right now. You have a lot to cope with and it won't be easy, but you can do it. Please know that you are not alone--a lot of us who used the forum before it became a total mess remember you and will be thinking of you. Take good care of yourself so you can support your Mom and Dad.
Re: Hospitals
Manofmusic!
So glad you are here! I missed you! ( we had some fun in tuneville!)
Sooooo sorry to hear about your dad:( We can't change things. No matter what your family or friends pass away from something is going to get us all! Whats great is we can love and support one another along the way. I don't like hospitals either, I have one of my biggest anxiety's~ Health! For me I would focus on love & support for my dad. Visit like you always have and cherish the time you may have left with him. Know one ever knows how long anyone has???
For your mom, I understand this as my husband & I talk about it from time to time. I guess one feels like they work their whole life to have things, and when your ends days come you really hate to see medical bills take it all away.
I can urge you towards hospice if the time would ever come. They are great !!! We had just gone though this last year.They help in every area!
With that being said, talk to your doctor about zanax. I do not like pills, and don't take much. For me, I am able to relax a bit taking it. It takes the edge off and there are times I need that. There is a time for everything. There is no shame in needing a little help over BIG obstacles! Also I don't think people like us who are afraid to take pills will be addicts because we hate taking pills! I also have taken xanax for 2 months everyday ( I split a .25 1/2 in the am 1/2 in the pm) I then skipped to every other day and weened off them, with out any trouble. That was over a year ago, and I have used maybe a total of 3 pills in the last year. Just to calm your fears about using a bit of help.
You certainly do have alot on your plate, It is good that you do have your job as it will take your mind some place else. BUT jobs can be a stressful too! I love you are going on walks, and being mindful of your eating habits. You will get through this! Another opportunity to grow. Don't forget your music!
P.S. We are here for each other!
Good to see you back. God bless and take care!
So glad you are here! I missed you! ( we had some fun in tuneville!)
Sooooo sorry to hear about your dad:( We can't change things. No matter what your family or friends pass away from something is going to get us all! Whats great is we can love and support one another along the way. I don't like hospitals either, I have one of my biggest anxiety's~ Health! For me I would focus on love & support for my dad. Visit like you always have and cherish the time you may have left with him. Know one ever knows how long anyone has???
For your mom, I understand this as my husband & I talk about it from time to time. I guess one feels like they work their whole life to have things, and when your ends days come you really hate to see medical bills take it all away.
I can urge you towards hospice if the time would ever come. They are great !!! We had just gone though this last year.They help in every area!
With that being said, talk to your doctor about zanax. I do not like pills, and don't take much. For me, I am able to relax a bit taking it. It takes the edge off and there are times I need that. There is a time for everything. There is no shame in needing a little help over BIG obstacles! Also I don't think people like us who are afraid to take pills will be addicts because we hate taking pills! I also have taken xanax for 2 months everyday ( I split a .25 1/2 in the am 1/2 in the pm) I then skipped to every other day and weened off them, with out any trouble. That was over a year ago, and I have used maybe a total of 3 pills in the last year. Just to calm your fears about using a bit of help.
You certainly do have alot on your plate, It is good that you do have your job as it will take your mind some place else. BUT jobs can be a stressful too! I love you are going on walks, and being mindful of your eating habits. You will get through this! Another opportunity to grow. Don't forget your music!
P.S. We are here for each other!
Good to see you back. God bless and take care!
Re: Hospitals
manofmusic,
I am so sorry about your dad and I know exactly what you are feeling and struggling with. I have several posts in the last few months explaining about my father. Last Oct. he had a massive stroke. We are thankful to even have him still...he is currently still in a rehab/nursing facility and we are expecting him to return home in a couple more months. He is desparately trying to talk, still is paralyzed on his left side, but is doing great in therapy and they are starting to stand him up and stuff. I live in the same area I grew up, but my family lives about 2 and a half hours away. I've been traveling to go see him every other wknd and it's tuff. I know what you mean about your mom, the long term care issue and worrying about how she's feeling and dealing with it all. I've been fighting feelings of panic here and there and doom and gloom at times too. I've listened to some of the tapes and it does seem to help at times. One day I am full of anxiety, the next, worrying about Dad, the next worrying about Mom and what if, what if, what if.
When all else fails, I go outside and stare at the trees, grass and anything green (easier now that's it's spring). For some reason, when you do that, you realize, life goes on no matter what. Take deep breaths, and take care of yourself too. You will get through this, you'll be in my prayers.
I am so sorry about your dad and I know exactly what you are feeling and struggling with. I have several posts in the last few months explaining about my father. Last Oct. he had a massive stroke. We are thankful to even have him still...he is currently still in a rehab/nursing facility and we are expecting him to return home in a couple more months. He is desparately trying to talk, still is paralyzed on his left side, but is doing great in therapy and they are starting to stand him up and stuff. I live in the same area I grew up, but my family lives about 2 and a half hours away. I've been traveling to go see him every other wknd and it's tuff. I know what you mean about your mom, the long term care issue and worrying about how she's feeling and dealing with it all. I've been fighting feelings of panic here and there and doom and gloom at times too. I've listened to some of the tapes and it does seem to help at times. One day I am full of anxiety, the next, worrying about Dad, the next worrying about Mom and what if, what if, what if.
When all else fails, I go outside and stare at the trees, grass and anything green (easier now that's it's spring). For some reason, when you do that, you realize, life goes on no matter what. Take deep breaths, and take care of yourself too. You will get through this, you'll be in my prayers.
Re: Hospitals
Man'o
I sure feel for you my friend! I understand that Mom MAY need help along the way but also please REMEMBER you! The help you can give your Mom the most is just being there. She may not see or say anything but just being there to listen is a HUGE help. Don't forget one very important thing, Moms know more than they say. Moms are special people that are always there for the kiddos no matter how old or young! Moms, seems to me, are just the type that have to be strong no matter what but they can break down too. Being there having an ear or a shoulder for her may be the best you can do. As far as meds go, there are all sorts that are fast acting and take the edge off. I have been on some and they do what they need to and can be a great help when things get tough. I sure wish I remembered the name but it took less than 15 minutes to kick in and lasted hours!
Keep your head up...... you never know where that snowball throwing, xanax stealing laughing bear might show up!!!
Take care and let me know if I can help with anything
I sure feel for you my friend! I understand that Mom MAY need help along the way but also please REMEMBER you! The help you can give your Mom the most is just being there. She may not see or say anything but just being there to listen is a HUGE help. Don't forget one very important thing, Moms know more than they say. Moms are special people that are always there for the kiddos no matter how old or young! Moms, seems to me, are just the type that have to be strong no matter what but they can break down too. Being there having an ear or a shoulder for her may be the best you can do. As far as meds go, there are all sorts that are fast acting and take the edge off. I have been on some and they do what they need to and can be a great help when things get tough. I sure wish I remembered the name but it took less than 15 minutes to kick in and lasted hours!
Keep your head up...... you never know where that snowball throwing, xanax stealing laughing bear might show up!!!
Take care and let me know if I can help with anything
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Hospitals
Hi Mano! Glad to see you here! I'm so sorry to hear about your Dad's illness has come down to lung cancer. My father lived to be in his 90's before he succumbed to Lymphoma, so I know how chemo and all the changes that come about from an illness involving cancer. I lost a Mother in Law to Leukemia and two sister in laws to breast cancer. So I know how hard this can be.
Just as THH said, hospice does a wonderful job when the time comes. And just as Karmerri said about her father and strokes, I've been there too. So during all of these illnesses and trauma, along with the death of my son. I was already on anti-depressants so now that I'm off of them, I don't blame you one bit for wanting some anti-anxiety meds. When my husband ended up with a brain tumor and I didn't know if he was going to make it through the night, I was able to get some ??? my mind has left me...but it'll come back...
to last me for a few days. My OB/GYN wasn't that thrilled to give it to me, I'm glad he did. Because at that time I wasn't on anti-depressants and didn't suffer from panic attacks either but I did experience anxiety that's for sure, who wouldn't? 
Anyway, I agree to go ahead and get some Xanax, usually they give you the generic brand which is cheaper but the name is longer. I haven't needed to take even a nibble lately, but there are times that I want to. So you definitely have every reason to take something to calm your nerves right now. Take care, and know that I'm thinking about you and your family. Paislee
Just as THH said, hospice does a wonderful job when the time comes. And just as Karmerri said about her father and strokes, I've been there too. So during all of these illnesses and trauma, along with the death of my son. I was already on anti-depressants so now that I'm off of them, I don't blame you one bit for wanting some anti-anxiety meds. When my husband ended up with a brain tumor and I didn't know if he was going to make it through the night, I was able to get some ??? my mind has left me...but it'll come back...
to last me for a few days. My OB/GYN wasn't that thrilled to give it to me, I'm glad he did. Because at that time I wasn't on anti-depressants and didn't suffer from panic attacks either but I did experience anxiety that's for sure, who wouldn't? Anyway, I agree to go ahead and get some Xanax, usually they give you the generic brand which is cheaper but the name is longer.
I haven't needed to take even a nibble lately, but there are times that I want to. So you definitely have every reason to take something to calm your nerves right now. Take care, and know that I'm thinking about you and your family. Paislee-
manofmusic
- Posts: 711
- Joined: Wed Jul 01, 2009 12:07 am
- Location: Canada
Re: Hospitals
Thank you so much for the prayers and the positive words. I went up to the hospital after work. The dr is going to start attaching the small round pads to dad's chest tonight and then tomorrow they are putting black dots on his chest to mark the areas that they will do the radiation on and then Thursday they will begin the radiation treatment. Luckily the hospital he's in has an new wing attached to it that is all cancer care. After that, the dr wants to do something with his breathing passage to get more oxygen in. It's prolonging the inevitable, but if this will make him more comfortable as time passes, then more power to him. Now mom is having problems breathing. She never smoked though. I hope that it's not emphysema from second hand smoke. I think with mom, she said that she spent her whole life shallow breathing because everyone around her smoked. I'm hoping it's just that she has to remember to breathe deep. I showed her how to breathe properly and she has to make a conscious effort to deep breathe. At the hospital, she has to walk slow or she loses her breath. When she's at home, she moves slower as she does stuff. She can climb stairs and she can keep moving, just slower. Maybe it has to with the fact that she's 81. Not that 81 is really old these days, but she's not 21 anymore. She's going to tell dad's respirologist tomorrow about her breathing. Mom went down to the cafeteria to grab some lunch today and a nurse saw her walking to dad's room and she saw that mom was having problems breathing. Maybe it has to do with all of the stress that she under right now. She now knows that she's not going to lose the house if dad goes into a rest home (they go by a percentage of the total pension) plus dad's a World War 2 vet, so he gets a discount from that too.
Still that doesn't stop ME from worrying. I hope that with mom it's just shallow breathing due to habit.
Thanks again for all of the kind words. They mean the world to me.
Wildcard - I thought of you today. As I walked out of the hospital, the snow started. We've been have 60 degree weather then all of a sudden today......snow. No laughing bear though and unfortunately, no Xanax LOL
Paislee - You're always there for me !....... and me for you.
Karmerri - It really does help to look at the green outside. I had a few days to do that. Thanks !
THH - My tune buddy ! I know that we will all have our time and I do believe that we will all meet up one day. I know this may sound bad, but in the hospital I see lots of sad faces coming towards me. There's a bit of comfort in that because I know that I'm not alone. I will talk to my dr about Xanax. I don't concider it a weakness at all. The thing is now that if I feel a pain in my body, I get nervous. There's been a lot of people that are close to me that have gotten sick this year. A body pain could be as simple as a pulled muscle or a headache....but my mind wanders to places it shouldn't go. I need to remember to just beathe ! ........................is your house painted yet ? My bathroom isn't done. There have been more pressing issues lately.
Samcat - I know I'm not alone, but sometimes like tonight, I see the snow has turned to rain and sleet and it's pounding against the window, I feel alone. I need to cut that out because I know I'm not. I still hate hospitals, but I think I'm starting to get used to it. I walked into the hospital, people smiled and said hello and I felt welcome. It didn't seem so "clinical" tonight.
I'm breathing (and I hope mom and dad are too) and I'm going to do my best to get a good night's sleep.
Thanks again for being there for me.
Still that doesn't stop ME from worrying. I hope that with mom it's just shallow breathing due to habit.
Thanks again for all of the kind words. They mean the world to me.
Wildcard - I thought of you today. As I walked out of the hospital, the snow started. We've been have 60 degree weather then all of a sudden today......snow. No laughing bear though and unfortunately, no Xanax LOL
Paislee - You're always there for me !....... and me for you.
Karmerri - It really does help to look at the green outside. I had a few days to do that. Thanks !
THH - My tune buddy ! I know that we will all have our time and I do believe that we will all meet up one day. I know this may sound bad, but in the hospital I see lots of sad faces coming towards me. There's a bit of comfort in that because I know that I'm not alone. I will talk to my dr about Xanax. I don't concider it a weakness at all. The thing is now that if I feel a pain in my body, I get nervous. There's been a lot of people that are close to me that have gotten sick this year. A body pain could be as simple as a pulled muscle or a headache....but my mind wanders to places it shouldn't go. I need to remember to just beathe ! ........................is your house painted yet ? My bathroom isn't done. There have been more pressing issues lately.
Samcat - I know I'm not alone, but sometimes like tonight, I see the snow has turned to rain and sleet and it's pounding against the window, I feel alone. I need to cut that out because I know I'm not. I still hate hospitals, but I think I'm starting to get used to it. I walked into the hospital, people smiled and said hello and I felt welcome. It didn't seem so "clinical" tonight.
I'm breathing (and I hope mom and dad are too) and I'm going to do my best to get a good night's sleep.
Thanks again for being there for me.
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Paisleegreen
- Posts: 1778
- Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2010 5:27 pm
Re: Hospitals
I'm glad to hear from you and I'll post more later. I hope you have a peaceful night. Paislee 
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forever young 06
- Posts: 284
- Joined: Sun Jun 25, 2006 5:19 pm
Re: Hospitals
manomusic,
good to hear you are hangin in there. Things will be okay. Just roll with the flow. easier said then done. I sure miss karmaberry wonder what happened to her? Hope some day she will come back and post. Maybe just a set back. I think the post she started has fallen back and is never posted on any more. this makes me feel sad. I hate change I try my best to cling to the old even if it isn't good for me. Is the hospital in the town where you live? I hate long distance travel for hospitals and that is what I have here live in a rural area. the big hospitals are about a 100 miles away. we have the small ones but they only work with hang nails nothing bigger than a fever or cold. you can make it good to hear from you .
good to hear you are hangin in there. Things will be okay. Just roll with the flow. easier said then done. I sure miss karmaberry wonder what happened to her? Hope some day she will come back and post. Maybe just a set back. I think the post she started has fallen back and is never posted on any more. this makes me feel sad. I hate change I try my best to cling to the old even if it isn't good for me. Is the hospital in the town where you live? I hate long distance travel for hospitals and that is what I have here live in a rural area. the big hospitals are about a 100 miles away. we have the small ones but they only work with hang nails nothing bigger than a fever or cold. you can make it good to hear from you .
Re: Hospitals
Manofmusic,
I have no doubts that your poor mom is having some of her own anxiety! 81 is hard!!! She is facing many things and us women are tough but it will take her extra time to gather herself. You are a wonderful son, I bet they are so thankful to have you!!!
Don't forget to journal your worries at a certain time to keep you from worrying constantly. You won't forget them! LOL... You can add them to your prayers. That has helped me organize my prayers better as well.
I know what you mean too about being in the hospital and not being alone. I have struck up conversations with people in waiting rooms and many times their sadness seams much worse. It makes me feel more grateful for what I am dealing with.
You have health anxiety too? I do too. My poor doctor knows me so well, we laugh at times, cuz he answers me before I speak! Its NOT a tumor! LOL...
NO my house ain't painter either! Its turned into a big project. My guys never showed up and my carpenter stopped in and reminded me they are in need of repair and they have been textured. He suggests I dry wall over them as painting them may make a mess! He wants to drywall and then paint. Oh Lord what now have I gotten myself into? LOL...I'm waiting on a estimate....
Good thing you have another bathroom! Hey, don't need to rush right! Maybe they will come out with a new style john by time you get back to it?! LOL... everything else seams to change over night, right???? LOL...
Take it easy...your doing GREAT! ( reminds me of a song....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPospvRq ... re=related)
I have no doubts that your poor mom is having some of her own anxiety! 81 is hard!!! She is facing many things and us women are tough but it will take her extra time to gather herself. You are a wonderful son, I bet they are so thankful to have you!!!
Don't forget to journal your worries at a certain time to keep you from worrying constantly. You won't forget them! LOL... You can add them to your prayers. That has helped me organize my prayers better as well.
I know what you mean too about being in the hospital and not being alone. I have struck up conversations with people in waiting rooms and many times their sadness seams much worse. It makes me feel more grateful for what I am dealing with.
You have health anxiety too? I do too. My poor doctor knows me so well, we laugh at times, cuz he answers me before I speak! Its NOT a tumor! LOL...
NO my house ain't painter either! Its turned into a big project. My guys never showed up and my carpenter stopped in and reminded me they are in need of repair and they have been textured. He suggests I dry wall over them as painting them may make a mess! He wants to drywall and then paint. Oh Lord what now have I gotten myself into? LOL...I'm waiting on a estimate....
Good thing you have another bathroom! Hey, don't need to rush right! Maybe they will come out with a new style john by time you get back to it?! LOL... everything else seams to change over night, right???? LOL...
Take it easy...your doing GREAT!
( reminds me of a song....http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OPospvRq ... re=related)