What are the odds?

[Wildcard]

Over the last several weeks things have been popping into my head and really starting to make me realize things about myself that I never knew or believed. For starters, I have pinpionted exactly when my depression started and why. What are the odds of that? It was well over 25 years ago. Death. Dealing with death for the first time is what caused mine. Two of my favorite things died the same year and almost within a month of each other, my favorite Grandpa and my first dog. You see, I was very sick as an infant and am very lucky to be alive. I had been told (IN MY MIND!) most of my life up to that point that certain things couldn't, shouldn't or wouldn't happen for me to live much past the age of 35. Well, when those two very important things in my life died it made me realize I wasn't immortal and that being told those things (again it was all in my mind) I came to believe I was going to die by 35. Just after my 34th birthday my anxiety attacks started and one thing lead to another and by that summer I was suicidal. (I didn't want to suffer the way Grandpa and Max did) Well, that was almost 8 years ago now and I still have attacks but I don't want to die! I am still afraid of death but know now that it's gonna happen no matter what I do.

The second thing that popped in my mind was, I am not a bad person. I've done a bad thing (nothing that put me in jail), but I do everything I can to forgive myself. I always try to be nice to people. I always say Hi or even a handshake or a hug. I hold doors open for everyone. I have felt like a rotten person for what I did and never felt like I deserved to have anything. That was over 20 years ago and I finally feel I have beaten myself up enough and I deserve to have a good life. This came to me just this past weekend and I can tell you one thing.... LIFE IS NOW GOOD! I dont think I will ever fully be able to forgive myself for what I did but I do believe I can stop beating myself up for it. Does that make sense?

Does that sound like I made steps? Does it sound like maybe, just maybe my life can "start over"?
Please give me input. I really would like to hear from others!

[samcat]

Wildcard, sounds to me like you have come to some important realizations. You did something you regret, but that is the PAST and you can't change it. What you can do is live the present and future the best you can. You can absolutely start over and it does sound like you have made some positive steps. Good for you!!! Take your insights and run with them. More will probably follow.

[Flyer99]

Hello Wildcard. Samcat made some really great comments. I have only one to add. You CAN forgive yourself. Never hold a grudge against yourself. It was the past. Live in the NOW! You can do it. You have taken some great steps!

[tina martin]

The mistakes we make, oh yes, they haunt us. Here is my take on mine, not meaning to suggest them for anyone else.

I go back and analyze my actions at that time, putting them into context of when they happened. It turns out, as I think about them, I could not necessarily have done otherwise, again, at that time. This has helped me. For me it is understanding and then forgiving.

[Paisleegreen]

I agree with the others, you have regrets and now it is time to forgive yourself. I liked what Tina had to say, it that she studied out what was happening to a time when she had to make certain decisions. And because of the circumstances that was the reasoning for why she had to so what she did at the time.

I've been thinking about these same things during the night so I'm on the computer earlier than normal. Because I have been going through my life history and things happened that I didn't have total control over. I had to do the best I could under those circumstances. Paislee

[Wildcard]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! It is time for me to restart living. Time for the "that was then this is now" part of life. Thanks for making me see it that way

[Flyer99]

Great idea, Wildcard, and good luck to you. Take care